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Husband is a scary driver, how to intervene???
DH and I have been married just over three months, and I'm starting to see more issues with anger while driving. I won't call it road rage, but he definitely gets a little terrifying behind the wheel. I knew he was an agressive driver before we got married, but I just kind of viewed it like he drives offensively, I drive defensively, kind of like sports.
Background, I grew up with a mom and a minivan and got my license when I was 16 and also have a motorcycle license, he grew up with a single mom who did not always have a car and didn't get his license till he joined the Marine Corps after high school- so yeah, he pretty much learned to drive in a combat zone.
Lately whenever we drive anywhere that's further than a mile or two away, it seems like he ALWAYS find something about another person's driving to get angry about. People pulling out in front of slow cars to make a turn, turning without blinkers, going too much above/below the speed limit, things that most people would say "yikes, watch out for that person!" but his response is "THAT PERSON IS A PIECE OF SH!T AND SHOULD NOT HAVE A LICENSE LOOK AT THAT CRAP CAR THEY DON'T CARE WHAT THEY'RE DOING" etc. Today we were ON THE HIGHWAY with my racing bicycle on the back of the car and he purposely cut off someone in the left lane because he saw them cut off someone else, so he drove 65mph IN THE LEFT LANE, "TO MAKE A POINT AND TEACH HIM A LESSON." With me in the car and my $2500 bike behind us. The second car got around us and then drove in the middle of the highway on the lane divider so no one could pass him and purposely slammed on his brakes several times to make us swerve. At that point I had my feet on the dash, am in the fetal position, and crying for him pull over.
I am at a loss. I have told him before that I think he drives aggressively and wish he would be more cautious on the road, and he has always sincerely apologized when he loses his temper. He never loses his temper at me, but when it happens when I'm in the car, I feel like he does not care about our health, safety, or property. Anyone dealth with this before? Advice? I know men are uber sensitive about driving for some reason, so other than basically refusing to get in the car with him anymore, I don't know how to make him understand!
Re: Husband is a scary driver, how to intervene???
Sounds like you need to start taking your car and you drive. Your car, your rules.
Good luck.
ETA: My mom taught me to drive in a mini-van and I got my license at 18. My husband learned to drive in the army. He took a course in defensive driving while in the military. My husband now drives an 18 wheeler for a living.When he's home it's my car and I drive. When I'm the passenger he drives me nuts because he drives a sedan like an 18 wheeler.
I doubt when the license was procured makes a difference. My brother was also taught to drive by our mom and he's an aggressive driver. We just know that we don't let him drive on long trips.
He needs anger management before he causes a horrible incident between himself and another driver, gets a gripload of points on his driving record for wreckless driving, not obeying road laws and God only knows what else or before he and/or another car gets into a vicious accident.
I would go as far as telling him you are checking out until he gets anger management for his temper and for his driving -- and I would indeed leave him until he saw the light. YOU are in that car; something could have happened TO YOU!
Refusing to get in a car with him ain't it.
He will still have a problem with anger and he needs a professional's help immediately.
I am serious about telling him it's splitsville unless he signs up on the spot with an anger management counselor and he attends immediately and without fail.
You cannot spend your life walking on eggs around him. He's got a huge problem and he's putting his life on the line and everybody else's when he is behind the wheel.
"It's either anger management counseling or I go to an attorney and have this marriage dissolved.
"NO in between: you lose me or you get counseling. Choose NOW."
This is what you tell him and be prepared to stand behind your words.
More and more issues?
Then this was a problem over 3 months ago. Considering he was so horrid with anger problems you should never have married this guy.
What WOULD you call road rage?!
i agree - I would insist on driving anytime we went out together until he gets help. He WILL cause a bad accident at some point. I he hasn't already and just doesn't realize it.
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This is for sure road rage. He may need some therapy in order to take care of his anger. Is he always blaming other aside from when he's in a car? I would take this seriously and stay out of the car with him. Drive seperate or tell him your driving your own car. He shouldn't be putting your life in danger like that!! It could only take 1 time and you may be dead.....
My sister drives like this and she has mental issues. I refuse to get in a car with her.
Being aggressive like that on the road is NOT a good idea.
When I was in high school, I was driving some friends around and they thought it would be hilarious to start flipping people off...well I guess one guy didn't like it because one of the cars they'd flipped off started to chase us. It was terrifying. You don't know what other lunatics might be on the road and what their response will be to aggression. Maybe one time your husband will see someone cut off another car, go to cut them off and the driver will have a gun.
Insist he get help. This is not okay.
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That is crazy!! Definitely road rage, and definitely not okay. I agree with others that you need to talk to him (when you're not in the car) and tell him that his driving is scary and dangerous and that you aren't going to let him endanger you anymore.
My dad was a terrifying driver and I'll never forget some of the things he did and said while my mom and we three kids were along for the ride. The funny thing is, he was never like that anywhere but in the car. I think some men get all power-crazy in the car, because it's sort of anonymous. It's Iike how some people go crazy on the Internet and say and do things they'd never do in person. He needs help before he hurts himself and/or you. Good luck!!
Other drivers can report aggressive behavior to the police and often times police in the area do track down an aggressive driver...especially if the reports include license plate numbers.
Is your husband suffering from PTSD? You said he served over seas and drove over there. Maybe he is still "stuck" in military mode and needs some professional help.
Since he is a veteran, maybe he needs to discuss his "rage" in context of PTSD.
I am assuming a lot here, but the men and women who drive military vehicles have different and stronger stressors than the average driver. Can you imagine driving a car/truck loaded with million dollars worth of equipment or some form of explosive?
Tack on having to drive in a combat zone and the dangers there?
I do not know what your DH did while in, but while you do your "I will not get into a car with you driving until you get help" stand, you may want to talk to him about his experiences driving and lead him to the realization that he may be having some issues due to his military service.
That is not to say that he gets a pass because he served, but actually that his needs for help are greater.
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One thing's for sure, he will need to make the decision to change himself. Until then, you need to do what is safe for you. Is there anything that you have seen him change over the time you have known him...anything that he has grown out of? How did the change come about? I would let him know that I don't feel safe but not in a manipulative or harsh way. It is ok for us to express our emotions (fear, hurt, etc) to our husbands as long as we know it is only to communicate and not to manipulate. Then I would hope for the best and continue to treat him with respect and honour. Every husband is different and every marriage is different too! So, find how this can work when applying it to your relationship, your way. I'm hoping in the best with you. Hope to hear some good news about his driving in the future.
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I was thinking the same thing. I am veteran that deals with this too and it took 20 years to mellow out. What finally did it was having my wife and baby in the car. Now I drive like a monk, lol. Life is too short