Trouble in Paradise
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
trying to communicate
Every ti e my husband and I try and talk about anything important we fight. Like when we tried to talk about his family being at our house all the time it turned into they just wont come at all.
When I say that I need more time for us and to not just stay home all the time he starts blaming himself sayjng he needs to do better.
Most recent has beenthe babytalk. Iwe have been married for almost 4 years. I wanted to get off my bc to try and lose someweight and get healthier. He starts in to why arewe rushing it. He isnt ready and wont be for a long time. I just dontknow what to do. I am so tired of fighting and everyone and everything else getting in the middle of it.
Advice please
Re: trying to communicate
You do not need him "with you" to lose weight and get into shape!
Just do it -- go for walks on your own, go to the Y, go to some Zumba classes, ride your bike, Rollerblade, jog, sign up for hip hop dance lessons --- whatever it is that catches your fancy!!!
Start cooking lighter -- look on the web, there are tons of recipes --- and rid your house of junk food, cookies, sugary sodas and other miscellaneous snacks that aren't healthy.
You can also join Weight Watchers --- there is an online version if you do not like meetings.
Let him sit on his arse and let him vegitate -- you get out there and you do what you need to do to get into shape and lose weight.
I also think doing things ALONE --- without him --- would mean a great deal to you.
This goes the same for him: he needs alone time too: whether it's going to the gym, indulging in a hobby or taking some night school classes or volunteering -- these are only examples off the top of my head --- he needs alone time and so do YOU.
Don't know how to work as a team?
Get yourselves to a counselor and work on communicating and learning how to work as a team.
If you are not ready for a child and he is not ready for one, above all do NOT consider even conceiving.
The both of you need to be ready. And that is no ifs ands or buts.
Considering you have so many problems the last thing that is needed is a child.
Conceive no kids until all of the problems are fixed. Get to a counselor, stat -- and that is the both of you together.
Sounds like your H takes everything as a personal attack. My H used to be slightly like this at the beginning of our relationship, we also argued an unnecessary amount due to his incapability of staying ON TOPIC and constantly pulling the victim/martyr card. I know how frustrating it is, plus you never get anything resolved, you're just exhausted.
To be honest, I didn't have the tools to fix the situation in an educated way, nor did I know how. I simply kept on telling him over and over, every time we talked, to remain on topic and focus on the true scope of the conversation, which was to find a SOLUTION and not someone to blame. That did the trick with time in our case.
I suggest you two get into counseling to learn to communicate, especially him obviously, as it doesn't seem like you're getting anywhere on your own.
As far as your ILs coming over your place all the time, that's something that has to be addressed, period. More that to the realm of miscommunication, this belongs to the realm of your H putting you first, respecting you and respecting the family you two make together. Having my family's boundaries violated is too big an issue for me; it it were me and my H told me in an overly dramatic tone that "fine, they'll never coming over again then" I'd sure take his word for it.
Edited a word for clarity
The biggest and best piece of advice I can give you is DO NOT have a baby!!!
WHY would you even consider it given all your other issues??? That makes me think that you are no where near ready either
ABSOLUTELY do not get PG.
If you want off hormonal BC, there is an IUD (paraguard) which does not have hormones. And there are condoms. Use both!
When you've been married this long, you need a ticker to remind you.
Baby Boy M - 08/01/2013
A baby isn't going to solve your problems. If anything a baby will exacerbate the problems. Don't have a baby.
Oh, and go to counseling.
Yep. This
Actually some people can't. I have Implanon. The hormones coupled with PCOS have led me to gain a LOT of weight. I'll be removing mine to start losing weight as well. I'm only doing it though because my husband and I would be fine if we have an "oops" though we won't actively be trying and will use condoms to give me more time to get my body "baby ready".
The OP on the other hand should try not to get pregnant with her relationship in this state.. so I wouldn't take out/stop the BC either :S