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My Marriage is Over - Update
First of all, I would like to thank everybody who responded thoughtfully to my first post. I was very hurt and angry when writing that and this post comes from a place of more thoughtful reflection.
DH is entering an alcohol treatment program. I don't know yet whether it will be outpatient or impatient as that is something the doctor will have to determine.
I am happy and confused all at the same time. My main concern all along has been the alcohol abuse and I am happy DH is getting help. I am confused because I don't know that DH getting sober is going to fix things. There has been so much hurt and disappointment and our relationship has been damaged....I just don't know to what extent and whether we can repair the damage.
How can one decide whether to keep fighting or acknowledge the war cannot be won and simply move on? And at what point does one cross the line from trying to save a relationship into becoming a door mat who has lost all self respect?
Again, I am at a loss for what the next step should be...
Re: My Marriage is Over - Update
This is something only you can decide.
He can be as sober as the proverbial judge but even if he sobers up, he may still continue the rest of the behavior that's already caused problems.
Counseling for you too --- and if you are religious or spiritual, see your clergyperson.
Cross one bridge at a time. The main thing now is his sobriety -- this is going to be an every day struggle and the time when he comes out is going to be a tender one, indeed.
AlAnon for you, as I suggested.
And remain vigilant -- he has to remain clean and sober; he will need AA and/or a drug and alcohol counselor --- if he won't do it, consider saying goodbye for good.
Him going to treatment is a great first step. But I would give yourself time before making any big decisions. And don't feel that you have to stay with him just because he got clean, if you realize that it just isn't going to work. It is entirely possible that the two of you have issues separate from the drinking that won't go away. (I realize some might think this is harsh, but my aunt did this for many years. My uncle got clean and she stayed even though she was still massively unhappy because she was afraid he would relapse. Hits close to home there.)
I agree that you should seek counseling as well during this time. You need to work through your feelings just as he will in treatment.
The next step for you is Al-Anon. Al-Anon meetings are for people whose lives are impacted by the drinking/addiction of another person. There you will meet people who are in a similar situation -- their loved one is addicted to alcohol or drugs and have repeatedly chosen the addiction over their loved ones, their responsibilities, etc.
I have gone to Al-Anon meetings and have found them very soothing. The Al-Anon philosophy will emphasize that while the addict is powerless over his/her addiction, you are powerless over them. There is no bargaining, pleading or magic words that will make them choose you over their addiction. All you can do is change YOUR behavior. Disengage with love.
Al-Anon meetings are free. You can contribute a dollar to the passed hat for coffee supplies if you want, but it is optional. You don't have to talk.
Neither one of you should be making any major choices any time soon. AA recommends that no big decisions should be made within one year of entering sobriety.
Good luck.