Trouble in Paradise
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Please help....I am new and need advice
My dh and I were having a conversation about cheating and I asked him if he would ever cheat and if he would if he would fess up to me. His response was that he would not speak in absolutes. Then he got really defensive and said that he felt as if I was attacking him. We have had conversations like this before and he would always say that he would never do that. Is it wrong of me to think that things have changed. Back story....the reason I asked this question is because he has changed up his routine and it made me have a few doubts and after I noticed the change in routine... I had a nightmare that he was having n affair. What is this? Am I umping to conclusions? Ha anyone else ever gone through anything like this? I don't know what to do. I feel like my marriage is falling apart right in front of my eyes.
Re: Please help....I am new and need advice
HI,
I just want to tell you upfront, I am not a Psychologist but I did go to school for it. Many years of training. I know a little bit about what you are going through too.
My DH has a 'habit/hangup' that I do not like. Although in some states it is legal in my house it is not. You feel me? :-) Long story short, we went into therapy for not only our marriage but for me and for his problem. Basically I am co-dependent. I am not too proud to say it. I am over that hill now so I can proudly say that is what I am. My dad is and both my sisters are so I get it. Please look this up if you have an opportunity to do so. Think long and hard about you and your life and your marriage.
Here is my short back story. Like I said my family is a long line of co-dependents but besides that I was in a long-term relationship for 3 years almost 7 years ago with a guy that put his hands on me more than once, cheated, lied, stole, manipulated and did hard drugs. I had trust issues ever since which fed the co-dependency that I already had from my family. I got out of that relationship and jumped into a 4 year dating relationship with my now H. We had a fiery romance and a lot of it, looking back now, I fueled with my insecurities, trust issues and co-dependency. We of course got married and we are super happy now but it wasn't without some severe low times like literally right after we got married. I am serious it was bad.
This 'issue' that my H has isn't as bad as it was but I am a black and white kinda gal. You either do it or you don't. It doesn't make a difference if you fell off the wagon once, you still did it. So what I am getting at is this...has your H ever in your relationship given you a reason to not trust him on the cheating part? Consider it. If he has never cheated that you can prove and you have never had an issue with this topic then I wouldn't be bringing it up. Don't start fires where there is no need.
If your H has given you a reason to consider this question that you pose then I would suggest revisiting the co-dependency thing. If he has cheated before you have a reason to worry but given that you are married this should have been hashed out before you did so. If in the case that it wasn't you still have trust issues. To your credit I would do if my H cheated. That doesn't mean I wouldn't love him but I would have a really hard time dealing with it in the future. You would want to talk to someone professionally, a marriage counselor, to work on the trust issues. They will help with this and help you learn how to have a productive conversation/fight. There is a right and a wrong way.
My H gets mad when I bring up his problem cause he is like " I did it back then, I don't do it now. Why do you have to keep questioning me about it" That is how he sees it and honestly he gets irritated. Men's brains are like boxes and Women's brains are like a plate of spaghetti. Men compartmentalize everything. If it happened and yall moved on that drawer is shut and if he has to keep going back over it and over it again and again he is going to get frustrated. Women string it all together. Of course you couldn't forget it or move on because we string it together girl.
I hope this helps.