Sex & Romance
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Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
He makes me feel bad if I dont want to have sex...
I absolutely love my boyfriend and I am incredibly attracted to him. However I dont have quite as high of a sex drive as he does (mine is high, his is skyrocketing). Anytime that I say no to sex, he gets upset and makes me feel guilty. This morning was my first day in a long time to sleep in and I have been exhausted lately. I said no and he immediately got out of bed and started getting ready for work. I tried to talk to him about it because I could tell he was upset and he said "We'll make it fair. I'll start saying no" I thought that was childish and frustrating since I very rarely say no (probably the first time in a month and a half). We have had this talk before and I thought it was all good. And then this. I don't know what to do or how I should talk to him about this. Any advice?
...this interesting adventure of a love that was meant to be....
Re: He makes me feel bad if I dont want to have sex...
He sounds like an ex I had.
He would "tit for tat" about sex, picking movies, everything. He was so insecure that I could only hang out with the friends he approved of and had to carry his cell phone when I was out of the house, even if I was going to visit my parents.
The relationship ended when I came home and he had my things packed because a friend of his convinced him I was mishandling the grocery money because I wasn't showing him receipts. At the start of the relationship he wanted to pay for EVERY living expense and I told him no. I paid for the groceries and the land line that was in my name.
Bottom line is that a relationship should be EQUAL. I think of it a little like an ebb and flow. If you have to keep track of every little thing to keep it "fair" that's no partnership.
This looks like an imature and thoughtless bf story........
However, a word of warning;....young men often 'measure' their relationships by the quantity of sex, Just make sure that this is not a symptom of something much deeper and more troubling....Does he get annoyed when you 'reject' his advances because it 'proves' to him that the relationship is flawed and not going anywhere??
.........As ever with this site, we are only gettign one side of the story and also, just the 'tip of the iceberg', as it were. There may well be much more going on that we are not hearing....... At the very least your bf must be feeling insecure about you or about sex with you or he would not react this way....(?) WHY does he react that way? Sex is very important to young men but NOT in the ways their women think....... Just make sure you keep in mind the old adage;..........."women need to feel love to enjoy sex but men need to enjoy sex to feel love"
The title of your post said it all.
Say goodbye to him. A guy who likes you and cares won't make you feel the way this jerk is making you feel.
And he is emotional blackmailing you too -- what is this guy, 6 years old???
His sex drive is skyrocketing?
Bully to him. Let him go figure out what to do with it and you figure out a way to get to the door.
Thank you all for your input. He is an amazing man and this has been one of our only discussions, and yes, there is two sides of course. He has been previously married and I know there are some holdups because of that. However we have amazing communication skills and we did talk it out. It is all well...and hopefully it wont be an ongoing problem. He isnt a young pup (He's nearly 41) and knows where his downfalls were in his last relationship and manages to catch himself when he is effing up and right the wrong. Honestly Im lucky to have him (and yes he is lucky to have me too!)
One thing sticking out in this too though is the statement of "women need to find love to have sex and men need to have sex to find love".... its so odd but I do see it as being true.
Thank you everyone on your input...there is no relationship end here. Like I said, our communication skills are unlike any other relationship I have been in, so we shall move on from here.
Thank you again all! Not bad for my first post!
Thank you all for your input. He is an amazing man and this has been one of our only discussions, and yes, there is two sides of course.
I see nothing at all amazing about anybody who makes another individual feel bad. Nor do I see anything amazing about anybody who uses emotional blackmail.
How insecure and childish. I still vote "find another guy."
He has been previously married and I know there are some holdups because of that. However we have amazing communication skills and we did talk it out. It is all well...
So amazing that he cannot sit down with you outside the bedroom and say, "Honey, what's wrong? You don't seem to be your usual hot self. I'd love to have more sex with you" and let you take the floor.
and hopefully it wont be an ongoing problem. He isnt a young pup (He's nearly 41) and knows where his downfalls were in his last relationship and manages to catch himself when he is effing up and right the wrong. Honestly Im lucky to have him (and yes he is lucky to have me too!)
Why are you "lucky" to have somebody who can't face an issue like a full grown man, and with tact and honesty and diplomacy?
I meant that some women think about sex in a stereotypically male way, the reverse also applies, and others of both gender may think about sex in a completely different way.
I find that in a relationship it is good to iron out what both of you feel and think about things as individuals instead of assigning qualities to genders as if they were pre-coded.
That way we remember that people are different, find out what works for us personally, and realize that we are not obligated to have certain qualities-though we certainly can know ourselves and what we are willing and not willing to change.
The reason that you and your husband feel differently about this issue is your Individual personalities, not gender, and there is nothing wrong with that! You're not trapped by being male and female!
Oh dear!........
The two major problems with this, otherwise valuable, site are that posters only portray THEIR side of the story with little of the back detail....and, the largely female readers arriving like crows with "dump him!" squawks!
The OP likes her man even with all his faults. She does NOT want to "dump him" just yet. She wants the help and advice of people here to try to sort out what the problem actually is,...in the hope of putting it right and living happily everafter...... The relationship may not survive in the longterm, but that's NOT why she posted for advice.
Unfortunately, men and women DO think about sex in stereotypical forms,...and, these are very different male to female.
The OP's man gets very upset when she rejects his advances despite being 41 years old........He may just be a selfish oaf!....or, he may be deeply insecure because of something previous in his life. He may be as confused and puzzled by this as is his partner! The powerful force in sex/love is NOT how we think about it but how our subconcious minds think about it!
This lady's ONLY present course is to try to sort out his unhappiness about this aspect of their relationship and to diffuse it.....probably by gettign him to see it and talk it thru until his subconcious is no longer offended and unloved when she says no .......
If however,she finds that he is just a selfish pillock who does not wish to evolve then she will know what to do.....
It's fine to suggest that someone may be thinking about sex in a "stereotypical" way. It's also fine to be thinking about it in that way.
But don't tell all the people who don't think that way that they do and apply it to all men and women. And don't propagate the stereotype that all people think that way.
Thank you...and precisely!
I believe in unconditional love and working things out. My parents were married for 40 years before we lost my dad to cancer..why? Because they talked things out. Communication is key. And my partner and definitely have that.
I say He's an amazing man...because he is. I say I am lucky to have him...because I am. I never thought it was possible to be as in love as we are...yes we. Its completely reciprocal. Sometimes its just good to get an outsiders opinion. Someone who is away from the situation.
I do have my dream man. I wouldnt change a thing about him. Talking about these things is a way to enlighten me...not change him. Perhaps a different way to look at situations....thats what a community of women is for right? Dumping him is not always the answer......if everyone took that then we would have a skyrocketing Divorce rate.................. Oh wait.......
So, if your communication is so great... what does he say when you tell him he makes you feel bad for not wanting sex all the time?
I'm kind of surprised at the amount of people saying dump him. Really? Because he got frustrated one time about getting turned down for sex? No one is perfect. Hell, when my husband turns me down once in awhile I get frustrated, too. Yes, he was childish about it but we all have our moments. Geeze.
OP it sounds like you worked this out, but I wouldn't worry too much about him having a reaction like this unless it is a recurring reaction that he displays every single time you're not in the mood for sex. In that case, you and him really need to sit down and figure out why he reacts that way and how it makes YOU feel when he does that. We all have times when we react to a situation in a way that we shouldn't and is kind of immature, so if this doesn't happen all that often just talk it through and move on.
If it does happen all of the time, then you both need to understand each other's point of view about the situation. You are not obligated to have sex every single time he wants it, and he needs to understand that. But there might also be something going on in his emotions that you don't quite understand, either.
My boyfriend does this to me all the time. In fact this past Friday something similar happened. Now his thing is because I am not comfortable playing with him without the use of a toy, but I have my reasons.
When I was thirteen, I was sexually molested by my cousin's husband who forced me to touch his penis after he had fondled me. Because of that event, I have a form of PTSD and am very hestitant when it concerns doing anything to my boyfriend. He knows what happened but he tells me that I need to put the past behind me and get over it. Wish it were that simple.
My advice would be to tell him how upset it makes you when he acts this way. I will be doing the same with my boyfriend this week.