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Having little problem with my mother in law! Please help?!
I have a problem and I don't know how to address it and how my husband should address it without hurting his mothers feelings.
First I want to add is that my mother in law is a good woman but I think she might be going through something! She wanted to wear a white dress to our wedding and has bought two set of rings for herself that look like engagement ring and a wedding band:/ I know that she didn't have a proper wedding with her husband and that they never got the rings but why buy it for our occasion?! Anyways, I thought it was weird and maybe she is a bit jealous. Then a few days after we got married she calls my husband around 11 pm and demands him to come over and help her with accounting problems that she is having when in fact a few months ago before she started the accounting we offered to just do it for her and she declined our request and now she wants to do it herself but she wants my husband to come over and help her at night. When my husband refused and told her its late she asked him well what are we doing and to that he replied stuff.
I don't know what to say and what advice to give to my husband. I don't really want to tell his mom off and at the same time we are married and are creating our new life together why cant she just understand and have some boundaries and respect!
I also want to add that my husband is the oldest son and he always helps them out with everything but recently started spending more time with me. They have their youngest son who lives with them with his wife but I guess he is not a big help at home....So whenever they have a problem they call my husband. I'm just worried that this will be an ongoing issue and what will happen when we will have kids?!
Please help and give advice.
Thank you,
Newlywed
Re: Having little problem with my mother in law! Please help?!
Sounds like he also came from a home whre both kids were coddled. Probably did everything for both the sons and I'll bet your H lived at home, too up until the time he got married.
You have an H issue, not a MIL issue. Word.
PS: Nobody probably noticed or cared what color dress she wore to her wedding and you can bet nobody did an inventory of her left hand. Don't make a mountain out of a molehill.
I've had tons of trouble with my inlaws and my DH helping them all the time. (His uncle actually called him to come fix his computer at midnight when our son was five days old!! Not even joking!!)
It'll probably be an ongoing struggle, but what I found helpful was to sit down with DH, agree on what's acceptable and not acceptable, and write it down. Kind of like an agreement on what your boundaries are. Then, he has to stick to it. No backing out, no whining to you because he feels guilty, no excuses. If you have to, out that list somewhere where you can both see it and remember the rules!
It'll take your inlaws some getting used to, but eventually they'll learn that your DH isn't going to be manipulated. Good luck!
I know a lot of people will rush to say your husband is the issue, but from what you posted it seems like your H tells his mom no. I think she's totally struggling because her son is married now and yes I agree your H should talk to over with her.
I don't get the big deal about your MIL buying herself a wedding ring set. I mean, you said she never got to have a real wedding set so she bought herself one. Why does it bother you? Is it prettier than yours?
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
We had a little of this when we got married a year and a half ago. In our case it was more FIL than MIL. DH lived at home until our wedding, and was very very involved in helping at the home, helping with the animals, helping his younger sister with homework, etc. there were a couple times where he would leave our home at like 8 at night to go to their house to literally do (not help with) his sisters homework.
I am a firm believer that each person in a relationship should deal with their own parents. So I just expressed my concerns to DH. He is a people pleaser, so it was hard at first, but he worked to establish some boundaries, and learned that he didn't have to drop everything to be at their beck and call.
These things are adjustments for all involved. But ultimately it is your husbands responsibility to work on setting some boundaries.
No there is nothing wrong with my ring, I love it! I just thought it was a bit inappropriate timing for my MIL to purchase that for our wedding. It could have happened on a different occasion!
::shrugs::
Ehhh, it could be that the wedding was the push they needed to finally go ahead and buy the rings. I wouldn't look too much into it.
Don't care what anyone says, the white dress is her competing with you. The ring wasn't a random purchase, it was done 100% on purpose.
What will happen? She will eventually push her son away from her. The phone calls, the constant demands for him to do or help with xy&z will not be the worst of what she will do. Wanna see real crazy? Get pregnant and watch her freak flag really come out.
Marriage counseling for you and your H ASAP. Also, read Toxic Inlaws by Susan Forward. You need to ask your H about MIL and if she has always had a problem with respecting or understanding boundaries. I'm going to guess that she has. It'll be a constant issue and you need to get ahead of it.
Thank you very much ladies! I really appreciate your advice! My situation has gotten worst though... My husband has spoken to his parents and they don't want to step aside so I think we will either have to move away one day or fight back when they interfere unfortunately:( I will read the book:) I want to be as ready as much as possible because we do want to plan for children next year.
Thank you!
You are absolutely right! Thank you:)