Trouble in Paradise
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Long Distance Drama
My fiance and I just got engaged last month while I was visiting him. We live 700 miles apart right now, although i am moving in October. Our wedding date is just over 2 years away but I'm really into planning. My fiance has been acting distant since I got back from visiting him. He doesn't talk to me very often, tending to sleep all day (he works nights) and waking up just to go to work or eat. I try to stay connected but every time I call him, he doesn't answer or hangs up to go to sleep. On top of that, every time we talk about wedding stuff, he acts like he doesn't care or suggests something completely insane (like a .75 cent notebook for a guestbook). I don't know if I'm being dramatic or if he's really being weird. I'm also having issues with my dad about my moving and the wedding, and my fiance isn't being very supportive. Does anyone have any advice? I'm floundering right now.
Re: Long Distance Drama
When you've been married this long, you need a ticker to remind you.
Baby Boy M - 08/01/2013
I agree with a previous poster. Just calm down with the wedding talk. As someone with a long-term engagement (we've been dating for five years, our wedding date is in four years), it isn't something either of us bring up all the time--especially if one of is tired. Just put a little away each week or pay period for the wedding and keep doing your thing.
If he does contribute an idea, even if it is a 75 cent notebook for a wedding guestbook, I wouldn't call it completely insane just because he is still contributing an idea and being shot down is kind of discouraging. My sweetie has said some pretty non-traditional wedding ideas (some of them have even really grown on me, like leaving the ceremony in his beloved beat-up 94 Jeep Grand Cherokee) and I just sort of roll with it. There is way too much time before the big day to start getting bent out of shape over something like that.
What I do when I start feeling antsy and excited about wedding planning (because I also like to do everything waaaaay ahead of time), is pin wedding stuff on Pinterest or, I have a Tumblr where I have memories about our relationship and funny or cute things I'd like to show him re: wedding, kids, houses, pets, etc. Then, when we have some time to sit down and talk about our dreams, I can pull it up, show him pictures or read him something and ask him what he thinks about it.
Also, working nights is extremely draining. It goes against our natural body rhythms. My SO used to work nights and go to school during the days. I just lowered my expectations because he was so exhausted during the days if he could stay awake. He slept through a lot of classes... I'm not taking sides, but keep that in perspective. If he's anything like my SO, he's probably having a hard time just supporting himself, let alone supporting you. Not saying that it's an acceptable thing, but it's his threshold and it's something you'll have to consider, especially if you plan on marrying him. Best of luck with your engagement and the move!
This isn't normal behavior for a guy who wants to spend the rest of his life with somebody. You guys should be growing closer, not more distant.
If you plan on moving soon to be near him, don't do it.
Do not go anywhere until you get this issue resolved.
I would ask him flat out if he still wants to get married --- anything can be at hand here, including the fact that he's changed his mind and he does not wish to continue the relationship.
If this is how he feels, how horrifically unfair of him to do this to you -- what? he proposes and you are planning on marrying him, when in essence he doesn't want to continue the relationship? Positively lousy.
None of what you described is positive. Please be proactive and find out what's going on. If it turns out the engagement is off, think of it this way:
That's the gateway to the rest of your life.
Why be keen on marrying somebody who does not feel the same way as you do?
If he is continually begging off the conversation to go to sleep, I would ask him what times are best to talk to him. He works nights so his sleep schedule is a difficult one, so I might try talking to him about it. "Hey honey, I feel like I am always calling you when you are trying to get some sleep. I hate doing that to you, so when is a good time to call?"
And seriously, chill out about the wedding. Commit to yourself to not say a word about it for another 6 months. Think about venues, calculate a possible budget, but don't buy a single thing. Engagements have a way of going in unpredictable directions, so don't commit yourself to much until you are much closer to the event.
has this always been a ldr?
have you ever lived in the same city?
thank you all for your lovely advice. I will admit i posted this in a moment of emotional upheaval (I'm extreme ADHD and anxiety) and within hours of posting this, everything evened itself out. Everything sillygoosegirl, cinderin, justamarried, and daringmiss have said is stuff that my logical brain already knew but I was unable to hear over the sound of my emotional overreacting.
I do use Pinterest, I haven't actually bought anything yet, and I keep trying to include him. Perhaps I do need to back up and let him breathe.
so, in total how much time in person have you spent together in your total relationship?
I was just going to ask the same thing....
I'd definitely hold off on any wedding purchases until you've seen each other for more than a few days...
Isn't that what the OP is doing by moving to be with her fiance? Going to spend more time with him before marriage?
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
http://notesfortheirtherapist.blogspot.co.uk
I cant see how you can be engaged when you both just talk rather than spend time.
get to know this man. move into your OWN place not his. enjoy being together,talk, live life but put off engagement or wedding talk until you actually get to know each other
The comments about your LDR make me laugh. Some people just simply do not understand an LDR relationship when they've never been in (or know someone who has been in) a successful one.
My husband and I met online on 2007. We met in person in 2008 and spent 2 months together. I immigrated to the US from Australia in Sept 2009, we married Nov 2009 and have lived together since (we bought a house together and everything).
We actually found our LDR to be far more beneficial that an "in person" relationship, especially in the beginning, because you're forced to talk (yes being apart sucked, especially on bad days). Far too many people rely on strictly the physical stuff and don't talk about themselves, their lives an their relationships enough.
If you do the math we've been married for 4 years this November (and have been "together" almost 6 years). We've been through more than many other couples we know (my father getting sick and having to return to Australia for 2 months to care for him, later the death of my father and me having to return to Australia on short notice for his funeral, and immigration things just to name a couple) and are still extremely happy, never fight, and rarely argue. All relationships are different and this worked for us.
Then you don't understand LDR's. The OP most likely knows her fiance far more than you knew yours (living habits aside of course). Living apart forces conversation. You talk about your day and mundane things because that's all you have. Yes living together brings up other things as well (he doesn't put his towels in the hamper! He turns the toilet paper around the wrong way), but a lot of the emotional stuff has long since been paved.
Also, you come up with different methods of talking out problems because it's easy to not deal with things when you can just shut down the computer or turn off your phone.
I find that LDR's tend to be the more successful relationship (being a long-standing member of an immigration forum I see it a lot) as long as both parties have been completely open and honest. You've been through a lot to be together, you take less for granted. But of course, that's personal opinion (and experience) talking