Husband and Chores

Rainbow17

I can't get my husband to do chores for the life of me.  He says that I'm just very Type A and I need to relax.  He also thinks that the house should be presentable ONLY when company is coming (which is hardly ever).  I really don't know how to deal with this.  Its to a point I don't think I can continue living with him.

PrincessVegan

I don't know what you each consider acceptable in terms of tidiness, but perhaps he doesn't understand that mess and chaos make some people very stressed out. Have you approached it from this angle? Don't talk about guests, but about how the mess impacts you. 

Rainbow17

Yup, tried.  But again, he just tells me I need to loosen up.  Basically, I should be able to handle a "little bit" of mess.  "Little bit" meaning his standards, which are not high.

srgw

It sounds like your H doesn't care about what makes you happy. Have you phrased it like that?  Also, presentable and clean aren't necessarily the same thing IMO. 

When H and I married we had to meet in the middle on chores because his idea of clean is definitely not mine. We both do a lot of compromising. Ultimately though my H wants me to be happy. If the messy house is stressing my out I'm not happy. Also, I let some things 'go' and he has a messy area (his desk). If I want him to do something I ask him to do it before x time (usually before bed) so he can do it when he wants to fit it into his evening. This works for us now. When kids come along we'll probably need to readjust our cleaning/chores.

anssett

There is no 'right' and 'wrong' with messiness. There is the level that people feel is comfortable. Yours appear to be VERY different. That's the problem, not how messy he is. The lack of communication, understand, and compromise is the issue. 

Have you explained how it feels to be in a messy house to you? Explained in words he can understand? Have you offered to let him have some space that feels comfortable (messy) to him?  

Ilumine

This is a fine line.  

Because while the neat people find their center in a clean house (and their partners should be open to helping their loved ones reach calm), there IS a point where the cleanliness goes from neat to anal-rententive.

Wanting things put away is one thing, demanding that they are put away in an exact manner is another.  Washing the counter and appliances down every evening is one thing, ruminating over finger prints on the stainless is another (I have a friend who bought all stainless and freaks at fingerprints).  Wanting an clean counter is one thing, but moving dishes and paperwork within 5 min of the person putting them down (maybe to go to the bathroom) is another.

The person with the higher level of cleanliness is always going to be the one to do the extra work.  

So instead of focusing on the minutia, can you ask him to do the bigger, weekly jobs that everyone can agree on (vacuuming, cleaning the bathrooms, taking out the trash, folding/putting away the laundry, etc) and then you can focus on the smaller things.

 

ChellaTims

I completely understand how you feel because I am a neat freak! Everything has it's place and not just that but a precise placement in that place. I love my house to be clean down to the smallest detail you could imagine. I'm also highly particular about my floors, especially carpet, being clean and scent free. I live with my fianc?, my niece (age 13) & nephew (age 11) who we're raising, my mother who just retired and add in our 3 dogs to the mix and I have the potential to come everyday to some sort of chaos. I use to try and get them, everyone, to do their chores to my perfection and if they didn't do it just right and perfect I would be stressed out to the max, crying and loosing my mind. I finally realized that they will never achieve my level of perfectness because they're not me and to them it's silly and I can honestly understand their feelings, now. It really removed all the stress, daily anxiety to come home and tears when I realized that if I want everything to be just right and perfect on my terms then it's my choice to clean/organize  to the smallest detail and it's wrong to hold them to my super high expectations. I know they do "chores" and help around the house and instead of flipping out and stressing now when things aren't perfect, I thank them for doing their best and helping out then I'll clean to my level of perfection. You cannot hold anyone to your standards of clean because it's your standards, not theirs. Besides more than likely their best job wouldn't meet your lowest standard of possibly being okay clean and you'll do it over anyway. It's been a huge change for my relationship with my fianc? and my family besides I'm not nearly as stressed anymore!

aimindahouse

Yeah, our husbands love us, but no matter how much we continue to push them to do or stop doing something, they don't budge. I'm learning that my husband does not like to be pushed in to anything. But when I genuinely praise him for stuff he does that I love, that encouragement causes him to do even more. When he feels like my hero, he wants to save me even more by doing things that help me or make me happy:) Hey girl but all of this takes time. Patience is one of the top currencies my my marriage. A really high exchange rate, but when traded, it brings in something greater. (economics analogy and a little cheesy I know...sorry:)

Ida Mhunduru

My Blog: The Joy of Becoming 1 

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ChristineM130

I am blessed my husband helps out, but his standards are much lower than mine. I've learned to loosen up a little bit. Perhaps if you pay attention, you will see the kind of stuff that drives him crazy. For example, my husband can't stand to have more than a load of laundry in the hamper, and does it automatically if I don't first. But there can be poo on the side of the toilet for months and he won't clean it. My solution is to clean the toilet, and let the laundry go.

Find the chores your husband likes to do, and let him do them. I expect to do more than my husband because he works more than I do outside the home. If you're both working, maybe you can hire help for a couple hours a week? Teenagers too young to work on the books are notoriously cheap for stuff like that!