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Rape Fantasy
Am I the only one who has these? I'm not talking about violent, smack in the face with the butt-end of a pistol and spit in my face kind of domination -- but more like the scene in Gone with the Wind where Rhett carries Scarlett up the stairs kicking and screaming. I'm sorry if I'm setting the women's movement back by a few hundred years, or insulting anyone's sensitivities, but this is just what I seem to like.
Only problem is, my husband won't do it. Okay, well he did it once, but I really think he hated it. I'm going to say that he's too loving and gentle and respects me too much. Although he has admitted that all guys (himself included) secretly have this fantasy. I'm so confused. If we both want it, why won't he do it? And is it really normal that I want this? Or am I out of my mind. I suspect I am...
Re: Rape Fantasy
I think I get where you're coming from. I don't necessarily have a fantasy to be raped, per se, but I do have fantasies about hard core sex, with domination, some physical paid, whips and chains, and all that. It's very interesting, because I tend to be the dominant person in our relationship but it is such a turn on for him to take over in the bedroom, to sort of role play that he is making me do something but in reality we are having consensual and mutually satisfying sex.
I think it might be the idea of hurting you or forcing you--even though you are wanting it--to do something you don't want to do that makes him reluctant. I don't know how far you have gone into BDSM-like sex, but it might help if you started slow and eased into it with simple steps.
**6.30.12** I have found the one whom my soul loves.
I don't know. I feel like this is almost different than BDSM. In fact, I've never really thought about that or had any inclination to do it. I think it's all the props that scare me (whips, chains, etc.). It seems too planned and intentional. But who knows? Maybe I'd like it.
If I had to guess where this is coming from (my rape fantasy) I would say that it's because: I am an otherwise dominant woman, with a high-powered job, a very strong opinion on most matters, a very type-A personality, and even a powerful physical presence (I'm 5'9 and very lean and muscular). So I feel very dominant, although I really don't want to be. I always try to be more feminine, because I'm uncomfortable with having been forced, to some degree, into a man's world. I guess I'm old-fashioned in that respect. If a man holds me down and tells me how it's gonna be, it makes me feel smaller, less powerful, more feminine, and of course -- more desired.
I think getting rid of the word "rape" would be a huge help. Rape is a heinous, criminal act, and any man worth his salt is going to have an issue with associating that word with anything they do. I have been raped in the non-fantasy sense: non-consensual, abusive sex-it's not something a loving partner is capable of doing.
Even with that in my past, and trust me, this took a lot of both of us working out my issues (DH knows what happened to me and doesn't want to me ever feel like he did the same thing) ... but I love it when he dominates me in bed.
You both need to look at it as "domination" instead-it's a way more palatable term for everybody involved, and it meets all of the criteria you are looking for. That doesn't automatically mean you guys have to jump into trying out BDSM stuff (I've never tried it, it's not for everybody). Start small: have him tie your wrists to the bed post or blindfold you, or if that's even too much, there's always flat out saying to him "You're a man, I'm a woman, have your way with me". Just make sure that whatever you do that you both feel completely safe (And not worried about disappointing each other) to stop if you get uncomfortable with whatever is happening. If it goes well and you want to try more, just keep building off of that.
I know, it's kind of counter-intuitive to "order" a guy to take charge in the bedroom, but it will open up the lines of communication ... and you're never going to get what you want in bed if you don't have that going on.
I'm more than willing to start validating people's ideas when they start having ideas worth validating
If you google "rape fantasy" you'll get TONS of hits because it is really common. The first thing the wiki page says is how common it is! There's research on this from reputable academic sources. You are not weird for having interests like this, regardless of what you call them or what words you use. How you choose to realize some or all of these fantasies is up to you and your partner (husband).
Maybe you should do some reading on your own so you'll have a chance to figure out how to articulate it to him in several ways. He may just be too freaked out by anything that involves dominating you in any way. If this is a large part of your fantasy life it's probably worth trying to encourage him in small ways, but it's always key to go at the more nervous person's pace. Always.
This link is to a well respected erotica writer and sex educator, Violet Blue. Dan Savage also has a lot of columns about this. He writes Savage Love. They're all online.
http://www.tinynibbles.com/newsexualfantasies