Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
I want another baby, but...
my husband doesn't. He never wants another baby 
We can't afford it anyways. We will never be able to buy a house unless I go back to work fulltime in HR. I absolutely hated working in HR, but that's where my education and experience are, so that's where the money is for me. I work parttime for a nonprofit helping people directly right now and I love it. I love being able to spend this time with our son.
But I don't make much money and I don't want to go back to school. I know my lack of desire to focus on my career is the reason for it, but I've just been feeling really down lately, on raising my child in this small apartment, having $0 savings, wearing maternity clothes everyday because I can't afford new ones that fit...
I know it's selfish and all, and I love my family, but it just feels like I never get to have anything that I want. I gave my car to my husband when his broke so now I don't even have a way to get around. I want a car, and a baby, and a house, and a haircut, and all new clothes, and a new couch, and we can't afford any of those things, unless I go back to working in a job I absolutely hate.
And my husband can't really relate because he has everything he wants; a car, a cat, video games, books, golfing equipment, and we just bought him a piano...
I know it's super selfish, and I don't need any advice or anything. I just really really needed to complain about it. I just never thought when I finished college I'd turn into a frumpy sweatpants mom with no car, house, hobbies or ambition.
Re: I want another baby, but...
It doesn't sound like you're the selfish one here...your husband is. I mean, who friggin' buys a piano when the wife doesn't have decent clothing or a haircut???
**6.30.12** I have found the one whom my soul loves.
What about the other stuff like the video games. I just...I just can't comprehend how you guys have money for this but can't afford to get you a haircut or some decent clothes ? I know you bought it for him for a couple, hundred bucks, but still why not get him something nice for $100 and go get yourself some clothes and a haircut ?
I know after I had my first, I too got caught in the frump zone and that mentality of putting everyone else first, but once I actually got some new non maternity clothes ( and I just went to Target and Kohl's so it wasn't like I spent a lot of money) and a haircut, I truly felt so much better.
The piano itself really isn't the point. The point is that, according to you, you get nothing you want (clothes, a haircut, etc.) and your husband gets everything he wants. Something is off about that. Is there something going on here you're not telling us?
As for most of the rest of this, I feel for you. I had a baby about a year ago. I want another baby. I also want to upgrade to a bigger house. And I don't want to have to work full time to get all of that.
Here's the thing, though. If you have zero savings, you probably need to be bringing in more money than you are. THis doesn't necessarily mean that you need to work full time. Maybe you can find a different part time job that pays more than what you have. Maybe you can find a second job for a few extra hours a week. Maybe your husband can bring in extra money somehow. You may not make a huge amount, but maybe you can least earn yourself a little more of a cushion. There are options out there...it doesn't have to be all or nothing.
FInally, are you saying that your husband doesn't want another child, whether or not you can afford one? If that were the case for me, it might be a deal breaker. I want at least two children, and I would need to be with a man who wants the same things as me. SImilarly, if I had to work full time in order to have a second child, I would. I don't want to work part time (or less), but I want to have a second child more.
What it all comes down here is that you have to figure out what things are most important to you. And then you do what you have to do to get those things.
To OP...the ladies on Money Matters might be able to provide some advice regarding your budget.
Maybe you should post it there with all income after taxes, health insurance and retirement deductions. All expenses including loans and credit cards with rates, balances, and how long you have left to pay on the loans. Utilities. Extras. Food. Gas. Insurances.
Whoa, hold on...
What HE "has"????
And my husband can't really relate because he has everything he wants; a car, a cat, video games, books, golfing equipment, and we just bought him a piano...
Well, he'd sure as bloody hell BETTER relate!!!
This is disturbing indeed and I can't tell you how much this bothers me.
When you marry, your money and his money = OUR money.
What happened to that????
Why is there such a gaping chasm of what "you" have and what "he" has????
What is he doing?
Is he going off and buying whatever his heart desires --- while you are going without?
Please clarify.
Because if this is how it is, this is horrible --- where is his character and why aren't the 2 of you going the "our money" route?
I suggest you and he take both your paychecks, put it into one central account, and from there, you pay all the bills, etc. Then invest the rest -- put it into a savings account, CDs, your IRAs, etc. From that amount per week, the 2 of you should take a "mad money" allotment: maybe $100 or whatever you can afford -- where you can spend that money on whatever you like.
It doesn't matter if he works full time and you work part time or he makes X and you make Y --- with the OUR money concept, you are on equal footing. The salary is Z.... and that is your OUR money amount of money.
You and he need to talk, stat: Why is it you have nothing and he has what he wants, no argument???
Sit down with him this weekend and tell him what you told us -- and that you and he need an "OUR MONEY" concept.
If he balks?
BAD news....RETHINK HIM, stat.
I cannot see how a man will permit his wife to go without! Geez, if anything, that car should jointly belong to the both of you and the 2 of you should BOTH be using the vehicle, not just him!
Ever heard of a clearance rack/counter?
Ever heard of end of season sales?
Why not have a look see -- buy what you need from clearance racks/counters and end of season/off season sales? You can buy "new" for next year -- coats, dresses, pants, shoes, boots, what have you --- and when next winter or fall or what have you rolls around, you'll have something new to wear.
Clearance racks and off season/end of season sales are one thing --- what about the "our money" thing again???
With an"our money" concept, you can buy what you need and afford --- please: more back story about how you and your H decide how your money is saved and spent:
But I don't make much money and I don't want to go back to school. I know my lack of desire to focus on my career is the reason for it, but I've just been feeling really down lately, on raising my child in this small apartment, having $0 savings, wearing maternity clothes everyday because I can't afford new ones that fit...
Something is wrong with this picture. (and didn't you save any money when you were free and single? Just wondering; not trying to pry)
If he is taking his paycheck and spending so that he buys what he wants and where he can have what he wishes, this is pretty bad. This is also a character issue, as I said. And you should not only be livid as hell, you should NOT tolerate it.
I urge the 2 of you to get to a financial counselor so that you and he can learn the "our money" concept -- and I suggest marital counseling for the both of you, stat.
If this keeps up, you'll do nothing but resent him and this is already causing a rift in your marriage. I would, if I were you, tell him the financial counseling and marital counseling is a MUST.
Your marriage dynamic is a mess. This is NOT healthy.
You and he should NOT have a financial arrangement like you're 2 frigging roommates! You are husband and wife and you are supposed to be equals and each other's "better"!!!!
This "he pays for what he wants" and "I pay for what I want" needs to stop and stop NOW. It should be an "OUR MONEY" concept.
Disagree, disagree, disagree.
My money is my money. I buy what I want with my money. My husband's money is his money. He buys whatever he wants. We split everything else, we both pay the household bills.
Actually, we had quite a bit of money saved before we got married. Then I got unexpectedly pregnant, conveniently got laid off, his car died, the mower died, my car needed work, got stuck with a huuuge medical bill related to my pregnancy, needed to do some work to our rental (roof sprung a leak, carpet got moldy, had to fix both... plumbing went, needed to shower, etc.), my beloved cat got sick and after a lot of vet bills had to be put down, just one thing after another...
We worked together to reduce expenses and take care of these things. Now, we get by with maybe $100 a month to spare. We have some savings, but not much, and it's stagnant.
My husband seems to think we make more than we do, and tells me to buy the things I want all the time. But I don't want us to be short on things we really need, like rent, utility bills, student loan payments, baby formula...
It's not that he has a ton more things than I do. It's just that the things I want aren't as attainable. We will never be able to buy a house on our income, period. Especially if we keep having to pay to fix the rental!!
It's really not that bad. I just want to *** about stuff.
Based on this, do you then see me as poverty stricken since I have NO income and stay at home with my kids?
This wouldn't work for us. We did this when we were both working full time and making the same amount of money, and it still didn't work for us. My husband earns 10x as much as I do, because I'm only working 10 hours a week to stay home with the baby. If I had to work full time, I'd have to put the baby in daycare and buy another car, and we'd be breaking even with what we earn now.
We also tried combining our finances into one account. That didn't work, either.
Since I've been out of work, he pays most of the bills, I pay a couple of them, and whenever we want something that costs more than $10-15, we discuss it. We just haven't learned how to discuss it yet. We agree more on money than ever, but still haven't got it down. I feel like he's getting a bit of a "king of the castle" complex, and I'm more sensitive to it because I lived by myself for 5 years and I'm not used to answering to anyone. My husband isn't a tyrant or anything, it just feels like anything I want gets pushed to the bottom of the list. I have to nag and nag to get anything, and I don't like it. Most of the SAHM's I know have husbands that are much less considerate than mine. He's really not that bad, but I'm sick of feeling like a teenager. I'm a frugal, reasonable adult.
See, that complex is that bad. I've come across it before.
You should be in a household where you are respected. You aren't a teenager. You aren't a 50's wife. You aren't the "little silly wifey". I don't care who you know, this isn't normal or right.
And if you're staying home for the family, you shouldn't have to pay things from "your money".
Your needs should NOT be at the bottom of the list. New clothes, for example, are very attainable, as long as you shop sales... and he gets brand new video games at $65 a piece? No way in heck. And a cheap new haircut is not that expensive, although if he forwent a game you could get a nice one.
He's not caring about your needs and treating you as silly... and you are not being silly.
A new house, yeah I get it, that isn't attainable right now.
But come on, a new haircut and new clothes that aren't maternity? You know darn well that isn't unattainable. Not in the least and like PP said, if your husband stopped buying himself video games, you could have had these things a long time ago.
Since you are doing comparisons, I am also a stay at home mom that only works about 10 hours a week and my husband would never treat me like this and none of my SAHM friends have husbands that treat them like this. The only one I know are my ILs and they are divorced. Of course, my MIL never stood up for herself either and I think she liked being the martyr mom / wife anyways.
Another baby is not a good idea if H isn't willing to put his golf money or video game money to things like formula and clothes for his wife.
My H and I married under the understanding that I am disabled and will never work. I collect SSI. My SSI pays rent. With the remainder being my money. My H is a FT student and disabled veteran. He pays everything with as he calls it our money. His military disability benefit. When I try to pay for things with my money he insists I use our money. When I save enough with my money I buy him surprises. I was very independent before I met him so it is odd the whole our money thing...even though I don't contribute to it. Guess that makes your H a dbag but really sounds like your getting the short end of the stick here. Little splurges should be better than a video game if it makes your smile light up. He shouldn't have to be told that he should be striving for the moments that make u smile.?