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First Time Post - Help?
So, married for 3 yrs together for 9, both mid twenties. My H was raised in a home where his dad worked two jobs and did nothing else. His mom does EVERYTHING! Housework, shopping, home improvements, laundry, working, and the kids. The kids were never accountable for anything. My house was very different. Both parents worked, we all had chores, everyone pitched in.
I have been hoping he would start pulling his weight. His idea of "clean" is well... Not, and I'm not OCD about it. Just want a clean house. He will start a task like the lawn, but not finish. Same with other chores. He washes his laundry if I haven't gotten to it, and his idea of cooking is picking something up on the way home from work. I have tried talking to him, arguing with him, and even just letting it go. But I am wearing thin. Any advice from you all would be really helpful!
Re: First Time Post - Help?
Ya said it all in that first paragraph and in that first paragraph is why you're in the dilemma you are in.
You cannot teach an ole dog how to do any tricks at all. You knew straightaway that this guy was a lazy little slug who can't even pick up after himself. When you were dating and you found that out, you should have said goodbye: this is already somebody who isn't for you.
I have no clue how you are going to break him of this "habit."
I can suggest doing NOTHING for him...let him wash his own dishes, clean his own glassware, let his dirty clothes stay where they are, etc --- and let HIM get the clue that if he wants dishes and clothes and such HE is to take care of it himself.
That's one hurdle.
As for getting him to grow up?
Ya can't get him to do that.
I agree with the previous poster in the sense that it's hard to teach an old dog new tricks. However, I don't think it's impossible that he could start pulling his weight around the house--I myself grew up in a house where mom did most of the work, but I definitely pull my weight around the house now. Granted, my mom did almost everything because she didn't work, but times are different now. I assume you are both working, correct?
I know you've had conversations and arguments about this, but I suggest you both sit down with a list of chores that need doing around the house. This is an exercise DH and I did in premarital counseling that I thought was kind of cool. You both have your own list of the chores around the house, and next to each chore you decide if you think it is a husband, wife, or shared duty. (Just write H, W, or S.) Do it separately first, then when you are both finished compare your sheets. Hopefully, when your husband writes "W" next to almost every chore, he will realize how ridiculous he is being. Then you can take a new copy and go through it together and decide who truly is responsible for each one. Try not to look at it as a "chore chart" or anything, just use this as a tool to make each other aware of the things that need to get done and whose shoulders it falls on if it doesn't get done.
Obviously, just because you mutually decide something is an "H" job doesn't necessarily mean it's going to get done all the time, but at least it's a start.
DH and I are newlyweds, but we lived together before marriage and this exercise worked really well for us. We hardly ever fight about housework because our expectations for each other are very clear. DH also grew up in a house where his dad did NOTHING and mom did everything, but he definitely doesn't think he's entitled to that same laziness. This is something you and your husband will have to work on for awhile, but if you're patient with each other, hopefully it resolve.
I totally feel everything you're saying. Family background and culture really plays a role in some of the challenges in my marriage and many of my friends as well. I have tried everything in the book to get my husband to be on the same page with me regarding household stuff, but I did not see any changes until one day last year.
Unfortunately, the lead up to this change was quite destructive and I would do things differently in hindsight. In my mind, I was so fed up with my husband's lack of concern (household wise) that I began to be majorly offended with him.
This then would lead to a ripple effect: Him not helping, me getting angry, me blowing up, him looking confused, him getting fed up, us not talking, peace gone, intimacy gone, issue not solved.
We went around this mountain so many times. I decided to do what was best for my marriage and both of our peace of mind; and just started cleaning the way I like it, when it came to cooking...I did it and if I did not feel like it, I asked him to make plans for food.
I decided that in this area I would take up the slack, until he changed, and I believed with all my heart that he would changed and that it would not always be this way.
Ripple effect: him not helping, me getting angry, me choosing to trust he will change, me deciding to clean, me learning how to communicate without the drama, him feeling respected, him slowly changing, me feeling happier, more peace, intimacy still here, issue on it's way out the door.
Believe me...it is very very hard to be patient with my husband, when I want something to change NOW. But, that patience does get rewarded. Label your husband the way you hope he will be and he will become that. Big up the things he is doing well, a lot and genuinely.That's what I did and it worked. I know every husband is different so if this is helpful, do it your own way. I realized that more than I want the house cleaned, I want peace in my home so I opted for peace (and communicating with him peacefully) and now...over time, my husband is cleaning and cooking more and more.
Ida
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