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Hub's Friend Staying with Us - Help me get through it!
Newly wed here... and new to the nest.
About a month after my husband and I got married, my husband's best friend from college moved across the country with no money to get a new job and start his adult life. He has been living with us for about 8 weeks now, got a job, and will be moving into his apartment in 9 days. All good news.
The bad news is that I am at my wits end. Other than the obvious invasion to our house and new marriage, the friend is crude, has very little tact in conversation, and feels the need to give his two cents in everything. I have tried to be as patient as possible and stick to my word to let him stay until his apartment is free, and my husband is trying his best to be fair to his friend and respect my emotions and need to have alone time etc. We've had some frank and honest conversations with the friend so everyone is on the same page and communicating but I am still just miserable with the situation. I bristle at everything, feel very territorial and emotional, and I am just plain sick of it, I think understandably. I want my home back, I want my husband back, and I want my privacy back.. now.
How do I get through these next nine days?? I'm thinking I need to retreat into my room, read books, take bubble baths, etc. But the principle of me having to hole-up in my own house doesn't sit well with me. Any advice or support would be appreciated.. I've been trying to stay cool and calm so it also feels good to just write it all out. So thank you in advance for that.
Re: Hub's Friend Staying with Us - Help me get through it!
My first question is, did your husband discuss his friend moving in beforehand ?
I don't know. If you truly are at your wit's end, then I don't see any harm in asking him to stay at a hotel for a few days. Maybe even check for cheap rates on hotwire or priceline. I would also consider hanging out with friends or going shopping.
Yes, we discussed it before-hand. Definitely not as much as we should have but that is from our naivety . I could not anticipate how much it would affect me.
The friend does not have enough money to stay at a hotel (he JUST started his job) and I don't want to pay for it.
I think I do need to get out more and spend more time with friends, shopping, etc.
Well lesson learned, don't have people for a long time with you guys ever again.
I also wanted to say you can find some really good deal on hotwire and priceline. The hotels won't be great, but I have seen rates for $20-$30 a night.
First, I just want to say that you and your husband are amazing! It's not easy having people stay with you and you've done it and really helped his friend out in a difficult time. So good on you and your hubby for paying it forward.
Ida
Grab a cup of tea, and visit me on my blog:)
Newly Married??? Sister, let's relate!
This is his friend's tough darts --- he's starting out? Then by golly let him go live at the Y, live in a studio basement room or take an apartment of his own and share it with a few other guys until he's financially able to live on his own with nobody else, IN his own place.
Your H's bigger problem...and yours, too:
You and he do NOT know what the word "teamwork" means.
You and he needed to throughly discuss whether or not it was okay for anybody else to be living with you -- and the both of you should have derived a decision that was okay with the both of you.
The friend needs to go. Tomorrow.
YOU come before the friend and if you say to your H, "Your freiend Cuthbert needs to be out of here" your H needs to say Okay and it's no questions asked.
Let his go live in the Y until his place is ready. Case closed.
Haha that's how I feel when I am at my lowest, that's for sure.
Here's the problem with all that: I agreed to this time period. We did discuss it. Again, not as much as we should have, but that fault comes from both of our idealism and not from a lack of team-work.
I gave my word that he could stay for this period of time and not a day longer. My husband is honoring the deadline and if the apartment falls through or whatever, the friend will be on his own. I feel the need to stick to my word.
If I lost it and kicked the friend out before-hand or asked my husband to, he would. We have had that discussion. And if the friend disrespects me or crosses the line it may come to that - I didn't sign up for disrespectful behavior. But I hope it won't, for the sake of my husband's friendship with the guy, and our own relationship; I don't want any of us to be in that position and have communicated my limits to my husband and to his friend.
Soo. What I am struggling with now is not so much a 'what-should-i-do' question.. but how do i get through it and come out of it stronger and closer with my husband. How do I manage my emotions and cope with the decision my husband and I, as a team, agreed to?
The situation totally sucks and i agree his behavior is out of line especially while staying with you guys for free. its great that you offered him this opportunity and you and your husband are amazing friends to do it. And i understand pushing him out now could ruin the friendship (as alot of living together situations can do this).
You've come this far i say just do what you have to to get through this last week- go out, visit friends, etc. And if need be if you have to put this friend in line because of his behavior than so be it!!! Do it, dont leave it up to your husband to.
Im sure you both have learned your lesson and wont be offering this type of thing up again. Once its over, take it as a life lesson and move forward
Vacation? Overtime? Vacation to see friend? Site-seeing? "Date" trips to restraunts with your husband?
When I need time alone I tend to take lots of long walks.
When you say crude and tactless do you mean he is vulgar? Also, there is no reason he has to give his 2 cents to anything between your DH and you. If he is vulgar, deal or no deal he needs to go and nobody should feel bad you reached a breaking point a week early.
Why are you retreating and not being treated? Your DH can take you out or you can suggest the friend spend the evening in his room.
Like a few others suggested, I would go for a hotel or spa retreat. It is only 9 days, but you have dealt with it for awhile now and deserve a break.
Also there is a difference between a guest staying for the a night or two and "temporary" house mate. He has been with you long enough to know this is your place, not his and he should respect it.
Don't be afraid to voice your opinions. Its your home, not his. You have every right to do whatever you want to do in your home. It was out of the kindness of your heart you let him stay and he can either be greatful for it he can move along.