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Alcohol and my marriage...
I've lurked on this board for a while, but hoped I'd never get to the point that I'd need to write a post. I am using an AE, and this is not MUD.
I've been with my husband for over four years, married for two. In the first year of our relationship, he drank heavily. It was a source of conflict, and he eventually scaled way, way back after I made it clear that our relationship wouldn't work if he drank too much. Things were good, he was not drinking much at all and if he did it was always in moderation. We got married and began trying to have a child. Our baby is now just over a year old.
Well, last night we stayed up late with his older son, 14 years old, to watch movies. I went to bed first, and DH came in around 2 and fell straight asleep. He had a couple of drinks while I was awake, but nothing that seemed too unusual. I'm guessing he had more after I went to bed. At five in the morning I was awakened to the very distinctive sound of urination. It jolted me wide awake b/c I thought it was the dog. I look over and see DH sitting on the floor next to our bed, with his pants off. I asked him what in the hell he was doing. He was convinced he was sitting on the toilet using the bathroom. He eventually stood up and went into the actual bathroom, and came out a few minutes later as I stood in disbelief. The back of his shorts were SOAKED. I told him to change because he'd pissed himself, and he didn't believe me. He changed, went back to bed and has been asleep (passed out?) ever since.
If we didn't have a child I know I would be packing my stuff up right now. I was (and am) so unbelievably angry and disgusted that I don't know what to do. Nothing like THIS has ever happened before. I am so embarrassed by this that I don't think I can talk to any of our friends or family, so I feel stuck right now. I keep thinking I should kick him out or leave, and then I think about our son and whether I will be able to trust my husband with our son if I'm not around. I didn't use to think that - he's ordinarily a loving, wonderful, involved father, and our baby adores him.
I just feel really lost.
Re: Alcohol and my marriage...
Right, but if I'm home then at least I'm there to respond to an emergency or just the baby's needs. If I leave DH would have visitation/custody time and I wouldn't be there. At least now I can be there for our son. That's my rationale, not some desire to keep the family together (although I'm not in a place to end the marriage yet).
DH woke up a couple hours after I posted earlier and he had only a vague memory of what happened. He was pretty stunned and embarrassed by it all, says it's the first time something like this has happened, didn't seem real, etc. He admitted drinking a lot last night, but not like when he was 20 and in the military, so he is having a hard time wrapping his mind over how it could have happened. I told him very plainly that this couldn't happen ever again and did he really want to choose alcohol over his marriage and raising his son? Right now he says he of course not.
Here is where you could never win:
I've been with my husband for over four years, married for two. In the first year of our relationship, he drank heavily. It was a source of conflict, and he eventually scaled way, way back after I made it clear that our relationship wouldn't work if he drank too much.
He's a lush?
You should have said goodbye right there.
And why did you even THINK of having KIDS with this guy???? WHY????
Did you think "oh he'll be a dad and then he will stop drinking because a kid is now in the picture"???? I wonder.
Leave him immediately. Life with a drunk is no life at all.
And wow, does his son need AlaTeen, STAT.
And you need AlAnon. Immediately. Go to AA's website and find a meeting and GO.
You will not win this battle; you lost it immediately when you found out he was drinking too much for your taste. Why the heck did you keep dating him at that point?
For your sake and the sake of the kiddo, leave today: "I love you but not your drinking. I will be going now and the kiddo will be, also."
As you know, drunks need a rock bottom moment before they realize they need to get clean and sober. WHo knows when his will be...or if it will be at all?
Leave him. Today and stat..
AlAnon for you, as I said. Even if you choose to leave him.
Get an attorney. No visitation and no custody for him until he is clean and sober with the help of AA and a sponsor and/or a drug and alcohol counselor.
This is no life for you or the kiddo; your child is now predisposed to addictions, thanks to drunk ole dad. Bad news indeed. Get him, and yourselves, out of this destructive relationship.
He was experiencing a blackout. NOT NORMAL --- there will be more blackouts -----and he needs help NOW:
DH woke up a couple hours after I posted earlier and he had only a vague memory of what happened. He was pretty stunned and embarrassed by it all, says it's the first time something like this has happened, didn't seem real, etc. He admitted drinking a lot last night, but not like when he was 20 and in the military, so he is having a hard time wrapping his mind over how it could have happened. I told him very plainly that this couldn't happen ever again and did he really want to choose alcohol over his marriage and raising his son? Right now he says he of course not.
Of course not. REALLY.
So where is "Of course not" followed by "and because I blacked out and I am an alcoholic, I am going to AA. I cannot and will not ruin your life or our children's and I cannot destroy our marriage. I've found a meeting and I will be going; the meeting starts at 6 pm. I want to get clean and sober and I have a problem"????????
And when he went "of course not" you figured Oh goodie; he'll stop drinking now!
Nope. NOT a snowball's chance unless he admits he's got a problem and THEN gets help FOR it with AA's help.
Leave him tomorrow.
Go home to your parent's house and start divorce proceedings. And wow....if he is driving and drinking, you ought to be ashamed of yourself, too! Suppose he gets into an auto accident while he is under the influence????
Not in a place to end it yet?
So I guess you will let him destroy your family and your finances and your marriage...and then you and the kiddo.
Get rid of this piece of dead weight...and do it tomorrow. AlAnon for you, as I said. GL.
With him being an alcoholic, it is entirely possible you could get full custody and/or limit him to supervised visits only.
Is he willing to go to AA? That would be the only thing that would convince me to stay with him. Some people just cannot stop themselves when they start drinking. My grandmother's brother is that way. He literally is not capable of having just one or two drinks; if he starts, he will continue til blackout.
That's . . . wow. . . . I don't even have words.
You need to go to an Al-Anon meeting. It's a support group for people who love Alcoholics. They can help you get a handle on what is best for you & your child.
You can't force him to go to AA. He has to go for him or it won't work.
No. After that come to Jesus talk while we were still dating, he stopped abusing alcohol. He didn't drink regularly, and when he did drink, it was in moderation - maybe a couple of beers while watching a football game type of thing. Nothing dangerous or unhealthy. I chalked his earlier alcohol abuse up to someone leaving a culture of heavy drinking (the military), not someone who was a lush. I wouldn't have married him, let alone had a kid with him, if he had continued to drink heavily or regularly. But he didn't, and it's been almost four years and I've spent all but a few nights with him in those four years.
He is not drinking and driving. He was in his home office, listening to music, farting around on the internet, and looking at family pictures on his computer. I was talking to him maybe an hour before he came to bed and he was not drunk at that point though he'd had a couple of drinks over the course of the evening (five-ish hours at that point). He remembers the entire evening and coming to bed, but not getting out of bed three hours later and thinking he was in the bathroom.
I have done a lot of thinking over the last day about what happened and what to do next. I am not ready to end the marriage. Not yet. I have known more than a few people who hit a point and realize they have to make a change and they do so, without a program. They did acknowledge they had a problem and took responsibility for it. I have to give him that chance. (Yes, again.) Before he was doing it for me; I don't think he truly believed that he had an alcohol problem because everyone he knew drank like that, or drank more and more often. Now he acknowledges that he has a problem, because he's done something unusual and disgusting and embarrassing.
I know from the outside this sounds naive, foolish, stupid, or co-dependent. A divorce would ruin both of us financially right now, and while he has parents who could help him I do not. I am not ruling out ever leaving. But I have to see whether he can do what he says he's going to do, now that he knows I will leave him, now that he knows what's at stake and has acknowledged he has a problem. If he does not, then I know what I will have to do, that I will have to separate and make some form addiction counseling a condition of continuing the marriage and having visitation with our son.
I don't mean just tonight Is he drinking and driving.
He probably is under the influence when he gets behind the wheel; he probably qualifies for over the legal limit. Don't ask me what I think of anybody who drinks and drives or what I think of a person who looks the other way while her husband is doing it.
And even if he is walking while impaired he could also get clipped by a vehicle, due to impaired judgement!
Get rid of this guy today.
If his drinking was a problem when he was dating you, he needed AA.
And you needed him like a hole in the beeping head.
He cannot quit out of the blue; AA calls that a dry drunk. You're not officially in recovery; you are still considered an active drinker with a big problem. AA will tell you that.
He may not be medically safe to quit on his own --- he needs a doc's exam and possibly rehab. See more further down about why he may need rehab and most definitely needs to get a full workup from a doc.
And "quitting" meant donkey d!ck in the past. And quitting on one's own is meaningless; he needs AA and or a drug and alcohol counselor.
Go to AA yourself -- find a meeting on line -- and tel them what you told us. I guarantee you that they will say what we have told you.
And even if his drinking was not for you or made you uncomfortable, you needed to say goodbye to him when you found out his drinking was something you did not like.
No lick and a promise or riot act will make him clean and sober. You found that out way too late.
He didn't drink regularly, and when he did drink, it was in moderation - maybe a couple of beers while watching a football game type of thing.
This defeats the purpose of it all!!!!! You also have NO idea if he told the truth about just how much he drank -- and I cant figure out why you found this "agreement" to be acceptable at all.
WHY do you want this LOSER????
Nothing dangerous or unhealthy. I chalked his earlier alcohol abuse up to someone leaving a culture of heavy drinking (the military), not someone who was a lush. I wouldn't have married him, let alone had a kid with him, if he had continued to drink heavily or regularly. But he didn't, and it's been almost four years and I've spent all but a few nights with him in those four years.
Wrong. Not all guys in the service are drinkers, nor do they have a drinking culture. A drunk is a drunk and that is what he is. whether he was in the military or not -- and if he saw combat, I would not doubt that is why he drinks.
He could have been hiding his drinking or drinking when you had no clue of an idea of when he might be doing it. I can't figure out why you wanted a guy who is already broken.
I have done a lot of thinking over the last day about what happened and what to do next. I am not ready to end the marriage. Not yet. I have known more than a few people who hit a point and realize they have to make a change and they do so, without a program.
This is a bad idea. And so is becoming a dry drunk!
SO is being on that river called denial...and that's where you are! For love of mike: AlANon for you TODAY!!!!!!!
So is a codependency a bad idea. That's what you have, not a healthy marriage dynamic.
He possibly also needs a doc's examination and possibly rehab. A doc can make that call.
He could also have problems developing with his liver, or kidneys, or who knows what else, thanks to his boozing -- and he may also have mental illness; drinking can do that to you.
He needs a physician, and stat.
They did acknowledge they had a problem and took responsibility for it. I have to give him that chance. (Yes, again.)
Then have a good time, giving him Chance Number 2 out of God knows how many chances!!! You'll waste your best years doing this. Is this what you want???
Before he was doing it for me; I don't think he believed that he had an alcohol problem because everyone he knew drank like that, or drank more and more often.
Doing it for you???
No.
He has to do it FOR HIMSELF. Doing it for others wont' work.
Now he acknowledges that he has a problem, that he's done something unusual and disgusting and embarrassing.
Sure. But he did not immediately say he's going to AA and then do it, or going to see a drug and alcohol counselor.
What do you think of that?
And he WILL have more blackouts. And not necessarily with you on premise. Blackouts are dangerous and not normal.
I know this sounds naive or foolish or stupid. A divorce would ruin both of us financially right now, and while he has parents who could help him I do not.
This really is asking for trouble!
Hock your wedding ring, sell something, get an advance on your credit card, get legal aid --- call your county bar for a recommendation for a very low cost attorney.
And being he ruined your life, what do you care if his life is ruined financially??? That's HIS big problem, NOT YOURS!!! How he pays for his divorce is his bloody problem.
And it is okay with you financially if he pisses away money on booze -- money that is spent on essentials!!!! Why is this okay with you???
I am not ruling out ever leaving. But I have to see whether he can do what he says he's going to do, knowing what's at stake and acknowledging he has a problem. If he does not, then I know what I will have to do, that I will have to make AA or addiction counseling a condition of continuing the marriage and having visitation with our son.
You don't give him time!
He already knows where he's got you and he's playing you for the fool.
Alcohol use in excess is a dealbreaker.
So are other addictions, adultery, letting other people come between you and your spouse and oh yeah, so is being a drunk: Dealbreakers.
And even if you chose to stay with him while he officially begins recovery, you have a very rough road ahead of you. Addictions are a day to day battle and he is one drink away from falling right back into the hole he was in. You will be struggling right along with him.
What to do:
Pack everything up while he is gone for the day and go. Leave while he is at work tomorrow.
Go to your parent's house; live there. Do not tell him you are going. Let him figure it out when he gets back. A bus ticket back will do; rent a car and drive HOME!
Put the charge on your card and GO.
Like I said, hock your ring; get an advance on your card. You'll have the retainer for an attorney. "But I can't afford it" is no future to build for you and your child; Your H has to go; he's a drunk. End of story.
So will getting a job once you are re-settled where you were living. Use that money to pay for an attorney.
Get child support settled and NO VISITATION until he is clean and sober. And can PROVE he is, with the help of AA and a sponsor and/or drug and alcohol counseling. No quitting on his own. That's OUT.
NOT clean and sober, proving he did so with the help of AA and a sponsor and/or a drug counselor? Then that's the end of seeing your child and his.
If he quits on his own it is meaningless. He could say that he is but could be secretly drinking. Addicts have ways of hiding their drinking.
I don't know who the other kiddo lives with but if that kid lives with his biological mother, she needs to get that youngster away from his dad and stat. He's in no shape to partially custodize a child, thanks to his "other woman"....the bottle.
While his dad is an active drunk, he should NOT be permitted to have custody, or visitation. End of story.
If his exwife or exSO has no idea that your H is drinking, I think you need to tell her stat. He could be hiding his drinking from her, for all you know, and from the kiddo also.
Protect your assets: put your money where he cannot get it and take what is yours and do what you need to do...from there, you can pay for your divorce.
Wishing you luck. YOu cannot stay with him while he's with his "other woman" --- this is bad for you and your kiddo and you need to go TODAY.
And counseling for you, right now. It will help, along with AlAnon.
Look, I'm trying really hard not to get totally defensive over the situation, but the guy is not getting behind the wheel drunk or under the influence and he's not drinking outside the house away from me. I am in charge of our bank accounts. I see what he's spending money on and where, and he's not going to bars, the liquor store, restaurants. He goes to work, he comes straight home. Every night. We spend our weekends together. Every weekend. We go to bed at the same time 99% of the time and get up at the same time. In the last year I've been up at nights a lot, and he always sleeps through the night. I say with a great deal of confidence and honesty that he is not drinking at any where near the level you're saying he is. For nearly four years, he's gone weeks without a drink, turned down drinks, had just one or two socially - in other words, handled alcohol like the vast majority of non-alcoholic adults. He has not had a binge episode like he did early in our relationship. I know this because I've been there the entire time.
Of course I'm afraid that could change. It's my worst fear. That's why I wrote my post. Obviously a binge episode that leads to drunken sleep pissing or a blackout is bad. It's upsetting. I'm angry over it. I am not turning a blind eye to what happened, nor am I forgetting it. But after a lot of reflection and prayer, I'm not at the walking away point. Not yet. For a lot of reasons, most of which I've alluded to.
I appreciate your advice, I do, though I don't agree with it. I am going to start looking into resources through our church.
Blackouts are not normal. He has a bad drinking problem. Period.
He is getting the money from somewhere to do his drinking -- why is this okay with you that he is pissing up money to do it?
He sure isn't getting his booze for free.
And he is doing it SOMEWHERE. I assure you that he is.
He could also have a credit card you know nothing of. And to be on the safe side, run a credit check on the both of you, even if there's zero chance that he may have another card.
He could be hiding his drinking. You will never find out how, or where, or when. He could have booze hidden in his vehicle -- a coworker of mine got busted and fired from his job because of that. and in another instance, a guy was having his regularly earned overtime money issued to him via a separate paycheck with the work addy as his home addy. He drank away quite a bundle that way and his wife never knew that a ginormous sum of money was going to her husband's drinking habit.
I'm not lying. I have seen both these instances first hand.
Drunks are past masters of hiding their drinking.
Ask anybody in AA or AlAnon or anybody who has struggled with life with a drunk.
And he sure is doing his drinking somewhere. Has to be if he's got this large of a boozing problem.
You also sound like a cop, not a wife. This is bad, too. Your post reeks heavily of "I cannot trust this guy, no matter where he goes or how much time he spends with me."
The bottom line:
He's a drunk and he has to go. This is your ballgame -- and any amount of prayer isn't going to cure him, take it from one who is spiritual.
And that you are so far in denial is scary. Very scary.
I see no mention that you are going to even "try" AlAnon. In this sense of the word, you're just as big a drunk as he is.
You are putting your child at risk.
You are in total denial.
You are making excuses.
And you sound so na?ve that it is scary.
You actually think that a drunk only drinks when you are around to control the situation, and that he only drinks like this in the house? fool
reflection and prayer? lmao
I hope your child stays safe and we will see you back here next year.
If you don't want to help yourself no one here can help.
God helps those who helps themselves.
Reflection and prayer will get you nowhere in this situation.
Here's my background on alcohol/drinking. The culture in college was "work hard, play hard" and I had a lot of friends who drank. A lot. I knew people who blacked out or went to the ER. Today, many years later, these people are functioning adults, with families and careers, and are not alcoholics (functioning or otherwise). So, my bias is that yes, alcohol abuse or blackouts or whatever are serious, but they are not a one-way ticket to alcoholism with only AA and total abstention as the solution. When I first met DH, who was freshly out of the military (and I think the drinking culture in the Navy is quite well known), living in a new city and spending a lot of time with his family (big social drinkers), I knew that I thought he drank too much, but I did not think he was approaching alcoholism. I told him I didn't like his drinking, and that I would end the relationship if it continued. He said he would cut back, and he did.
For nearly four years you wouldn't think he was any different than the average person. He can have a beer or a cocktail and be fine with just one. He will often not drink anything at all when we're out. He can go weeks without a drink, or have one or two on a Friday or Saturday night. For four years there was nothing in our day to day lives that even hinted at alcohol abuse, let alone addiction.
I don't police him. I know what's going on with our money b/c I balance our checkbook and pay bills, not because I'm suspicious that he's blowing it at the bar. I know when he picks up some alcohol (once every couple of months or so) because he hands me the receipt just like he hands me the receipts for every other purchase - so I can track our spending.
Of course, it's possible that he's secretly drinking at work and in his car and magically sobering up the minute he walks in the house without smelling at all like alcohol or having gotten fired. It's possible that he's taken out secret credit cards in my name or his, opened a secret post office box so I won't see the bills when I check the mail, and paying the balance on these secret cards with secret cash that he gets...somehow. Possible? Well, almost anything is possible, I suppose. But probable? No. To float these scenarios as likely is downright ridiculous and paranoid, not naive.
Of course I'm concerned and angry over what happened. I am concerned that he is not like all the other hard partiers I've known in my life who went through a phase with drinking and eventually moved on. I am afraid of the possibility that he will not be able to do that.
Call me foolish, call me naive, whatever. I expected this when I posted. Thank you all for the advice. I am not taking it now, but it's tucked away in the back of my mind.
I am guessing you come from a family of alcoholics --- yours sounds like a textbook case so far.
Something is wrong iwth this picture: what matters is what is happening now. His drinking is out of control. it's time for you to leave. That's how it is.
So in short: you don't know where he's more or less getting the money for drinking...and you don't wish to know.
My parents didn't drink when I was growing up. I was in my 20s before I saw either of them have any alcohol. So no, I did not grow up in an alcoholic household.
My husband says his parents didn't drink much when he was growing up, and his younger sister says the same thing. Their mom remarried after their dad died and their mom's husband is a big social drinker, but DH was on his own by then.
DH talks about drinking a lot in the Navy, when on shore leave during deployments, and with his buddies on base. Everyone he hung out with did it. It didn't seem unusual. While I've heard others say the same thing about the military (Navy esp.), I pointed out to him that no, that's not really that common, at least not in the civilian world.
And as far as the money goes - his paycheck is directly deposited in our joint account. He doesn't pull out cash and he doesn't use checks, so he has to use a debit card. Our mail comes to a post office box. We both have keys but he never, ever checks it, so I get all the mail. We don't have joint debt, but I see his monthly credit card statements (I pay all the bills from our joint account, including the card). It's very very implausible that he has opened not only a secret credit card, but a secret mailbox and a secret checking account (with no cash in it!) just to drink, and that he's been able to pull this off for the two years of our marriage and merged finances. I mean I've watched enough Lifetime movies to know it's not impossible, but I cannot even entertain it as a serious possibility.
classic enabler
like I said no one here can help you because you don't want help
you only want people to tell you what a great and dedicated wife you are and how lucky he is to have you. how you deserve an award because you continue to put yourself and child through something that is and can be dangerous.
no one here is going to tell you that, no one is going to think you are a great and wonderful wife, super mom or amazing woman because you choose to ignore the facts, make excuses, and continue to put your child in danger.
yet you keep posting trying to prove none of those things are true....huge fail.
I didn't post here looking for pats on the back and thumbs up.
I posted because I am sad, angry, confused, and worried and I had no one else to talk to.
I do not believe my husband is an alcoholic. I do think he could become one. That scares me. I do not think it is a foregone conclusion. The uncertainty over what will happen scares me even more.
Well, you will get no more sympathy here, and no more advice here.
YOu've gotten advice and you do not wish to take it.
my exhusband is a recovering alcoholic, when we were married, his story sounds just like what you told here.
Your husband is an alcoholic and your life is going to be miserable. get out now, take the kids, tell him rehab and at LEAST one year sober, weekly family and marriage counseling sessions with an addiction trained therapist. then maybe, there is a chance you can save your marraige.
and listen to the poster who said dry drunk, it is true. My ex didn't follow thru with his AA, he is a classic dry drunk now, and his new wife is in the process of leaving him.
It is the same as anybody who has an addiction: they have to hit "rock bottom" and then realize that there is a problem --- and that problem can only be helped with AA and/or a drug and alcohol counselor and perhaps rehab, also. As I said, a doc has to medically evaluate him and decided if rehab is warranted.
Suggest it?
No, it is A MUST.
I still say leave him --- because addiction is a dealbreaker.
You can also say:
"Honey, I love you but not the fact you are a drunk. Therefore, I am taking our son and leaving.
"When you are clean for a year and can prove you are, with the help of AA and a sponsor --- and/or a drug and alcohol counselor --- we can talk.
"Until then, it's goodbye."
And then GO.
Don't enable this drunk and don't be part of a codependency.
And above all do NOT expose your kiddo to his father's disgusting drunken antics. As I said, thanks to drunken dad, your son now is predisposed to addictions, too --- it tends to run in the family.
Just to throw another possibility out there, you might want to have your husband get a check-up with a doctor and tell the doctor what happened. This may not have been an incident that was solely alcohol related, it could also be related to any number of diseases...though I also agree that your husband should have to go to AA and completely cut alcohol out of the picture.
I think a few of the PPs are being extra harsh with you, lots of fathers have the occasional beer and are raising their kids just fine...your husband has sort of proven that he can't handle this and thus it should be dealt with, but if he's willing to deal with his problem I don't think it's right to just jump right to divorce.
Hang in there - goodluck! Update us if there's progress
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Here's another one who thinks we are being too hard on somebody. What a joke this place is.
The "occasional beer" and a DRUNK are 2 different things!!!! And "sort of proven"? You're kidding.
The only way out of this is to say goodbye. Drugs are a dealbreaker and alcohol is a drug.
If the OP wants to give him a year to get clean and sober, given he goes to AA, she needs to leave the scene for that year until he can prove he is clean and sober, she can do that also.
There are people who are more prone to blacking out when drinking. Some of them only drink rarely, but when they have more than their biological threshold they black out. That alone isn't a sign he needs AA. The fact that his reaction to pissing his pants wasn't "oh wow, I have a problem" suggests he doesn't know his own limits. Technically, these things alone don't define him as an alcoholic, but they're HUGE red flags that it doesn't sound like he's taking very seriously.
From your other posts it doesn't sound like you intend to actually leave anytime soon. I'd encourage you to think carefully about YOUR limits and be very honest with him about what they are. "When you cross X line, I am out of here and taking the kid", then actually follow through! A lot of people sitting in AA rooms got there because their wife took the kids and left. That can be a rock bottom inducing moment!
Regardless, check out an Al-Anon meeting and you may be surprised to hear other people (mostly women) telling your story. Good luck.
If his drinking has been pretty scaled back throughout the marriage, his tolerance levels probably dropped significantly. If he had more than usual, I think that's probably why he had such a dramatic incident... not excusing it, at all, but I don't think that points to him being an alcoholic. I think it was probably a lapse in judgment on his part with negative results.
I don't think you're enabling him by staying with him and trying to work through this rough patch in your marriage and in his personal life.... I actually applaud you for trying to work through it. I think you should exhaust every effort of making it work before you come to the conclusion that you need out. Especially since you have a baby to think about now... if you can salvage the family in the long run, I think that is worth trying at least.
Now, I am in a marriage with a functioning alcoholic and what happened to you definitely doesn't sound like alcoholism to me. My husband can barely go one day without drinking pretty heavily... his tolerance is so high that just this weekend he drank all day, going through probably 3-4 beers and 3-4 big cup mixed drinks with no effects at all. He only works on his yard, but can only do that with a drink, things are broken all over my house and have been for months because he's too busy drinking and playing games.... now that is a huuuuge problem with me. I've tried to help him slow down on my own, but it's definitely not working. My next step, I've realized, is not to leave him, but to HELP him by getting outside help. I love him and he's my best friend - I don't just leave someone like that behind me because he's struggling with an addiction.
NOW that being said... if me seeking counseling for us and seeking outside help for his addiction doesn't help him... if he still refuses to change, it's because he's chosen alcohol over our marriage and life together. Now if that happens, that is when I'll leave. It will break me completely, but it will have to be done for my own future.
That is my opinion, of course. I would seek outside help and counseling for you two if it's bothered you enough to write a post on here, and go from there. You'll know if you ever have to leave and just from your writing, you seem like a strong enough person to make the right decision at that point. Hope this helps a little bit with your situation - sorry you have to deal with this conflict... I know it's depressing and you can feel very alone (at least in my relationship).
I would try to get the situation back under control for your marriage as much as you can and if it fails, then I would seriously consider leaving. An alcoholic home is a worse home for a family than a single parent home, in my opinion.
This is pretty crazy, too. "Negative results"? Gee, great. Thanks for airbrushing it for the OP, who is off in denial land as we speak.
I don't think you're enabling him by staying with him and trying to work through this rough patch in your marriage and in his personal life.... I actually applaud you for trying to work through it.
Working through it?
No, denying through it, all the way.
I think you should exhaust every effort of making it work before you come to the conclusion that you need out. Especially since you have a baby to think about now... if you can salvage the family in the long run, I think that is worth trying at least.
She should have thought about all of this when she found out this guy drank too much for her tastes --- and then moved on.
Now, I am in a marriage with a functioning alcoholic and what happened to you definitely doesn't sound like alcoholism to me.
So what DOES it sound like, to you?
My husband can barely go one day without drinking pretty heavily... his tolerance is so high that just this weekend he drank all day, going through probably 3-4 beers and 3-4 big cup mixed drinks with no effects at all. He only works on his yard, but can only do that with a drink, things are broken all over my house and have been for months because he's too busy drinking and playing games.... now that is a huuuuge problem with me.
And you tolerated this bullshit.
You're even more dense than the OP is.
That amount of alcohol is not only destructive but quite the drain on your hard earned money; you're turning the other way while he's pissing up YOUR money on his other woman, too. Great.
I've tried to help him slow down on my own, but it's definitely not working. My next step, I've realized, is not to leave him, but to HELP him by getting outside help. I love him and he's my best friend - I don't just leave someone like that behind me because he's struggling with an addiction.
What outside help is that?
Counseling on your own and/or AlAnon?
Nowhere in this post do I even SEE you mention AlAnon.
NOW that being said... if me seeking counseling for us and seeking outside help for his addiction doesn't help him... if he still refuses to change, it's because he's chosen alcohol over our marriage and life together. Now if that happens, that is when I'll leave. It will break me completely, but it will have to be done for my own future.
Honey, he's already made this choice. Time to pack your bags.
so, you have stayed with an alcoholic who has not improved or gotten help and you think she should do the same? that's great advice!
he husband peed on the floor he was so drunk...no one should put up with that...no one!
so, you have stayed with an alcoholic who has not improved or gotten help and you think she should do the same? that's great advice!
Do as she says, not do as we say.:(
her husband peed on the floor he was so drunk...no one should put up with that...no one!
This won't be the only blackout he has.
Suppose he has a blackout at work and does something similarly horrific or it happens elsewhere???
I am still smh at the "negative results" comment.
And neither the OP nor this person has mentioned AlAnon.
What can I tell ya?
Personally I think outright dumping the man immediately is a little rash. This is something I would pursue in counseling though. I wouldn?t be giving him a free pass or anything, but man it seems that any time any spouse has any issue on this board there are posters who immediately call for a divorce. Should you do nothing about this? Absolutely not. But I do know people who have weathered similar storms and have happy marriages today.
WOW! so you think that "giving him a chance" is acceptable????
He's had MANY chances --- and the most recent one was his blackout!
This is NOT a "weathered storm"! This is serious deep sh!t and if you think this is something that can be worked through, you're BSCier then the OP is.
Alcoholism is a dealbreaker and that's what the OP has: a dealbreaker.
I feel boards like this are to utilize as a sounding board, but I do not feel they are a good place to make major life decisions like divorce. This is why I recommended professional counseling. So far as I know, no one who participates in this board is a qualified licensed therapist. And even if they are, a licensed therapist would never make a major recommendation like divorce over a message board based on reading several posts from only one half of the couple?s point of view.
I am going through this right now, my DH (former Navy) is currently in rehab.
I respectfully say you DH has a problem with alcohol. The sooner you both admit the problem and seek help, the better. I will not judge you for your desire to keep your marriage together but I pray you will see there is a problem here.
I agree with PP's, Al Anon is a must for you. It has helped me tremendously and has opened my eyes to a few things and has taught me things that helped make sense of my impossible situation.
My DH and I are also Christians and believe our marriage consists of me, him and God. And, if you feel comfortable seeking solace from your pastor, etc...that's fine. But please also seek professional help from people who understand the disease of alcoholism.
I will keep you and your DH in my thoughts and prayers.