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Am I being unreasonable
My marriage is having issues and we are starting counseling to try to improve it. I can't stand my husband. I have no desire to be intimate in any way with him. He however thinks we need to continue having sex in order to improve our marriage. I think sex should be an expression of love, and I'm not really feeling any love right now. He keeps pushing it and won't take no for an answer. It is making me very angry and makes me want to screw counseling and just get a divorce. I have told him this yet it still pushes the issue. Makes me wonder if sex is more important to him then our marriage.
He thinks that he is entitled to have sex with me because he is my husband. He goes as far as telling me we are going to do it at a certain time and says I don't have a choice. If I stand my ground long enough he will eventually give up,
I guess what I'm looking for is a neutral opinion to figure out if I am being so unreasonable.
Re: Am I being unreasonable
Well on one hand, yes sex is very important to a marriage, I won't deny that. However, the way it improves a marriage is when both people enjoy it and find it pleasurable. If he is treating you like you are just a warm hole for him to stick his **** into, then of course that won't help.
The fact that he is telling you when you are going to have sex with him is a bit scary.
So sometimes "faking it til you make it" can actually help people.
BUT in your case, saying he's "entitled" to sex, telling you you have "no choice but to do it at a certain time", that's scary and over the line.
Protect yourself.
It's never his right to have sex. Honestly this isn't the middle ages.
I will say I kind of see his side, he could be using sex with you as a way to pretend for a while that you are "back to normal". My girl friend went through something similar. She and her H were struggling with their marriage and entered counseling. During that time he would repeatedly expect sex and would push. My friend held her ground until a few weeks into counseling before she felt comfortable enough to resume sex with her H. That was almost 6 years ago and they are still happily married.
Sex is good for a marriage IF both you and your H are enjoying it.
I'm sorry you're dealing with this. Good Luck
If you already detest being near him, I do not see much of a chance for you to succeed at counseling and I don't see any chance for the marriage being fixed.
You've emotionally checked out.
And yes, sex should BE an expression of love, not a commodity on demand.
He's childish and puerile. He doesn't sound like much of a gem to me.
He thinks that he is entitled to have sex with me because he is my husband. He goes as far as telling me we are going to do it at a certain time and says I don't have a choice. If I stand my ground long enough he will eventually give up,
This is a mess. I'd boot this guy ASAP if I were you --- really? YOU have no choice??? How foul.
Good luck; get out as soon as possible. I'd hate to see this fruitcake blow sky high while you are still under the same roof as he is.
I'm sorry you are going through this, but he is probably trying to use sex as that little bit of emotional connection with you. Maybe tell him that you want to do other things to express your love, besides sex. Rent a movie together and cuddle up on the couch, cook a new recipe together, go for a walk without any cell phones or distractions. Take the time to discuss anything non-marriage. Sometimes focusing on why the marriage isn't going well, will make things even worse. Instead discuss your goals as individuals, a dream vacation, a hobby, etc. Something that is not related to why you are angry with each other at the moment.
Also, I believe I know who you are and if you are currently TTC, please put that off and put your marriage first. That is more important.
TTC since 1/13 DX:PCOS 5/13 (long, anovulatory cycles)
Clomid 50mg 9/13 = BFP! EDD 6/7/14 M/C 5w6d Found 11/4/13
1/14 PCOS / Gluten Free Diet to hopefully regulate my system.
Chemical Pregnancy 03/14
Surprise BFP 6/14, Beta #1: 126 Beta #2: 340 Stick baby, stick! EDD 2/17/15
Riley Elaine born 2/16/15
TTC 2.0 6/15
Chemical Pregnancy 9/15
Chemical Pregnancy 6/16
BFP 9/16 EDD 6/3/17
Beta #1: 145 Beta #2: 376 Beta #3: 2,225 Beta #4: 4,548
www.5yearstonever.blogspot.com
First of all I would like to say I think it's great you are trying to improve your marriage and are not giving up.
The way your husband is approaching the issue of you not being intimate with him is the wrong approach in my opinion. He shouldn't demand sex or make you feel pressure. you need to respect each other. while you are having trouble desiring him he is also going through his wife saying she no longer desires him and cant stand him. think how you would feel if the roles were reversed. hes feeling rejected im sure.
However, sex and intimacy are both very important parts of marriage and it simply can't survive without them. It may be hard to be intimate when you can't stand the man but I would bring it up in counseling. The therapist must have suggestions and you should follow them. You are healing and its going to hurt and be uncomfortable. so the next time you hold hands or have sex you might not like it but you have to go through it if you truly want to heal your marriage. just remember you are in this together on the same team and working towards the same goal.
Uhhmmmmmmmmmmmm ????
Did some of you not read the part where her husband said he was going to have sex with her at so and so time and she DIDN'T HAVE A CHOICE IN THE MATTER ?
Presumably he wants to have a healthy, ongoing sexual relationship with you... There's no way that can be built on a foundation of coerced sex.
If he were saying "I want to have a loving relationship with you, and that includes regular sex, so how can we get there together," I'd be on board with him. That is a legitimate need, respectfully expressed, and it wouldn't be right of you to shut it down completely and refuse to try to work through it with him. But what he wants is completely at odds with that sentiment, and I think it would be toxic of you NOT to refuse him under those conditions.
First of all, I strongly commend you for agreeing to go to counseling in spite of how you feel. This might really help...I hope it does!
As far as the intimacy issue, that's a tough one. Sex is very important to a marriage. This is the very first thing I would discuss with the counselor. It's hard to comment further without knowing if there was some type of infidelity. That would make trust much harder to come by, and the hurt might be deeper than some of the other types of issues in marriage. That might also cause there to be a wall between you and your husband when it comes to intimacy. It's good you're going to see a counselor. He/she should be able to help the two of you work through these issues. Good luck!
tell him that you will discuss it in counseling.
When you've been married this long, you need a ticker to remind you.
Baby Boy M - 08/01/2013
I agree..I mean, again, trying to create intimacy, etc, that is good general advise for the situation....
When the sex is not being scarily coerced!
Agreed, please talk to your therapist about this?
Wow. Completely agree.
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
http://notesfortheirtherapist.blogspot.co.uk
Yeah. Isn't that marital rape? fuuuuuuuuuucking hell.
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
http://notesfortheirtherapist.blogspot.co.uk
Respectfully expressed?
Hell no. READ what the OP said.
She needs to get out, just based on the fact she detests him.
I think she meant IF it was respectfully expressed.
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
http://notesfortheirtherapist.blogspot.co.uk
Yeah, that was badly worded. Sorry for being unclear. I was trying to draw a distinction between a theoretical, respectful request (what her husband is NOT doing) and coercion (what he IS doing).
I am not TTC. I don't think am the person you are thinking of.
This was my first thought also. Does he know why your marriage is headed on this path? By that I mean have you told him word for word, men can be dense at times and sometimes we just expect them to understand but we have to explain things a little more.
Screw counseling.
Leave.
He's going to force himself on you!