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problems with ex wife (1st post)
Hi everyone. Hope everyone is having a good morning.
FI and I are both divorced, and are getting married next summer. He has 3 kids with his ex wife.
Soon after they got married she decided she didn't want to work anymore. The whole marriage (10 years) he was the breadwinner. They had 3 kids during the marriage, but not right away.
A condition of the divorce was that he would keep the kids on his health insurance, but not her. She agreed and signed the papers. Now, she's complaining that she doesn't have any health insurance and it's making him feel guilty. He's not keeping her on because he knows it's illegal and understands the consequences.
She flat out refuses to get a job, or look for a job, even something part time. She and the kids were living with her mother, stepfather and sister in a nice house in a nice area. She got into a big fight with her mother and sister, took the kids and has been living with them in a cheap hotel. She's even having a Catholic charity paying for the hotel now.
It's killing me that FI feels guilty about it. I just got off the phone with him, and he's even saying that she's not saying anything about it anymore, but it's bothering him. I said, "Well, if it's not bothering her, why is it bothering you? She's not concerned about her health, why should you be?" I understand that she's the mother of his kids, they have a history together, and that he cares about her, but at the same time I feel like he's dwelling on it too much.
I've never been in a situation like this. I want to be supportive, of course, but I feel like she's a dependent mooch. Am I overreacting? I don't know how to handle this.
Re: problems with ex wife (1st post)
It was not part of the divorce agreement.
She heeds to shut up, woman up and accept it for the way it is.
AND she needs to get out there and find a job.
I would blow the whistle on this so fast that it would make her mooching head spin:
She and the kids were living with her mother, stepfather and sister in a nice house in a nice area. She got into a big fight with her mother and sister, took the kids and has been living with them in a cheap hotel. She's even having a Catholic charity paying for the hotel now.
She is doing this under false pretenses! This is also fraud --- she was living with parents so she was hardly destitute and homeless. Neither were her kids.
What you have:
A FI problem.
He needs to have his attorney send her a letter that states in no short terms that no way can she expect health insurance coverage from him. Again, not part of the divorce agreement.
He is a pushover at this point.
Don't marry this guy until he learns to stand up for himself and learns to PUT YOU FIRST. By fact of the matter he is letting a hot mess like this become an issue, he isn't putting you first.
His kids are living in a cheap hotel and you are worried about him caring about her health insurance.
real nice
Document all of this.
Talk to his lawyer about getting custody of the kids, even if it is just temporary.
It seems she is using the kids as pawns to get what she wants. Send her the clear message that there will be consequences for this kind of behavior.
Blow the whistle on her --- she's stealing IMO; she is not disadvantaged; somebody else who needs that service should be getting it, not HER ---- and he should be fighting for custody at this point.
What a sh!tty example she is for the kids. Lots this is going to teach them about honesty. Their mother is a crook.
I agree with all of this.
That said the cheap hotel and unstable living environment is what should concern him. Insurance doesn't fix that. His lawyer should also file paper work for immediate removal and the child should be placed in his temp. care until the mother can get a job and find housing. I assume he paid spousal support for a certain period of time and that has run its course. You need to be really careful judging this woman, she wasn't lazy, she was a SAHM, a decision they probably made together. She might be a horrible person but that is none of your concern.
It doesn't sound like the divorce has been finalized very long. How long has the ink on the paper been dry? Family counseling might be a good idea for him and his kids.
Baby Boy loved for 15 weeks, 5/31/11
Baby Girl loved for 16.5 weeks. 3/1/12
He doesn't need to speak to her: all he needs to do is let his attorney handle it and do the talking for him.
The kids are another story: they're his dependents. It's only right he provides coverage.
I get why he's concerned about her health insurance if she has primary custody - she's raising his kids, he should want her healthy! But being concerned about it doesn't mean he should pay for it. It's her responsibility.
If she's destitute and living in a motel on church charity, why isn't he stepping up to care for the three kids? I'd like to give him the benefit of the doubt that he has a good reason... what is it?
She isn't destitute. She was livingi with her parents before she decided to fraudulently squeeze Catholic Charities for free room and board.
Why isn't he concerned that she's pretty much using a service she is not entitled to use?
Ok destitute is too strong. But she has no job, has no prospects of getting a job, has been unemployed for 10 years, and lives in a motel with 3 kids. She's broke - the church charity is just a temporary reprieve. It's not like it makes motel life any better for the kids if they can say "we'll she's not really destitute, she is just refusing to work." Her crumminess won't fill their bellies.
My point is that her financially stable ex-husband should either be giving her more support or taking the kids, for the sake of the kids. I get why he doesn't want to give her more support. So why isn't he trying to care for the kids?
She could be the biggest cheating, lying b!tch n the universe - that's not important. What's important is that his kids are raised well. I'm wondering why he's not taking the obvious steps to make that happen, and assuming there's a good explanation... Wondering what it is. More information from the OP would help.
I'm also thinking... even if she tried to get a job, could she? Could she find one that paid well enough, and had regular enough hours, for her to manage child care for 3 kids? I'm thinking not. And if she tried to find a place to live on her own, could she find a rental that accommodates 4 and that will rent to her even though she has no income and probably no credit? Again, probably not. So I think she and the kids are in a genuinely sh!tty place here, regardless of how they got there, and the focus needs to be on how to improve the kids' situation.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
How on Earth could you know that the ex-wife is "fraudlently squeezing Chatholic Charties?" Were you in the room with her when she applied for assistance? I think it's at least within the realm of possibility that when she could have simply said "I have three children; I was living in my parents' nice home, but we got into a fight, and now I am no longer welcome there. Could you assist me with housing?" Am I wrong? Is fraud really the only possibility here?
OP, it sounds like the ex has let the topic drop, so why worry about it?