Anything in common?

Perrylana

My husband was completely different when we were dating.  He attributes this to trying to butter me up and reel me in! I on the other hand told him from the very beginning I was a total emotional mess a very needy person, he responds with " I thought u were joking." Now I feel as if I'm married to a giant 12 year old and we share no common interests HELP I love him but how do I work thru this

ReturnOfKuus

How long were you together before you got married?

hyperion0616

Perrylana:

My husband was completely different when we were dating.  He attributes this to trying to butter me up and reel me in! I on the other hand told him from the very beginning I was a total emotional mess a very needy person, he responds with " I thought u were joking." Now I feel as if I'm married to a giant 12 year old and we share no common interests HELP I love him but how do I work thru this

Why in the world did you marry him without having a complete knowledge of him? I know that there are still many things to discover with your partner after marriage, but with an issue this blatant, I can't understand why the two of you went through with it. Not trying to be snarky, just...taken aback, I guess. 

Talk to him. Communication is key, and the two of you can't just do your own things, hoping that you'll get along in the process. You're going to have to tell him things he doesn't want to hear (things that irritate you about him, etc etc), and you're going to have to hear things that you don't want him to say. 

The key point is to help each other find strengths and weaknesses, likes and dislikes - and work together to find a middle ground. Try introducing him to some things that you like, and be open minded about what he likes. A marriage is a partnership, and the two of you have to remember that you're in this together. You can't fix all the problems, and neither can he. 

Just remember to be respectful about it all. Going off on him about your irritations with him isn't going to be productive, it's just going to set him off and keep him on the defensive, rather than opening him up to working with you.

Best of luck! And...I'm going to play the devil's advocate, and say that if things just don't work out...life goes on. The clock still ticks, so make the most out of the time you have left.  

tiffanysbride

Sounds like you need to work on you. If you feel that you are an "emotional mess and very needy" then you should sort through those feelings. Are you insecure? Codependent? It's sort of hard to advise when I don't know what you mean by those statements. If you are in fact very needy and emotional it might just be really draining on him, which would lead any sane person to avoid extra time with the other doing hobbies. 

I would suggest that you try to do some things he likes and he should do the same for you. There is a middle ground. Also, find something new that you both could try together for the first time. 

 

tiffanysbride

Okay read your post on FM, why did you marry and have children with him? You live with your in-laws with your family of 5. Assuming the emotional aspect is not from PPD and from living with your in-laws then it is time to move out and actually become a unit. The whole situation is just not okay. 

TarponMonoxide

Perrylana:

My husband was completely different when we were dating.  He attributes this to trying to butter me up and reel me in! I on the other hand told him from the very beginning I was a total emotional mess a very needy person, he responds with " I thought u were joking." Now I feel as if I'm married to a giant 12 year old and we share no common interests HELP I love him but how do I work thru this

If you knew you were needy and had a ton of emotional issues, why didn't you get counseling on your own?

More backstory is needed here: How long did you date him before you were married, etc?

moonprincessd

I suggest seeing marriage/family counselor. From the sounds of it, you should have probably seen one before getting married....

sillygoosegirl

Given that he basically lied to get you to marry him, are you sure you actually want to work though this?  

asewell

You don't get to say "I'm an emotional mess" and do nothing to fix it. If you know this about yourself, you owe it to your partner to work on it. Counseling, church, personal reflection, whatever works for you... but do something.

Likewise, he doesn't get to say he only acted nice to "reel you in" and then just stop acting nice. He presented himself a certain way and that's what you married -- assuming it wouldn't be self destructive to him to keep acting that way, he owes it to you to keep it up.  

If its not working for either of you then sure, you can call it a day and split. But your "emotional neediness" is still going to haunt you in future relationships.

Aren't you the one who posted about the house sharing? I think that would be a difficult environment to work on a marriage.

Can you move out and focus on yourselves? What's stopping you? Money? Guilt? Inlaws helping with child care? 

dsimsy

Wow that sounds like a very rough and confusing question! I'm sure you're feeling very sensitive and it is brave of you to even post such intimate information. Thanks for reaching out. After getting married, some people change, sometimes for better or for worse. Marriage is different than dating. With dating you can say, "well, we just don't get along anymore, so let's break up." This is not the case with marriage. By getting married, you and your husband have vowed to each other that you will stick together through thick and thin, better or worse. I have only been married for three year, but dated my husband for seven years prior to that. So we know each other pretty well. Despite that, I read a book recently, that helped change my perspective on marriage. It's called The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. While I don't agree with everything in the book, I feel like it gave some good suggestions to improve a marriage. http://www.5lovelanguages.com/ The book discusses that there are approximately five ways to speak to your spouse in a way that says "I love you." I found it helpful. It may not work miracles, but it's definitely a jumping off point to help improve a marriage. I also suggest, like many others, that if you really feel that this is beyond a surface level issue, then perhaps marriage counseling would be a good idea. Talking with an unbiased, outside person can help put things into perspective. Sometimes people just stop talking or communicating their feelings or thoughts, which tends to lead to tension in any relationship. Try telling your husband that you would like to spend more time together, or talking more, or sharing the burden of bills/household duties/kids/work/whatever! He is your life partner. Your number one. Your one and only. So tell him how you feel! It is good to establish the expectations you have of each other. Are the expectations realistic? If not how can y'all alter the expectations and find harmony? Good luck! Danielle