Trouble in Paradise
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Do you have to be selfless as a mother?
So, I wrote the title of this post and at least 3 paragraphs (which I've deleted) before I realized that I never got to my flipping point. Is it an obligation, a requirement, an undeniable truth, that you must be selfless to be a good mother?
I'm going through a really hard time and sought Googled for help. One of the woman who asked for help was given a condemnation that she should have realized BEFORE choosing to be a mom that to be a mom you had to be SELFLESS.
I've been a member of this board and its predecesors since 2002. I don't want to divulge too much, but I wont hold back if there are questions. I just truly want to know if others think that you can't be considered a "good" mother if you aren't completely selfless.
Re: Do you have to be selfless as a mother?
Selfless is a loaded word.
You have to be willing to make hard decisions and do what is right for your child, even if its not what you would prefer to do.
But you also have to work hard to maintain your own mental and emotional health, in order to mother well, and that means sometimes you need to do what's right for you, even if it's not what the kid would prefer.
Wisdom lies in knowing what to do when.
Usually when I hear moms talk about being "selfless," it's something like "I never shower or take care of myself anymore because I want to be available 24/7 to hear my baby cry" I think that's misguided. Acting like a martyr over dumb stuff isn't selfless. It's actually pretty self centered. Mom gets the payoff that she feels good about herself, and baby pays the price with an unhappy, strung out mother.
But once in a while you hear "I left my kids with my mom for a year so I could find myself... You can't lose your identity, you k ow!" And that's just mean to do.
No, but a selfish woman is a bad mother.
i don't think you necessarily have to martyr yourself but you do need to consider them kwim
I think you do need to be selfless in order to be a good mother.
You have to put someone else's (your child's) needs before your own.
As the PP mentioned, there are periods of time you can take for yourself (hire a baby sitter, leave baby with family, etc) but ultimately you are responsible for the needs of the child.
When you've been married this long, you need a ticker to remind you.
Baby Boy M - 08/01/2013
Yeah- I think it's a loaded word too.
That being said, the concept of being "completely" selfless? To me, I see "martyr". LIke the one PP said - I feel like someone who would see themselves as completley selfless would be the person who never showers - all in the name of being a "good mom".
Like most things in life - there needs to be balance. Of course there are times where I have to be selfless and put the needs of DS before my needs. However, I'm still me, an individual, and sometimes I need to be selfish (if I can even call it that...) and do things for myself, go out w/o DS, etc.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
It's healthy for children to observe their parents continuing in relationships with each other, other family members and their friends despite the fact that they are parents. It's also healthy for children to know that while they are deeply loved and treasured, they are not the center of the universe.
Like PPs said, "selfless" is loaded.
I think a better description is "willing to set boundaries" for moms' emotional and mental health, but to also set them to help in the social development of the child(ren).
I had an acquaintance in the old city I lived in. Every single night she let her daughter sleep with her and not just in the same bed - the child would only sleep directly on top of this woman. This mother was not getting any rest, she was ill all the time, and her daughter was a nightmare behavior-wise.
But mother refused to cease this behavior because in her mind she was being selfless.
To me, being selfless doesn't mean being a door mat to your kids and putting them ahead of my own health (of any kind). But it also means accepting the fact that life changes when you become a mom and maybe you cannot spend on things like you used to, or maybe your social life aspects are altered, or maybe you put some of your personal desires and goals temporarily on hold. It does not mean losing your identity.
Balance is key.
I heart you
I seriously doubt it. It's the female guilt complex. We are never convinced we are good enough.