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Need serious marriage advice (long)
I dont usually post here, but I need some advice.
A little background first: My DH and I have been married for almost 4 years and together for 6. We also have 19 month old twin girls and I am a stay at home mom.
For the last 6 months or so we have been going through a really bad rough patch. He got a new job and has been working 12 hour days 6 days a week. So he leaves around 4:30 in the morning and does not get home until almost 6 most days and he goes to bed around 7 when the girls go to bed. I don't get up until the girls do around 8 in the morning so I am always up much later at night then he is. So even though he is home, I spend most of my time alone or with kids. Over the course of the last 6 months things have progressively gotten worse. We rarely talk anymore and when we do we are frustrated/mad at each other or we just talk about the girls and what they did during the day. We never have any real conversations like we used to. It seems like we have become very disconnected and for me I feel like I have fallen out of love with him. I still care for him because he is the father of our beautiful twins, but I just don't feel the connection I used to. I also feel very resentful towards him because I am at home taking care of our girls all day, doing all the cooking and cleaning (which I have a hard time keeping up with and I get no help from him.) I am just not happy in my marriage anymore and there are some old wounds that for me have not really healed and I don't know if they will. In the past (before and after we were married) there were lies about someone he was friends with that he had feelings for. I found a bunch of emails between the two of them a few months before we were married. Then last year he became friends with a girl at work who is much much younger then him and I felt extremely betrayed when he chose to be friends with her even though I thought it was inappropriate and really upset me. He eventually stopped talking to her but only after we had a huge blow out fight and he walked out on me. Don't get me wrong, my DH is a good man and would do anything for me and I know he loves me and our girls very much. He has just made some poor decisions. Not that I am perfect. We have had many conversations about how I have been feeling over the last couple months after he started realizing how unhappy I am. He says that he will do anything that I need him to do to make our marriage work. The problem is I don't know if I want it to work out. Part of me thinks it is over and that I cannot be happy with him for the long run. I just feel very confused and lost. I know that going to therapy is an option, but honestly we just cannot afford it. It's expensive and we live on one income with a family of 4. Any thoughts or suggestions would be appreciated, but please no criticism. I am not looking for any negative comments, just some thoughts and suggestions on where I can go from here.
Re: Need serious marriage advice (long)
the two of you need to sit down and have a heart to heart. can he take a day off and you two get a babysitter for a few hours to be uninterrupted?
this is a tough situation with him working so much and never home and you home so often.
1. can he scale his hours back?
2. can you find some time for counseling even if he cant go? (whoops just saw your comment, most churches provide free therapy for memebrs or look at college counsling programs for student interns as a suggestion)
My other comment is that marriage is for better or worse. this is part of the worse. you are in a stressful time being alone with 2 littel ones all day and littel contact with your husband. look for ways to reconnect. spend even 15 minutes together daily talking. Pray together.
let him do baths? brush teeth, something with bedtime routines.
hang in there.
Both of you are working really hard, and it probably just kind of sucks right now.
If he's working 12 hour days 6 days a week and you are a SAHM, I wouldn't expect him to do any of the housework. I definitely wouldn't expect him to do bath or chores when he gets home in the evening, I get how much it sucks to be raising 2 babies completely alone, with no help from him, but it sucks equally that he is working entirely alone to support 4 people, with no help from you.
This could be a common sacrifice you are making, for a better future... but you won't have a future if you keep living miserable, overworked lives and split up in the end.
Your questions about other girls are kind of beside the point, since it's not like you have the time or the closeness to try and work through that right now. Fix your current living situation, then work on the relationship.
I don't think I could keep a marriage afloat under those conditions. Is this a short time thing, or permanent?
Why does he need to work so much? If it's to allow you to stay home, could you reconsider?
Why can't you both work, and both of you try to find jobs with reasonable hours so that you can share household duties, both be parents, and have some time together as a family?
If you're thinking that the cost of childcare would eat up your salary - yes, it probably would. But balancing the load might save your marriage. That's worth it.
Maybe delete it and find a way tor reload it --- if you are still having problems, it might be the Nest. Holla for a mod.:)
That said, I think your biggest problem is the very inappropriate "friendship" that your husband has with that woman.
He needs to end the so called friendship and in a hurry --- and no questions asked --- IF he cares about you, his marriage to you and providing you and the kids with a functional, healthy household.
If he won't?
Consider showing him the door.
IMO, this is not a good thing for your marriage. There's been problems here with him fully committing to you emotionally --- he's been on this same kick since way back when, a long time ago.
There are services you can use that will charge as per need basis -- contact your county department of mental health for a referral. You might also try calling your local hospital, asking for a crisis team worker and see what he or she can recommend for you in the way of low cost counseling services.
He needs to be talking TO YOU and spending time WITH YOU, not some other woman he met wherever.
Wishing you luck.
Yes, therapy can be expensive, but a divorce is much much more expensive.
Is there any way he can cut back on his hours ?
Is there anyway you guys can cut back on your bills so he doesn't have to work so much ?
Would it be possible for you to get a part time job if he cut back on hours ?
I feel badly for you both - why is he working such long hours and you are still struggling financially? There must be a better way - either you get a job too, or you work part time in the evenings/ weekends so that he can work less hours and have more family time, he changes jobs/ industries or re-trains, you re-train or upgrade your skills... there has to be something you can do to improve your financial situation as a couple so that he's not working like a dog to support a family he doesn't even see and a wife that doesn't even love him any more.
I'm assuming that there is a lot of stress and resentment going on in your home right now - from both of you. We're a family of 4 living on one income too (mine) and we look at it as a short term sacrifice (twins in daycare is NOT an option!). With decent planning and sacrifices we're able to get by just fine without me working 72 hours/week.
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
http://notesfortheirtherapist.blogspot.co.uk
Thanks for all the suggestions everyone. He works at a golf course and is a supervisor of the grounds crew. Because of the nature of his job the long hours are required during the summer months and he is salaried so he doesn't even get overtime. He took the job because it was a decent increase from what he was making at the previous golf course. Even though it was an increase it still is not a lot of money and we pay almost $200 a week for health insurance. We are also sacrificing any extra money to pay off our debt so that in a few years we are debt free with the exception of our mortgage. We had a lot of medical bills and credit card debt so we took out a loan to cut down on our interest charges. So in 3 years (hopefully sooner with extra payments) we will have that paid off as well as my car loan. I did recently take on a weekend job doing home healthcare for an elderly woman with dementhia but because that could be gone at any point if something happens to her, I am just treating that as savings. It helps me to get out and relax, strangely enough.
There is a lot of stress and resentment mostly on my end for sure. I feel like we should be a team and share the responsibility of housework and caring for the girls when we are both home. He knows how I feel but just seems to lack the motivation to put in the effort. Hopefully in a year and a half he will be getting a new job once he is done school. But that is not a guarantee. I really wish that things were different. Him and I have been through this kind of thing before. A few years ago when we were both working full time stressful jobs and not really home a lot. Obviously it was a lot easier to work through things then since we didn't have kids to worry about. It's sad because most days I just feel like it's a lost cause and that we are living our separate lives and just living in the house together. This may be TMI but our sex life is pretty much gone. I just have no desire to be intimate with him the last few months which just adds to the distance between us.
I want to find a way to reconnect with my husband. I don't know what to do though.
So what you're saying is that he's inappropriate and untrustworthy with other women AND not present in the home. If it weren't for his paycheck, would the only way you'd notice a difference if you left him be that you're no longer angry and resentful?
That's what I thought.
What does he actually bring to the table here? Does he know that he's on thin ice here?
The fact that he has these "friends" that he should not have is going by the wayside.
Scratch what I said about telling him the friend should go:
Open the door and let HIM go.
He's emotionally checked out of the marriage. That's bad news. He's got no business having these female "friends."
Thanks for writing back, what you added helps. It sounds like you are in a very tough position - caring for twins alone and then doing home health care work on the weekend must be incredibly stressful. Does it also make you crave adult conversation, since you don't get much of it? If it were me with thatl little adult time, and my h was checking out at 7 each night, I'd be resentful about that fact alone.
Do you mind answering a few more questions?
Does he really need to be there 12 hours? Tons of unpaid overtime on a salaried position is a red flag for me. Is it possible he's a workaholic and working more than necessary to avoid home? Or that he is having some kind of relationship at work?
I'm also wondering if he's using sleep to avoid or escape his home life. It sounds like he's sleeping a lot.
He says he'll do anything you want. Will he cut back on hours, and postpone the debt repayment, so that you can work things out? And are you willing to have him do that?
When you are working, is he watching the kids?
And finally... Do you really want him home more? I get that you want his help with the chores, but you sound pretty ambivalent about him. How would YOU feel about a night alone with him to reconnect? Is it possible you are just plain not that into him, and realizing it now?
I don't see how you can reconnect with him if you never see him. The only way to fix that is for him to work less. I am trying to understand why him working less is not an option.
Is he unable or unwilling to work less?
Are you unable or unwilling to work more?
If its not about money, then why is he working such crazy hours?
I could have written this exact post 10 years ago.(minus the other women)
I am now remarried for 6 years to an amazing man who is a great stepfather to my 3 kids.
Your marriage is over, once you admit that to yourself and start to move on you will feel 1000 xs better.
He is unable to work less until the summer is over. It is just the nature of the job and the requirement of his boss. It's not about money, it just isn't. He works the hours he does because he has to. I would work more if I could. Right now I am only offered weekend hours for the job I just started. Problem is I have to worry about child care for 19 month old twins which from what I have been quoted is at least $1000.00 a month for a daycare facility that is clean and trustworthy. I do not have the skills or the education to get a job that will make that much money. I do what I can to bring in extra money. I sell baked goods to different people, I tried selling Thirty-One products, but did not have success and now thanks to my aunt (who cares for the same woman I do during the week) I have my weekend job. Since I have only been doing this for 2 weeks, if it turns out to be something that I want to pursue I will go and get certified and hopefully, once my kids are in school or I can find a job that will allow me to pay for childcare and still make some money I will be back to work full time. The situation with my husband's job right now is what it is. Neither of us can change it. He has tried to look for other opportunities and has tried to get his old job back which would allow him every other weekend off and would be 5 minutes from home rather then 45 minutes.
I get your point.
It sucks to be home with the kids and feeling like hubby is doing nothing to help you at home. it can leave you feeling undervalued and seriously resenting him.
your husband does not realize what an idiot he is being by having contact with another womman. "Just friends" usually turns into something else. He needs to know that it bothers you and if he loves you he should stop it. How would he feel if you where "just friends" with another guy? Would he feel rage, insecurity?
also He needs to maybe help you to get the house under control most guys don't realize how difficult it is to be a StayAtHomeMom when many kids are underfoot.
What if you got a sitter for just two hours on a saturday or a day when he is home so the two of you could go for a coffee and truly talk to eachother about what has been stressing you guys out. Maybe that way the two of you could see what needs fixing and be sure that he listens to you and that you listen to him because communication is a two way street. Also it might do you some good to get out of the house child free.
I got to ask are you guys still having intamacy or are u just to ships passing thru? Lack of sex in a relationship is not good. I know it is probally difficult with the kids and everything but what if you found a time in your schedule that was condusive to being alone. Like before he got up for work maybe set the alarm 1/2hr earlier?
Work on your communication skills though before any sex cuz sex with anger is just well bad.
I totally understand the point you are trying to make-- that they are both working hard, but why is it that he's expected to work a 12 hour day and she's expected to work an 18 hour day (or however long it is by the time she finishes all of her "chores")? Everyone needs downtime, including her. No arrangement will be perfectly "fair" but I do believe that he has the responsibility to help with the kids when he gets home from work. Being a SAHM is no easier than working a 12 hour shift-- you never get off of work!
It sounds like you're in a similar position that I'm in. It's not one problem that needs fixing, it's a whole bunch of little things that make you wonder if the marriage is still worth it. The only difference is we haven't had kids yet. But my husband works crazy hours at his job, and it's not about the money. I think he's trying to make principal in his firm by 35. The thing is while he's doing this he's underpaid. I work full time and make more money than he does AND I end up doing all of the housework because he works so much. Add that to the fact that he lashes out with negative humor when he's stressed, I can't get him to take any responsibility for anything at home, he never answers his cell phone, he gets defensive when I try to talk to him about stuff, and a dozen other things that drive me crazy and I'm thinking I should get out before there are kids to worry about.
As I said, your situation is different because of the kids. Think about what your marriage was like before the kids came along. Was it already strained? Then maybe you're right and the two of you are just incompatible, but if it was good before the kids came along, you're probably just reacting to the extra stress in your lives and you'll get back into your old groove if you stick it out. Hope this helps.
I am totally a day late and a dollar short on this but I felt the need to respond because I am also married to a golf course superintendent so I understand how awful the schedule can be on a marriage.
So, I hope you're still checking on this thread.
First of all, he was obviously on this career track when you married him. Did he not explain to you that as you move up it doesn't get better? If anything, depending on the course, the hours may possibly get worse as he gets higher, especially if they are hosting premier events. My DH was a second assistant when we met and he was very clear about what his summer schedule would be like and he was very honest that for our relationship to be successful I needed to accept that it comes with the territory. It requires a certain amount of lifestyle independence (which I know is hard with kids) to be married to someone in this profession. 14-18 hour days are not only mandatory, they are common during peak months and that is just the way it is.
With that said, my husband's schedule slows significantly in the winter, to the point where he is only working 3-4 hours a day, and sometimes not at all. So, we get our quality time during the winter. Even in warm climates, he must have an off-season? How to you adjust things for that?
Also, I do not ask my husband to life a finger on the house during the summer (except to mow the lawn and sometimes, not even that). He works 16 hours days, seven days a week, outside in the heat. I work 8 hours, 5 days a week in an office and then go home. Is it really so much for me to take on an extra hour or two of cleaning every few days? He is much better about repairs and cleaning during the winter, which evens things out.
I occasionally will go to conventions with my husband and I've spoken to the wives of other superintendents and they pretty much echo what I've said in that you just "deal with it." It isn't the right life for everyone so I'm wondering why, knowing what it was like before you married him, you are still unhappy with how it is? Did he promise to get out of the industry? Because, if he didn't, I don't understand how any of this is a surprise.
Feel free to PM me if you want to talk more.
You are lonely & bored. In your shoes -- a SAHM who previously worked full time -- I would be too.
Unfortunately it's making you resent your husband. You're bringing up past sins (talking to these other women & not being truthful about it) to justify your decision to end your marriage.
I don't think you really want to end your marriage. What you want is for your husband to pay attention to you and romance you before he had this demanding job with all the hours & before the kids.
To fix this, you have to find some time to "date". You also need things to keep you busy / occupy your time while he's working. Are you involved in any mom's groups? Can you get somebody to watch the kids one day per week or even every other week so you can volunteer somewhere? You need mental stimulation that you can't get from your young children.
Read a pop psychology book called the Care & Feeding of your Marriage. It talks about appreciation & changing your own attitude. It's no more the answer to all your problems then books like The Rules or The Secret hold all the answers to your dating issues. However, it may give you something to think about.
Ending your marriage to your children's father because he works too much doesn't seem like a great idea. Remember those vows --for better or WORSE, in good times and in BAD? It sucks that life isn't perfect now but don't give up just yet.