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past issuse really affecting sex life...
VERY long short short:
when I was 17 my (now) husband and I were living together (he was 19). we had been dating on and off for the past 2 years prior. one night while I was laying on the couch napping, I woke up with his hands up my shorts touching me. it made me very uncomfortable and I felt violated. it happened more than once. I told him to stop and his excuse was "I cant help it..." after those three times, id didn't happen again. I tried to forget about it, I assumed that he had forgotten about it. but for the pas few years I feel like my sex drive has been greatly affected my it. now, 6 years later, married with a baby girl, it has become a larger issue. he hounds me for sex constantly and after I had the baby, what little sex drive I had, went away. now I do it because I have to about every 2 weeks. anyway, last night he was whining about our sex life and I turned off the tv and told him that the reason why ive been so guarded all these years is because of what he did. he pretty much said, "well its not like I can change what I did, what do you want me to do about it?" and he said "so youre blaming me for our nonexistent sex life?!" that was the end of our communication for the night. he didn't talk to me today while he was at work, and when he came home at 3pm he didn't come greet me or the baby, he went to the guest room and took a 4 hour nap... (thanks for the help) its now been more than 24 hours and we still haven't spoken. I am furious at his reaction. I feel like I really opened up to him and was very vulnerable, and he totally told me to F off. I feel like hes mad because I wasn't ok with what he did. and yea, I know what youre thinking, if it bothered you, why did you stay with him and marry him? answer is that I had a lot invested into our relationship at the time, and I was hoping that I could brush it off. and by the time I realized that I wasn't going to be able to just let it go, we were married and now I have A LOT invested on this relationship and I don't want to let it go. yes, im seeing a therapist, trying to work these issues out, its not quite working just yet.
my question is, should I really be so sensitive about what happened a few years ago? why cant I just forget about this? what do I do about the way he reacted?
Re: past issuse really affecting sex life...
when I was 17 my (now) husband and I were living together (he was 19). we had been dating on and off for the past 2 years prior. one night while I was lying on the couch napping, I woke up with his hands up my shorts touching me. it made me very uncomfortable and I felt violated. it happened more than once. I told him to stop and his excuse was "I cant help it..."
When he did that and you said it made you uncomfortable and he said "I can't help it" THAT is when you should have said goodbye to him right there.
A man who is decent and cares about you will respect your wishes.
And btw, 17 is way too young to be living with somebody. Why in the world were you living with this jerk?
after those three times, id didn't happen again. I tried to forget about it, I assumed that he had forgotten about it. but for the pas few years I feel like my sex drive has been greatly affected my it. now, 6 years later, married with a baby girl, it has become a larger issue. he hounds me for sex constantly and after I had the baby, what little sex drive I had, went away.
What does he think you are? A blow up doll or a sex machine???
Counseling immediately! He just can't demand sex and expect you to put out!
Now I do it because I have to about every 2 weeks.
This is already an area of consternation and a rift between the 2 of you.
What I'd like to know is why you aren't highly alarmed at his viewpoint of what marital sex is! What do you mean, you do it because you have to?You and he are married and you have a child. He also has to understand that he just can't demand sex; I said this earlier on.
I can suggest counseling but I don't think it's going to be of any avail. He's woefully immature and he can't get it that you are not always in the mood and you won't always be in the mood.
What a jerk. I'd be rethinking him,. if I were you.
You are not too sensitive. You can't forget about it because it was scary and wrong, and on some level you are reminded of it every time he touches you.
Best case scenario would be that he now, with the benefit of age, realizes how wrong that was and is able to make a meaningful apology to you. Then you can slowly rebuild some trust and physical connection.
Worst case scenario would be that he gets defensive, tries to turn it around on you, freezes you out, then within a month goes back to expecting everything to continue as normal.
The ball is in his court now. But please don't think you are too sensitive or need to get over it.
I agree with this. Under other circumstances I would be a more harsh but b/c of the age I would like to believe he realized that it was not okay and stopped after you told him.
The issue I have is that you brushed it under the rug and didn't really talk about it. I suppose that is typical for your ages at the time, but as you now see not healthy. I would suggest counseling for you to work through your feelings of betrayal. Include him after a few sessions so that you can communicate without a fight, learn to communicate.
You were abused and I don't think you can "fix it" alone. As a kid their was a time I was abused by a boy on our street, I never told anyone b/c it was "just" touching (thats how I thought about it). I didn't realize the impact until I started dating DH and his touch reminded me of what happened. It must be far worse when the person who caused those feeling is the one your married to and suppose to trust. My point is, it wasn't until I talked about it and sought help that things improved and I was able to move forward. You might not be able to forgive or trust him again, but you should go through the process for yourself and daughter. If you don't want to stay with him (that's okay too) you will have the emotional support you need.
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No, I can see very well how you would feel violated and sexually unsafe with him, and also how a combination of societal messages and the fact that the two of you were already in a relationship would make things feel murky enough that you might stay with him.
I don't think you're too sensitive. In fact, I think that the fact that he doesn't get why what he did was wrong, and his response to it was wrong, means that while he's not doing this any more, it's not an over and done issue. He still on some level thinks he's kind of entitled to your body, sexually, and instinctively you react to this very real unsafe situation by not wanting to have sex with him.
Therapy is great, but this isn't something for you to "get over" per se, not if getting over it means ignoring the very real protective instinct that's shutting you down now in a bad situation. You don't need to get over something and feel safe when you aren't - you need to BE safe, which means that he is the one who needs to "get over" the idea that being in a relationship with a woman means that her body and sexuality are his to use for his own gratification.
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Well, no matter how you try to rationalize this, it won't work. You feel the way you feel because that is how your brain reacts to things. I would say that it was insensitive on his part to behave that way after he realized you were NOT fine with it. He should have apologized (but he probably did not).
You will need to sit him down and tell him how it is all affecting you and more importantly, you need to tell him how he can make you feel better. Men sometimes come with no sense of emotional direction and need to be guided. Explain how its all affecting your marriage and how you really want to work on this and that you are not playing blame games for a "nonexistent sex life"
So...you married a guy who essentially sexually assaulted you. And now you have a baby.
Smart.
I do sort of agree with his statement that he can't change what he did years ago, so what exactly do you want him to do about it now... That's 100% true.
Obviously it wasn't a big enough issue for you to break up over. And obviously it wasn't a big enough issue for you to not marry him, or not have a child with him. So now it's a big issue that's affecting your sex life? But for the past few years it hasn't been?
Don't get me wrong...I think what he did was creepy and not ok. But your logical reasoning is failing miserably, and I can't blame him for being confused.