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Bad Anniversary...(very long)
This is the first time I have posted on here, and I really don't know what advice I am looking for, but I feel the need to vent.
Yesterday was me and my husband's first anniversary, which should be an exciting moment! We work out of town, and unfortunately worked all day but I tried planning some things ahead of time to make the night special. One of the first dates he ever asked me to go on was to a Swing Dancing convention. We had so much fun and it was totally how he won my heart. Since there is nothing like that in the town where we work, I thought I would try to relive that date in a way and bought a Swing Dancing instructional DVD for us to try and of course we brought our frozen cake topper with us.
Well, when we got home from work, I broke out the DVD and asked the hubby what he thought and his response was "That is weird," and made a face. This hurt my feelings terribly and made me feel stupid for thinking that he would enjoy my surprise. I expressed to him my thoughts behind purchasing the DVD but he wouldn't budge with his opinion. He then took a shower and went straight to bed, where he napped until I was done making dinner.
When I woke him for dinner, he told me he wasn't sure he even wanted to eat, which was just another slap in the face, because I had been talking about the meal I was going to make for days! So, I put his plate back on the counter and ate mine by myself in the living room. About 15 minutes later he came out of the bedroom and said, "Well, after 1 year I have learned that I am not entitled to my opinions, but other than that it wasn't too bad." Which I had no response to, and then he got upset when he realized that I was eating without him. I explained that I was confused about where I stood with him tonight and thought it would be best for me to leave him be, and reminded him that he told me he did not want to eat anyway. He denied saying he didn't want to eat then took his plate and went back to the bedroom.
After picking up the dinner mess, I got ready for bed and awkwardly climbed into bed beside him. I didn't really know what to say, so I just quietly watched TV with him until he looked like he had fallen asleep. With no words said, no resolution to our problem, I rolled over and went to sleep as well.
This morning when the first alarm went off, he rolled over and put his arm around me and I thought maybe our feud was over but when he came home later to take me to work it was just awkward silence again. I know I could have tried to break the silence myself, it isn't a one way street, but I just don't know what to say! Maybe he feels the same, I'm not sure. I just don't know what to do, this was definitely not the way I had expected our very first celebration to go.
Re: Bad Anniversary...(very long)
I..I honestly don't know what he was thinking. Maybe he wasn't hungry at that moment is all I can come up with. Did he have a horrible day at work?
I hope you have time to have a real conversation about what happened.
Does he ever act like this, or is this a while different side to him?
Try talking to him. It sounds like maybe he was upset about something. Did he do/give you anything for the anniversary?
Was everything ok with you two leading up to your anniversary?
Hope you guys can talk it out and maybe have a better celebration redo tomorrow.
Keep us updated!!
he is entitled to his opinion, however, He sorely lacks in the romance dept.
I think what you did was a great idea. I also think he is a jerk for belittling your idea and making you feel so bad. YOu don't mention any thing about what he did for you so I am thinking he did squat.
He acted like a complete jerk
I think you're both pretty bad at communication. He said some very insensitive things, which sucks. You made some assumptions, which also sucks. Neither of you has said anything to the other about why you're both upset, which really sucks.
"When I woke him for dinner, he told me he wasn't sure he even wanted to eat ... So, I put his plate back on the counter and ate mine by myself in the living room."
You can't control how he responds, but you can control how you respond. He said that he wasn't sure he wanted to eat. You could have asked how likely it would be that he wanted to eat later or if it was okay if you went ahead. I'm not saying that he wasn't being a completely insensitive ?ss, but communication goes both ways. I say this, because I would have responded to my XH in exactly the same way you did and would have thought that I was totally justified. But I was just acting hurt and retaliatory. Unfortunately, XH and I never found a clear and safe way to get to the root of why we were upset, and we ended up destroying the trust in our marriage altogether.
And I agree with PPs that it sounds like he was already upset about something else before any of this happened. I would strongly recommend developing a way for you both to address that situation. With my current SO, I understand that when I'm upset about something else, I'm more likely to snap at him or be grumpy. We talked about this and came to an agreement. I don't always want to talk about it (sometimes I just need some time and space), so I promise to tell him I'm upset about something else like work, and he promises not to push me to talk about it if I don't want to. We have similar agreements for when he's upset.
At the root, it really just comes down to trust and unselfishness. Sure, my mood might screw up his plans or vice versa, but we have to compromise. And we have to be able to trust each other when we say that it's something else upsetting us. This pretty much means that we have to acknowledge it when something we do does upset the other. It's not always fun or easy to objectively say, "That bothers me, and how can we address it?" but I find that it's important for building that trust.
I just want to give you a hug! It sucks when we look forward to stuff like this and it does not go the way we hoped. Almost every major event of our married life has been affected by some type of negativity from our honeymoon to our anniversary. (especially my honeymoon)
I had a great time don't get me wrong but there was a lot of unmet expectations that left me feeling disappointed. Something that I can tell you is that, it can get better. We are rookies at this whole thing, our hubbies and us. Some struggle more than others in certain departments...be very careful not to compare your marriage to others. But, it's not easy but so worth it to move forward from this moment.
First thing, is get your heart right, decide whether you will forgive him, even without him saying sorry (it's tough as hell, but there are great rewards, trust me). Once you get your heart and mind in order, talk to him about it. This way you don't go in with accusations. He has his reasons why he acted that way, it doesn't make it right or wrong. At the end of the day, it hurt your feelings and that is what you will need to communicate to him.
I would also find out what he wanted from your anniversary. He probably has his own idea of how he wanted it to unfold.
All I can say is, press forward in forgiveness, patience and love the heck out of your husband as you communicate to him how everything made you feel. The 'Honey' approach is so much more effective than a conversation full of accusations. Again, not easy, but there is a silver lining.
Ida Newly Married??? Sister, let's relate!