Married Life
Dear Community,
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Am I suppose to be this unhappy as a newlywed?
I've never been one to write in blogs but this way I am faceless and the community is probably going through similar and can offer advice (saves me from airing my marital problems to friends). August 10th will be 5 months since I've been married. Pre-wedding was good, not much stress because we were so focused on each other and not the wedding. Wedding day :-) had great fun and honeymoon was awesome. Got home and still had some time away from work, things were still floaty. When i returned to work, on day 3 he just blew up on me, because I didn't have sex with him for 3 days. i tried to explain that getting back into the work routine made me tired and that the honeymoon couldn't continue into the married life. Anyways after a while i just had sex with him not to have a repeat of that. We have had a long distance relationship for most of our relationship, now that we are living face to face Im not sure who he is. He was always gentle and understanding. Now and then he blows up on me, "I'm too controlling", "I want things my way". He moved into my apartment, so there was some adjusting to how he did things. Sometimes I would tell him what bothers me and ask him to do the same so we can learn to live together. These days if I feel like I'm going to say something that is corrective I dont bother. I feel like I am loosing myself. I cry in bed when he's sleeping sometimes, wondering if it is suppose to be this hard. I haven't stated everything here but my question is for those who have been married longer than I have....does it get better? Is what I'm going through all a part of it? I feel so tired already and we haven't been married for 1/2 a year.
Re: Am I suppose to be this unhappy as a newlywed?
This.
It couldn't hurt to do some counseling sessions, but I wouldn't be surprised if this is the real him, and that other guy was an act to get you to marry him. Not sure how long your face to face visits were while you were dating, but they were short enough that he was able to keep up the farce. People an be very good at keeping up a charade until it suits their purposes to drop it.
My husband and I had premarital counseling and some of the sex questions in our work book made me uncomfortable as far as discussing them with the counselor, but now they make perfect sense. Some of the questions were regarding how often each partner desired sex, and how would the partner feel and react if the other partner wasn't up to sex either emotionally or physically (ill or having period, etc). Of course there is the chance that had you two discussed desired these topics that he would have lied to make himself seem normal and considerate.
It seems that perhaps you are sexually "normal" meaning you go through periods of time where you aren't up to it, and want it a normal frequency, whereas he is some kind of aggressive a-hole who feels he is entitled to sex on an extremely frequent basis. 3 days and he is already flipping out? wow. That would not be acceptable to me, and you shouldn't have to perform on demand just to keep him quiet. It especially shocks me that he is happy for you to have sex with him when you clearly don't want to.
I'm so sorry, but it seems you married a real a-hole who is finally showing his true colors
I think you've hit the 'nail on the head', as it were. Did you guys live in the same city before getting married? I'm assuming you didn't. LDRs are an artificial situation. You don't get to know someone until you see their mundane habits. The day-to-day stuff. How they are when work is stressful, when their family gets sick, when they haven't gotten much sleep, when they get a bonus at work, etc. The general rule I've heard is to date for at least a year so you see your future partner through all the typical annual events. I don't think dating in different cities and seeing each other in short bursts can give you the info you need to know if you're compatible. I don't even believe you can determine that without living together and sleeping together before marriage, but I know the religious types disagree.
This situation isn't normal, or OK. Get into therapy ASAP and start figuring out who your husband really is. Then decide if you want to be married to him.
Umm... You DO realize that it is possible to address a lot of this through a long-distance relationship, right? Just because you're in an LDR doesn't mean not having sex, never seeing the other person in their natural habitat, etc? I've been living 5000 miles from my SO for a year and a half, and I know much more about him than I did about my XH who lived with me before we got married. It's about open communication, not just physical presence. Of course it's easier when you're in the same place, but to say an LDR will end up like this is silly.
OP, this is not normal, LDR or otherwise. Your H should respect and listen to you, and you should trust each other. Counseling is definitely a good idea.
How old is your husband and what grade in middle school is he in?
The first thing I see here that's horrifically wrong is communication. And vast immaturity, on his part!
He also doesn't get it that one's partner may not always be in the mood to have sex.
This is bad news.
I strongly urge the 2 of you to see a counselor; a counselor can coach the 2 of you so that you communicate better but I can't see how a counselor can get your husband to grow up in a hurry.
If I were you, I'd tell your H that you and he will be going to a counselor to learn communication skills -- and make it clear that the continuity of your marriage is contingent upon his attending counseling with you. And no ifs no ands and no buts.
If he refuses to go, very bad indeed. It takes 2 to work on things and it takes 2 to communicate.
The 2 of you needed to be on key with your communication before you were married; the horse is out of the barn on that one --- indeed get yourselves to a counselor ASAP.
He also needs anger management counseling. He just can't stand there and blow up on you because he didn't get his way or because you did not immediately agree to something he wants.
And anger management is warranted; blew up on you because you didn't want to have sex? I sure see a red flag there; I am not saying it can happen but I would not want to see his blow ups turn into something physical.
If you are religious, speak to your clergyperson -- make the talk with him or her separate from seeing a counselor of the secular nature.
Wishing you luck. Let us know how you make out.
Nope. Not normal at all.
Honestly, HE sounds like a controller.
I would take get some individual therapy, and do some research to see if he seems like this:
http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2013/02/20/signs-of-emotional-abuse/
(if he is, RUN. I did the supposedly "hard" thing, leaving, but it turned out to be far and away the best thing! I can't describe how wonderful it was! This type of person will NOT get better with counseling.)
Bear this in mind:
Anybody will tell you that it's normal to not be in the mood to have sex --- or that you may not be in the mood due to whatever factor (you're too tired, you're not feeling up to it, you just don't feel like it, etc).
Suppose you weren't able to have sex for other reasons, and reasons a lot more serious: you are physically unable to, you are pregnant and your doc has told you to avoid sex, you no longer are able to have intercourse.
What would he do then? He's being this unreasonable and out of line now, what would he do then?
I would make counseling a MUST, as I said -- and as I said, if he refuses to go or thinks counseling isn't necessary, rethink this guy in a hurry. His problem will not get better with time; it will worsen and he needs to see a marriage counselor and get anger management consultation.
As I said also, he's vastly immature. No counselor anywhere is going to magically get him to grow up. That is two problems you have.
And you have a third problem:
You are having intercourse with him to appease him!
Not healthy and not normal. Sex is supposed to be mutually pleasurable and BOTH parties have to be up to performing with NO pressure.
Counseling stat -- and if he refuses, rethink him. If he refuses to go, see an attorney and get this marriage annulled. His behavior isn't normal.
No, not normal.
It's normal to have disagreements, especially when you first move in together. But in a healthy relationship, you work through those problems as they come up, and your relationship gradually gets stronger.
In an unhealthy relationship, those disagreements aren't resolved. The tension builds... Until it bursts. You feel like your relationship is getting weaker over time.
I don't care how new school and cool it is: I think LDRs suck.
Reason being:
You need face to face time and lots of it, for your relationship to develop -- you need to see what this person is like in an up close aand personal relationship:
How does he handle stress
How does he treat you on a day to day basis
What is he like in a crisis?
How good are his communication skills -- not just with you, with others
How he treats other people: this is anybody from his family to a *lowly* waiter or waitress
Has he got social skills that are good, effective and normal?
What are his friends like? Do you like them? Are they good people or are they jerks? How do they treat you?
What is his family like? How does he treat them and how do they treat you?
Can you stand him on a day to day basis and vice versa? (You or he may be a slob, a neatnik, an early birdl/night owl, etc and you may not like it at all that he's a slob or a neatnick or an early riser or night owl, etc)
Are you sexually compatible???
That's just to name a few.
If you weren't sexually active before you were married, that's a big clue to what is going on. If you saw what he was like in a normal relationship that was not long distance and he pulled this crap on you, you could have been out of there in a big hurry and snuffed him as a boyfriend.
I am serious: I said that you make counseling as a couple mandatory -- and if he refuses to go or makes excuses not to, rethink him fast.
He needs anger management therapy, too: make that a must and if he refuses, rethink him.
You were married in June. If the situation worsens, don't think twice about getting out of there --- get the marriage annulled.