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advice - another long one :)
Hi all,
I've been a lurker, first on the knot and now I've been married for almost four years.
When I first got married, I remember how my cousin told me that she knew we were going to get married from the way he looked at me in terms of that she could just see how much he loved me and I could feel that he loved me. When we first met, I was dating someone else and he was dating someone else, and he said he wished he was dating me.
When we were dating and got engaged, we liked to go out and have a good time. I am 34 and he is 36 and while I still like to go out once a week, if he could, he would go out every night.
But I feel that when we got married, he would only want to go out occasionally and that it has grown over the four years. I work on Sundays so it started when we got married that I would resent his going out on Sunday Fundays and be drunk and I would come home. But even drunk, he would make me dinner and buy me flowers and I could tell he still loved me. Even with that small effort, I started to resent that he was out when I had to work and then wasn't attracted to him and wouldn't want to be intimate with him when he had drank.
Over the past four years, it has just grown where he wants to go out more and more and watch sports and go to music concerts and I am an after thought. We've never wanted to have kids but he said if I changed my mind, that he would leave right away because he doesn't want kids.
I guess it's hard to leave him because he is good friends with all of my friends and I love his family.
I also don't want to give up but how can his feelings change in four years? Is it my fault for withholding sex when he had drank or we had gone out together and got too drunk to have sex?
I only wanted to get married once in my lifetime and it's really hard for me to give up. As far as couseling, he will absolutely not go and I've tried. My therapist thinks that we should separate and figure things out but I can't afford to do that either.
It's so hard to give up
Thanks for reading this - I appreciate any insight you have.
Re: advice - another long one :)
How often is he intoxicated?
From your description, it sounds like it's happening a lot.
What you need to do --- since he has a drinking problem (and any drinking is a problem if it makes you uncomfortable, if being drunk happens too often or the drinking causes arguments, for example):
Tell him he needs to get help for his problem -- this means AA and a sponsor and/or a drug and alcohol counselor -- or it is over.
AND that he needs to make his choice right now.
If he does NOT go to the web and find a local AA meeting and go immediately, you know where you stand. Be prepared to stand behind your words.
A drinking problem that gets no aid from the proper *authorities* (AA and or a drug and alcohol counselor) is a dealbreaker.
Don't throw your life away on a dealbreaker.
How come your counselor didn't mention "your H needs AA"? Sounds like your counselor is worth nothing much.
Go to AlAnon. You need their support --- and do not be an enabler.
Look on the web; you'll find a meeting hear you. GL.
well, if he isn't going to go for counseling there really isn't much to say. it takes two people for a marriage to work and he isn't trying. He sounds like a frat boy.
He is drinking way to much and it is way too important to him.
Tell him counseling or your gone, and then leave.
Hello--
I am SO sorry to hear that you feel things have come to such an impasse that you feel you may need to leave your husband. I can't imagine how wrenching that is and I wish you the best.
I hope you don't take my thoughts the wrong way, but I'd like to play devil's advocate a little bit. One thing that really struck me about your letter is I got the impression that, it isn't so much your husband's drinking that bothers you, but you are resentful that you work on Sundays while he goes out and has fun. If that is the case, it isn't fair for you to be upset with him if he hangs out with friends or whatever when you are at work anyway. Especially since it sounds like he makes it a point to be home by the time you are off work.
It sounds like, in a nutshell, the two of you have different preferences for social time. This sounds like something that can be worked out with compromise and communication, from both of you. It is a big bummer that he won't agree to counseling, because it sounds like even just a few sessions would be helpful. I'm glad you are seeing a counselor on your own.
Of course, if I am misconstruing things and you do think he is/might be an alcoholic...ie, not just having a few beers, but getting sloshing drunk on a regular basis...then definitely follow the advice of the other posters.
wait, what? You want to divorce because he drinks on Sundays, you have to work on Sundays and you think that he should spend Sundays sitting at home cooking, sober and waiting for you to get home?
Have you considered getting a puppy instead? They're not great at cooking, granted, but fantastic at sitting home and politely waiting for you by the door!
You're in your 30's. You don't have kids, so why are you staying at home every night? What's so horrible about going to concerts and to watch sports? Go with him! Or he goes with friends!
And you can't tell if someone loves you unless they make you dinner and buy you flowers? Huh?
I think I must be missing something.
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
http://notesfortheirtherapist.blogspot.co.uk
How do you know his feelings have changed? Has he told you this, or are you assuming it based on the fact that he doesn't buy you flowers, etc. anymore?
The drinking could be a problem, or it could be nothing. I guess I wonder why it is a problem that he drinks on Sundays. Is Sunday evening the main time you have together, and he's blowing it by already being drunk when you get home? Is he supposed to be doing chores or something Sunday, and not following through?
Or is Sunday the day he hangs out and drinks, and it's annoying to you, but the other 6 days of the week you have a sober, responsible husband who pulls his weight?
Because a counselor isn't going to diagnose or recommend treatment for someone who isn't her client.
The OP is the client. The counselor treats her, not the DH.
And if the counselor truly thinks DH has a drinking problem the LAST thing she would do is tell the OP she needs to dump him, get DH into AA, etc. That would just feed the codependent beast! It's not OP's job to manage DH's recovery, and if even if she tried it probably wouldn't work well. He goes when he is ready. She walks if she doesn't like they way he is living.
One small missed thing: are you "witholding" sex(i.e would have sex with him but aren't to punish him) or do you just not want to have sex with him while he's sloshed because it turns you off? There is a big difference. If it's the second, don't feel guilty, as you're allowed your turnoffs, kinda like he probably would not want to have sex if you were method acting as Jack Nicholson, right? Being drunk makes you act like someone else, and if it's gross, well, there is a parallel there...
However, witholding sex specifically to punish someone is not very nice at all.
Having someone go out without you all the time is frustrating. I know, I'm a homebody who used to have jealousy problems. But putting unfair limits on someone's life is, well, unfair. Homebody as I am, if someone tried to limit my life for no reason I would just not listen.
Do you have couple time together? Special time? Time where you make it clear how important the both of you are to each other?
Honestly, it sounds, from your post, which is obviously limited, that the main problems are a mismatch in preferences for going out and maybe a drinking problem. If it's just the first, well, does it have to break up your marriage?
This exactly. He's not 19 anymore. Time to stop acting like a frat boy.
Surely you must have family you can stay with while you separate...
Thank you all,
I could be resenting Sundays, hard to say
We went out to dinner with my parents and my mom went on a rampage yelling at him and asking him to be a better husband and transfer me as the beneficiary instead of his dad
That was an exciting dinner conversation, husband walked out of restaurant.
My mom is just trying to protect me (shouldnt he have made me beneficiary when we got married 4 years ago?)
OK that clears things right up!
I wouldn't "romance" someone who stood by and let her mom treat me like that, much less defended her! How does she know the details of HIS life insurance policy anyway?
Drinking on Sundays is not your biggest problem.
I don't know what advice to give, but it would definitely start with you apologizing to him and agreeing to stop seeing your mom for a while.