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The Ex's Family?!
Send me your thoughts (please!):
My husband dated a girl in high school and broke up before college. They stayed friends during college. During that time and after he graduated, my husband states he still had feelings for her. After he met me and we decided to date, me he decided his feelings for me were stronger than any that he had for her.
I expressed to him my insecurity about him continuing a friendship with her. Anyhow, it is the family that is continuing to drive me nuts!
They send cards on holidays/his birthday solely addressed to him with cutesy, sentimental writings. They often sign "Love, your Second Family." They send pictures of their family, the grandkids, the ex-gf and her then-husband.
But! The ex-gf's mother called my husband in tears as she found out that her daughter (the ex-gf) is getting a divorce. She invited my husband over to have him help console them and offer advice. He went over and saw them, he knows I'm not happy about it!
I have explained to my husband that I think this relationship is weird, unhealthy, and not worthy of a place in our marriage.
Re: The Ex's Family?!
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Deets:
They dated for 7 months.
Broken up for 7 years before he met me.
We've known each other 6 years, married 3 years.
Thanks for the info.
O.k....
So, 7 YEARS after dating this girl for 7 MONTHS, he meets you and that is when he basically decides/figures out he's over her and ready to move on?
I'll be honest- that's the weirdest part of all this.
As for the family.... It is possible that he's created a genuine relationship w/ these people that is entirely outside of the scope of the 'ex'. But still - to call themselves his "2nd family"?
They sound REALLY needy.
But still- have you really talked to him about how this relationship w/ her family developed and why it is what it is? Beyond the "this is your ex's family!". Have you tried to understand it?
I ask only because DH and I are close to a good friend of ours family (I know that's poorly written...). We've known our friend for 20 years and over those years, we've gotten to know his entire family pretty well.
My only point- it's not unheard of to create close ties w/ people that aren't really your family and the connection seems odd - but that doesn't mean the relationship isn't real.
Plus - the gf has clearly moved on, AND the mom is upset about her divorcing. It doesn't sound like there is any "we wish you were still together" feelings going on (God - almost 14 years after the fact?! I'd hope not!).
But still. Something does seem off about this. My suggestion, for now, is to try and talk to him about this a little deeper, try to get a better understanding of it. What is it that he gets out of this relationship?
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
During the 7 years they were apart, how close were they? Was he still seeing her family, was he "best friends" with her, how often did they talk?
Was he maintaining feelings for her when she was married? Did she know? How often did they talk when she was married?
And most important - how did she act when he went over there? Was she embarrassed that her insane family dredged up her high school ex in a pathetic attempt to get them back together? Or did it see perfectly natural to both of them that he be the one she turns to?
Sorry for the detailed questions but I see a few possibilities here and want to narrow it down.
After a seven month long relationship that started in high school and ended 13 years ago this family still considers him part of their family? This would concern me.
How does he respond when you voice your concerns?
He also needs to end contact with this woman.
I will bet you he still has feelings for her. There would have been no way I'd have gotten involved with somebody where a shadow of an ex was still lurking.
Is there any reason not to trust him? Otherwise, I don't really see why you're so bent out of shape. It's possible that he really does have a close connection to their family. Did he know them and spend time with them before or after the few months they dated?
I was with my XH for about 8 years, which is admittedly a lot longer, but my XILs live in India, so I didn't see them all the time. However, they are a very warm and open family, and parts of my own family are not very supportive. I love my XH's family, and they regularly still send me holiday greetings, signed with "Love" and I do the same. When XH and I split up (amicably), I was so sad to think they wouldn't be part of my life any longer, so I was relieved to find that they wanted to keep in touch as well.
I have explained all this to my current SO, and I expect him to understand where I'm coming from. I'm happy to get to know his family too, and there is no reason for him to be jealous. These people were a part of my life, and we get along well. The fact that they happen to be related to someone I was married to doesn't make them any different in my eyes to the family of my childhood best friend (who truly are my "second family").
I have a similar situation.
I was in a relationship with my ex for around 10 months. We had an amiable breakup and still talk(My husband isn't jealous because I was in a situation where I technically could have gone out with the ex but was going out with him instead).
While the ex and I were dating his family basically took me in, I half lived with them, and they were warm, supportive, and kind during a bad time for me. We really cared about each other. They all came to my wedding.
We still talk. They don't do things like send cutesy cards(aren't you only supposed to address cards to him on his birthday?) or call themselves my second family, and it's not that often. But we still have a warm relationship. I sent his brother a present for his birthday.
They aren't my ILs, of course, who are family family, but they are a different kind of family.
Honestly, I don't know why you dated a guy who hangs on to his past this much, let alone married him. Seven months, and he was still pining over her seven years later, and still hangs onto her family like that - this guy is a nutter. Ugh.
Judging by your name, you're a Pittsburgher. I'm here, too, and I know some FABULOUS guys who aren't rigodsdamndiculous like this. Want to meet my friend J? He's single, has a good job, and isn't a whiny nutbag like your husband.