Married Life
ashmichmil
member
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Thinking of a separation.
in Married Life
I'm to the point right now that i ask my self everyday why I married my H. We are only 3 months married. But here lately , we've been arguing like crazy. He's in this selfish mood or mode. Everything has to e on his time , we have to always watch what he wants, and date nights are what he wants. When I do bring up some things I would like to do he doesn't like it, or he doesn't want to try new things. And I know its a give and take but I'm really not lying when I say we do what he wants to do when he wants to it all the time. He'll even sit and watch tv or a movie, and i'll be cleaning like crazy doesn't even ask to help, and it's usually his mess. I'm cleaning for two people!!! I know right now I'm not working any job and he works full time. I don't mind doing for now but I'm starting college this fall in 3 weeks, and ill be full time fro my bachelor's and this semester will be a semester from hell. All I can think about is that ill have to do all of what i've been doing and more. I mean he seriously does nothing around the house at all!!! When I talk to him about it, when I talk to him at all he gets defensive and mean. I don't know what to do anymore....
Re: Thinking of a separation.
We're you living together before you were married? Was he working and you at home/in school before you were married?
I'm trying to figure out if its a recent change in behavior, around the time you were married, or if this is just the first time the two of you have been in this particular situation and you've gotten to see this side of him.
Is he open to counseling?
It sounds like he needs a serious Come To Jesus talk. You need to decide how serious you are about a separation, and if you decide you are serious about it then lay it all out there. Let him know what needs to change and what will happen if it doesn't. This will only work if you're serious, though, and willing to follow through if he doesn't.
I don't know how old the 2 of you are but if you are very late teens or even early 20s or a tad younger, why didn't the 2 of you WAIT until both of you had your degrees, along with having a couple of good full time jobs???
Lots of this is immaturity on his part and lots of this is adjustment issues.
I strongly suggest you sit down with him and tell it like it is --- tell him what you told us. He's got to lighten up and start pulling his load --- if this is a case where his parents did everything for him, you have a hell of a hurdle ahead.
I don't know how you're going to turn him into somebody who picks up after himself, cleans when he should, pulls his load around the house and in short, be a full grown mature male and not a middleschooler.
He's holding the lamp while you chop the wood?
Tell him to get his tail off that couch and come help you clean up HIS mess!
BTW, did you get THIS problem settled???
Ok before we start I would like to say that I am probably going to be very biased and come off as a total witch. I don't mean to be this way but there is so much malice now from all the stuff that has happened. I'm 21 I've been with my H for 3 and 1/2 years and married for little over a month. When I first met my H I knew nothing about his family even when we started going out I didn't meet them until one day at church when she walked up to me and introduced herself. She was very friendly up until about the time my H asked me to marry him. Then she felt the need to ask him to do every little chore around the house and asked him to visit alot more. You have to know my MIL she is not blunt but very sly in what she says so people can not read into the undertone of what she means. When we started planning the wedding I picked a caterer they did not like at all and it was his family's side that did not like them because of a fall out but It was cheap and people said they had good food. She kept telling me to get some other catering service and started getting really adamant about it. Please take note she was not paying for any of the wedding or reception. She only had the rehearsal dinner to do but I didn't really care about that. So it got to the point one day that we were at Mc Donald's with his family and my grandmother called because we might have changed the caterer possibly. I wanted to tell my H but I didnt until i thought everybody was talking and wouldn't hear well my MIL did and she got about a few inches away from my face and put me out of my comfortzone and told me about why I shouldnt pick the one caterer. I remember kicking my H under the table because I was so upset she was in my face. The rest of the time while we were there I was silent and mad so she decided to throw a waded up napkin at me and ask what was wrong. That was the breaking point for me when we got in the car to leave to go home I cried so hard. Finally my mom wrote a message to her on facebook telling her to contact them if she had a problem with the wedding. I know she does not like me at all its plain to see how she is with the other IL she has. Speed up to present day we have now been married for little over a month and she has decided to text and call my H and I continously through out the week. She was never like that until after the wedding. She then decides to send a picture to us saying " helll hath no fury like a mother whose call goes unanswered." thing is if she wouldn't call at the butt crack of dawn then we might pick up. My H is starting to get fed up with it to, but he is to much of a momma's boy to say anything. And I'm not one for conflict, so I just shut it and stew. my H doesn't understand why I do not want to stay long with his family anymore , but I don't know what to say other than I phsyically make myself sick because of how my MIL and My H's Sister's Husband is.
I need help trying to figure out a solution cause I'm starting to have issues again....
Thankyou
If you have any other questions about any other times let me know . I didn't want it to be a huge novel of stuff that's happened.
You very clearly married somebody way too immature to be a husband.
Nowhere in that post do I see yoru H standing up for you and I believe I told you back then that this waas a lost cause if he cannot have yoru back.
BTW, why are you living wth a grandmother?
It is NEVER a good idea to live with anybody -- and if she needs full time care, she's better off with a companion that lives in or in assisted living.
How old is she anyway? I am guessing maybe early 60s and man, that's still old enough to be active and independent and getting out there and doing. I will bet you live with her because you cannot afford to live on your own....
Which again proves that if you and he are not self sufficient, you DO NOT get married until you are.
Try couples counseling first. You need to be able to sit down and have a discussion, and sometimes it takes a neutral third party to mediate.
If you make a valid effort, and it doesn't help, then maybe separation is the best option. But sometimes people don't realize how their actions affect others and can benefit from a better understanding. But sometimes they're just selfish asses. It's worth finding out though!
Marriage is not easy, and both husbands and wives are not perfect. Depending on what you believe about separation and divorce, you have to do what you believe is best.
Those vows are for real. Better and worse. So you both need to make a decision together, in a loving and kind communicative way. No matter what you decide, being bitter and full of anger is not what's best for you.
I've heard of a lot of couples coming through some tough stuff, and they we're young like you so there is hope, but you both need to be on the same page. If you are not, you need to resolve to be true to yourself and be the best person you can be to move forward.It's not easy, but it is possible to move forward in to something better, and to grow from these issues.
Newly Married??? Sister, let's relate!
Is this a recent change in your husband or was he like this before marriage? I'm assuming that this is the kind of person that he has always been, so in an ideal world you would not have married him if this is so bad. But, what's done is done and you both vowed for better or for worse. I won't say that there aren't any valid reasons for divorce, but at only 3 months into the marriage and feeling frustration over behavior that he probably has always displayed, it just seems like divorce might not be the first thing you should go to, (although, like I said it does sound like you two should have never married.)
Sit him down and be honest with him. Tell him you are considering separation because you are so unhappy and being married to him is not at all what you envisioned. You two will definitely want to seek counseling together because it sounds like there are a lot of issues there.