Trouble in Paradise
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
My husband avoids spending time with me
I have been married eight months and already there are cracks showing. My husband works a five and a half day week, and hunts on Saturdays. When he is home he plays play station or sleeps. I've spoken to him about how I need to see more of him, and he always says that he will try more. But tonight he is going on a night hunt. And I am left at home alone, again. I am more on my own than anything. The loneliness is really starting to get to me. Any advice?
Re: My husband avoids spending time with me
First I would try making definite plans. Look at your calendar and say " Ok, this day we are going here and on this day we are going there." Don't get caught up in the whole " What do you want to do, I don't know what do you want to do ?" game. Make decisions now. Still give him time to pursue his own hobbies and interests, but make definite plans for your time together instead of leaving it up in the air.
If after making definite plans, he is still bailing on you, I would sit him down and have a very blunt and direct conversation with him. Don't sugarcoat. Tell him you are lonely and this isn't what you signed up for when you decided to get married.
FWIW, we had a somewhat similar problem when my husband signed up for a Fantasy Football league. Before he got into fantasy football, Sundays were family days and we were always going out, having fun and doing activities together. Once he got involved in his FF league, that all ended. He was skipping church and was glued to the TV all day on Sunday, Mondays and some Thursdays. I would say it almost became an obsession. I still took DD out to do stuff, but it wasn't the same. One day I finally told him that I was really lonely, unhappy and felt like I lost my best friend. I understood he had a new interest and was happy for him but it was getting too much and we needed to find a better balance. We decided that we would still go to church, and he would watch one game on Sunday and I didn't have a problem with him watching games on Mondays on Thursdays. He just needed to cut back. It worked and now he have a better balance.
This exactly. He can't keep leaving you on the shelf.
You didn't get married to run a boarding house for a guy who is busy with his *own* social life. He's got to spend time with you.
I agree with this. Sounds like his work schedule is 5.5 days (what do you expect him to do?). It also sounds like he has a hobby, which sounds healthy. Interests are good.
My very limited understanding of hunting is that it is seasonal.
First, I agree with the PP who said you and he need to make firm plans. When DH and I were first married (first couple of years) we did "date night" once a week. We would have dinner, go to a movie, do something else we wanted to do.
So make a firm plan with him on a certain day.
Also, maybe in the evenings, you guys eat dinner together and then sit together for a while (half hour, hour?) and talk a little bit.
If he really does go hunting *every weekend* perhaps a schedule of twice a month or something similar would be a good compromise?
You both have to sit down and come up with something that makes you both happy.
When my DH was working a lot of hours, I worked (I have always worked FT) but I also did volunteer work that I found particularly rewarding. You may have some other hobby or want to take classes or some volunteering interest.
It is unclear if you work and/or if you also have independent interests. I think it is very healthy to work and have independent interests. You should also be making time for each other (really, you should both *want* to spend time together :-)).
When you've been married this long, you need a ticker to remind you.
Baby Boy M - 08/01/2013
Why can't you go hunting with him or even play video games with him? Sometimes, if I want to spend time with my husband, I have to do things I normally don't like doing.
I also agree with finding some hobbies or friends so that you can have something to do when he is gone. It beats sitting at home and feeling lonely. Also, do include date nights. They do help the relationship. You don't even have to go anywhere. Make some fancy dinner and watch a movie together afterwards.
Where are you from and what is he hunting?? Nothing is in season right now here so I guess I'm confused as to what he is going after. Does he have nuisance permits or something? Or is it hogs? My husband is big into hunting but we both share that passion.
Be honest, did you always feel ignored at times? This doesn't sounds like its something that just came out of the blue. Sometimes people just accept this sort of treatment and bury it deep inside until they can no longer handle it. Men can only focus on one thing at a time, but at least once a day, that one thing should be you. If you feel like its always something else, then it's time for a talk.