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I messed up- how best to regain trust? (esp ladies with ocd/anxiety)
Hi Everyone,
I'm posting this from another board because I'd like to get some input from people in serious, committed relationships:
So I have a boyfriend with whom I've been living for 1 year. We are very in love and committed, but, like many women, I have major insecurity/anixety issues about relationships and my appearance. It borders on OCD. And sometimes that leads me to do things that I later seriously regret.
The thing I struggle with the most is thinking about him finding other women attractive. (We live in a very fashionable city and he works in an industry that is mostly women.) I get that life is filled with beautiful girls, and it's no big deal if he finds them attractive, and I just need to chill and not think about it. But sometimes it haunts me.
So my boyfriend started taking this summer sailing class every Friday evening from 6-9pm. It's really good for him, I'm proud of him for doing it, he's invited me down to meet him after to meet his crew and instructor etc. It's a nice thing, and I want him to enjoy it, and I don't want to let my anxiety ruin it for him. So I'm chilling, I'm supportive, and I'm really proud of myself and both of us. He goes every Friday and does his thing, and I'm encouraging of it and don't ask any questions.
Then, last week, he mentioned that his instructor just broke up with her boyfriend and was like, "Oh yeah, She was saying we should all go dancing together." So my anxiety radar started going off, but I keep calm, and I'm just like, "Oh. That's kind of weird. Okay. . ."
Then, last night, we're driving home and somehow the topic of this woman he used to work with comes up, and I go, "I think she's super pretty." And he goes, "No way. She's not hot. Now, my sailing instructor, SHE'S HOT!"
So I felt really panicked and angry after he said that. And when we got home, I searched his phone for all the emails between them and read them.
I knew there wasn't going to be anything bad there (he's seriously a trustworthy guy) but I was pissed at him for saying that and for stressing me out when I've been trying so hard to be cool and supportive about his sailing. Then I told him I read the emails (also in the heat of anger/arguing), and he, very understandably, was furious.
So there you have it. I really overreacted here and behaved badly. I did apologize, and I thanked him for being patient with me when I get anxious about stuff. And he did forgive me and re-stated that he is totally in love with me. But I know my behavior was wrong and sabotaging, and that seriously freaks me out. I mean, yeah, it was annoying what he said. But I should have been able to just roll my eyes and tell him it was annoying and then move on.
Anyway, can anyone relate or give me advice for dealing/ getting past these kinds of situations?
Re: I messed up- how best to regain trust? (esp ladies with ocd/anxiety)
So you know you have a problem (anxiety/ possible OCD/ low self-esteem). What are you actually DOING about it? Acknowledging you have a problem is only step 1. Figuring out how to fix it is what really matters.
We can give you advice on regaining trust, but if you don't get help for the bigger issue at hand, you'll probably only do something like this again.
And while I DO think that if your BF is aware of your feelings, HE can help out by not making statements like that. But again, that's only part of the solution.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Bonus: You get to say to him, "I'm so sorry. I know that you haven't given me any reason not to trust you, so I'm going to get help to work on the issue." That might help get past this recent snag.
Hi, I'm replying because I think you should know that a love of people have certain feelings like this and jealousy/anxiety issues. Everyone's issues are just expressed in different ways and different degrees. I don't know how old you are or how long you and your boyfriend have been together. All I can really say is I know from my own feelings and feelings of certain friends I have that we've all been there where we have some kind of question about people in our significant other's life. I'm not saying we all doubt or mistrust our so at certain times. I'm just saying that the paranoia inside ourselves makes us question things or certain things guys say can trigger that response where the woman goes... hey wait a sec... Even checking emails is something that happens. The thing is that those feelings SUCK and they are unfair to your so. It took me years with my so to start to calm down about these things. I used to feel it really bad and really strongly right before my period and have since changed birth controls-- so that's another thing. If you're on a certain birth control that can affect feelings like this BIG TIME. Don't suppress your emotions, but you do have to choose your battles and only voice things that are seriously on your mind and heart. I think that if his comment about his sailing instructor bothered you THAT much and you truly have no reason to think he's cheating, then you should have told him your feelings instead of digging in email. Although I bet it felt a lot better to "know" when you did look.
I like the other response about therapy, also. I am big on therapy and it's always helpful to just get your feelings off your chest to someone who is unbiased and can help you feel better.
I know how you feel is really uncomfortable, especially with the guilt you have for feeling the way you do. It can get better in time, but really maybe talking to someone would help make it better faster?
Hope I could help.
Yeah, I agree with the PP. This is one of those times where your actions will show how serious you are about your relationship.
You did something wrong, you admitted it and apologized (good for you for that), and the next step is to accept responsibility for it and try to make it right.
You're waffling on the responsibility part if you are blaming it on the OCD but not going back to therapy or whatever you need to do to get the OCD back under control.
Have you actually been diagnosed with OCD? And do you have any insight into what part of this behavior was influenced by the OCD?
Cognitive behavioral therapy has helped me. Also a personal rule that I will wait a few days before any big relationship-changing action (like looking through e-mail) and use that time to try and identify any distorted thinking. In other words, don't spend the 24 hours working yourself up into a higher state of anxiety. Use it to regain rationality. If the action still seems like a rational response then, I will do it. Usually it doesn't.
Thank you guys so much for your thoughtful replies. I really appreciate it.
Yes, I am in therapy, and the therapist and I have recently been digging into some stuff from my past, so it's possible that left me feeling extra vulnerable. . .We have a long history of sexual abuse and eating disorders, etc. in my family, and it's left a lot of us with scars. I actually have an appointment with him later today.
Although he knows that I am sensitive, I don't think my boyfriend gets the severity of how I feel sometimes. I'd like to share it with him, but A) I don't want him to feel he has to walk on eggshells and
I don't want him to think I'm totally crazy. He thinks I'm "gorgeous" and hot and truly doesn't get why I would be insecure. So sometimes he says stuff where, in my head, I'm like, "Ouch, that hurts." Or "Oh no! This girl is perfect and amazing, and why would he tell me about her when it's only going to make me get scared!" etc.
He's a great guy, and I CAN trust him, and I know how lucky I am to have found him. But still, when he says stuff that triggers me, it's very hard for me to control my reactions. And then, as someone pointed out, I feel seriously guilty for even HAVING that reaction because I know he is a great guy. Ugh.
Thank you though-- I will keep you updated!
The bolded is what sticks out most to me. I think you're doing your relationship a disservice by downplaying how deep your anxiety goes. If you're serious about being with him for the long haul, I think it's better to let your crazy out so to speak. If I were you, I'd apologize for my actions and ask him to attend a therapy session with me so he can hear from you AND your therapist that you need him to be a little careful right now while you're working on your issues but that you know this is YOUR issue and you're serious about working on it to make your relationship better for both of you.
I say this as someone who has struggled with bad anxiety for most of my life but managed to maintain a great relationship with my DH for the past 12 years. Having him come with me and hear from an outside party about how he doesn't necessarily need to understand my feelings to respect them was really, really helpful to us.