Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
normal or not?
DH and I have been married 8 years, and have a 5 year old and a 2 year old. I work as a teacher, so I'm off in the summers. I know that marriages go through ruts and difficult patches, and I know that kids change things - ours most certainly have - but is it normal for me to be the only one that does things around the house and with the kids? My husband typically works M-F, 10 hour days, on the weekends, he will spend the majority of his time watching TV or playin xbox. He'll mow the lawn, if he feels like it, and will almost always make plans to golf on Sunday. He will play with the kids for about 30 minutes when he gets home from work, but once he's done, he's done. He will practically check out in front of the TV. I on the other hand, do everything to keep the house somewhat picked up, take care of the kids' needs, etc, etc.
In the evenings right now, I'll take the kids for walks or to the park, but DH will NEVER go. It's to the point where our 5 year old asks why daddy doesn't ever want to go with us. I'm not sure how to answer, other than say "he's tired"
DH suffers from chronic migraines, ADHD, and has bi-polar disorder. All of which are relatively under control right now, probably about as best as he'll get them under control.
I guess what my problem/worry/fear is, is that I am building up resentment for his laziness when it comes to helping out around the house. Besides the lawn, DH doesn't do anything around here, unless I ask, repeatedly. He'll occasionally clean the bathroom, but that's after I ask several times. He does his own laundry, and while I usually take it out of the dryer, I simply place it in baskets. So there are always baskets of messy clothes on our bedroom floor. I won't fold them anymore because when I do, they're back to being messed up within a day or two, and I find that to be a waste of my time.
I've
talked with him, and it doesn't make any difference. He simply says
that he works hard and is exhausted, and "I'm the mom" He usually ends
up mad, and then turns it all around and makes me feel like poop for
bringing it up since he has the mental issues, saying that "he's trying
and it's hard, etc."
Well - I'm exhausted too. When school is
in, I work hard all day with 25 9 year olds, and then come home and do
dinner, bathe our kids, play with them, and then sit down and grade
papers/write plans after the kids are in bed. He does give me time to
go run, and grocery shop alone, but at times it's not worth it, because I
come home and the house is trashed again. The kids are taken care of,
but the mess of a house negates that sometimes.
He comes home from work and sits on the chair. He might give the kids a bath if I ask - but he'll only sit in there with them, I usually have to go in and wash them up, get them dressed for bed, etc.
Lately, I, feeling like I don't have a partner in this "Life" that we have built together. I feel that I am doing it all on my own. DH is nothing like he was when we met and fell in love, and quite honestly, at times, I'm not sure that my love for him is there.
Besides talking, what do I do? Just continue working through this rut - if that's what it is, or is this something more??
Sorry for the rambles.
Re: normal or not?
IMO it's not normal. Husbands are involved team players in marriage. His medical issues can make your normal a bit different than other couples, but still more balanced than they are now.
Time for counseling? Or maybe an adjustment in his meds? Can your H work less than 10 hour days? Is that the norm or is it short term? It's definitely time for a come to Jesus talk when you have a quiet house (kids in bed/being babysat).
How long has he been doing this for? Has something changed at work that is causing him to act out in this manner?
It looks like there is something else going on an he could be using his mental problems as the "excuse".
I also want to know how long this has been going on for. I'm no relationship expert, but I can tell you what it looks like from my perspective. I'm a teacher too, so I understand how exhausting it is to work with children all day and have to come home and take care of your family--it can almost feel like going to your second job. It is not fair for you to do this all by yourself.
I don't really think he should get to use his illnesses as an excuse. I'm not a doctor, so I could be way off the mark here, but it's not that hard to put soap on the kids when he's watching them in the bath and going to the park to play with them, even just once in awhile is not that hard, so being ADHD and bipolar does not excuse his laziness. I can totally see how these disorders would make him just want to zone out in front of the TV and check out, but he would honestly probably feel BETTER if he forced himself to live his life a little and be there for his family.
Does he have to work 10 hour days? It sounds like it might be too much for him right now.
You are right that your husband should be your partner and you shouldn't have to pretty much raise the girls by yourself. Have you tried talking to him about how you feel like you are kind of alone in this life right now? Make sure he is aware of your feelings. Getting counseling together might be a good idea if it doesn't get better.
thank you for your honest input - I'm sure counseling will help. He already sees someone, and has mentioned that I should go with him..but he tells me the day before or the day of, and we don't have a sitter. My concern with counseling is that he is admittedly manipulative - meaning he will say what needs to be said. (I have never felt that he has been this way with me) I worry that that's what will happen with a counselor.
Another thing that really bothers me is that when we do go places, he acts completely different than when we're at home. He's outgoing, fun, talkative, very hands-on with the kids. He is not like that at home. So it bothers me that he shows others this side, and not me. That's how he was when we met and were first married. I know that we change as we grow and mature, but he's like a totally different person when we're with others than just at home.
I couldn't tell you how long this has been going on. A couple of years maybe? What stands out to me most is right before I delivered our daughter 2 years ago, he went through a horrible month of migraines. He had like 15+ that month. That was really defeating and scary, resulting in an MS scare, lots of tests, and a final diagnosis of chronic migraines - all in the 2 months or so surrounding the birth of DD. When we came home from the hospital with her, he was still dealing with the migraines and doctors appointments and I was dealing with all of the hormonal changes and adjusting to having 2 littles at home. He was helpful, but not always present, which made sense at the time.
Things just haven't really improved.
I'm horrible with confrontation. I avoid it at all costs. Just thinking of bringing all of my concerns up with DH makes me anxious and fearful. I don't want yelling or raised voices, I will cry, and then feel like I've shown weakness in it all. I don't talk about this much with family because then I fear that they would think less of him (or me) and I don't want that. I'm also afraid to talk to my family for fear of what they really think. I have a few friends that I've talked to about it, but one just went through a HORRIBLE divorce and the other's relationship isn't that stable either.
Hi- In my opinion, your H is not acting like a partner to you at all. I think it's okay if you and your H have kind of a system that you're both okay with. Like I know my H won't cook, but he cleans a lot and that makes me still feel like we're a team. You shouldn't do everything on your own. He shouldn't have control over you doing it like this for years just because he fights with you when you bring up your feelings. That's not right.
What I would do if I were you is I would call up a sitter and have them on standby or tell your H that you want to go to therapy with him and see if you can get a set day ahead of time. Anyway - I think you're going to have to get to that therapy session and say- in front of a mediator- that you don't feel like a team and explain why. In front of a mediator, he will have to say something meaningful. He can't just argue you down like he will at home. It's a shame because your H should be able to listen to your feelings without being combative, but I know what that's like sometimes, too. Maybe you can bring that up in therapy, also, that you didn't feel that you could tell him all of this at home and explain why. Or maybe you'll want to go to 2 sessions, one for each major issue... I hope that you do go and that you two can work it out. Each person in the couple needs to do their part in the team.
I'd be concerned because he doesn't seem be much of a father. You can't build a relationship with kids on 30 minutes a day. Forget about chores and what's fair to his wife -- don't his kids deserve better?
And if he is genuinely too ill to provide better, then I think you have some hard choices to make. And you owe it to him to be clear about that, just in case he maybe isn't actually too ill to be a dad, but instead he just hasn't been motivated to.
Nope, this isn't right.
We usually hear this kind of complaint from the newlywed wives or nearlynewlwed wives, but not a wife married for close to a decade.
He's got to pitch in. You're the mom? What does he think this is --- 1960?
He needs a no holds barred ugly talk with you --- and you need to lay it on the line with all the bumps and warts.
AND he needs to pitch in, no questions asked.
Wbat kind of a guy is it who can't spend good time with his kids??? This is what I want to know.
I am wondering is it possible that he's emotionally checking out. I am not crazy about how he leaves you holding the bag and even less crazy than that about the fact he won't spend good time with your kids.
Not fair and not right.
If he refuses after you've had a talk with him, this is now a character thing, not just a laziness thing and that's far more spectacular a problem than a lazy man.
If he refuses, you give serious thought to taking the kids and leaving. YOu did not get married to eventually wind up running the home like a single mother. Shame on him.
This. I lost all sympathy for him when he said "you're the mom".
Someone with chronic illness here:
It took my husband a while to understand that when I don't help around the house, I can't. Literally cannot. It's beyond me.
That said, since this is a recent phase, he needs medication adjustment.
This sounds like severe depression part of bipolar. And it sounds like he's only able to hide it outside the house. Mostly, when you're depressed, you feel like you have no choice but to put on a happy public face.
You need to talk and listen to how he feels. Make a doctor's appointment so it can change. And ask him yo show appreciation for what you do.
Chances are, he really can't do any better right now. Medical help will fix that. Don't blame and call him lazy, which may actually hurt more than help-work as a team to be a team again.
Ok, but if he really can't do any better, how is it fair to her kids for her to stay and raise them with an indifferent father and an overwhelmed mother?
I'm talking about what to do now: work with him to help him regain his former energy level so that he can act as a husband and parent.
If he can't change there are other hard desicions ahead. She will have to consider if she wants this permanently.
But nobody is considering his laundry list of problems. She married someone with health issues, which I think means agreeing to help him deal with them when they come up. He may not even really realize what's happening.
Better communication is needed though-he should still be super appreciative of her at least verbally. She needs to learn more about his diseases.
If he refuses treatment or stays a different person, though, that's completely different.
This post is really frustrating to me, because we have:
A mom who is doing all of the work in the household of four. A task which is enough to drive anyone nearly mad. She has to deal with a checked- out partner who seemingly sits as still as a post every day. She doesn't really know what he's thinking, if he's thinking...she just has a fixture on the couch which isn't even that great as a pillow.
A man who obviously comes home from work so drained that he literally cannot interact with his family. He puts on a happy face outside, forces himself to interact for 30 minutes before finally breaking down- he has to do personal time . He wants to do better-but he's barely hanging on.
Both of you, op, are barely hanging on. It really doesn't have to be this way!
That makes sense. I agree.
His former energy level was from a time when he was borderline manic and constantly racing. That isn't healthy for our family either. When we met and were dating, he worked delivering pizzas, teaching karate, and in a day care. He essentially "played" all day. When we started getting serious, he figured he should get more of a career, so he went back to welding - which is what he did before the pizza/karate/day care stuff - he had an injury and back surgery and didn't go back. He enjoys his job, but admits to putting too much pressure on himself when it comes to things there; but he's also an important employee and they really can't get things done without him.
That said, he is very "all or nothing" and he knows this. If he can't do something all of the way, then he's too overwhelmed to even start it. Which is why my house has a ton of un-finished projects that take approximately 2 years to actually complete. Hounding and nagging him to finish stuff only makes him NOT want to do it even more. He will admit all of this. This summer, I've taken on a few of those projects myself, now that my kids are a little older and I'm not so exhausted from lack of sleep (we had crappy sleepers). Seeing that I did these things - cleaned out our sun room and made it a play room, and primed/painted our living room - motivated him for one weekend to work on the landscaping in our front yard. He's done with that again. He liked what I did, but then felt bad that he wasn't able to do them himself.
My other concern is his crazy ability to just "walk away" from things. I have never met his father and never will. We only see his mom/step dad if they come here (they only live 45 minutes away). I feel bad for my kids not knowing their Grammie an Poppy the way that they know my parents, but it is what it is. I've taken the kids down there on my random days off, but I'm not going to go to his family for a holiday without DH. I'm not concerned that he'll just up and leave us, but I do fear for my kids if things don't work out and DH and I don't stay together for whatever reason. The kids ADORE him and he them; I know that they are what keep him going when he's at his low points.
I know that he can handle things when I'm not here. I get a weekend day out here and there; I was gone for 2 nights this past school year at a conference (granted he took those 2 days off of work and STILL took the kids to the sitter...), He doesn't tell me that I cannot do things with friends or go to the neighborhood ladies night.
I wish he would want to go places with us or even out with just me once in a while. He'll be all gung ho to go do something, and 3 hours later, won't want to. Which is when I usually take the kids by myself somewhere. It's all very frustrating.
There are a lot of little pieces to this puzzle.
Thank you for your honest input and thoughts. We are getting ready to head to the lake for the week with my family. The kids and I are going today, and DH will join us up there on Tuesday night (he gets bored just sitting around most of the day, plus he has to save a few vacation days for other things). When we get back, we'll have a serious discussion about responsibilities around here because once we're back, I'm back in my classroom prepping for the year and with back-to-school meetings. Plus, this year I lose my 20 minute commute time without kids in the car! DS is starting pre-school 3 days a week and my school, so he'll be with me, chatting my ear off!
Honestly, it doesn't sound like he ever had a period of true stability in his illness, and therapy would help him with existing issues even unrelated to his illnesses.
And the gung-ho then not wanting is depression related. Most of he way you describe him screams depression.
I would strongly suggest working with him, a psychologist, and a psychiatrist so that he is in control of his health instead of it controlling him.
This must be frustrating. It's not easy, and you have a right to complain. Remember he is not in control, and work with him!
You don't have to just be a patient saint who does everything. Just try to understand each other.