Trouble in Paradise
tigerfighter
member
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Feelings
Almost a month ago DH and I got into a huge fight and were going to split. We both went for a walk and when we came back decided to work on things. Things have been going smooth, but I am still not sure on how I feel. Things keep bothering me and I have a hard time forgetting things he has said and did in the past. Just the other day he stood in front of the tv and i waved my hand and he got hurt about it but yet on a few occasions he has told me to move out of the way of the tv when i was standing on the side but I just moved and didnt get all butt hurt about it.
Re: Feelings
Okay, seriously, who stands in front of the TV when it's on and someone is obviously watching?!
I know this doesn't answer your question at all, but I'm not sure what your question is, or if there is one.
How about some more backstory?
What was the fight about and why do you still feel at ends about it?
sounds like DVR would save your marriage.
Seriously, though, more details! Are you both becoming big jerks when you fight? Name calling? Insults? Disrespect? Threats? Those things can destroy a relationship. Everyone has fights, but not every says things they feel crummy about weeks later.
Why would you do this??? Why would you cut yourself off from all your friends and hobbies to sit at home and play wife? He fell in love with you because you were (I'm assuming here) happy? interesting? engaged in life? I wouldn't want to be married to someone with no friends or hobbies who wanted to be home all the time.
For communication issues, counseling. Period. Two people who can't kindly communicate with each other about their needs and concerns can't grow and maintain a healthy relationship. You guys sound like you're really missing the target on that one.
The cutting of all my guy friends was not my idea, but it was for best interest of the relationship, same with facebook. As he said guys and girls cant be friends and that facebook causes relationship issues. I was working 2 jobs, modeling, and we worked different schedules so we each had alone time. Now same schedule. So we are always together...except work.
There is a difference in our ages and how we grew up. I cut all my guy friends out, deleted my facebook, and now all I do is work and stay home.
He sounds like a real prize and controlling as hell, if he asked you to do that -- and if you did this on your own, bad news too! Why couldn't you keep your friends, no matter what sex they were?
I feel like I am getting depressed. I have started to try to add activities like going back to school and he is concerned I am not concentrating on him enough, but I am going to school online. So again work and home is all I do.
Bad news, too. I can't tell you how bad this is and how wrong this is.
He argues that I take him for granted and never romance him any more or really want to be affectionate.
Is he kidding? Passion waxes and wanes -- and is he really this childish, demanding and needy???
I work all year long and he has summers off but the bills remain the same. The two times I was in the way I was coming out of the bathroom and caught something interesting on the tv and was on the side...not standing right in front of it.
I don't consider that in the way. And it sounds like he picked a fight with you over nothing.
We tend to get into fights alot. And right now I feel like I need to watch how I say things or look because he says I am being "pissy" or what is that look for. And I said "ok"
WHY are you agreeing with him and why are you walking on eggs around this guy???
That's all I see you doing: walking on eggs around him.
This doesn't sound like a good bet for you. YOu can't live under somebody's thumb and wow, you can't even attend school in a conventional classroom?
I vote you pack your bags and leave and get this marriage annulled. He sounds like a prize pig.
VERY unhealthy to not have any type of alone time. Get rid of him posthaste.
This is a REALLY big red flag. This is controlling behavior that often leads to abusive behavior. If you do a bit of reading about common progressions of spousal abuse it starts with cutting out the friends and family. Isolation makes it easier for a victim to lose perspective about what's 'normal' or 'reasonable' and removes support systems. It's not OK ever. Trust me, it's not normal to cut out all your guy friends and stop having social connections to be in successful a marriage.
I really encourage to get into counseling, on your own!
He sounds hostile.
First of all, there's no reason why you should have to give up your guy friends. I can understand if you were hanging out with them every night without him why it would be a problem, but assuming you had normal, healthy, non marriage threatening friendships, that was just controlling and cruel of him to make you do that. Same with Facebook. No, facebook does NOT hurt relationships and I don't even understand how he came to this conclusion...unless you use facebook to create drama like an eighth grader, which the majority of people don't...so that is just dumb.
Since you still have your girl friends, I recommend you get out once in awhile and live your life. If you are starting to feel depressed, you need to remember the things you used to do that made you happy and you need to start doing those. I don't know what is wrong with your husband, but I hope you guys can start communicating more clearly and figure out what the REAL issues are, cause like I said in my first post, I know the root of your problems are not from getting in the way of the TV.
He sounds like a real peach.
You sound like a 5 year old who listens and does whatever big daddy wants.
Do you really understand how BAD it is that you have no friends, facebook, or males in your life>
You do know that that is controlling abusive behavior...right?
It sounds like you will do anything to get his approval and no matter how hard you try it doesn't work.
Guess what this is they type of guy that you will never be able to satisfy.
It is never a good idea to cut out a large piece of your support group. Furthermore, a partner that loves, respects, and trusts you would never ask you to do that (unless, of course, you are stirring up trouble in which case, there are obviously other issues).
Live your life. Have friends, hobbies, and something to live for outside the relationship. If he can't accept that you are your own person and not dependent on him for identity, tell him to pack his bags and find someone else to control.
His behavior is controlling and emotionally abusive. You need to leave.
The end.
LEAVE. HIM. NOW.
Does somebody have a website that lists the signs of abuse? This guy is an abuser, at least emotionally.
http://www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effects.htm#signs
Agree with PP. Please, Please, Please read these signs and symptoms. If you feel afraid to talk to your husband about any of these signs and symptoms you need to reach out to your remaining support system and get out! Please don't wait until it escalates! If you talk to him about these issues and he genuinely wants to work on it with you and go to counseling ( emphasis on counseling, not just "I'll do better babe") then maybe it can work. However it sounds like you are somewhat afraid of his reactions to your arguments.
Leaving an emotional abuser seems hard, but is actually wonderful.
These are the words and actions of abuse, not a relationship.
Don't do counseling. Skilled manipulators will turn it against you.
He may have gotten concerned once or twice, but his consistent actions afterward? Obviously, that was just a show.
Don't let this keep happening to you. Therapy isn't a buzzword or a place for broken people, it will seriously just help you sort some stuff out in a neutral, safe setting. It will help you and future relationships. Please consider going.
I just wanted to reiterate this. I have gone to counseling before and I think it was one of the healthiest decisions I ever made.
You seem to have a pattern of men you are interested in or attracted to. These men are not healthy or good for you. Please talk to someone so you can get to the bottom of why this keeps happening.