Trouble in Paradise
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Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Strip club WWYD
My DH is a good guy. He's all-in-all a good husband, great dad, etc. He works really hard and when he gets a chance to get loose (which I'll admit is VERY rarely), sometimes he gets pretty loose and acts like a moron. So, he went to a bachelor party last weekend. The last time he went to a strip club was HIS bachelor party years ago and I remember hearing he got a lap dance and that made me really uncomfortable, but I just let it go. So this time I specified that I want him to have a good time, but no lap dances. He was going with just two other guys, much younger than him, neither one of them had ever been to a strip club and this was not exactly DH's first time.
So the next day he was telling me about the night and how hilarious the two other guys were, without going into too much detail. I was fine with all that. Then he prefaced his next little story with, "Now you can't hold this against me..." And I said I'm not sure I could promise that/don't know if I want to hear this. But he said no, no, it's not that bad. So he described how the strip club is set up (I've never been) and how it works. He said towards the end of the night, the girls were dancing in front of them and you're supposed to tip. He was saying that when the girls would go in front of him, he would smack their asses and was encouraging one of the other guys to do it too saying, "Come on, they like it!"
I am seriously repulsed. I'm not a prude. But I really hoped/expected my DH (as a married father, not a horny 18-year-old) to just be there, drink, tip, look, whatever. He knows I find strip clubs to be degrading. But I find them to be degrading because of people like my husband I just feel like he was being so sleazy and gross. I'm disappointed and could not be less attracted to him than I am now. He didn't think it was a big deal and just said he didn't know why he told me.
So, WWYD? Am I right to be angry? Is this just something guys do and he should have kept his mouth shut? I'd really appreciate some other perspectives here.
Re: Strip club WWYD
Your H sounds like a pig, I'd be grossed out and we'd have a serious talk. It couldn't have been a nice Club if he really touched them like that. I'm having a hard time believing this BTW. I wonder what really did happen. I've been to a few myself, granted they were the classy places. You can't touch the dancers and those that do are in private rooms and paying a crap ton of money.
I don't have general advice but do agree that what your husband did seems degrading to the dancers.
The idea of stripping is gross to me, but hey, some people can pay their way through school with it. No matter what the dancers, are, well, people.
Actually, that gives me a thought. Maybe you could communicate that he was being skeevy and kinda treating the women as pleasure-toys? Their job is to provide pleasure, but they're still not toys...
I'm torn.
On one hand, you're right - this is degrading and skeevy and disgusting, and I certainly wouldn't even bother with a first date with a guy like this. On the other hand, you knew he was the kind of disgusting creeper who paid women to dry-hump him, and you married him anyway, so I'm not sure why you're now shocked.
There are much better guys out there, but you didn't pick one. And no, I don't think that the solution is for him to only not tell you that he's a jerk.
I have several friends that danced in our 20s and I had gone to see them. Here (Houston) they do have a rule that you don't touch the dancers but everyone does anyways, smacking a backside is 'tame' compared to what they actually do most of the time. I personally don't see anything wrong with husbands/wives going to strip clubs if their spouses are fine with it. I wouldn't like 'smacking' to happen but I wouldn't be so upset about it, just because I've been to them and knows what all goes on.
I think you have every right to be upset. Some women don't mind their bfs/fiances/husbands going to strip clubs, and that's fine and dandy for them but if your husband KNOWS how you feel about them and he still went and acted inappropriately, then he is completely disrespecting you and your wishes.
My husband mentioned something when we were engaged about going to a strip club for his bachelor party and I basically told him that if he went to a strip club then I would not be marrying him. I was probably a little harsh and overly dramatic about it, but I wanted him to take me seriously. I do think it's disrespectful to your partner.
Personally, if I were in your situation, I would probably ask my husband not to go to strip clubs period. I don't mean this to come off as controlling or anything, but it's obviously that your guidelines of "just looking and having a drink" or whatever weren't very easy for him to follow. Of course, if he sees no problems with strip clubs and thinks that it's silly for you to be upset, it might not be easy to ask him not to go. Hopefully he respects you and your relationship enough though.
ETA: I reread your initial post maybe I misunderstood the first time. Are you fine with him going to a strip club but just don't like it when he smacks the dancers/talks about smacking them? Either way I still stand by my last paragraph. This strip club sounds like it brings out the worst in your husband.
I don't really care if he goes to a strip club and just sees naked women. We have Showtime. He's seen naked women other than myself before. That's fine. I didn't want him to get a lap dance or touch anyone, but only specified no lap dances. I didn't think it was necessary to specify anything else.
I think it's slightly ridiculous that I should expect this because he got a lap dance and I married him anyway. Like I'm the only woman who's married a guy who got a lap dance at his bachelor party. We got married three years ago. This was the second time he's been to a strip club. This isn't common.
And he's not really a sleazy guy. His behavior was sleazy. He's a good man and a good husband. He loves me. I love him. If this was typical or expected I wouldn't be posting here for advice.
This sounds like a monkey see monkey do thing.
If you find out he's gone into a strip club after this episode, then have a big problem with it.
What do you mean by the bold? What is "this"? Are you saying that you don't think you should expect him not to go to strip clubs?
I wasn't trying to say that your husband was a sleazy guy, I just said that the strip club brought out the worst in him. I get that it isn't typical behavior, but just because it doesn't happen all the time doesn't mean you should give it a pass. I know I personally would not want my husband going to a strip club if that's what I knew was taking place when he was there.
I don't really know what you want us to say? You write a post complaining about this behavior but now your reply to me looks like you're defending him, so I just don't know what you are looking for. I'm sorry if I misinterpreted your reply. I think some of it is sarcastic but it's not coming across well over the internet.
Sorry for the confusion. The bold was in reference to ReturnofK, not you.
My point is, you know he's kind of skeevy and misogynistic, because this is what he does without you laying out rules for him. This is who he is. I'm just not sure why you're shocked that his inclination is to do skeevy and misogynistic things at a strip club, when you already knew that about him.
It's not about how often he goes to strip clubs - it's about who he is as a person, how he thinks, and whether he sees women as walking sex toys or human beings.
It's multifaceted. We live in a country where stripping is pretty regulated and safe so most people who are there do it because they want to. I think that's important as a baseline.
I would be extremely hurt and disgusted. I am the same way, if he has a bachelor party he's at or whatever, I don't mind him going to be with his boys. But, with his bachelor party, I told him, its his choice, but he knows I am not a fan of men who enjoy strip clubs. I told him awhile back, hey, if you want someone to dance for you, you got one right at home!
When it came to his party, his buddies mentioned it, he said no, they aren't doin that. That makes me feel good about it.
If your H knows how you feel about this then he was absolutely disrespectful and I would be ashamed of him and hurt. I would have a sit down with him and let him know that he has really turned me off by the way he acted. I wouldn't want to have to feel like I was putting a leash on the guy, he should make his own choices about these things on his own, because he wants to, not because you make him. He was way wrong in his actions and I would not let it go. I would make sure to talk it out if possible and express all of how you feel about it... Good luck girl!!!!
Btw, I reread my last post-to clarify, I meant that the idea of me stripping skeeves me out, but I have no problem with others doing it.