Trouble in Paradise
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Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Back here again
First, you need a little background. I have PTSD from my first marriage. My ex was sexually, mentally and emotionally abusive and he was as far from faithful as possible. He had cybersex very frequently and sex with easy women and prostitutes as often as possible. He has even had sex with men. If it's different, he wants to try it. It left me very emotionally hurt and traumatized. I stayed with him for six years, because I didn't have a peace about leaving. Eventually, he informed me that if I wanted to stay married, I'd need to overlook his infidelity. It was as if I could audibly hear God say, "Okay. Now." We divorced and I've never once doubted that decision. I have two wonderful children from that horrible relationship.
Eventually, I met a godly man who had a very hard stance against pornography and anything that can poison a marriage. He was excited to show me a marriage where the man truly loves the woman. It made me believe in real love again... in fairy tales.
But that's all it was. In the last month, I've discovered that he has been obsessed with VERY NASTY hardcore porn (mostly teen "barely legal" porn). He flat out lied to me when we were first talking. I'd explained my past. He should have cut the line and run. He should NEVER have duped me into marrying him. But he did.
Less than a year into the marriage, my husband took his wedding ring off and met a girl. That was a little over a year ago and he just ended the relationship almost a month ago. He has also flirted with other women, including a woman that works at a desk right outside his office. He has continued a flirty friendship with her despite my requests for the opposite.
Since my discovery of these things, everything has gone south.
He is SO afraid to look at himself that he protects his pride at all cost. For the last month, here's what that has looked like:
1.) He lies about EVERYTHING now... even stupid stuff.
2.) He constantly makes excuses and minimizes his actions.
3.) He repeatedly blames me for his actions.
4.) He has repeatedly accused me of cheating.
5.) He attacks me to take focus off of him.
6.) He takes it for granted that I'll stay with him no matter what and is very laid back about dealing with his sin.
In the past month, we've had the same cyclical conversation over and over. I confront him about something, he lies about it. I show proof. He makes excuses and minimizes. I don't buy it. He gets mad at me and blames me or accuses me of cheating. I just stop talking to him. He comes back and says, "I didn't see it before, but I see it now. You're right. I'm sorry." But then, we have the same conversation over and over again.
Two days ago, we went to a marriage counselor. Before we went it, we talked in the car. I told him that I would NOT be able to handle it if he tried to make excuses or lie. He swore he wouldn't lie about anything. But, he made an excuse with the very first thing she asked him and he lied about the second. Then, to make things worse, the counselor pretty much said that the issue wasn't his infidelity, but my faith. She asked if I'd be willing to alter my faith. I said no. She questioned and attacked my faith. I knew enough scripture to refute her attacks. But the whole time we sat in there with her attacking me and my faith, my husband sat silent. He didn't defend me OR my faith, that he claims to share. He was so grateful to have the blame put on someone else.
I've asked very few things of him:
1.) Stop talking with Vanessa and Heidi.
2.) Inform me immediately if either of them contact him.
3.) Run any responses by me first (he had previously shown too much care and concern for them in emails to "end it").
4.) Do not lie about anything.
5.) Do not minimize anything or make excuses.
Out of those five things, he hasn't done a single one. And yet, he continually yells at me, "I'm doing everything you've asked! What more do you want?!?!"
It is VERY clear to me that he isn't at a point where he can get help, because he REFUSES to admit that he has a problem.
He says he WANTS to get help, but he runs away every time someone starts pointing out his sin.
So, here I am in a lie of a marriage and the worst part is that the infidelity and porn is NOTHING compared to how cruelly he's treated me in the last month. He has been SO mean. I want to flee. I want out. I do not know this man. I can not love this man. I do not like this man. I WANT OUT!
But again, I don't feel a peace about leaving.
So, I've given up everything. I've canceled two interviews and turned down a job in order to stay in the marriage. I don't know how much more I can take.
I dedicate to this marriage over and over again, while he keeps running away (but not before destroying me again and again).
I just feel so completely helpless. I have so many people praying, but it seems that things just keep getting worse and worse. He is putting on this mask of a remorseful adulterer, but he continues to lie and make excuses about the SAME THINGS.
I don't know what to do, but I can't live like this much longer.
Re: Back here again
Dude:
You needed counseling and a LOT of it.... and you needed to more or less swear off men and dating for a good chunk of time, before you found it "fit" enough to start dating casually.
Sounds to me like you didn't give yourself enough time to recover, with the help of a counselor.
Hence part of your problem....:(
You went into it free and clear and with your eyes OPEN.
You cannot blame HIM "duping" you for your problem.
You married another jerk.... which is why I said it was prudent for you to get counseling and a lot of it -- and then wait a very long time before you began dating even very casually. But the horse is now out of the barn.
Riddle us that.
Why were you with him after he made it clear -- a year into this sham of a marriage --- that he wanted the single man's lifestyle???
GET rid of him and do it TODAY.
Get rid of him, as I said.
Don't preach on this site. it won't go over well.
What you need to do:
Pack it in, file for divorce and leave.
Protect your assets and your kids. Make sure you have your money in a place/account he cannot touch.
Go anywhere but stay there.
And get TESTED. This guy could be a Petri dish for who knows what STDs --- do you want them? Don't put yourself at risk.
Adultery is a dealbreaker.
And get yourself counseling. With a secular counselor, not a religious one -- and above all:
UNTIL you get lots of counseling and you are divorced for a good chunk of time --- for you, perhaps 4 or 5 years --- only consider dating THEN. And when you do, only the most casual of dates.
You keep attracting adulterers and guys who are into porn. That pattern needs to be broken and quickly.
Wishing you luck.
You NEED to leave this man. I have never told anyone to break up with someone on these forums before, but if I had to pick one case it would be yours. The lying is NOT okay, the infidelity is NOT okay, and there is NOTHING wrong with having faith in God. Are you Christian or of another faith? If you are Christian, are you a member of a church? If I were you I would ask the pastor if you could talk with him. Counseling/talking with church members is part of their job and they already know you, and obviously he will not look at your faith as a problem. That would be my first step.
If you are not a member of a church or don't feel comfortable talking to the pastor, talk to a Christian (or whatever faith you are part of) counselor. Google until you find one, they exist. Go alone if your husband will not go with you. You sound like you have much healing to do.
Get out of this "marriage" ASAP, heck I'm sure you could get it annulled under the fraud clause. God can only help those that help themselves. Get a new counsler and stay single for a LONG time.
You have two children that need a mother, you are risking your life and health by staying with this idiot. Why are you risking yourself for a guy that doesn't care about you? Who do you care more about?!? I hope it's your children.
Thank you for the quick replies, ladies.
A couple of things:
First, I didn't know he took his ring off until a few weeks ago. We've been separated since then.
Second, I saw a counselor for a while after the first divorce. I also went through an intensive program. And I am seeing another counselor now.
Staying with this pig will destroy you -- and it will ruin your kids. THink of yourself and the kiddoes and put yourself and the kids FIRST.
Do not tarry --- get an attorney, file -- get your finances ready also -- and then go. Good riddance to bad rubbish...and I guarantee you that these are not the only 2 women this slimeball's got in the wings. There are probably multiple women.
Rotsa ruck TO the wimmen...they can HAVE him. UGH.
A divorce would be fairly simple. We don't have joint finances or any joint debt. All my debt is in my name and all his debt is in his name. We have no kids together.
But I don't regret AT ALL waiting so long to leave my ex. I was able to walk out of that marriage knowing that I'd done absolutely everything I could.
I just don't have that feeling yet. I don't want to walk out until I know beyond a doubt that I'll never regret it.
Also, my doctors I'm seeing about possible cancer are military docs. I don't know that I can risk losing that military insurance.
I would also run a credit check on him and on you, if I were you. One never knows.
Here's the deal: he's shown you indefatigably what a louse he is! What more proof do you need??? Adultery: dealbreaker! That's the bottom line and bye bye louse!
You will be covered under his insurance, I am sure, until you are divorced. I think that's how it works for military, also: until the papers are final, you are his wife. So even if you move out or he goes, you are still covered so not to worry.
Sometimes moving on and divorce is the best option and can you really live with a pathological liar and all his other cons?
But you NEED to understand that there truly is NO fixing this relationship. This man has no respect for you. This man has no respect for your religious beliefs. This man has no respect for your children. And if he did, he would not have done any of the things he has done.
In your relationship's infancy, he looked you in the face and lied to you about his sexual needs. He did that AFTER knowing about what you'd been through in your first marriage! He preached up and down about how he was against pornography...and he's been watching it all along. You unknowingly entered into a marriage based on FRAUD.
He doesn't respect you. And you can't trust him. Frankly, I don't see either of those things changing. You need to leave him. And file for divorce.
And when you've had enough time to be single (a few years), DON'T go looking for a relationship in the same place you found the 1st two schmucks.
Good luck. And hugs.
There is NO reason to stay in this marriage. You cannot change this man, your children will hurt, and your self-esteem will be pummeled.
You have every right to your beliefs. And heck, I would call the cops on him for child porn. Child porn is freakin' illegal, and it's not ok in any circumstances.
Most married men would not carry out flirtatious relationships, let alone cheat and lie.
YOU CANNOT CHANGE HIM. Who he is deeply rooted. You don't see the true extent of his nastiness now, but I guarantee you that he does not love you. People like this aren't capable of love. They want to be, but they are too messed up to truly altruistically care about another person, let alone love them. You've done nothing wrong, and everything is on him; how can you make him change what he is doing when he refuses to? You can't control another person.
God loves you. Please also love yourself-and find someone who genuinely shares your beliefs and your love of him.
The man you fell in love with doesn't exist. It was a sham, a scam, a con, an act.
I am curious, do you have any daughters ? If so, then that fact coupled with your strong religious beliefs against divorce could be why he targeted you.
Honestly, and I might get flamed for saying this, but the fact that you are willing to compromise your health and your children's well being all because you don't have the right feeling over leaving is really selfish.
Oh honey.... you say that you are worried you'll regret it. I can promise you that you'll regret every additional day you stay with him because it will be a total waste and stress in your life that could have been eliminated much sooner.
I hope you get out soon and live a happy and full life (on your own for a while).