Married Life
Dear Community,
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Re: I have problems, I can't get over my husbands ex
---- My stepmother said to me once "You can't help who you fall in love with." Original Poster, I completely understand your feelings. It made financial sense for you to move in with your H and I'm sure you didn't anticipate these feelings. The feelings may stay until you get your own place together. It's pretty normal. It's good that they don't haunt you and for time periods you can go without thinking about them. Good luck!
If it's really driving you crazy, there's no shame in breaking it off. It's sad, but better to break up with him now than live forever going nuts because you can't get over his ex.
I don't think there's anything he can do here. If he were to quit his job or sell his house over this then I'd be questioning his mental health and calling your relationship dysfunctional. He's done everything a rational person could do to make this situation better. Have you?
We aren't at the mercy of our feelings. I get that the jealous thoughts might pop up. But you choose whether to a) rationally talk yourself out of them or b) spin them into a neurotic froth and take a trip in crazyland. If you really feel like you have no control over that, try therapy. You can learn that self control.
He lied to me about her once, nothing big, but he bought some stuff from her kid and lied to me about it. He made up a story about purchasing stuff from some other girl's kid. This is why I find it hard to believe. It sucks, I don't think he would ever get back with her, at all. I am not worried about him cheating on me. What I do get upset about is if he is being dis honest with me about his life at work. I know its not fair for me to keep this which happened a long time ago but I t still is in my head. I still remember him lying to me about her. Yes its nothing big but a lie is a lie. I married him afterward yes. I just still remember him telling me that he has no relationship with this woman then find out he couldn't tell her no about buying something or at least be honest with me. It happened in the very beginning of our relationship so I let it go. But the memory of it hasn't gone away. Yes I am alittle obsessive and cant shake these things. I don't do well getting lied to and sadly I don't forget....
Well, it sounds like your gut is trying to protect you.
Is it right, or is it being obsessive? Because I find that when I can't let things go it's because a part of me, rational me, has a problem with them.
I would suggest therapy, if you can afford it. I can't remember if you commented on this earlier in the thread.
Yes perhaps... I did think about therapy, I did. After talking with my H we decided not to. Its just a group of small things that get to me and I cant shake. It all seems to stem from work. There is this other girl, his exs friend too that works with him. Her as well he lied about having a relationship. I have never told him that he cant be friends with anyone. But this one girl, in the beginning as well I feel that she was trying to make me look bad. Over time he told me this girl doesn't matter either and that he didn't talk with her, This was all before we got engaged. I believed him, yet he would still get texts ffrom her, wondering where he was, how his weekend went and such. I just happened to be there to see the texts, again not a big deal. Nothing wrong said, but just the fact that he said he didn't talk with the girl, yet she was wondering how his weekend was. Little things like this is why I cannot get over the work ex and all that .
All he says is has anything happened since we have been engaged/married. I say no, but still... I just hope I guess that he is not lying to me. I don't get why but being lied to kills me and makes me look horribly at a person. I don't know. I guess im just a little crazy when it comes to this....
Honestly, I don't think you're crazy. You have mistrust for your H because he lies to you. How can you trust someone who lies to you? That's not a problem with you, that's common sense. Even if they are small lies, I would not trust someone who kept lying to me either. What if he just got better at hiding it?
I would have a serious conversation with your H about small lies and how serious they are. Because people tend to hide the big lies better than the small lies-and if you know that he is fine lying to you, how can you trust him?
If he tends to hide things because you blow up, that is a serious issue you need to deal with.
But it's not cool that he lies to you. That is a problem with him. Not with you.
Okay, and that is exactly what I fear I guess... I do wonder if he is still doing whatever and I just am clueless. I can't change or know what he is doing at work, I have to just trust him. It hurts me that I can't trust him when it comes to this. The thing that sucks is I found out by snooping. I should not have, but I had a feeling and sadly it was right. He doesn't get the fact that I tell him that, that he lied over the same person more than once. And just that gets me too. We have talked about it, and all he can say is he has done nothing wrong since we have been engaged. True, or is it that I haven't "found out" anything? It is hard for me to trust people and he knew that already. I have always said if he's lying about this then what else is he hiding? I really could care less WHO he talks to as long as he isn't hiding it from me. I feel like this work stuff is the part of him I do not know and I think it kind of worries me.
The first two things that come to mind are:
1. He's cheating at least a little. Even if he's just flirting with the girls at work, if he feels the need to lie about it, then he knows he's over the line and doing something wrong.
2. He's afraid you're going to go ape sh?t over him even talking to her and wants to avoid the confrontation.
I'm not saying either of those are the case, but both of them were indicative of some major problems. Cheating is obviously bad. But hiding the truth just to avoid a fight means that your communication channels and trust are destroyed.
And what's all this about not going to therapy because you guys talked it over? You're having serious issues with sharing his life with the ghost of his ex. I do think that counseling for both of you is definitely called for because the new information points to extreme communication breakdowns. However, there's nothing stopping you from going to therapy alone. If the XW's house and stuff thing is really such a crazy big deal to you, I don't see why you (and he) wouldn't want you to go talk to someone and get over it. Unless it's a financial concern, which I can understand, but I'd still see if your insurance covers it or if you could find an inexpensive option just to talk out some of the issues.
Okay, I agree. I didn't understand why he lied. I was very open and I actually didn't really care at the time what was going on. I just always wanted him to be honest with me. I remember telling him that. He lied, it was before we got engaged. I know he could be still having these relations, but could it just be my feeling driving me crazy? He hasn't done anything wrong since then, but the feelings don't always go away. I want to know, should I just get over them and hope for the best instead of seeming like I am just trying to break us? Technically he has done no wrong since then. I mean, could he be being honest with me about it now, since we are forever? I want to believe him, I really do. But I feel that I did before and he stepped on my trust. over and over, it may not have been a big deal to him but it is to me.
I want to know, should I try to see the light of all of this and just try to be a good supportive wife? Should I try to trust him again? Should I try to just forget about what happened and try to look forward to what is happening now and what will happen???
Asewell, exactly... It has some about this house, but this house is just like a reminder of his lies I guess you can say.... The house is just a piece.. I do have anxiety problems now, which I never used to before. As I've gotten older things seem to get to me more than they used to. Boooo. It is the trustworthiness that bothers me. I want to believe him. I really do, but I just find it hard to. As some of the other people said, I think I need to stop and just sit back and hope he is not doing this, lies, and just enjoy life. I have been so obsessed with the thought that I think he may still be lying to me that its making my life miserable. I need to teach myself to chill out and quit letting my head think so much about things that may not be going on anymore. If I do end up catching him in a lie or whatever, then I will deal with it. As of now, I need to just trust my husband and hope for the best. Since that is what we got married for , so we can enjoy eachother forever as husband and wife...
This exactly
That said, it would bother the crap out of me if my husband worked with his ex! I make no secret about being a jealous person, pretty much since I was a toddler, and that would drive me insane. And what's a forum like this for, if not to vent about those feelings?
Obviously though, you can't just ask him to quit his job and abandon his house. If he understands your place, maybe you can help him keep his feelers out for a new job. Make sure his Linkedin profile is up to date, his resume is available online, and do your own weekly checking on craiglist, Monster, Indeed, SimplyHired, etc. Finding a better job never hurt anybody.
With the house, my husband moved in to my house after I lived in it with my ex, and he definitely experienced those feelings. Once he moved a dresser drawer and found a bunch of my ex's clothing. Another time he was cataloging photos from CDs and found a bunch of photos of him. He just comes up when you least expect it. You could potentially rent it out, but sometimes the market doesn't allow for it. I don't blame you for not wanting to share a space with her, when you're already sharing your husband's time. New paint, photos up of you both, and creating other new memories together can help. Good luck.
After reading everything, I think that even if your H finds a new job, you will still have the same issues. I would highly suggest you find a better therapist for yourself.
I moved into my H's house, that he bought with his ex-wife, then after they divorced his ex girlfriend lived there. He has a kid with both woman... he has to interact with them on a regular basis and yea, I didn't love his house, but I did some renovations, painting and brough in my furniture and it was fine.
The therapist will help you find ways to deal with your jealousy (that is what it sounds like to me). If you don't, you could ruin your marriage and drive this "wonderful" guy away.
GL!
Okay, I am fine with letting this go. I have worked on it. I still am. As of now, I have been trying to be supportive of his job, trying to get a feel and understand what it is exactly he does. We still are learning. The thing I think why these things do not get dropped is he freaks out anytime I ask him any sort of question at all about work. I mean anything. I will ask him how his day went, and how a meeting went or whatever, where he had to go and he flips out on me. I am trying to talk with my H about is day and about his job. I want to be a supportive wife when it comes to everything. I want him to be able to talk with me about work, about people he works with and all that.
Why does he still get so defensive when I am getting over this hump and I am trying to move forward. He keeps these things fresh in my mind. I will ask about something so innocent, totally normal types of things that people talk about and he gets so upset. How do we move past this when I am trying and he is still on the defensive side? How can we communicate when he wont let it be a conversation and he needs to cause an argument about anything I ask about work? I want to be a part of that part of his life, in some aspect. I would love to know more about that part of his life and not feel so far away.. Does that make me an insecure woman? I mean, is there something wrong with what I am doing here???