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Is this inappropriate?
This woman who worked with my DH for a few years started texting him recently. She is texting him every single day, multiple times. She is also married. I told him she is interested in him and he didn't believe me.
He went and got coffee with her about a week ago while I was at work (I work late into the evening a few days a week). When he came back he said, "you were right." He told her that I thought she liked him and she admitted it. But that since they were both married she wasn't expecting anything to happen.
She is still texting him every day, and he texts her back, sometimes while he is with me. The content of the texts is not anything I am concerned about, and I don't believe he'd ever cheat on me with anyone, let alone her, but I just don't think it's appropriate form her to be texting my husband all the time, or for him to be engaging in it.
I told him that I am not going to tell him who he can and can't be friends with but that I am extremely uncomfortable with this. Am I out of line?
He went and got coffee with her about a week ago while I was at work (I work late into the evening a few days a week). When he came back he said, "you were right." He told her that I thought she liked him and she admitted it. But that since they were both married she wasn't expecting anything to happen.
She is still texting him every day, and he texts her back, sometimes while he is with me. The content of the texts is not anything I am concerned about, and I don't believe he'd ever cheat on me with anyone, let alone her, but I just don't think it's appropriate form her to be texting my husband all the time, or for him to be engaging in it.
I told him that I am not going to tell him who he can and can't be friends with but that I am extremely uncomfortable with this. Am I out of line?
Re: Is this inappropriate?
He says he wouldn't care because he trusts me, but I guess we'll never know since I would not feel right about it at all and wouldn't ever do that. Both of us have other friends of the opposite sex, including exes, and I do not have an issue with that. But neither of us are texting/talking to them daily.
He said he would stop texting her back when he is with me because he understands why that bothers me.
Baby Boy loved for 15 weeks, 5/31/11
Baby Girl loved for 16.5 weeks. 3/1/12
He says he is just tired of hanging around the apartment alone when I am at work in the evenings. I said, "Fine, go do stuff with literally any of your other friends."
We are in counseling every week and I feel like it's just not enough time to deal with all of the crap we are currently going through. I guess I just have to pick my battles here.
I'm sorry, that's really crappy behavior on his part. I hope this doesn't sound mean, but do you think that because he's terminally ill he thinks you'll just have to put up with all of his behavior and not complain? To me, it sounds like he might be counting on your sympathy for his illness and really milking it for all it's worth. Your situation is tough, but I think you should treat it the way you would if you thought he'd be around for years and years. You still have the right to be treated properly and you have the right to leave. I know it can't be easy though. I feel for you.
He is concerned about how to break the news to her without making me sound like a crazy possessive bitch. He doesn't want me coming across that way because he doesn't think I am one. There is a lot of stuff going on in the background that she doesn't know about and doesn't need to know about. I offered to send her a threatening message over Facebook, which he declined. (That was a joke, BTW)
I told him I do not expect him to never see or talk to her again because he often hangs out with his coworkers and some former coworkers in groups and she is often there. And that would just be crazy. But I told him his level of involvement with her needed to be scaled way way back. No more daily texting and no more hanging out with just her.
He said he felt that by being totally open and honest with me about the friendship with me that that would be enough for me to feel OK with it, but since it's not he is willing to let it go. He was worried I was going to start finding reasons to not like other friends of his as well, and I told him that I had no intention of doing that and have never had reservations about anyone else he is friends with.
All in all I think the conversation went really well and he handled himself with respect and maturity.
But anyway, it's over and done with and now we can focus our energy on all the other massive problems we have.
The fact that it looks like he 'broke up' with a girl instead of fading out a meaningless acquaintance and he passive aggressively guilt-tripped you are big red waving flags.
It's almost a template for resurfacing covert contact.
Their is nothing you can do about his choices, just prepare yourself, be aware so you won't feel blindsided.
"This is the last thing I'm going to say about the whole XXXX thing, because I'm sick of talking about it, and none of the talking is productive. You want to know what I said to her? I told her the truth. I made every attempt to try to put your position in a good light, but I also made it clear that didn't agree with your stance because nothing had happened between us. She didn't take it well, because she didn't understand why you would have an issue when she hadn't really done anything. I tend to agree with that, but ultimately I did this not because I agree with you but because I value our relationship. I will not put myself in this situation again."
Honestly right now I just feel like I've been slapped in the face. He never used to be like this. I don't know how much more of this I can take.
He liked the attention from her, wants to interact with her and is willing to try to discredit you in order to make himself look good and feel better about his actions.
Look at NOT JUST FRIENDS by Shirley Glass to help you out.
You are probably going to go 'round and 'round about this with him. I wouldn't try to argue the point. Be confident in yourself and your boundaries. Calmly call him out when he is trying to manipulate you or dig at your sore spots.
Just go on focusing on the more important matters at hand while realizing that this 'situation' probably will turn up later in the form of a burner phone, Skyping, etc. Prepare yourself for what you are prepared to do.
So instead of manning up and supporting his wife, he chose to throw you under the bus and blame everything on you? And how exactly does he think that's going to work, other than to reassure the other woman that he still wants to talk, and now making you out to be a crazy b wife?! That's totally unfair, immature and still leaves the door wide open between them. And the whole "it's not inappropriate because nothing happened" argument is such BS. They don't have to have sex for it to be inappropriate. Her expressing interest was inappropriate. Him continuing to see her knowing that is inappropriate. Him telling her that they can't talk because of you is inappropriate. I don't know your mental health status, but I think your DH is messing with your brain in order to do whatever he wants. He has to make you look crazy in order for him to look innocent. Please don't fall for it! You know what he's doing is wrong, even if he'll never admit it. You need to act in your own best interest. Wishing you the best.
He basically said that he admits held partly at fault for the difficulties in our relationship, but he wishes that I would acknowledge my part in this as well. And he is not wrong about that. He said he will do whatever he can to work on his shit but I need help that he is not able to provide. I have to be willing to work on my own shit as well.
We talked about it when he came home from work some more. I feel like he at least somewhat understands where I am coming from now. I am not saying it's all going to be just fine because we still have lots of things to deal with and work through. But I don't have any reason to think I can't trust him here.
I'm sorry but I think the fact that he's sick and has no sex life makes this whole thing with the other woman worse, not better. He's having an affair. He's just not having a physical one because he's not physically able to. I'm sorry he's so sick but that is NOT an excuse to shit on your marriage.
The friendship with her is still done, and he has a better understanding of my position now. Why did he bring up the medication? Because I told him that I was tired of feeling hurt by him. He said that while he agreed that he had made mistakes that I have had my own part in our marriage troubles recently, and he needed me to get help with my own issues as well.
I agree that having no sex life right now made this worse for me. His antidepressants, plus all of his other medical issues have reduced his sex drive to zero. Even if he wanted to, he is physically unable to get any kind of erection or have an orgasm.
He is not having an affair, emotional or otherwise. I know what they were texting about. He never lied to me about anything or hid anything from me. I have no reason to believe he would start. At any rate she is royally pissed off about the whole thing, and doesn't want to be friends with him anymore either.
Really, what is in this for you? No sex, this bullshit, and you're also now his caretaker for both mental illness and end of life care?
OP, I think you are missing the point people are trying to make here entirely.
This is a typical redirecting blame when the person gets caught acting inappropriately tactic. Your H doesn't want to accept responsibility for his very VERY inappropriate actions and therefore is turning it around on you like you are the problem here. You are not the problem - he is.
You hear that?
YOU. ARE. NOT. THE. PROBLEM.
Okay, so maybe you've struggled with mental illness and need medication for that BUT that does not excuse your H's very inappropriate and assholish behavior and also, I think it's really fucked up that he is turning this around on you now in a lame attempt to absolve him of any wrong doing. Do not let him do this.
Sorry, but your H sounds like a real jerkoff.