Just to give you some perspective on where DH is coming from on this, a month after we got married I had to go to Portland for a few days for a family thing. One of my friends from college lives there, and my DH knows that this friend and I had had a prolonged sexual relationship in which he was cheating on his girlfriend with me. This friend offered to let me stay in his spare room while I was there. I told my husband about the offer and told him I wasn't going to take him up. He said, "Why not?" And I said because I didn't want him to worry about it or feel uncomfortable. He said, "Well, I don't feel uncomfortable about it." I said, "Why not?" And he said, "Because I trust you."
I did wind up staying with this guy after all because space was really limited at my aunt's house and other family members were staying with her too. DH had the opportunity to come with me, and didn't. If he ever worried about anything inappropriate happening he sure didn't let on. He saw nothing wrong with me staying at this guy's house. When I told one of our other mutual friends from college where I was staying his response was, WTF. He couldn't believe DH was fine with it.
He realizes now that my lines are in different places than his, and is able to respect that. Just because he would be fine with me doing X doesn't mean I would be fine with him doing the same thing, nor does it mean I don't trust him.
He is not redirecting any blame. He is taking responsibility for his part in this, and is asking that I take responsibility for my role also. I am not seeing how that is a bad thing, because you know what? I am not innocent here either. I have been putting a huge strain on the relationship and when he directly asked me to get help I put it off and ignored him.
I am just not seeing where he has somehow effed things up beyond repair. He has been 100% honest with me from day one. He has ended the friendship even though he didn't understand why it bothered me, and we are both committed to moving forward and dealing with our other issues. I think the "what's in it for me" attitude is a pretty crappy one to take. You don't just dump your spouse the moment things get tough. I don't care about the no sex, but I do want the affection back. There has never been any sex. I knew about it within the first month of dating him. If it were a deal breaker I'd have never stayed involved.
What, exactly, was your role in this? Because it sounds like he had an inappropriate relationship, was shitty to you about it, then humiliated you by shaming you to this woman. Where in here do you think you were at fault?
You know, I think at this point it is best if I just end this conversation here and continue working on this and other issues directly with DH and our counselor.
Also, in reading back over this I do not know why some of you are insisting that:
1) I am excusing what he did. 2) That he has not and will not accept responsibility for it. 3) That I am not holding him responsible.
If you have to ask what I have done wrong here then you obviously have never had to live with a mentally ill person who is refusing to get treatment. I have, and it fucking sucks. Looking back it was wrong of me to put him through that. He's been much more patient with me than I'd have been in his shoes, and what he was asking of me was not unreasonable in the slightest. He understands why I hate being on medication, seeing as how he deals with it every day himself, and he hesitated to even bring it up because of that. Just because he did one shitty thing that does not mean he has no right to voice his concerns again, after having them ignored for months. That is not equitable. I don't know how in the holy fuck, "I will do my part to rectify this, but I need you to do you part too" turns into "It's your fault I did this, because you are crazy." Some of you all are so far off base it's not even funny. Thus this thread has ceased to be helpful to me. Some of you seriously need to check your arrogance.
I've been struggling with anxiety and depression for 15 years. I met my H 3 years in and he's stood by me for the last 12. Through being on meds, being off meds, seeking treatment, refusing treatment and more counselors and psychiatrists than I can count. He never once used it against me during an argument about appropriate boundaries in marriage. Because that would make him a huge dickwad.
The problem here is that after breaking this thing (If you refuse to call it an affair, which I still strongly believe it is, call it a thing. Whatever.) off, you said yourself it felt like he was laying a giant guilt trip on you and basically bitched about you to the woman who was the PROBLEM in the first place. Pretend he never said a damn thing about needing meds again. Just concentrate on the fact that he made YOU feel guilty about asking him to stop HIS inappropriate behavior and then had the nerve to talk shit about you to the woman he should have cut off immediately in the first place without you ever having to ask. That's just a horrible thing to do to your wife. Whether or not he's sick. Whether or not you're sick. It's just a flat out horrible thing to do. He seems manipulative and like he uses your mental health issues to his advantage so he can get away with shit other married men couldn't do. There's something really wrong with that.
I'm not saying you need to divorce him and that seeking therapy isn't a good idea. I'm just not convinced the therapist you're using right now is the right one if they have you thinking your H isn't being an asshole and treating you like crap.
I agree with Kimbus. Obviously you're the only one who knows how the relationship feels and what you're willing to put up with. However, you did come here because you were hurt, and from what you've described, it sounds like you had good reason to be upset and hurt. Your DH shouldn't be engaging in friendships where one person is romantically interested and when he knows you're uncomfortable. I'm glad he cut it off, but I think he could have done it without making YOU the bad guy and letting her know it was against his will.
I'm glad you're feeling more positive, and I hope you will seek counselling with and/or without your DH. I still think you we're right to be upset in the first place. Wishing you the best.
Wow. He sounds shady. Protect yourself and protect your assets. And if you guys don't get things figured out, be ready to find someone worth your time.
I can see how not getting treatment for mental illness would be bad for your marriage, yes. But what does that have to do with this very specific shady thing your husband was doing, and the even shadier thing he did when breaking off the friendship?
The reason people, myself included, are saying that he seems like an irreparable jerk and you're letting him off the hook is that he's bringing something completely irrelevant (your mental illness) into this argument and saying that you're both wrong, so oh well, no one needs to have any consequences. This is manipulative and cruel, and the fact that you're agreeing to this irrelevant false equivalence means that he has you completely snowed.
I can see how not getting treatment for mental illness would be bad for your marriage, yes. But what does that have to do with this very specific shady thing your husband was doing, and the even shadier thing he did when breaking off the friendship?
The reason people, myself included, are saying that he seems like an irreparable jerk and you're letting him off the hook is that he's bringing something completely irrelevant (your mental illness) into this argument and saying that you're both wrong, so oh well, no one needs to have any consequences. This is manipulative and cruel, and the fact that you're agreeing to this irrelevant false equivalence means that he has you completely snowed.
I'm with Kuus. You've been talking about how crappy this guy treats you for months now. What exactly do you want us to do? Pet your head and say, woah is you? Sorry, that's not going to happen here.
Re: Is this inappropriate?
I did wind up staying with this guy after all because space was really limited at my aunt's house and other family members were staying with her too. DH had the opportunity to come with me, and didn't. If he ever worried about anything inappropriate happening he sure didn't let on. He saw nothing wrong with me staying at this guy's house. When I told one of our other mutual friends from college where I was staying his response was, WTF. He couldn't believe DH was fine with it.
He realizes now that my lines are in different places than his, and is able to respect that. Just because he would be fine with me doing X doesn't mean I would be fine with him doing the same thing, nor does it mean I don't trust him.
He is not redirecting any blame. He is taking responsibility for his part in this, and is asking that I take responsibility for my role also. I am not seeing how that is a bad thing, because you know what? I am not innocent here either. I have been putting a huge strain on the relationship and when he directly asked me to get help I put it off and ignored him.
I am just not seeing where he has somehow effed things up beyond repair. He has been 100% honest with me from day one. He has ended the friendship even though he didn't understand why it bothered me, and we are both committed to moving forward and dealing with our other issues. I think the "what's in it for me" attitude is a pretty crappy one to take. You don't just dump your spouse the moment things get tough. I don't care about the no sex, but I do want the affection back. There has never been any sex. I knew about it within the first month of dating him. If it were a deal breaker I'd have never stayed involved.
http://thatbadadvice.tumblr.com/
1) I am excusing what he did.
2) That he has not and will not accept responsibility for it.
3) That I am not holding him responsible.
If you have to ask what I have done wrong here then you obviously have never had to live with a mentally ill person who is refusing to get treatment. I have, and it fucking sucks. Looking back it was wrong of me to put him through that. He's been much more patient with me than I'd have been in his shoes, and what he was asking of me was not unreasonable in the slightest. He understands why I hate being on medication, seeing as how he deals with it every day himself, and he hesitated to even bring it up because of that. Just because he did one shitty thing that does not mean he has no right to voice his concerns again, after having them ignored for months. That is not equitable. I don't know how in the holy fuck, "I will do my part to rectify this, but I need you to do you part too" turns into "It's your fault I did this, because you are crazy." Some of you all are so far off base it's not even funny. Thus this thread has ceased to be helpful to me. Some of you seriously need to check your arrogance.
The problem here is that after breaking this thing (If you refuse to call it an affair, which I still strongly believe it is, call it a thing. Whatever.) off, you said yourself it felt like he was laying a giant guilt trip on you and basically bitched about you to the woman who was the PROBLEM in the first place. Pretend he never said a damn thing about needing meds again. Just concentrate on the fact that he made YOU feel guilty about asking him to stop HIS inappropriate behavior and then had the nerve to talk shit about you to the woman he should have cut off immediately in the first place without you ever having to ask. That's just a horrible thing to do to your wife. Whether or not he's sick. Whether or not you're sick. It's just a flat out horrible thing to do. He seems manipulative and like he uses your mental health issues to his advantage so he can get away with shit other married men couldn't do. There's something really wrong with that.
I'm not saying you need to divorce him and that seeking therapy isn't a good idea. I'm just not convinced the therapist you're using right now is the right one if they have you thinking your H isn't being an asshole and treating you like crap.
Wow. He sounds shady. Protect yourself and protect your assets. And if you guys don't get things figured out, be ready to find someone worth your time.
The reason people, myself included, are saying that he seems like an irreparable jerk and you're letting him off the hook is that he's bringing something completely irrelevant (your mental illness) into this argument and saying that you're both wrong, so oh well, no one needs to have any consequences. This is manipulative and cruel, and the fact that you're agreeing to this irrelevant false equivalence means that he has you completely snowed.