Sex & Romance
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
LIES && PORN
Iv caught my husband lying about watching porn a few time, he has lied to my face and told me he didn't and later that day I find out he did. It makes me feel so horrible about myself, everyday i think he is doing it because he has lied too many times about it. I know guys do it cause there guys but its the thought of him "imaging having sex with someone else" he tells me that's not what he thinks when he does it... but how is it not? Am i suppose to forget about it cause hes a "guy" and that's what guys do? How do other married woman deal with this? He has told me he will never do it again but he has told me this once before.
Re: LIES && PORN
I feel like this is such a grey area. I understand you being upset. I have also struggled to accept this with my SO. I understand that guys are just visual, and he has no real connection to any of the women he is looking it, and I really don't need/want him to stop watching it, necessarily. It's more of a lack of confidence in myself. How can I ever compare to those women who have sex professionally!? That being said, since it bothered me FI stopped watching it. The deal we have is that I'm open to doing the deed whenever he wants it and he won't ever NEED porn. That way we're both happy.
Much of your posts places you in considerable ignorance about men and how they think about women and sex......
The danger here is that you will eventually destroy your marriage by your increasing bitterness and resentment. If your husband did NOT care about you and how you feel he would not have told you "lies". Frankly, you need to 'wise-up' and get a bit cleverer about how you deal with your man.
ALL healthy normal men look at women and they ALL imagine some kind of sexual activity when they do. This in turn makes men very susceptible to the tidal wave of porn that currently washes around western countries....However, you are entirely wrong in thinking that because he looks at something it must mean that it is "clearly more attractive" than you are!!....you are a real live woman with a mind and body so don't waste your grief worrying about women in porn......
.....Get clever and ask hime what he most enjoys about things he looks at,...find out about your 'inner man' and how he ticks about sex and arousal....learn to use his likes and inclinations even if they seem divergent from your own persona. Lastly, give him (and you) a break and try to understand that he is only human and that as much as he loves you he sometimes has different thoughts about sexuality. You can either use this to get closer to him or you can let it destroy your relationship but I greatly doubt if you can actually stop his inner thoughts and needs......
Good luck!
Its hard to not think its about the woman and "imanging having sex with someone else" because thats how i see it someone else other then me is turning him on and it hurts alot, i use to be sucure about myself and it seems im broken.
Why aren't you more concerned about his lying???
The fact he is lying is your problem; the porn watching is a lesser one.
He needs to cut the shit with lying. If he lies to you about what he is watching, then what else might he be lying about?
Lying is immature and also a sign of insecurity -- he may also be developing a pathological lying problem. Nip this in the bud NOW. GL.
This goes for just about any relationship -- a marriage in particular.
This guy needs therapy and fast.
If I were you:
Tell him that he is to start therapy for the lying --- I suggest he get a good psychologist if not a psychiatrist -- and that he is to go, no questions asked and KEEP going or else that will be the end of the marriage.
I would not tolerate lying if I were you.
Be prepared to stand behind your ultimatum. This guy isn't worth your little toe at this point.
What he lied about is meaningless at this point. That he is lying about what he's done and lying, you say, about other things, is very bad news.
Your problem is lying, not porn. Get thee to a therapist.
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He is lying.
And he continues to do so.
ZERO TOLERANCE.
This guy needs a psychiatrist's evaluation --- he possibly needs meds also for his problem -- and the lying has to end now.
No amount of promises will end the lying. I have a sibling who has been doing this for years --- patholgically lying since about 7th grade -- and my mother never got him to a shrink to get it to stop.
Don't ask what the results of that has been. The guy is now in his 50s and he lies about just about anything you can name.
This is a sickness. His lying has to end --- give serious thought to giving him an ultimatum to get help or you are out.
He is not a good example for kids because he lies. Do you want your kids to be subject to coming into a home where there is mistrust and a shaky marriage because of their father's habitual lying? I do not think you do.
This shit and the pain he puts you through will only worsen. There is already mistrust galore in your "relationship" with him and that mistrust will deepen and there eventually will be resentment for him that will be so thick you need an atomic bomb to blast through it.
And therapy for you, stat. YOu need it because of the lying and because he possibly has a psychological basis for the lying.
You also need to learn how to stand up to this guy. Wishing you luck.
Yes i believe the lying has got to stop he knows that it just makes everything 10x worst.
Have the balls to give him that ultimatum: either he gets help from a shrink to end the lying or you are history and out the door and YOU FILE.
Maybe if he sees that no help means the end of his marriage he will get his ass in gear pronto.
If he doesn't, he's made his choice more or less.
Getting to a shrink is one thing; I have no idea how you are going to rebuild trust between the 2 of you. He's decimated that, thanks to his lying.
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And it will also make your marriage ill. You already cannot trust him and you are trusting him less with each lie he is telling.
He needs to get help now for his lying problem --- again, give serious thought to what I said about telling him "it's me or getting help for your lying." He needs professional help. Promising you that it will not happen again is no guarantee.
Look, lots of guys lie about porn. Usually ones who think their SO will act completely irrationally if they find out about it. I'm not saying that justifies lying. But they see it as equivalent to saying "No. I didn't spend any money this week." to avoid an argument when actually they stopped and spend $2 on a cup of coffee. That's not even remotely on the same plane as lying about seeing an ex or something. Guys (and most women I'd venture to guess) don't think porn is a big deal. So lying about it to avoid an argument isn't a big deal either. I don't always tell my H when I buy a new shirt because I know he'll grumble about the $10 but I do the banking and know when we can and can't afford that type of stuff. I don't think that means we need marriage counseling.
OP, I suggested a therapist because you guys have a COMMUNICATION issue that has lead to your SO feeling like lying is his best bet, not because lying about one thing makes you a pathological liar in need of professional help.
The OP says he is LYING and doing quite a bit of it, from her indication.
it does not matter what he lied about: watching porn or whatever it is: the point is that he is lying -- and it's happening too too much.
This needs to be stopped right now before it worsens. As i said, I know of somebody who has been doing it for years on end. He's a mess and this guy is, also, just for the fact of the matter that his lying has already killed the trust his wife has for him.
Continual lying is a sickness. This is why I said he needs an intervention and an evaluation. And possibly medication.
you missed the whole point of her post and my reply:
Lying is intolerable. And he's been doing a lot of it.
And as somebody else pointed out, who knows what else he is lying about? Women, what he does with money, about where he goes?
Lying will destroy any relationship and theirs is being destroyed pretty rapidly. His bullshit has to stop.
I don't believe most people are imagining themselves having sex with someone else while watching porn. I've watched and I've never had that fantasy. For me it's simply the imagery. It's exciting and triggers a physical response. But there is no emotional draw, no desire to have sex with the people involved. My husband watches too - most times we watch together - and he has said the same thing. I'm a firm believer that everyone - including your spouse - is entitled to some privacy and to explore their sexuality as an individual.
That said, your husband should not be lying to you about it. But - if he were to come clean, be honest, how would you react? I'm not condoning his behavior at all. It sounds like he's taking the path of least resistance - he's lying to not upset you and keep his ass out of trouble. Still wrong, just something to consider.
You say your sex-life isn't good. I don't know what came first - him watching making you insecure and you withdrawing from sex. Or you being inherently insecure, withdrawing from sex, and him seeking out that stimulation elsewhere. Either way you guys have to be honest and tackle this issue head on.
I strongly suggest you both speak with a counselor or sex therapist. Your sex life is clearly struggling and it's such an important part of a relationship. You both need that intimacy. I also think he needs to be honest with you about the role porn plays in his life. Something has to give here. He has to be honest, you have to work on your personal issues, you both have to work on your sex life together.... it seems you guys hit a wall and neither of you are taking the steps to rectify this massive problem that's going on. NUT UP and start working on a solution.
Good luck!
My H is insane about not microwaving in plastic. Sometimes I'm too lazy to take leftovers out of tupperware before I heat them up. If he asks I usually go, "Oh, yeah. I put them on the plate first." I'm doing it because I don' t want to have a 30 minute argument about why my microwave will or will not give us cancer, not because I'm a pathological liar who needs a shrink. It's a minor issue. It doesn't need to be blown up into something huge. My point is that OP's H may be thinking about porn in the same way. Lying about one minor thing does not mean you're lying about everything else.
Honestly I feel like the only response you ever give to relationship things is "This is not acceptable. Get out. It's going to get worse." Sometimes that's true. And sometimes you're just making a mountain out of a mole hill. Not every little thing is a sign of doom.