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Pictures of His Ex
I know many women have run into this problem with their Husband or Boyfriend, I honestly feel this case is different. My Husband and his ex broke up with him almost four years ago, over three and a half years ago she was killed. I understand they were close and had known each other for a long time. Recently my Husband got his laptop up and running and decided to go threw his old pictures while sitting right next to me. I can't count how many pictures he has of them together and her alone. More than enough of those pictures were of them cuddled up in bed or wrapped up in each others arms. I have tried to look past this and understand the situation. Tonight was all I could handle though I was looking for somewhere safe to put something and opened a box in our dresser only to find what looked like a prom picture of them. Have you this was an easily accessible location.
Now to cover a few things I have seen come up in the other forums I was looking for advise in. I personally don't save pictures of myself and my ex's, I don't see a point in hanging onto the past. I do have old prom photos, the professional ones I paid for but those are in a box in a box in our storage room. I don't care to look at them. Another thing is that I have talked to him about hanging on to her. When we first started dating him and his friends constantly talked about her, things that had happened between them, and even intimate stuff. (Nutshell story this girl got a round a bit. My Husband's best friends are her former ex's as well. Her ex-husband was the best man at our wedding. You could say she brought them all together.) I finally had a little too much to drink one night and voiced my opinion and feelings on all the chatter. We all know and agree that if she were still alive she would have tired very hard to come between us.
I really want to talk to my husband about all of this but I realize that this is also a very sensitive situation. I can understand a few photos but the ones of them cuddling, wrapped up in each other, or the Love Letters he has saved I can't. I don't save love letters, I burned them! I just need advice on how to handle this. We have been married for just shy of two years and I just don't know how to address something that could be so sensitive.
Thanks for reading my rant and plea for help.
Re: Pictures of His Ex
This is definitely a tricky situation. I used to have issues with ex pictures, but when I met my now FI, I didn't have issues with his keeping a few pictures around. Granted, there are very few and it might have bothered me if I was constantly finding things! The difference in my opinion is that I trust that he's over his past relationships and only wants to be with me.
Which leads me to part 2 of what I think. It seems like you feel he still harbors romantic feelings towards this girl. True? I think you just need to talk to him about it. Ask why he keeps so many memories of her. Losing her, even though they were broken up, was probably really traumatizing and probably a big reason he still keeps so much. That doesn't mean he's still hung up on her. Maybe you could ask him to put all these pictures and keepsakes in a box and store them somewhere that you're not constantly being reminded of her. That way you can both move on without losing the memories of his past.
And all these pictures - were they ONLY of her/ her and him, or were there other pictures from his past, some that had nothing to do w/ her?
I really have never understood this concept of wanting to make someone get rid of pictures. You do realize that you aren't getting rid of the memories, right? He has stuff in his head that you can't make him "throw out"?
As a PP said - people deal w/ their past in different ways. If it was cathartic for you to get rid of all pics having to do w/ exes, then good for you. But if that isn't what he wants to do - respect that.
Now- if he's looking at these pics daily and "reliving the past", I may change my opinion. But just having them saved somewhere on his PC - I don't see the big deal.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I know of a guy who has done exactly this. He has photos of an ex gf hanging in his home and he refuses to remove them. His current gf doesn't get it that there is a problem that he insists on these photos being so prominent in his home but that's another story.
These are mememtoes and keepsakes. If he's got a million photos of her and him tucked away in a box and they stay there, what's the problem? I see none.
Don't insist he destroy them. That would be way out of line and you'd be in the wrong.
I agree with the first poster everyone deals with things differently and in this case it wasn't just a break up it was a loss. Also what I got from you post was that he hadn't been using that laptop and then decided to get it running again and thought he'd go through his old photos. To me it would be irrational of you to assume there wouldn't be pictures in a old drive from there relationship. And if they were HS sweethearts she was probably in his life for quite some time so getting rid of all photos isn't going to be an option for him. My H and his EX wife were together for 14yrs and I would never ask him to get rid of the pictures of her. Do I like them NO but he isn't flunting them in front in me as I get your husband isn't eithier.
@lotustone
Wow, if you're going to choose to use quotes of peoples responses it's important that you learn to read carefully and try not to make such an effort to take things out of context. As to your last paragraph, are you making a joke? sarcasm? In any case, it's unnecessary.
I think your best bet is to have and honest and open convo with your H. Tell him your thoughts and feelings but not what you do or would do with the items. I would ask him why the pictures of prom are in that drawer. I find that to be odd, in a box in his closet not so much.
I have to ask, with his past and entanglement with this EX of his, why did you marry him? Is all this something new that has come up? Have you asked them about their history, relationship and break up?
Thanks for the advice! Oh and yes for the first few months it was like living with a ghost. Far too often she was what my H and his friends/brothers talked about. In that time I was able to figure out that she was a psychotic nympho whom cheated on my H with her ex H going as far as "seeing" them both in one day. I understand he wanted to date her for a good number of years, but they were together maybe 8 months before she left him. Either way she is gone.
Again thank you for the advice and your time.
IDK. This, combined with him looking at snuggly bed pictures of her in front of you, this is too much over the top baggage.
It sounds like it's more than just photos bugging you then. It's very rude for his friends to be talking about her (and her sex life) with your DH and you. I sure hope they've stopped doing that. There's no way you need that much detail about your DH's past and sex with other people. I don't blame you for being cheesed about that. I hope you do talk to him, and that he can put his memories a little further away, where you don't have to see and hear about them. Good luck.
I get that it's hard. But chances are when he looks at the pictures he remembers the fun they had together, the people she brought into his life that are still there and thankful for all of that. This may sound crazy, but why make a small photo album for him as a keep sake so he can delete those pictures off the computer. This way when he is having a moment where he wants to remember some old times, he can just pull that out for a few moments. He is probably less likely to do that then to keep looking at them whenever he opens the computer.
At the very least, if you notice him looking at the photos alot, just say, I notice you've been looking at her pictures a lot lately, are you ok?
The ex was determined to get get out of her parents house asap and become a soccer mom.
She met and married another guy who was looking for a wife asap to keep house and help with the family business in less than seven months.
DH and her found out that each other had misunderstood each other before she married but she had nice ring and a fantastic house waiting for her. She married the new guy anyways. "A bird in hand is worth two in the bush".
It was a tender spot for DH, kind of like a deep thorn or sliver that usually did not hurt unless poked the wrong way.
DH ran across her a few years later and she was crammed into an apartment above the store. While we had worked our way up from living in the basement of our own house. To having a pool and a nanny. DH actually did his best to not rub it in and was a perfect gentleman but she sniffled and stamped her foot. Something changed and he seen her differently after that and he was less bothered.
DH and eldest son ran across her again about three years ago.ex looked our son from head to toe and appeared for 2 seconds that she wanted to bed our teen boy. The ex and her husband are loaded with $$$ again. We are doing good too. DH and ex appeared all friendly but later he seemed as relieved as a pricked dog that had the last porcupine quill pulled. DH appears to miss the ex now about as much as he misses a kick to the groin.
Don't get me wrong the ex is a hard working, nice polite, smart decent church going women with a son starting out as a missionary.
Just wish he had got it out of his system years ago.
Wish you well, men can be such dumb *sses.
The past is the past and we are together now. But those relationships made him who he is just like mine made me who I am. If I were the type to take pics of myself prior to 2004, I would have no issue posting pics of myself with exes. What I am saying is that you can't change or compete with the past so why let it bother you. I don't think it is fair to expect someone to get rid of pics from their past. It happened.
Btw, I don't have pics of me and my exes cause I didn't take any but I do have all the letters and romantic cards they wrote me. They were an important part of my life and it would be very unfair for my husband to expect me to get rid of them. The most I would say is acceptable is ask that they not be where you can view them if it bothers you that much to see them.