What is "offensive " long

CincodeMayoLove · September 2013

I feel this word commonly gets overused on the interwebz, most notably this board at times. I want to start by saying it takes a lot to offend me. But I'd like to make a PSA about things that do offend me in case anyone was curious. Please add yours to the list if you feel so moved:

Not offensive? Calling some one out for being dumb. Saying any cuss word, even directed to me, doesn't offend me. Making fun of me for just about anything, because it's probably true! Talking about vaginas and penises not offensive. Hearing happy pg announcements not offensive. Having differing opinions: not offensive.

1) never make fun of anyone with special needs. Ever. This includes throwing around the word "retarded" when you mean "stupid" "dumb" "slow". Unless of course you use it to correctly mean slow as in "his growth was retarted" etc. if you do this, it will offend me.
2) Your race, size, wealth do not make you superior to others. You can still be kind and understanding to others who are different than you. Comments that indicate your superiority because of any of these things offends me.
3) in life, but most notably this board for the sole reason you should all be educated in this matter, saying "sorry" when someone chooses to pursue the blessing of adoption, and making fun of men who do not have superior sperm, and otherwise comments that show you have learned nothing from your time on this board offend me. The ENTIRE reason that I am still here on this board instead of just keeping in contact with the dozen or so ladies I care about, is to educate and help spread the word on fertility and infertility and make the world a better place for us infertiles. One changed mind at a time. I don't want people to tiptoe. I don't want people to not stop joking and having fun. I do think its appropriate to know your audience and think about what you are saying before you say it.

Eta for better wording

*drops the mic and c walks on outta this bitch.*

CincodeMayoLove · September 2013

Dup

Aimothy · September 2013

I've stopped speaking to my SIL because she posted a parody picture of Green Eggs and Ham, entitled Stale Eggs and Sperm. I have NO tolerance for someone, family or friends, finding humor in the lack of ability of my husband and I to procreate with our genitals.

ILoveRedVino · September 2013

You know, I can find humor in infertility. H and I have even laughed about loss (ff, I know, but it is how we cope). But the second that someone else said something, laughing or making light of it, I'd find it extremely disrespectful and hurtful.

ILoveRedVino · September 2013

One of our friends bought H a book when we announced our first pregnancy. It was a how-to guide for expecting dads- called "My Boys Can Swim" or something like that. Little did they know, we'd done an IUI. The boys couldn't swim.

Aimothy · September 2013

I agree, ILRV. It's the whole, "I can make fun of my siblings...but you better not ever make fun of them in my presence, because I'll have to kick your ass" syndrome.

And, I think if you are going to say something humorous that someone else might find offensive or hurtful, you better either A) be able to stand behind what you said and deal with the consequences or

acknowledge that you now realize how it would/could be hurtful to someone dealing with __________.

CincodeMayoLove · September 2013

Exactly! Or several of my friends we told we were doing ivf joked we'd end up with a litter or a reality show. Then they'd follow that they wished us all the best, and knew it wasn't the case. Not offensive because they truly didn't know any better and were trying to supportive through jokes as we always do.
It's all about intent

cinderin · September 2013

CincodeMayoLove said:

Not offensive? Calling some one out for being dumb. Saying any cuss word, even directed to me, doesn't offend me.

Someone being called the "C" word (c*nt) is offensive to me.

for whatever reason b*tch doesn't bother me though. go figure.

CincodeMayoLove · September 2013

cinderin said:

CincodeMayoLove said:

Not offensive? Calling some one out for being dumb. Saying any cuss word, even directed to me, doesn't offend me.

Someone being called the "C" word (c*nt) is offensive to me.

for whatever reason b*tch doesn't bother me though. go figure.

I think this is intent too. I have a friend who calls all of us hookers, twats, and cunts. She loves us and it's not offensive. If someone called me that in a response during an argument, I would either know "wow they are over reacting" or "wow I really crossed a line there" but I wouldn't be offended because I probably did something to deserve it.
Unlike IF, mental/physical abilities/ backgrounds that should never be targets because people don't chose these things. It's out if their control and therefore offensive to make fun of. See what I mean?

transponster · September 2013

If you tell me a rape joke I'll punch you in the face repeatedly.

poppies717 · September 2013

Agree 100% with everything, Cinco. ((Hugs)). I am still crossing my fingers for you!

There is never an appropriate time to make light of a health situation unless you are the person affected. Humor is a coping mechanism, yes. Think before you speak, I guess.

amandaf6383 · September 2013

The thing that pisses me off the most is that the offensive behavior is almost always after a PR announcement. And the thing is, I truly care about the women on this board (well, most anyway) and am genuinely happy when the prayer of pregnancy is answered, whether it's been a few or a million months. I've made so many friends on this board who have gotten pregnant and I couldn't be happier for them and they are respectful. I cannot staaaaaaaand when the second line pops up and somehow common sense flies out the window.

i.e. someone who is on this board every single day should know that it's not funny to joke about MFI while announcing you're pregnant. i.e. someone who is on this board every single day and then disappears once they get a positive. i.e. someone is on this board every day and knows the struggles of some women and continue to post on the board and add big huge u/s photos.

Use your fucking brains, people. Some ladies are just trying to hold on to their sanity here. Thanks for understanding!

Aimothy · September 2013

CincodeMayoLove said:

Unlike IF, mental/physical abilities/ backgrounds that should never be targets because people don't chose these things. It's out if their control and therefore offensive to make fun of. See what I mean?

I don't think those are unlike IF. I didn't chose to have my ovaries create a million follicles. Jim didn't choose to have a low sperm count. Those with IF can't control the cards they were given either.

BruinsBabe33 · September 2013

@AmandaF6383 You are absolutely right. I think there is a lot to say about who a woman truly is after getting a BFP. Don't pretend that you are going to remain a member of the community and give support if you have no intentions of doing so. It's fucked up. It is also fucked up if you come here when you are TTC and bitch and moan about what pregnants do that makes you so upset, and then you become that person and expect everyone to just embrace that. Or if you say you are going to stick around and you come back only when there is drama or when someone gets a BFP. That isn't support.

brij2006 · September 2013

Wow!
Would you like for me too delete everything in my post or something?
Seriously. I didn't mean to offend anyone, discount anyone`s struggles, or poke fun of MFI. But obviously I should've just posted that the round of clomid worked and I got a bfp. Then said nothing more. It was only because H is relieved that he doesn't have to do an SA. And that's what his comment was.

CincodeMayoLove · September 2013

Aimothy said:

CincodeMayoLove said:

cinderin said:

Unlike IF, mental/physical abilities/ backgrounds that should never be targets because people don't chose these things. It's out if their control and therefore offensive to make fun of. See what I mean?

I don't think those are unlike IF. I didn't chose to have my ovaries create a million follicles. Jim didn't choose to have a low sperm count. Those with IF can't control the cards they were given either.

I meant calling people c word and making fun of what they do.... The above were not offensive Unlike those things (IF included) that were uncontrollable
We're saying the same thing but I switched from comma to slash so it got confusing. Sorry teach!

Aimothy · September 2013

CincodeMayoLove said:

CincodeMayoLove said:

Unlike IF, mental/physical abilities/ backgrounds that should never be targets because people don't chose these things. It's out if their control and therefore offensive to make fun of. See what I mean?

I don't think those are unlike IF. I didn't chose to have my ovaries create a million follicles. Jim didn't choose to have a low sperm count. Those with IF can't control the cards they were given either.
I meant calling people c word and making fun of what they do.... The above were not offensive Unlike those things (IF included) that were uncontrollable We're saying the same thing but I switched from comma to slash so it got confusing. Sorry teach!

Gotcha.

BruinsBabe33 · September 2013

@Brij2006 I think you are missing the point and that's usually what your problem is. Your comments were inappropriate to post. That is so awesome that you got pregnant and your DH doesn't have to do an SA, but a lot of of husbands have had to do SA's. You were insensitive and a sincere apology would have gone a long way instead of you just digging yourself in to a deeper hole.

Also, you KNOW full well that several women, myself included, do not agree with the way you went about treatment without receiving proper testing beforehand. I am glad it worked out for you, truly, and wish you the best for your pregnancy.

CincodeMayoLove · September 2013

brij2006 said:
Wow!
Would you like for me too delete everything in my post or something?
Seriously. I didn't mean to offend anyone, discount anyone`s struggles, or poke fun of MFI. But obviously I should've just posted that the round of clomid worked and I got a bfp. Then said nothing more. It was only because H is relieved that he doesn't have to do an SA. And that's what his comment was.

And that's awesome for you and him, but not everyone needs to know that part. Like how I took a giant shit this morning after being constipated. I'm just relieved I didn't have to do an enema or something. Great news for me. Made me real happy. Not necessary to share when I could just say "I'm happy my stomach doesn't hurt any more!" Somethings are best to keep to yourself.

ecinereb · September 2013

BruinsBabe33 said:

@Brij2006 I think you are missing the point and that's usually what your problem is. Your comments were inappropriate to post. That is so awesome that you got pregnant and your DH doesn't have to do an SA, but a lot of of husbands have had to do SA's. You were insensitive and a sincere apology would have gone a long way instead of you just digging yourself in to a deeper hole.

Also, you KNOW full well that several women, myself included, do not agree with the way you went about treatment without receiving proper testing beforehand. I am glad it worked out for you, truly, and wish you the best for your pregnancy.

This sums up my feelings exactly, to add the comments about 'homers' and DH being relieved he doesn't have to do a s/a just adds to it all. If you were three cycles in and then found out DH had crappy sperm you'd being crying to us and singing a different tune. I'm glad you're one of the lucky ones and it all worked out for you. GL for a H&H 9 months.

nfp147 · September 2013

BruinsBabe33 said:

@AmandaF6383 You are absolutely right. I think there is a lot to say about who a woman truly is after getting a BFP. Don't pretend that you are going to remain a member of the community and give support if you have no intentions of doing so. It's fucked up. It is also fucked up if you come here when you are TTC and bitch and moan about what pregnants do that makes you so upset, and then you become that person and expect everyone to just embrace that. Or if you say you are going to stick around and you come back only when there is drama or when someone gets a BFP. That isn't support.

@BruinsBabe33...this reminds me that I keep thinking, yet forgetting to tell you, how awesome you are; your BFP didn't change who you are on the board one bit. I'm sure I'm not the only one here who appreciates it.You too @caseyandlizzie.

You two should teach a "So you got a bfp" course

amandaf6383 · September 2013

brij2006 said:

Wow! Would you like for me too delete everything in my post or something? Seriously. I didn't mean to offend anyone, discount anyone`s struggles, or poke fun of MFI. But obviously I should've just posted that the round of clomid worked and I got a bfp. Then said nothing more. It was only because H is relieved that he doesn't have to do an SA. And that's what his comment was.

No you shouldn't have. You shouldn't have said anything about the Clomid. Because you took it completely irresponsibly. And that is a huge slap in the face to everyone single woman on this board who did it the right way. Who went to the doctors appointments and got a ridiculous amount of blood taken. And ultrasounds. And had dye stuck up their vaginas and through their tubes when they were supposed to be at work. And those who needed progesterone and suffered through the suppositories. And wives who had to watch their husbands pride fall on the floor as they had to go to a doctors office and do something incredibly personal. Women who had to shoot themselves up with hormones for weeks on end. And then it doesn't work anyway. These women who have supported you since the beginning and your common sense flew away as soon as you saw a second line. You should've just said you're pregnant and let it be that

Please, please think before you speak or type.

.

BruinsBabe33 · September 2013

nfp147 said:

BruinsBabe33 said:

@AmandaF6383 You are absolutely right. I think there is a lot to say about who a woman truly is after getting a BFP. Don't pretend that you are going to remain a member of the community and give support if you have no intentions of doing so. It's fucked up. It is also fucked up if you come here when you are TTC and bitch and moan about what pregnants do that makes you so upset, and then you become that person and expect everyone to just embrace that. Or if you say you are going to stick around and you come back only when there is drama or when someone gets a BFP. That isn't support.

@BruinsBabe33...this reminds me that I keep thinking, yet forgetting to tell you, how awesome you are; your BFP didn't change who you are on the board one bit. I'm sure I'm not the only one here who appreciates it.You too @caseyandlizzie.

You two should teach a "So you got a bfp" course

Thanks! I think you are pretty awesome, too! :-)

Flamingo86 · September 2013

CincodeMayoLove said:

3) in life, but most notably this board for the sole reason you should all be educated in this matter, saying "sorry" when someone chooses to pursue the blessing of adoption, and making fun of men who do not have superior sperm, and otherwise comments that show you have learned nothing from your time on this board offend me.

Yup this is absolutely right. Thank you for mentioning that. I am sorry that I can't stay pregnant and it really, really sucks, but I am not sorry to be adopting.

Like @Iloveredvino, my H and I sometimes make jokes about IF and loss amongst ourselves. I even had a very good friend joke about my "miscarriage disease." These are the people closest to me who know me and maybe in a sick way I wasn't offended and found it humorous. Sometimes humor was the only thing that got me through some very dark days. I would never joke about it here though.

Also, as others have mentioned, I do think that the true nature of people comes out after they are pregnant. I don't mean this to poke at any one person in particular, but I have seen it time and time again, both here and IRL. It also happens with weddings and engagements. Enough said.

Also @Bruinsbabe33 I think you are awesome. I actually "forget" that you are about to have a baby. Of course I am very happy and excited for you, but you don't seem to be consumed by pregnancy, and that's great.

brij2006 · September 2013

Trust me, I would have much rather gone the "proper" route with clomid. I had no clue about the proper steps until I had posted a question on here about it, and at that point I was already finished with the medication. I had no idea that my Dr`s protocol wasn't the correct way. To which I had asked and questioned him about after reading those posts. This was also why we knew we would likely move to a different Dr if this round didn't work. So it wasn't like I was buying it off Ebay and taking it with no Dr orders or watch.

So here is my apology. I'm sorry if I offended anyone on this board in the last 9 months I've posted here.

Aimothy · September 2013

@amandaf6383....let's cuddle and drink ciders all night long. You hit the nail on the head and I've got an urge to nail you now. I mean...cuddle.

BruinsBabe33 · September 2013

I am just going to leave these threads hree proving that what you just said is complete bullshit.

http://forums.thenest.com/discussion/12002587/school-me-on-opk-s-clomid#latest

http://forums.thenest.com/discussion/12001821/request-an-hsg#latest

CincodeMayoLove · September 2013

brij2006 said:

So here is my apology. I'm sorry if I offended anyone on this board in the last 9 months I've posted here.

I'm really not trying to make this a thing, but you keep making it worse. You covered the clomid part, but that is not my main issue, nor would it have been an issue to be discussed because it was a done deal, If you had apologized in the first place.
The part I must comment on is you STILL DONT GET WHATS OFFENSIVE! Not "Sorry, guess I'm pretty dense and can't seem to write anything on here without someone taking it offensively to them.
Sorry again." Or "sorry IF I offended anyone." I was pretty clear.

You offended me and every other person on here who has had to watch their husbands heart break because they have MFI (male factor infertility in case that's the part you're getting hung up on. It means that our h's sperm are shaped wrong, there's not enough or don't swim well)
A simple "I'm sorry I didn't think about that before I posted" would have been fine if you mean it. I'm sorry if I offended anyone is what you say if you don't know why people are upset with you and you're not really sorry. That's fine, you don't have to be sorry. But at least acknowledge that you know what it was that was offensive.

poppies717 · September 2013

@amandaf6383 I am loving you right now. Holy shit are spot on with my frustration of doing everything "right" an still being broken. I loved you before, but I think I'm now IN love. ;-)

MH1006 · September 2013

You people are just awful. It really is sad to watch.

CincodeMayoLove · September 2013

MH1006 said:
You people are just awful. It really is sad to watch.

Im awful because I want a heartfelt apology for getting offended? I actually
am ok, as I stated, to not even get an apology! I just want it to be acknowledged without snarky tone of "woe is me" or "what did I do" that she understands that she's learned something. Like oh I didn't realize that might be bothersome to someone! It's great that that doesn't bother or offend you even though you have a friend with mfi that would have thought it was funny. I have some too! I also have several friends who do not think that would be funny and that is all I am saying. And it wouldn't have become a thing AT ALL if when I nicely brought it up she said "oh I didn't mean to be in poor taste, but thanks for the congrats and not ripping me a new one." But instead I got an even more offensive clarification. So tell me exactly why I am awful, please, so I can learn what offends you, @mh1006. That is the point of this post after all

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