Relationships
ShelbiLynnJones
member
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
I need advise...on everything.
My bf and I have known each other since we were 13. We met in middle school and crushed on each other immediately; but we were 13 dating was practically none existent in our minds. He moved away with his family when he was about 15 and came back to our town when we were 18 and called me up to say he was back for good. That's when things in my life got (I don't want to say complicated but...) confusing. Off and on for 3 years now; seriously I cannot count how many times we have called off everything only to call the other 2 weeks to 3 months later. But now we have a very small house together and we're engaged (for the second time -_- ) but I feel like we just are not compatible anymore. Everyone tells me "Oh you guys have been together for a while now, you practically know everything about each other it's like you're married!" And that's the problem... I know too much about him. His past in particular. When he was in his "rebellious stage" he was more than hell on wheels. I was raised a bit differently so when his friends bring up things like "remember that time everyone was naked in your living room and your grandma walked in on that chick giving you a lap dance..." I get a little bit ANGRY. I can't help myself. He tells me all the time everyone has a past its not something to get upset about. But I just can't deal with it like he wants me to.
Is this my insecurities eating at me? Do other couples feel this way? Am I somehow jealous? Oh my goodness I feel COMPLETELY crazy!! Can someone please answer some of these God-awful questions in my head please?
Is this my insecurities eating at me? Do other couples feel this way? Am I somehow jealous? Oh my goodness I feel COMPLETELY crazy!! Can someone please answer some of these God-awful questions in my head please?
Re: I need advise...on everything.
The two things that jumped out -
one, the breaking up numerous times. This, to me, is a sign that you are NOT "meant to be". A 13 yr old crush doesn't need to turn into a lifetime commitment just because it's fun to say "Oh- we met when we were 13!!!". It just seems like you're trying to fit a square peg into a round hole.
Second, your BF is right. EVeryone does have a past. Some wilder than others. But we all have pasts. You need to figure out why your'e getting upset about stuff that happened that had nothing to do with you. Because if you do this with future BFs - you're going to damage those relationships.
I agree w/ the PP - take some time and figure out what you want. But I suggest you call off the relationship before you do this. Be single, spend time alone, soul search and figure yourself out and figure out what you want in a partner, in life, etc.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
You don't go popping off and getting engaged twice. You do it once and your relationship is stable.
Do yourself a favor:
Be smart and move on from this guy.
And get yourself to a therapist. You've got a codependency, a guy with plenty of skeletons in his closet along with plenty of baggage, a relationship that isn't stable and hans't got legs and you "chose" the wrong guy continually.
Find out why you are doing this, with the help of a therapist and learn how to pick a guy you have a real chance with. GL.
I just had this conversation with my brother about his on again off again gf. He has not really dated anyone else. My advice was that before anyone gets married that I think they should be in three kinds of relationships with three different kinds of commitment. The one where you love them more than they love you, the one where they love you more than you love them and the one involving no love but you both are just having a good time with a compatible person.
DH is my best friend, my rock, my big baby, my lover,partner and my confidant. I don't think if your bf can be described as all of these that you are ready for marriage to each other.
I don't see anything wrong with dating and marrying young but its based on a maturity level and I don't think you are there yet.
This, thank you. I get a bit riled when people say it's about age. When I was 21 I had a college degree, a home we remodeled ourselves, a full time job and was married that year.
I mean, can you honestly say that you were the same person when you were 18 vs when you were 21 vs 25 etc? You change a lot in that span of time. Even now, as I'm inching closer to 40 - I'm a much different person now than I was 10 years ago when I met my H. We were both in our late 20's when we met and dated a long long time before walking down the aisle.
Again, exceptions to the rule but overall, I think in your 20's, you should be living life and experiencing all life has to offer before getting tied down, especially tying yourself down to someone who is clearly wrong for you just because you've 'been together for a while' and it's familiar for you. Just my humble opinion.
I plan on changing a lot and already have, so has DH. I don't view an early marriage as being tied down. We are living life and changing but we choose to experience everything and change as people together. I can't wait to "know" who we are 10, 20 and so on years from now.
I do agree though that unless OP feels the same way she is too young. But she may be 30 and still be too young and/or he is not the one. I think EastCoastBride said it well when she described it as fitting a square peg in a round hole. Sometimes we think something is supposed to fit but that doesn't mean it does. When you find your round peg OP you will know.
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@nannycoe, There's a difference between "having some love for each other" and marriage being a good idea. I still "have some love" for my XH, because there are some things about him that I really admire. I wouldn't have married him or stayed with him for years if that wasn't the case. However, "some love" isn't enough to make a marriage work. Even "a whole shitload of love" isn't always enough to make marriage a great idea. Marriage is about being compatible with one another and wanting the same things out of life.
As far as the issue with his past, etc... I can relate. I have a very mild past... I never went through a wild phase and never missed it either, lol. My fiance, however, was wild and did things I can only imagine. However, we don't talk about it. I don't ask and he doesn't bring it up. His friends have only brought up certain things that I don't like, but never anything with a girl. I think they know it's in appropriate.
If you want to stay together and build your relationship then you have to communicate what you want and then he has to respond. He has to do the same though... tell you what he wants, etc. Relationships are work. It's not a fairy tale, period. However, if it's always work, then it just isn't right.
Katie, Jesse, and Breanna
We're getting married: March 1, 2014