Does this make me a jerk?

RockABye · October 2013

I need some GP honesty... does this make me a jerk? Bro/SIL found out this morning what their kid is. They want everyone to come over tonight for a gender reveal. I don't have any problems with reveals to family, btw, but I told my mom I don't want to come and be surprised given our almost 5 years of unsuccessful T-TTC. Finding out they were expecting (even though they were VERY sensitive with the announcement) was the hardest day of my life thus far. I'm ok with it now and am excited. Anyway, she's going to talk to my brother and tell him that we want to know up front, beforehand. If I know, I'll go and can totally act surprised... not tell a soul until tonight, but I don't want to deal with the surprise.

If they won't tell, then honestly, I don't know if we'll go. I need time to process, boy or girl, and I hate surprises anyway. Is that stupid and jerky? I don't want to be a party pooper and steal their fun of a reveal (because I will totally do a reveal with my family when the time comes) because it IS their firstborn which is awesome, but I also don't want to bust out crying. They've been very sensitive to us so far so I'm hoping it continues! And I KNOW DH won't want to go tonight, regardless, but I feel like I can't miss it... I'm afraid I'd regret it.. So should do y'all honestly think I'm asking too much? Please be honest!

DangerMuffin23 · October 2013

No I don't think so. I think you've been very honest with how you're feeling and they've even respectful thus far. You've given them the option to not tell you, and I think it's fine that you won't go if they're not ok with telling you. It's a really hard time for you and I doubt they want you crying at the reveal either. I'm sure if they won't tell you ahead, they'll be sad you can't be there, but it sounds like they would understand. (And that you'd be understanding if they won't tell you). For some (me included) it takes a little time to wade into the deeper end.

brij2006 · October 2013

Another one for not thinking this makes you a jerk. Especially since you've been very open with them about your strugles and feelings. It sounds like they have understood up until now, and that they likely will continue to understand.

Definitely talk to them about it, and hopefully they will understand and tell you beforehand.

PandPMeant2B · October 2013

I don't think you're being a jerk at all, especially since it's your brother. They obviously care about you if they've been sensitive up to this point. Why would/should that stop? I don't see why they wouldn't tell you ahead of time if they know they can trust you. It's not like telling you so you can mentally prepare will make the night any less special for them.

ILoveRedVino · October 2013

I think it'd be worse to go and cry through it.

ecinereb · October 2013

I don't think so. I think you did your part in giving them an option to help you through it. Hopefully they'll agree.

RockABye · October 2013

Ok, so before this convo with my mom, I texted SIL and asked if she had her appt and if I was gonna be an aunt or uncle ( ) . I don't think she's talked to my mom yet and not sure if mom has talked to bro yet, but she texted me this

"I think you will be an aunt regardless. And yes we did! If you want to know, we are having just immediate family over tonight for a baby revealing cake. "

Here's what I have to respond to her with. Please help me critique it. While I want them to be sensitive, I also want to be very sensitive in how I word it. We have a wonderful relationship and I love them both so much so I don't wan tot hurt their feelings in ANY way...

"So, um... I don't want to be a party pooper or steal y'all's excitement (b/c truly I AM so happy!) but is there any way you could tell me (and I tell J) now? I won't tell a soul, not even that I know, and will even be totally "surprised" tonight, but I just need to process it and don't want to cry tonight.. Even though I AM excited! I hate to be a spoil sport It's just a weird spot in our lives. If not, I understand and we may just come late or find out later. I just have a hard time with surprises of this nature at this moment in my life. Blah. Just let me know and I'll respect your wishes, either way, Mommy! "

Thoughts?

DangerMuffin23 · October 2013

Sounds good

LooneyLife · October 2013

I think your response to her is sincere and not at all jerky. I can understand how they might be a bit bummed, but from how you've described your relationship with them, I think they'll understand.

PandPMeant2B · October 2013

I think that's perfect. You're making it pretty clear that even though you're asking them to be sympathetic to you, you're also being sympathetic/supportive to them.

CincodeMayoLove · October 2013

Here's the issue with that. Usually with a gender reveal, only the baker of the cake knows. It's a surprise to the parents too. So idk if they will be able to tell you unless the baker is their friend and that person can tell you.
So you maybe could say you can't make it, but would they call you after because you are excited to know? Then you'd miss the surprise but still show interest. Sounds like its a small gtg anyway so that should be fine. Hope that works.

RockABye · October 2013

I'm pretty sure they know based on what my mom told me, but that's a good point, Cinco.. I'm not sure.. If they don't know, then that does add a whole other dimension! If that's the case, then I'll probably suck it up and go and just stand in the background so I can sneak off if need be. Blah. I hate this. They should've just waited until I was pregnant to go and get pregnant... (i'm totally kidding, of course)

seahorse01 · October 2013

I'm team don't go. Hear it on your own in private with your DH.

RockABye · October 2013

Just confirmed with my mom.. they DO know so I'm going to send the text and hope for the best! Thankfully my mom talked to my bro said he sounded like he's fine with whatever. My mom went through several years of IF too so she understands, which helps. Thanks for the input ladies! I really appreciate it!!

nberg89 · October 2013

No, it absolutely does not make you sound like a jerk. It is hard for anyone who has been TTC and unable to, to watch someone else (esp family) get pregnant. You were honest and kind about it. I know it hurts, but if you do go just try and smile and give hugs, show your support, and leave whenever you need to. I'm sure they understand you're upset. I will say a prayer for you! I believe that we are all meant to be mommas! Lots of baby dust being sent your way!

Aimothy · October 2013

Just as long as you are fine with telling them before your own gender reveal some day down the road, I do not feel that it's too much to ask. I don't think it's fair to say "Tell me first so I can deal with this, but I won't do the same to you." They may need time to process if you are having a girl and they only have boys, etc. If you wouldn't be fine doing it for someone at your own gender reveal, then I don't think it's fair to ask someone else to do it for you. (Even though it's already been done)

katieg520 · October 2013

I definitely don't think it makes you sound like a jerk. I hope they're understanding and can do this for you.

RockABye · October 2013

Aimothy said:

Just as long as you are fine with telling them before your own gender reveal some day down the road, I do not feel that it's too much to ask. I don't think it's fair to say "Tell me first so I can deal with this, but I won't do the same to you." They may need time to process if you are having a girl and they only have boys, etc. If you wouldn't be fine doing it for someone at your own gender reveal, then I don't think it's fair to ask someone else to do it for you. (Even though it's already been done)

Step ahead of ya! I've already thought that through and we would absolutely tell them first. Probably a "hey.. so we found out what we're having and we want to return the favor... do you want to know before anyone else? Or do you want to be surprised?" I would most definitely give them the option of being the first to know though

ILoveRedVino · October 2013

Did she respond?
I feel like this is a hard situation. For you and her.

RockABye · October 2013

ILRV - no... not yet.. and it's making me nervous.. I saw she read it almost 30 minutes ago

lindsayandjamie · October 2013

Maybe she's talking it over with your bro? She may very well be upset with the response even if I agree that it was written with sensitivity. Some people are really weird about gender reveals and the importance for other people.

FWIW I refused to travel to my bro and SIL's gender reveal (3hrs away) because I didn't really get the big deal about having a 100 person party to find out if she was carrying a penis or a vagina. She probably thought I was a bitch but I just couldn't wrap my mind around a blow out party for that purpose. This situation is obviously way different and yours is just close family, so you may regret not going, but I think ultimately they would understand either way.

amccul20 · October 2013

RockABye said:

ILRV - no... not yet.. and it's making me nervous.. I saw she read it almost 30 minutes ago

I think what you wrote her was nice and honest. give her time to process. maybe she's trying to get ahold of your brother to see if he's OK with her telling you ahead of time.

Uptowngirl2009 · October 2013

I don't think you are being a jerk. I'm sorry that you are dealing with this. We all know how you feel and have been there before. ((Hugs))

sparklingdiamond · October 2013

I don't think it makes you sound like a jerk at all. I thought the message you sent was sincere and if I had a family member send that to me, I would be understanding of that. Hopefully she will too! Or I think you could always just not go and find out later in private.

transponster · October 2013

I know you've already asked, but I do want you to know that you aren't a jerk for doing so. I'm really sorry that you have to deal with this.

katieg520 · October 2013

lindsayandjamie said:

Maybe she's talking it over with your bro? She may very well be upset with the response even if I agree that it was written with sensitivity. Some people are really weird about gender reveals and the importance for other people.
FWIW I refused to travel to my bro and SIL's gender reveal (3hrs away) because I didn't really get the big deal about having a 100 person party to find out if she was carrying a penis or a vagina. She probably thought I was a bitch but I just couldn't wrap my mind around a blow out party for that purpose. This situation is obviously way different and yours is just close family, so you may regret not going, but I think ultimately they would understand either way.

These parties are becoming a huge trend where I live as well. Like, people literally throw these big bashes. I always wonder ... what if the u/s tech was wrong? LOL.... If I do get to have another baby, I wouldn't mind a gender reveal of some sort, like dinner with family or something, but a huge bash... no.

RockABye · October 2013

She finally responded and said my bro was going to call me. My bro just texted and said he'd call me in 15 min or so. I said that was fine and that I hope they weren't upset with me. He said, "Not at all!" so that is encouraging! Thanks again, y'all. Sometimes I worry IF makes me TOO much of a "victim" and I need to run stuff past others to get an unbiased opinion on whether I'm being overly weird.

ETA: He called and told me and I was right about what they're having! They, on the other hand, were shocked. I'd share (not that y'all care lol) but I am sworn to secrecy and I take that seriously! You never know who's lurking

islandmonkey8 · October 2013

I'm happy it seems to have gone over well! I'm guessing he wants to call you as opposed to tell you via text. I hope the news is easier to take while you're not in a room full of people!

ljraff29 · October 2013

I was following your post, but didn't get to say anything until now (I'm supposed to be 'working'). It seems like everything is working out, so I'm happy for you!

For what it's worth, I don't think you were being unreasonable or a jerk. If it were me, I'd rather my brother/sister be there even if they already knew then to not be a part of it.

Good Luck!

GoodWolf · October 2013

I'm so glad everything worked out! You all handled the situation very gracefully

DangerMuffin23 · October 2013

Nice! I'm glad you have time to process and get to enjoy the get-together!

Does this make me a jerk?

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