Married Life
YOUNGS19
member
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
low on his priority list.
We've been married three months, and in this time we've purchased a new house and my husband has started his second year of his MBA program. I am having a very hard time dealing with the fact that we see each other approximately 10 hours a week, this isn't including sleeping time (which he includes as time spent w me). He works full time during the week, then after work is either working on projects for school or studying, or making time with friends. Then every other weekend he has school Friday evening & Saturday day. We dated for five years prior to the first year or his MBA program in which I was busy planning our wedding alone, and now I feel like I am doing all our home ownership projects alone, and quite frankly feel like I am not even in a relationship. Whenever I bring up to him that I would like to see him more or feel like I am low on his priority list he gets defensive and tells me I am not supportive and he is doing the best he can he works full time, he has to finish school, he has this etc. etc. Which often leads to mega blowouts. And now his MBA program is hosting a career fair where he is interviewing for a rotational job that requires him to move every 6 months for two years to different parts of the country. We just bought a house and I have a job here that I love. Any advice? I am to the point where I am not even sure what the purpose of getting married was, just very frustrated.
Re: low on his priority list.
You mention he's making time for friends. How often? Does he spend more free time with friends than with you? He should be given the freedom to maintain those relationships. But if you it's excessive, that his buddies are more of a priority, that's a legitimate heartburn. Be reasonable. If he has 2 "free days" a week ask for one for you, one for friends.
Regarding the potential to move, did you know this was a possibility going into marriage?
I know it sucks for you, but you should try to be a bit more supportive. He's working toward something that's important to him and likely important to your (collective) future.
It sounds like this is a job he's choosing to pursue, not one that is required by his program. He has a new wife and has just purchased a home--what the hell is he thinking?! When you have put down roots and have a partner, you don't get to just up and leave for 2 years by choice, unless you have a plan for your home and your partner is on board. I have friends who've gone through MBA programs and they didn't have to turn into nomads to do so.
I can understand your feelings when it comes to his lack of time for you, but if he's making your time spent together count then you're just going to have to grit your teeth and bear it, because it sounds like the long-term gains will outweigh the short-term unpleasantness. But leaving for 2 years is something else entirely. You two need to have a serious discussion about expectations during that time frame and possible alternatives, unless you change your mind and decide you want to go with him. Frankly, I think if he leaves you in the dust to pursue his career, he is selfish and doesn't know what it means to be a partner.
My H has outside things he does too that take up his time, but he ALWAYS makes time to spend with me to nurture our relationship. I support my H in all that he does, but if he was neglecting the relationship, then I wouldn't be here with him. Any big life changing decisions that affect both of us, we talk about, not just say we're doing it and tough shit on the other person. I would be pretty pissed if my H took a job that would uproot us without really discussing it with me.
His career is something he needs to accomplish. I'm sure he's not trying to ignore you, he's just trying to ensure you have a stable future together. Don't be too harsh on him about it. I'm in the military, and my FI is going to school in a different state. We have a long distance relationship, and although it can be tough at times, we both know that our careers are important and we need to accomplish those first because that is what will help give us a solid foundation in our marriage down the road.
Do you know the number one thing couples fight about? Money. So make sure you have plenty of it! Money matters cause stress. The stress right now will be worth not having the stress later.
I'm kind of curious as to how old you are.
The school thing - you need to let that go. Going for his MBA will be a huge boost for him in the future. You KNEW this about him. It wasn't a surprise. Back off on the time that school takes in his life.
The friend thing- how much time does he spend w/ them? Be honest about this. Is most of his free time w/ them (Iike if he has 4 free nights- they get 3 and you get 1?), or is it w/ you? This is important. If you want ALL his free time, that's not fair. But if you want just at least, oh, 50% and you're getting 25% - I better understand where you're coming from.
But you need to answer these questions for us to further help you.
The thing that stood out the most and truly is an ISSUE is the job thing. Is he doing this w/o talking to you at all? It sounds like it! If so- HUGE issue, and yes, I understand your feeling of "why did we get married". He ABSOLUTELY has to take your desires and wishes into account here too. He's not up to him to unilaterally make decisions that will have a HUGE impact on your life.
This borders on "dealbreaker" for me.