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Wanna hear my most recent complaint?

My parents live in another state. We see each other 2-3 times a year on average but talk everyday. We are close.

Their church has an "adopted grandparents" program. It's for older people who don't have grand kids and little kids who don't have grandparents. They match them up.

My parents joined the damn program.

They've been assigned to a family with two parents, the same ages as me and H, and their kids- a 2 yr old boy and 4 month old girl. Their parents/grandparents have passed away.

They spent all day today together. My parents adore them. The 2 year old calls my parents Grappa and Granna.

I feel like shit.

When my parents say they don't have grand kids, I hear two things. I hear that a) Baby doesn't count and b) I've failed at giving them grand kids.

I want them to have this. But I want it with my kids.

They have no idea that this is killing me. Like, I've cried. Multiple times.

Sometimes I feel like my life is a funny joke that entertains God. Seriously, wtf? IF wasn't enough? Loss wasn't enough? Now you have to create some fcking fake family to rub this in my face a little more?
IUI - BFP! Baby boy born still - August 2012
IVF - BFP - miscarriage June 2013
FET - BFN
FET - BFN
Switched clinics
IVF with PGD - three embryos created, all healthy - July 2014
FET - transferred two embryos (boy and girl) - Nov 2014 - BFP!
Baby Boy born July 2015

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Re: Wanna hear my most recent complaint?

  • I'm so sorry ILRV. I can totally see how that would upset you, it would have really affected me too. Your situation is SO extreme. I think you said it best in a post a while ago saying "how much can one person really take?" You are such a strong person! I just want you to know that I'm rooting for you. The world is rooting for you. It's not even close to fair and I can't wait to read some really happy posts from you in the future.

    imageimageimage
    Lilypie First Birthday tickers
  • Wow. I'm sure (I hope!!) their intention wasn't to hurt you, but I can definitely see how it does. I'm so sorry, ILRV, I would probably take it very personally as well.

    Like LL said, I'm rooting for you, too. You and your H more than deserve to have a baby here and in your arms. (hugs)
  • I am sorry. That sucks. 
    "How long till my soul gets it right? Can any human being ever reach the highest light? Except for Galileo, god rest his soul, king of night vision, king of insight." ~ Indigo Girls Anniversary
    When you've been married this long, you need a ticker to remind you.

    Baby Boy M - 08/01/2013
  • I can't imagine how painful that is for you. I'm so sorry. IF sucks.
  • I am so sorry. I understand how upsetting that would be for you. I agree with every LL said too. ((Hugs))

    Daisypath Anniversary tickers

    TTC #1 since July 2012

    Cycles 1-9: BFN
    Cycle 10: Surprise BFP on 10/17/2013!
    EDD: June 25, 2014
    Baby Girl born via induction June 26, 2014

    My TTC Journey Blog

  • Wow. That's really shitty. I know they aren't doing it to intentionally hurt you but I don't know how it wouldn't. I can't even imagine. I would cry too.
    image
    B Born 6.27.13
  • Sewilson33Sewilson33 member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited November 2013
    I'm sorry ILRV... I think anyone would be hurt by this even tho that's not their intention.

    imageMags's book recommendations, liked quotes, book clubs, book trivia, book lists (read shelf)
     
    TTC 19 months ~Started RE in March 2014~
    DH was not ready for IUI so we waited
    ~Started acupuncture in  May 2014~

    ~~
    BFP 7/6/14~~~EDD 3/14/15~~It's a girl!!~~
  • I'm so sorry ILRV, I can't even imagine how painful that is, even if their intent wasn't to hurt you. ((hugs)) I'm rooting for you with LittleLady and the rest of the board.

     ~ S & L 8-25-12  ~
  • That sucks soooo much. And it's not fair. I am sorry it's hurting you like this.
    imageimageimageAnniversary
  • Wow, that's really rough. I am so sorry you're hurting.





    dx:  Unexplained IF (mild MFI)

     TTC since May 2011, 1 year trying, and then 3 TI, 2 IUI = BFN

    IVF #1 (May 2013):  Antagonist Protocol: 
    24R, 18M, 15F w/ICSI; 5dt of 2 early blasts, no frosties = BFN
    IVF #2 (August 2013):  Lupron Stop Protocol: 
    28R, 23M, 15F w/ICSI; 5dt of 1 partially hatched blast, 7 frosties = BFP
    EDD 5/23/14, blighted ovum (6w6d), D&C (8w6d)
    FET #1 (April 2014):  transferred 2 5d blasts = BFP

    C.J. born 01/09/15

    imageimage
  • I'm so sorry. It sounds like those aren't their intentions, but it is still hurting you and rightfully so. You two deserve to be parents, and you know that. 

    Have you thought of maybe talking to your parents about this?  It sounds like you are very close.  Maybe mention to them that you think it's a wonderful thing they are doing for this family that doesn't have grandparents, but explain how it has made you feel. 

    TTC since 1/13  DX:PCOS 5/13 (long, anovulatory cycles)
    Clomid 50mg 9/13 = BFP! EDD 6/7/14 M/C 5w6d Found 11/4/13
    1/14 PCOS / Gluten Free Diet to hopefully regulate my system. 
    Chemical Pregnancy 03/14
    Surprise BFP 6/14, Beta #1: 126 Beta #2: 340  Stick baby, stick! EDD 2/17/15
    Riley Elaine born 2/16/15

    TTC 2.0   6/15 
    Chemical Pregnancy 9/15 
    Chemical Pregnancy 6/16
    BFP 9/16  EDD 6/3/17
    Beta #1: 145 Beta #2: 376 Beta #3: 2,225 Beta #4: 4,548
    www.5yearstonever.blogspot.com 
                        Image and video hosting by TinyPic

  • Oh man, I'm so sorry.  I can't even imagine how much it must hurt.  Like others said, I'm sure their intentions are very good ones, they are bringing extra joy to little kids lives, and they probably only thought of it as that, but that doesn't make it sting any less on your end.  Since you're close to them I'd be open with them about how it makes you feel.  I wouldn't ask them to not do it but maybe just to not talk to you about it.  Maybe them doing this for other children is a way for them to honor your baby or to deal with the grief they may have over that situation was well...I really do think talking to them about it will help.  You aren't failing them or anyone else; you're an amazingly strong, beautiful and driven woman who is doing the very best you can with a really shitty situation.
    image

    TTC since March 2012 w/irregular and anovulatory cycles.  
    Moved to an RE October 2013  HSG- All clear , S/A- Normal , Bloodwork -Normal
    Uterine polyp found-  Hysteroscopy and D&C 12/6/13  DX w/complex endometrial hyperplasia
    Endometrial Biopsy 3/21/14 - Hyperplasia still present  Endometrial Biopsy #2 6/24/14 - All clear!
    IUI #1  w/stims and trigger - Started stims 7/7/14 - IUI 7/24/14 = BFP 8/7/14
    Beta #1 8/8 - 47  Beta#2 -137  Beta#3 - 96 Beta#4 -287 Beta#5 -519 Beta#6 121 = early miscarriage 5w4d
    Nestie Besties with Nfp147 
  • LL said it better than I could have.  I'm so sorry ILRV!  
    Lilypie Second Birthday tickers
  • Wow. I'm so sorry. I can't imagine how painful all of this is.

    I want to quote my friend from yesterday. "There are so many hearts hoping for you." ILRV, I think of you an the other TTTCers daily. (Hugs)
    TTC #1 since Feb. '12. dx: "unexplained" IF
    After 2 shitty IVF cycles and 1 loss at 6+2 (EDD 11/7/14), DH and I are pursuing DIA.
    11/17/2014 - ACTIVE AND WAITING!
    image
    Pregnancy was never the end goal; being a mom was.
    I've been holding out on GP: I got drunk once and started a blog: Here it is (11/7 update)
    3T<3

  • Oh honey, I am so so sorry. It breaks my heart just reading it, I can only imagine how it feels to be living it. Have you talked to them about this? I really feel like you should. I'm sure they didn't do this with any ill intentions but I still don't think it's necessarily appropriate. I feel like it would be a stab in your heart every time they mentioned one of the children.

    I think of you daily, and love you so much. You are so wonderful and such a strong woman. XOXO

    Cheering on all of my 3T ladies!  DX with PCOS - 11/2012 DH S/A & HSG - Normal - Too many rounds of Clomid = BFNs - New RE 5/2014 - Repeat Testing - Losing 40lbs before injects/IUI



    image

    Created by MyFitnessPal - Nutrition Facts For Foods

  • Thanks, ladies. I feel like all I do on here is whine and talk about sad things, so thank you for always putting up with me.

    I haven't told them how I feel about it. H thinks I should.

    I just keep thinking that they hurt too. They've lost a grandson. They've lost children, in a very different way, before too (they did foster to adopt and the bio parents changed their minds after three months) They may not understand my hurt, but they've had their own grief too. I don't want to take this from them. They love it. And at the end of the day, I have to be rationale and know that this family isn't replacing mine. It hurts, but maybe they need this.

    I just need to remind myself of that regularly.
    IUI - BFP! Baby boy born still - August 2012
    IVF - BFP - miscarriage June 2013
    FET - BFN
    FET - BFN
    Switched clinics
    IVF with PGD - three embryos created, all healthy - July 2014
    FET - transferred two embryos (boy and girl) - Nov 2014 - BFP!
    Baby Boy born July 2015

  • edited November 2013
    Wow, I can't even imagine how much that hurts. I hope it wasnt their intention to hurt you, i would tell them how you feel. If my parents, who are very involved in their church as well, had done that i would certainly tell them how much it hurt. I'm so sorry you are hurting. I know this next cycle will bring good news! ((Hug))

    Lilypie - XkBoLilypie - WuYI
    Me(27) PCOS, Hypothyroidism & Incompetent Cervix  DH(29) Azoospermia
    4/11- 12/11 Provera, 3 cycles clomid 50mg, all BFN (HSG-all clear)
    Dec 2011 DH S/A shows zero count - dx Azoo
    TESE 4/13/12 - Sperm found!! 5 viles frozen
    IVF ICSI #1- (Lupron protocol) 5R 2F 2dt- 2DP & 4CF - BFFN
    IVF ICSI #2-  (Antagonist protocol) Started stims 7/26
    ER 8/8 11R 9F 3dt - 9BF & 7BF (+HPT 8dp3dt)beta 1-184 beta 2- 1699 TWINS! EDD 5/1/13
    <312/9 Joshua David and Zoe Faith born too early at 19w4d due to incompetent cervix <3
    Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers
      LAP Transabdominal Cerclage - 4/15/13 only possibility of carrying my children to term
    IVF ICSI #3.2- (Antagonist Protocol) 7/26 start stims (same day, a year later from J & Z's stim start date!)
    ER - 8/7  19R 9F 3dt of 2 8BF embryos. (+ HPT 7dp3dt) Beta #1- 82.8 Beta #2- 821 Beta 3-7254
    9/11/13 - U/S showed 1 baby HR 135bpm! EDD 4/30/14
    Colin born via c/s 4/7/14 (36w5d) 6lbs 14oz - 8 days in the NICU
    TTC #2 - IVF 4 - July 2015 (Antagonist Protocol) 7/10 start stims
    15R 8F 5dt of 1E blast grade BA & 1 blast to freeze!! (+hpt 6dp5dt)
    beta #1-52 beta #2-62 Beta #3-6.5 - CP
    FET - 9/18/15 (+hpt 5dp5dt) beta #1 -225.1 beta #2-2468 beta #3-21,352
    10/29 - U/S shows 1 bean! HR 151 EDD 6/7/16 It's a BOY!
    5/18/16 Jacob born via c/s (37w 1d) 9lbs .8oz 19in - 6 days in the NICU



  • Thanks, ladies. I feel like all I do on here is whine and talk about sad things, so thank you for always putting up with me.

    I haven't told them how I feel about it. H thinks I should.

    I just keep thinking that they hurt too. They've lost a grandson. They've lost children, in a very different way, before too (they did foster to adopt and the bio parents changed their minds after three months) They may not understand my hurt, but they've had their own grief too. I don't want to take this from them. They love it. And at the end of the day, I have to be rationale and know that this family isn't replacing mine. It hurts, but maybe they need this.

    I just need to remind myself of that regularly.

    Yea, but at the same time, they should know how hurt and slighted you are feeling. Their intentions might not be to hurt you, but it doesn't make it any less hurtful and at the end of the day, you are their child. You should tell them how you feel. If you put it to them in a way where you say, that's great you are helping out this other family, but please understand how this hurts me then maybe they will be more sensitive towards you and what you are going through.
  • edited November 2013

    Thanks, ladies. I feel like all I do on here is whine and talk about sad things, so thank you for always putting up with me.

    I haven't told them how I feel about it. H thinks I should.

    I just keep thinking that they hurt too. They've lost a grandson. They've lost children, in a very different way, before too (they did foster to adopt and the bio parents changed their minds after three months) They may not understand my hurt, but they've had their own grief too. I don't want to take this from them. They love it. And at the end of the day, I have to be rationale and know that this family isn't replacing mine. It hurts, but maybe they need this.

    I just need to remind myself of that regularly.

    ILRV that is a very selfless way to think, but not practical for the long haul. Eventually your feelings are going to show themselves.
    I think if you just tell them how you feel, exactly how you feel including how you want this for them, then they will be more sensitive about the way they talk about it to you. Like bit mentioning them calling them "gma and gpa" and making sure they bring up baby they(and you) lost with the family so they are an inclusion not replacement? Hth love. You will do what feels right, but I really really don't think you should just "let it go" without any discussion. For your sanity.

    Eta for clarity
    Married 05/05/2007, Off BCP Dec 2007
    2 failed Clomid cycles in 2011.
    RE in October 2012: IUI # 12&3 with meds:  BFNs 12/12-2/13
    IVF cycle: ER: 9/18/13, Lu came back to snuggle in: 9/23/13, EDD: 6/11/13

    ~My Bitter Bitches Be the Best~

  • I'm so sorry, ILRV. I would definitely bring up your feelings to your parents. I'm sure this wasn't intended to hurt you, and if you are close to your parents they would want to know your true feelings on it.
  • Oh sweetie, what an awful situation. I can only imagine how much that would hurt, even though it was never the intention. You're so amazing for understanding why they might have done this despite your own feelings. It's not easy being rational when something hits you so hard.

    ((Hugs))
    imageimage
    Daisypath Anniversary tickers
    TTC since July 2012
    BFP #1: 11/9/13; spontaneous m/c at 6w2d, 11/25/13
    BFP #2: 12/31/13. B/w 12/31: betas >1000, progesterone 13.6; B/w 1/2: betas 3065, progesterone 10.2
    B/w 1/8: betas 17,345, progesterone 25.6
    Progesterone suppositories started 1/2. Please stick, baby!!
    Fiona Elise born 9/9/14 - welcome beautiful girl!
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    Badge Unicorn
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  • I love the quote from poppies. It is so fitting - and so true.

    There isn't a soul here that isn't hoping for the very best for you and you should never apologize for using this outlet to vent. That's why we're here.

    There is no way that wouldn't be hurtful. I do hope you let them know how you feel. I don't think it's black and white and that if you let them know you would be taking it away from them. I just think it would help for smoother discussions about it in the future that don't leave you feeling down and stung.
    Lilypie First Birthday tickers
  • I'm so sorry, ILRV. Others have said things much more eloquently than I ever could, so I just want you to know that you will always be able to say what you need to here, and that we all want the best for you.
    image

    TTC #1 since 9/12
  • I'm sorry ILRV. I don't have anything more to say that hasn't already been said by PP's. You are always allowed to vent here and we are all rooting so hard for you.
    image

    TTC since August 2011
    Cycle 8,9,10 - 50mg Clomid - BFN
    Cycle 11, 100 mg Clomid & IUI#1- BFP 2/23/13 - m/c 4/2/13 @ 9w2d
    Cycle 13, 100 mg Clomid & IUI#2 - BFP 6/27/13 - CP
    Met with an awesome new RE in September 2013 new plan: 5mg Femera & IUI #3
    Surprise Natural BFP 9/9/13 - Welcomed our baby boy 5/25/14

    TTC Buddies with *noelcallum* - Congratulations!
    Knottie Besties with *SparklingDiamond* - Congratulations!
  • I am so sorry.  All PP gave great advice, especially CincodeMayo - talking this through with your parents can only offer mutual understanding and comfort, for all of you.  You are in my thoughts; I'm hoping for you.
    image
    Anniversary
    08/13: Started TTC  - 07/14: PCOS dx
    BFP 09/18/15 - Baby S 05/27/16
  • Ditto what everyone else has already said. I would tell your parents how you feel. You need to get these feelings off your chest and in the open with them, it will only do more damage if you try to hold them in. You are an amazing woman ILRV. You deserve so much happiness. Like many of the others have said, I'm rooting for you!

    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker


    Pregnancy Ticker
  • I'm so sorry, I can't imagine how much that must hurt. I agree with PPs that talking to them is a good idea - not necessarily to ask them to stop, as you've mentioned maybe they need this - but to ask for sensitivity in discussing it in the future.

    We're all rooting for you here. IF is not fair at all.

    image

    "You know you're in love when you don't want to fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams." - Dr. Seuss

    TTC #1 August 2014. BFP 9/26! EDD 6/9/15
    Baby A born 6/17/2015
  • Thanks, ladies. I feel like all I do on here is whine and talk about sad things, so thank you for always putting up with me. I haven't told them how I feel about it. H thinks I should. I just keep thinking that they hurt too. They've lost a grandson. They've lost children, in a very different way, before too (they did foster to adopt and the bio parents changed their minds after three months) They may not understand my hurt, but they've had their own grief too. I don't want to take this from them. They love it. And at the end of the day, I have to be rationale and know that this family isn't replacing mine. It hurts, but maybe they need this. I just need to remind myself of that regularly.
    Not at all. This is a place to vent, and we are all here to support you in whatever fashion you need that support.

    I agree with other PPs that you should talk to your parents about it. They may not even know how hurtful it is to you because they are still trying to process their own grief. I think keeping the line of communication open with people who are close to you is important during this time. I don't think they should necessarily stop "being there" for this other family, but they should also recognize that they do have a grandchild, and that hearing about the interactions with this other family can be hurtful. I hope they are receptive and open to the discussion.
    I hope the best for you, my dear. Take care of yourself.
    TTC #1 since Feb. '12. dx: "unexplained" IF
    After 2 shitty IVF cycles and 1 loss at 6+2 (EDD 11/7/14), DH and I are pursuing DIA.
    11/17/2014 - ACTIVE AND WAITING!
    image
    Pregnancy was never the end goal; being a mom was.
    I've been holding out on GP: I got drunk once and started a blog: Here it is (11/7 update)
    3T<3

  • I'm sorry, ILRV. I would feel exactly the same way.
    image
    Team Green to Team Pink! Baby A born
    Here comes 2u2! Team Green to Team Blue! Baby L born
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