I wrote my DH a letter....DH REPLIED...photo in comments

nberg89 · November 2013

Because last night was just a mess.

My DH is just being so difficult. He says he wants a baby with me, but doesn't want me to tell him anything about charts, tests, and when I'm ovulating. Just wants me to tell him when we need to BD. So I have tried so hard and I am due to O any day now. Last night he was so goofy and jokey, burping, yawning, etc during BD that I got so upset and we got in a fight and stopped. The fight escalated and I brought up my chemical pregnancy last month, he told me he didn't think that's what happened. I told him he was being insensitive, if the doctor's think so then I go by that not by what he thinks. I silently cried myself to sleep and he didn't even snuggle me or anything. He does this so often, where he acts out. We're never going to get this if he cant just have sex with me and complete the goal. I try to be sexy and do lingerie and outfits (he asks for that) and play the part as well. And I feel like it doesnt matter. Nothing I do works. =/

My temps took a dive and my O test was almost as dark as the control line this morning, so I'm guessing I'll probably O today and there won't be any sperm there waiting for it. Last day we had BD successfully was Tuesday. I probably won't catch my egg this month.

I left the house this morning quietly without giving him a kiss goodbye, I just was so upset. So, I wrote him a letter regarding everything, well and e-mail and I don't even know if he will respond. -sigh-

I am having way too many struggles with TTC and I'm only 4 cycles in, maybe I should step back for a while.

nightmare_of_beauty · November 2013

*hugs* I'm sorry things have been so difficult. My only suggestion is trying to talk about it, but you obviously have tried.

nberg89 · November 2013

@nightmare_of_beauty yeah over and over, i've tried talking, text, phone call, and now fighting. i ask whats going on, does he want to stop ttc, is he not ready and that makes him more mad. im lost. men confuse me.

LuckyAngel07 · November 2013

I have a friend who swears by writing letters to her DH. It works for them, in being able to get it all out logically and unemotionally. I hope your letter works to start a good dialogue between you and YH.

I definitely would have been upset had my H been doing stuff like that during ST also. I mean, there's a certain amount of room for playfulness in it, but...burping? yawning? Not so cool.

I hope he realizes he was insensitive. It sounds like you are trying to do as he's asked regarding initiating ST and making it appealing for him with the lingerie or outfits. He needs to step up and be there for you. Otherwise, I'm not sure he's as ready to really try for this as you are, and taking a step back might be in both of your best interests.

ETA: My DH wouldn't want to know about my temps or CM (I have never once even mentioned CM to him or anyone else IRL) or get an announcement when AF arrives. He knows when things are going on because he sees the OPKs or my menstrual cup discards in the trash. He definitely prefers I just initiate having ST more and not talk about it in context of babies; babies =/= sexy, so it works much better to just have fun!

ILoveRedVino · November 2013

Honestly, I find it really weird when women share temps, CM changes, etc with their husbands. I'm Team H when it comes to just telling him when it's time to do it.

That being said, if he isn't ready, he isn't ready. If he knows it is O time and doesn't want to do it, that's a pretty clear sign that it isn't a priority to him like it is you. I would get on the same page before proceeding.

nberg89 · November 2013

ILoveRedVino said:

Honestly, I find it really weird when women share temps, CM changes, etc with their husbands. I'm Team H when it comes to just telling him when it's time to do it. That being said, if he isn't ready, he isn't ready. If he knows it is O time and doesn't want to do it, that's a pretty clear sign that it isn't a priority to him like it is you. I would get on the same page before proceeding.

I thought we were. He was so excited two days ago about a baby, was snuggly but when it comes time to BD it's like I lose him. I'm just so lost. I asked him if he wanted to discontinue ttc for a while and he got upset with me. I just wish he would tell me what is going on in his head. But mean aren't as emotional as women. =/

nberg89 · November 2013

@madeline10L yeah i totally understand that...but like the day of ovulation? what horrible timing. =[

nberg89 · November 2013

@madeline10L yeah i totally understand that...but like the day of ovulation? what horrible timing. =[

ljraff29 · November 2013

Sorry about your H troubles. TTC is stressful. Writing him a letter was a good idea. It'll give him time to let it sink in.

I do agree with the other ladies on keeping the gory details to a minimum. Just let him know when is good for ST and leave it at that.

Good luck! I'm sure things will get better.

brij2006 · November 2013

Definitely talk to your H about how much details he wants to know. Mine only wanted to know after I O'd or if I had yet, and when we did our round of Clomid he told me to just initiate it. So maybe your H doesn't want to know as much about it.

Also have a discussion on how serious he is about TTC. We started NNT in January, but then in February he told me he wasn't sure if he was ready for it and we started preventing again. Then when I was diagnosed with PCOS, we went back to TTC because we knew our chances were slim with my long cycles. It's okay for him to go back and say he isn't fully ready. Let him get there on his own terms.

PandPMeant2B · November 2013

PP's offered some great advice. I have nothing to add, but I'm sorry you're going through this. I hope you and H get on the same page soon! ((hugs))

Sewilson33 · November 2013

I'm so sorry you are having problems with DH right now. I know how hard it can be to get your DH to open up (as you know from my post yesterday). Sometimes you need to step back and let them bring it up to you. I do think you did the right thing by writing him a letter because you needed to let your feelings out. I really hope he responds to you.
Writing letters to DH is sometimes easier for us as well.
My suggestion is to maybe not talk to him about temps and positive OPK's. Maybe try leaving him out of that area and just initiating ST without mentioning what's going on in your body. I know my DH used to not give a damn and he still really doesn't. He just wants to know that I O'd and that's it.

LittleLady77 · November 2013

My hubby reacted this way in the beginning. I took it really personally for a while and it was upsetting. Later it came out that he felt there way just so much pressure on him that he couldn't enjoy himself or even feel right about any of it. What helped in my situation was dumping the charting and OPKs and just having a lot of sex... It made the process way more enjoyable for both of us.

islandmonkey8 · November 2013

I'm going to ditto everyone else.

My DH is more interested then most when it comes to TTC, but he is the exception when it comes to that. Even still, I never say "we have to have sex TODAY" or anything like that. I just sex him up and it works easier. I think it sets the mood better to almost ignore the real reason you're DTD.

I hope the letter helps and you both end up on the same page.

nfp147 · November 2013

TTC becomes very unsexy after a while. Other ladies are correct; keep the details to yourself, unless he asks.

You may also want to have a serious discussion with him about where he is. If he's being like this now, I'd hate to think about how he'd be if you ever had trouble TTC. That's when you really need each other.

nberg89 · November 2013

Thank you ladies! I'll just tell him when it's O week and leave it that so he is at least aware of that much. I havent been sharing much anyway but I will really limit it now.
He replied to me via text. It was sweet and loving.

nberg89 · November 2013

---ignore not working

cloudymeatballs · November 2013

Nothing to really add. So sorry you're going thru this. Letters good! I will do this when I cant seem to make him understand what I am feeling. They don't always understand. The letter will give him time to let it sink in and what he can and should say to you.

Best wishes with things and try not to stress about it too much. I know it may be difficult but just have fun with it. xoxo

mrsvedo · November 2013

I don't have anything to add that the others haven't already said. I'm sorry about the fight but glad he responded well to the letter! I also agree that sending it was good. When one method of communication breaks down it doesn't invalidate the message and I'm glad you found another way to get through to him.

Xan921 · November 2013

Letters can be very beneficial. I'm glad that he responded well to it. His weird behavior may just be the way that he is dealing with nervousness about TTC.

nberg89 · November 2013

HERE WE GO lol He was really kind and sweet about it. I appreciate it and I told him it meant a lot to get such a good reply. I was worried it was going to be like snarky or just "sorry." which sometimes a simple sorry doesn't help.

nightmare_of_beauty · November 2013

I'm glad he realized how he acted and apologized. I suggest sitting down and talking about all of it and for lack of better words, lay down some ground rules. He doesn't need to know your temp and other things. Have him make it clear what he wants and what you want and I'm sure all will be fine.

cloudymeatballs · November 2013

That's great. Just try to keep each other on the same page. Both of you are going thru things and I'm sure both have worries. Try to stay positive about it all and things will work out.

Great response from him btw. good man

brij2006 · November 2013

Happy to see he apologized and feels bad for his actions.

I would tell him the way to make it up to you is with BD because you're ovulating. *I'll go back into my snarky corner now.*

mrsvedo · November 2013

Aww, that response is really sweet. Definitely use this opportunity to set more concrete expectations for both of you.

mrsvedo · November 2013

Aww, that response is really sweet. Definitely use this opportunity to set more concrete expectations for both of you.

PandPMeant2B · November 2013

Very sweet response. Totally agree that this is a great opportunity to set some ground rules and expectations so you can stay on the same page and communicate if you feel like you're not.

Sewilson33 · November 2013

That was a really sweet response!!

sgautschi · November 2013

That was a really sweet response! Now go get him girl and good luck this month!

nberg89 · November 2013

@nightmare_of_beauty he brought me lunch at work and we talked a little he told me he wanted to know like the Sunday before I'm in my fertile week, and also wanted to know whenever I was concerned about anything but other than that he just wants to feel as normal about it as possible. And I said okay and asked if I had talked too much this month and he said I hadnt he had no excuse for last night but he was sorry.

nightmare_of_beauty · November 2013

@nberg89 Sounds like you guys reach a good agreement, I'm glad and wish you guys the best of luck!

I wrote my DH a letter....DH REPLIED...photo in comments

Re: I wrote my DH a letter....DH REPLIED...photo in comments

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