House guests after birth?

Uptowngirl2009 · December 2013

I know we have a long time to discuss this and decide what we want but we already had an argument about it tonight. For those that have already given birth, did you allow house guests overnight after you came home from the hospital (like your mother or ILs)? Why or why not?

I really would like to have my mother there with me the first few days home. She's a nurse and I feel like I could learn a lot from her. However, DH thinks that his parents should be able to stay after baby is home because "they live farther away and won't get to see baby as much" as my parents. Thinking about having MIL there is already giving me anxiety because she is very overbearing and I just feel like it would add more stress than help anything. The only common ground would be to allow no house guests at all in the days immediately following baby's arrival home. My mom could still come up during the days to help out possibly.

What would you do? What did you do if you were in this situation? What do you plan to do about it if you have yet to give birth?

Uptowngirl2009 · December 2013

I am thinking mainly about needing some help with BFing because I am hoping to BF.

vitan · December 2013

My advice is to have people who will HELP you. I mean cook, clean, watch after baby so you can rest, shower, eat, etc. This is not the time to be a host. My mother was with me since I came home because I knew she would actually help me. All the other guests were allowed to visit after 2 weeks because at that time I felt like I could converse and visit rather than just try to survive being home with a new baby.

DH wanted his mom to stay with us as well but I put my foot down and he respected my wishes. This time she is staying with us but I told him she's to take care of him and if she over steps her boundaries, time for her to go home.

DangerMuffin23 · December 2013

My rule (already discussed with DH and non-negotiable) is this: no one stays at the house. No one. Not for the first month, no house guests. I'm adamant. This includes my folks too, so it's nothing personal. If someone wants to come see the baby, they can of course come with notice. If out of town guests want to get a hotel room and see us during the day that's fine too. But I'm not hostessing a house full of guests. That's our time to bond with baby, get a routine down etc. I watched my stepsister go through having her in-laws stay with her before and after baby's birth and it scared me shitless. But obviously, it's a personal decision.

DangerMuffin23 · December 2013

Ugh, this is obviously a soap box moment. Honestly unless they're coming to help, what is the point of out of towners coming to visit when the child is a newborn anyways? Wait a few weeks because honestly all the do is sleep in the beginning. Hopefully that is the end of my rant, but no guarantees, lol. Edited for spelling

Amberley18 · December 2013

My mom came and stayed with the dog while we were in the hospital. She stayed for a couple of weeks afterward. In the first two weeks of S's life we had my parents, brother/wife, H's parents, and my BFF in town. It was a whirlwind and I wouldn't recommend it.

With

sgautschi · December 2013

I think you'll find that a lot of parenting will come naturally. I EBF and the lactation consultant at the hospital really helped me and I felt confident when I went home.

I personally didn't want any visitors the first few days at home so that DH and I could bond with her before he went back to work. I had my mom come down the first day DH went back to work because I was afraid I would have a hard time, but I could've done it on my own.

I think you should plan on no visitors at the moment, and revisit the topic closer to go time.

sozay23 · December 2013

agreed to consider who will help but that might also surprise you. My FIL was there for five nights (including our hospital stay) and was AMAZING. We came home to a spotless house and didn't lift a finger for housework or food for the next three days. It was totally unexpected and a life saver. The man hates cats yet scooped the box every day without ever being asked. My mom was there after that for a bit and while helpful drove me a bit batty because she wanted to take care of the baby instead of me. That's not what I needed at the time.

Total opposite of what I would have guessed so you never know.

alexisanna44 · December 2013

My dad came and stayed for a month with the understanding that we could kick him out early. He was a big help with food and just taking Lucy off my hands so I could nap or whatever. This time around we're planning in doing the same thing.

Ayres12 · December 2013

I'm planning on my mother staying with us for a few days when baby comes. Honestly I don't really want her to because she might be overbearing, and tends to think she knows everything. But at the same time she would be a good help and probably will teach me some things.

Venti29 · December 2013

Here is what I learned.

I was so concerned with 'us getting into our routine', well guess what... There isn't a routine that soon. It's survival. This was what worked best for us: on about day four or five. (Had to stay in the hospital 4 days with 37 week twins) so two days after coming home you realize you're a zombie. You need sleep. The best person was my mom. She cleaned & cooked while I was awake. When I finally gave in (DH as well) to sleeping, she would bring me a hungry baby to nurse, finish one up feed the other and let me go back to sleep. It was amazing.
You need someone there who will really HELP you, your house, your pets, your laundry... Etc. Yes, visit your sweet new baby, but really help you.

If your case was my case, I would have both sets to visit. Some of my best memories of the twins arrival was dinner with everyone over, getting up to visit a bit, eat and then back to bed.
Zero expectations from you. If you don't think they'll be supportive of that, well I wouldn't have them there.

I loved being surrounded my everyone. At about week two or three I was ready for everyone to get out so we could really settle into our daily 'routine'.

bobcee · December 2013

We had a rule of no overnight guests for the first two weeks with both the kids. We wanted to bond and figure things out for ourselves without people saying we were doing something wrong or giving their two cents.

Plus if people are there I always feel like I need to play hostess even if they're supposedly there to help, so it would've added more stress.

And the times I would've wanted the kids taken off my hands are the times they were fussy and wanting to nurse, etc...which no one can really do much about. It's great in theory, but when they were finally quiet and wanting to just cuddle, I wanted to cuddle with them and not give them up.

I am happy with our decision, but others love having the help so it really depends on you, your personality, and the guests.

wiggyslilsis · December 2013

Most people visited us at the hospital but welived with my parents when I had her and until she was a year old. Having my mom there helped a lot. She was able to step backand let me figure things out but was there when I needed her.

We had a couple visitors but they would onlyvisit for a couple hours at most.

BBefore we moved in with my parents we had planned on my mom staying with us for as long as we wanted/needed.

Uptowngirl2009 · December 2013

Thanks for the input. I know it's a lot to think about and discuss. I guess we need to figure out what our expectations would be if someone did stay (like that they would help cook and clean) and make that clear to both sets of parents. I don't think DH realizes how exhausted we will be. Plus he just thinks we can figure everything out on our own but if I'm exhausted I could see myself getting really frustrated without anyone there to help.

There are so many sides to it too. I can see MIL trying to hold the baby constantly when she is there and that is time that DH and I should have to bond with baby ourselves. I can see this is one of many discussions/arguments we have to have before baby comes.

botanicalbliss · December 2013

Originally, we planned to not have either of our moms stay the night. However, about 5 minutes after I got home from the hospital, I panicked and called my mom to come stay the night with us. It was nice to have her there, even though we didn't really need her, and we probably could have gotten along w/o her. I had a difficult recovery, so she came and stayed a few nights here and there just to help out. I was glad she was able to stay.

Whippet8 · December 2013

No house guests. No what in hell. Stay somewhere else.

LittleLady77 · December 2013

We will not be having any guests for 1 week. I want time to bond and struggle through it with just our new little family. After that people can stay but only if they are their to help. We will also be hiring a cook and house cleaner for at least the first 2 months.

AshleyMatt1215 · December 2013

No one is staying overnight for the first few weeks, they'd be sleeping in our living room and I'm just not comfortable with having people here and having to feel like I have to keep them entertained. Both my mom and MIL can be really overbearing and I just don't want to deal with it. We won't have help the majority of the time anyways, because our families live at least an hour away. To be honest, I don't want anyone staying overnight at any point. It just seems more stressful.

I'd rather people stop by for an hour or 2 during the day so I can get a nap in... but they have to give us notice before stopping by.

lb1117 · December 2013

We are still on the fence. I am thinking about having my ILs come stay when I go to the hospital. We do have a guest room and my MIL/FIL are great at cooking and cleaning. They'd do laundry if I asked and take amazing care of our dog. I am thinking it'd be nice to have them there while I am in the hospital and maybe the first night or two.

As much anxiety as it causes me, they really are great at helping and would be great at taking care of Maestro.

ETA: My parents live 2 minutes away. They would not need to come stay the night for any reason. My ILs on the other hand, are 4 hours away.

tdmd09 · December 2013

My parents (dad and step mom) flew out from CA about 3 days after we got home. They didn't stay overnight (we had no room and my step mom would not have slept well which would make her cranky). They had a nice visit, but they didn't really help with anything. They didn't cook or clean and they made me feel awkward about BFing/pumping (we were having issues and I decided to EP and my step mom who has no children was guilt tripping me about it). For my dad's sake I'm glad he got to meet Liam when he was so new, but I wish we had waited to have visitors longer. It was stressful and not helpful.

greenbeanqueen · December 2013

Because we dont have a guest room, and live in a 1BR apt, we are having NO overnight guests, which I am perfectly happy with. My mom is coming down just before my due date because she is a nurse and DH and I agreed for her to be in the delivery room. We are calling ILs once Caroline is born so they can come, but everyone is staying elsewhere. They all live 6hr away, so they have to stay overnight to visit much. I dont really want either mom staying up under me a lot, but I didn't want MIL in delivery room, (DH agreed because she is a spaz) but I want my mom there. That being said the delivery room and your home after the birth are very different, and I feel like if you are going to allow your mom to come help, you need to allow his mom also. His mom is just as much a grandmother to the child and it's his baby too. I think it's unfair to say "Well my mom can come stay overnight and help us but yours cant" He may want his mom's help as much as you want your mom's help. Out of fairness, I feel like it's both or neither unless you have VERY good reasons not to invite one or the other. Do they have to be there at the same time? No, but remember your DH loves his mom as much as you love yours even if she aggravates you at times. (Trust me I'm preaching to myself too) Personally for us it is NO guests.

saisongbird · December 2013

My mom and ILs both live within 5 minutes of our house. Mom works. She plans on coming over daily for an hour or so, so that I can nap, shower, whatever I need to do for ME. My ILs are retired. I don't know what their plans are, but I will say that we hosted for Thanksgiving and when I crapped out during cleanup, MIL took over and was incredible. I can see her being a combo of both - wanting to hold the baby, but if I need her to do something (including running errands for me) I know she will do that too.

Uptowngirl2009 · December 2013

Well, I told him tonight that I don't think we should have anyone stay overnight in our house with us. My mom lives close enough that she could come over during the day to help. If his mom wants to stay, she can stay with a relative that lives even closer than my mom does and then she can come over during the day as well. Of course this will probably change 20 times between now and the birth.

DH thinks we shouldn't need any help and that between the two of us we have to learn to take care of the baby and take care of all the other household responsibilities ourselves. I don't think he realizes how exhausting the first few days and weeks will be with a newborn.

TudorRose11 · December 2013

Uptowngirl2009 said:

DH thinks we shouldn't need any help and that between the two of us we have to learn to take care of the baby and take care of all the other household responsibilities ourselves. I don't think he realizes how exhausting the first few days and weeks will be with a newborn.

Your last sentence is the most important thing here, IMO. Like Venti said, the first few days is survival. It's sweet that everyone says they want that time to bond but it just isn't that romantic (wasn't for us anyway). You can't control how your labor will go and how long you will be in the hospital or how you will feel.

What if your water breaks and your house is a wreck? That would have stressed me out to come home to with no help. It does depend on your living situation (guest room is nice) and how helpful your house guest would be.

My IL's were here the first week and I couldn't have imagined it any other way. I checked in to the hospital at 8pm on Saturday and got home Wednesday at 10:30am. I'd had two hours of sleep between those days combined. Literally. When we got home, my MIL took LO and let me sleep periodically until they left Fri. She cooked, cleaned and helped me tremendously. She forced me to rest.

If your guests will be like that - please take advantage of the help. I promise you will still bond with your baby. If your guests won't help - absolutely say no.

saralynn7 · December 2013

I've heard several ladies mention that the first few days are survival......I'm gonna go ahead and say the first two- three months were survival over here.

botanicalbliss · December 2013

TudorRose11 said:

DH thinks we shouldn't need any help and that between the two of us we have to learn to take care of the baby and take care of all the other household responsibilities ourselves. I don't think he realizes how exhausting the first few days and weeks will be with a newborn.
Your last sentence is the most important thing here, IMO. Like Venti said, the first few days is survival. It's sweet that everyone says they want that time to bond but it just isn't that romantic (wasn't for us anyway). You can't control how your labor will go and how long you will be in the hospital or how you will feel. What if your water breaks and your house is a wreck? That would have stressed me out to come home to with no help. It does depend on your living situation (guest room is nice) and how helpful your house guest would be. My IL's were here the first week and I couldn't have imagined it any other way. I checked in to the hospital at 8pm on Saturday and got home Wednesday at 10:30am. I'd had two hours of sleep between those days combined. Literally. When we got home, my MIL took LO and let me sleep periodically until they left Fri. She cooked, cleaned and helped me tremendously. She forced me to rest. If your guests will be like that - please take advantage of the help. I promise you will still bond with your baby. If your guests won't help - absolutely say no.

Yes to all of this! I don't remember much from the first few days home. I was pretty out of it and useless, and it was comforting to have my mom around. If I had to entertain out of towners, hell no, but someone like a mom or sister or someone who is close to you and can help out, sure. You may want to wait and see how you feel and make the call after giving birth, like PP said.

botanicalbliss · December 2013

saralynn7 said:

I've heard several ladies mention that the first few days are survival......I'm gonna go ahead and say the first two- three months were survival over here.

Some days it's still all about survival...

saralynn7 · December 2013

botanicalbliss said:

saralynn7 said:

I've heard several ladies mention that the first few days are survival......I'm gonna go ahead and say the first two- three months were survival over here.

Some days it's still all about survival...

At least it starts to feel more like days rather than large chunks of time

KatieKim0815 · December 2013

I would have both sets visit but in a hotel. LOL. Day guests were great but overnight ones were not allowed for us. I just found that it was best to be a family of 3 or 4 right away but I definitely was grateful for the help during the day as I was prone to baby blues. That's just me.

amccul20 · December 2013

my mom already told me she was staying with me after the birth. I thanked her for the generous offer but let her know that I didn't want anyone sleeping at our house after the baby is born. I told her she could stay with my sister or my IL's but that I was sure I was going to need some alone time with my husband and the baby.

She didn't like it, but I don't really care. I feel like its so important to set these ground rules as soon as issues/questions arise.

cloudymeatballs · December 2013

Well, my sister just had a baby, and was in the same exact situation. She thought she didn't want anyone over the first week or so, but my Mom ended up staying with her for like 2 nights. She comes by, helps out, does laundry, cleans up and helps with the baby. My Mom is a pro, she's had plenty of kids and tons of grandkids already. It is what feels right with you my dear. Most women prefer their own mothers there with them because you can tell your Mom whatever you want and don't need to make her feel comfortable. Lol, so if you are tired, just tell Mom youre going to bed. She had her inlaws over, she to is waay over bearing. Her H ended up having to tell her to back off a bit. They live out of town.

You are going to be exhausted and this is new to you. Honestly don't worry about hurting anyones feelings and do what feels right for you and your H. My sister didn't think she would be as tired as she is and was so thankful for having my Momma there to help. Good luck with everything!!! xoox

House guests after birth?

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