Crazy In-laws

Painting1234 · December 2013

My husband and I come from to completely different family types. We have been married four years but are only 23 and 25. We got married very young -). We are away for school in our last year of college. We live 2,000 miles away from both sides of our family. I would like some honest thoughts on what is okay to happen when in-laws come to visit. Understand, we are full-time college students. I work-full time and go to school full-time. My husband works part-time and goes to school 18 credit hours a semester. Plus, we have a social life and activities that we are involved with at our university. We value health and wellness so all our meals are cooked from whole foods and we do no processed foods. Ever. This means that we have to actually use our stove to cook in between work, classes, internships ect.

Enter my family. We are the traditional all American family that is highly driven to excel. My family approaches life from a logical and planned perspective. They never come to visit and expect to stay at our house more then one night. If they are coming to visit they get a hotel and pay to take us out to eat. We are never expected to plan or entertain at our home. My grandparents are the same way.. they never want to be 'burden' on us emotionally during their visit. If I offer, they will come over but it is only if I offer. If they do come for dinner, they help cook and clean up the meal. They also only stay for a few hours and during which time they clean my house and offer to do any house projects that are neglected . When they come to visit it is planned into their vacation. They never come to visit just to sit at our house for a week.. they come with plans to entertain themselves and we are always welcome to join. They understand that at this point we can't drop everything for them.

My husband's family is extremely easy going and relaxed. The believe any type of planning is control. My mother-in-law and father-in-law underwent an divorce due to my mother-in-laws affair with an older man. (He has adult children that are older then her) The family is dysfunctional on many levels. My father-in-law and mother-in-law remain close, can we say awkward? My mother-in-law can pressure my father-in-law into anything and is in complete control of every member of the family BUT my husband and I. She is extremely manipulative and told her younger children that 'it was God's Will she have an affair'.
The affair and divorce was very recent (last three years) and we have a strained relationship with his mother. When his family comes to visit they expect to come stay at our home. This is a complete shock to my system. They are coming to our area, not to see us, but to have a vacation. We happen to live in a vacation zone and my mother-in-law is always trying to stay with us for free. I shut down emotionally. My mother-in-law is a pill to deal with and she brings her two teenage sons (plus friends) and young daughter as well. We have a two bedroom duplex that isn't made to house a family for a week. I always say no and tell her to find a hotel for a night by our place. This always brings a fight that is extremely stressful for my husband to deal with. My husband's brothers have come to stay with us for a week that turned into a month one time. They grew up extremely wealthy and spoiled. They don't clean up after themselves and have no concept of what working takes. Granted they are teenagers! however, they don't understand that after a long day of work and school all we want to do is fall into bed. After three years, I have finally gotten my mother-in-law to understand that she must ask before she comes down and she must give notice of her plans. She use to give us a week or two notice and expect to stay with us.

My problem: My husband and I are going on an overseas trip over spring break to Asia. It will be 30 hours flying time there and back. We will be VERY TRIED from the trip. We spent a month in Israel this summer and were both so Jet lagged when we got back we were out for a week. I go back to work the next day we are back and return to classes. I have very hard course load this spring and have to take an extra class. My in-laws know all of this by the way. My mother-in-law wants to have my two teenage sons stay at our place five days after we get back into the country. She and her daughter will go stay at another family members home an hour and half away. My in-laws are saying that the boys will be 'no trouble' and that it is just a place to sleep.. they will drive their own car down.. they will go buy food and cook for themselves. They are completely assuming that this is 100 percent okay, knowing that we are just getting in the country and all that we have going on. Given my background, my family will not even stay with me, it is baffling to my mind. I don't even feel they should be asking to stay with us. If I want you to stay with me, I will offer to have you come visit. If I don't ask you to come visit, I don't want you to come stay at my home. Period.

My husband says this is the way his family (grandparents in all) work. They all have an open door with each other. You can come and stay anytime you please.. not matter the situation.What does your family do?

Painting1234 · December 2013

Also, may I add.. that his family comes down with no plans for the vacation. They 'wake up' and see where the day takes them. This is fine if you are in your own hotel room. However, you can't expect me to bend my whole day around your whims of desire. If you want me to join, I need notice to clear my day. They often attempt to come to my house for dinner at 8:30pm on a school night.

Leftie22 · December 2013

It seems like there are a couple of things going on here. One issue is just different concepts of family and travel. But some of it sounds like just plain rudeness. It's tricky when you start comparing families. Everyone does things differently, and if you start thinking of how your family approaches things as "right" and your inlaws as "wrong", you run the risk of being judgmental and possibly offending people. For example, lots of families use their vacations to visit and stay with family members who live somewhere else. So that probably seems normal to them. In many cases, everyone involved likes having things that way, so it's not a problem. That doesn't mean that you have to go along with it if it doesn't work for you, but you also shouldn't take it too far and imply that this makes them crazy. Just talk to your DH about what your boundaries are, while still respecting that he was raised differently. On the other hand, some of what they are expecting IS rude, like having their sons stay with you just as somewhere to crash, especially considering all your other obligations. So I'd put my foot down on that one. I guess what I'm saying is to just be respectful of the differences in how your family and DH's family do things. You have every right to decide for yourselves what you're both comfortable with and what your boundaries are. Just try not to get trapped in the mindset that your inlaws are crazy or wrong for having different ideas. And I say this as someone who was raised very differently from how my DH was raised. Communication and respecting differences are really important.

Tofumonkey · December 2013

I think you need to take a step back and relax. You sound very uptight (5 days to recover from an overseas flight? Really?) and it is very "your house your rules" - I cannot help but point out that this is also your husband's home and your reaction to his family is making him feel very stressed.

I would never say no to my husband's family coming to stay, and we also live in a vacation zone (London) - we have people come to stay with us all the time and make it a point to never say no to family (not that everyone should do this, it is a value of ours and it sounds like it is a value of your husband's that you are overriding here) We're pretty happy with a full house and have even had family staying on an air mattress on the floor we were so packed during the Olympics.

The fact that your family comes to see you and spends their time paying for your meals, entertaining YOU, cleaning your house, leaving you alone and doing your house projects for you is great (um....?) but you need to understand that just because his family is different this does not make them wrong and you right.

You really need to learn to compromise - this will help you in all areas of your life, not just this. Think about your husband's needs and how he wants to handle this - find a middle ground.

Think about it from your inlaws' point of view - their family stays with family, shows up unannounced and "my home is your home". They may have always been this way and to them this is how family treats each other. They want to go visit their son and suddenly they are not welcome to stay with him at his house, nobody is. You need to give them a huge amount of advanced notice and even though you are going down to see your son you need to budget and plan your time so as not to inconvenience him - don't expect to see much of him or eat any meals together. And if you go over to their house (if you're lucky enough for an invite) you'd best bring a hammer and paint.

Who do you think they will be blaming this sudden "coldness" on?

BulgariHeart · December 2013

I think the problem lies in the fact that this is your H's family and unless he gets on the same page with you, he won't address the issue, as he sees no issue here at all. The general rule of thumb when it comes to ILs is to follow your spouse's lead. I suggest you sit down with him and express your frustration with the fact that your home is being treated as a hotel (and yada yada) and that, while you're open to compromise, you'd like to establish a few rules. I agree that you shouldn't compare for the sake of comparing. Just figure out a set of rules that work for you and you lifestyles and that everyone needs to abide by. My H and I went through something similar with my MIL, who is the worst house guest you could possibly imagine, and as a result she cannot stay with us when she visits. Period. The point is though, that my H was in fact the one to address the issue with his mom, I simply agreed with him. I for one have total respect for the way other families function so, by the same token, being that H and I form our own family, we see to it that others respect our ways. Nothing wrong with that. What works in other families might not work in ours and what is acceptable in other people's homes might not be in our home. Vacation zone or not (we also live in one BTW), I honestly cannot fathom doing whatever in someone's home only because I'm related. I must say though, the fact that you let you relatives cook, clean and do house projects for you after you've INVITED them is pretty appalling behavior. You should stop that.

EastCoastBride · December 2013

Yeah, there is a LOT of middle ground here. A LOT. Stop comparing the families, especially because I do side-eye YOUR family too. They are SOOOOO desperate to not be a burden, at all, that you can't even cook them a meal? And they do your house projects for you? That's extreme too.

And yeah- you sound uptight too. I've NEVER heard of people needing an entire week to get over jet lag. Oy.

This is your DHs family. Talk to your DH and figure out what the two of you are comfortable with. His family does take advantage - so deal w/ someo f those details. His brothers stay? PUT them to work. Don't expect them to offer- they won't. So TELL Them what they need to do.

They stay and don't have plans? O.k - fine. YOU and DH can still go out and do what you want to do. You dont' have to sit around waiting on them.

There is middle ground. But I also think that you need to realize that what your family does isn't normal either.

R.Wilsonny · December 2013

^^ I agree, BUT regarding jetlag in fairness, some people take longer to get over that - it really depends on the time zone difference and length of travel. I say this because going to/from EU, I suffer from jetlag, and depending on how long I was gone for, it takes a few days to adjust. When I first moved back to US from Spain, it took me like 2 weeks to readjust. Like passing out cold by 8, and waking up at 4am and being wide awake everyday for 2 weeks. My H & I went to Armenia for 10 days in September, and the time difference was a bit longer than say, NY to Spain, and it took me about 4-5 days to adjust back to normal when we got back. I have a friend who spent 2 weeks in Australia and she was complaining about jetlag for almost 2 weeks after she came back. Everyone handles jetlag differently, so I wouldn't pass judgement on someone for that.

I also think after traveling a long distance, the last thing I would want is to have family come stay with me a week later - especially if they are the type of people who expect to be entertained while they are visiting and are generally a pain in the ass. Any other time, fine - but after a long trip, can you guys honestly say you would want to be hosting visitors?

I do agree that OP does need to lighten up a bit and not compare her family vs his though. But, I also think that there needs to be boundaries because it seems to me like her H's family takes advantage when they come and also overstay their welcome like it is expected, and are rude about it on top of it, so that's not very fair either. In this case, both she and her H need to come to some agreement when it comes to visitors and if it is too much, then they should just tell those visitors that no, it's not a good time for them to come and stay.

R.Wilsonny · December 2013

and ps - I don't really think these people fall into the 'crazy in-laws' category. Rude and imposing, maybe, but crazy, not so much.

Sillygirl45 · December 2013

PP's have very good advice.

First of all, you don't tell the IL's anything. You and H come to an agreement and he tells them what is ok and what isn't. He also needs to be direct. There is a time limit. Brothers don't stay for a month. H needed to call mom and tell her it was time for them to go home. He needed to be the one to tell them to pick up after themselves or he needs to clean it up.

Let's be honest here. You don't like your IL's. You think you and your family are better than them..."I have an all American family...His is dysfunctional on many levels." Your post is full of judgmental little tidbits about them. Accept how you feel and lighten up a little. Really, who are you to judge them? What do you care that his mother had an affair and still rules the roost? Really none of your business and has nothing to do with them visiting you.

The way your family caters to you while you're supposed to be hosting them is odd and obviously has caused you to think everyone should cater to you. That's not the case. H's family should feel welcomed in his home. They shouldn't have to beg to stay there.

You can have all the excuses in the world, jet lag, your diet (no idea what that had to do with anything), teenagers acting like teenagers, inconvenience, etc... What it comes down to is you don't want to be put out out by them. Accept how you feel and what this is really about. It's ok not to be a doormat, but it sounds like you'd be happy if they never visited again.

Whatever you and your H agree to, tell yourself you're going to have a nice time and do it. You're telling yourself you're going to shut down because MIL is there. No reason to act like that. You're the one making it miserable for you.

EastCoastBride · December 2013

R.Wilsonny said:

^^ I agree, BUT regarding jetlag in fairness, some people take longer to get over that - it really depends on the time zone difference and length of travel. I say this because going to/from EU, I suffer from jetlag, and depending on how long I was gone for, it takes a few days to adjust. When I first moved back to US from Spain, it took me like 2 weeks to readjust. Like passing out cold by 8, and waking up at 4am and being wide awake everyday for 2 weeks. My H & I went to Armenia for 10 days in September, and the time difference was a bit longer than say, NY to Spain, and it took me about 4-5 days to adjust back to normal when we got back. I have a friend who spent 2 weeks in Australia and she was complaining about jetlag for almost 2 weeks after she came back. Everyone handles jetlag differently, so I wouldn't pass judgement on someone for that.

I also think after traveling a long distance, the last thing I would want is to have family come stay with me a week later - especially if they are the type of people who expect to be entertained while they are visiting and are generally a pain in the ass. Any other time, fine - but after a long trip, can you guys honestly say you would want to be hosting visitors?

I do agree that OP does need to lighten up a bit and not compare her family vs his though. But, I also think that there needs to be boundaries because it seems to me like her H's family takes advantage when they come and also overstay their welcome like it is expected, and are rude about it on top of it, so that's not very fair either. In this case, both she and her H need to come to some agreement when it comes to visitors and if it is too much, then they should just tell those visitors that no, it's not a good time for them to come and stay.

Fair enough on the jetlag. And don't get me wrong- I wouldn't want to host family right after a big trip too. It's just all her excuses piling up... it starts to get a little eye-rolley. His family is WRONG!!!! Mine is RIGHT!!!

There DO have to be boundaries - and her DH needs to help her. His brothers come? Fine, but HE has to help make them help - i.e. cleaning up after themselves, at a minimum. Whoever is there and want to do nothing all day? HEr DH needs to support HER in that "Hey- we have plans. See you later." instead of sitting around.

His family is used to staying with family - that I can respect. And I think this is what she has to start working on. But the rudeness/ laziness? Her DH needs to start working on that aspect of it.

ebcrist · December 2013

I agree about the need for middle ground here. My family and my in-laws family are pretty different as well. When I graduated from college, I had five people from my family and two surprise visitors from my DH's family come to visit. Our apartment is less than five hundred square feet, which meant that for three days 80% percent of our guests were on couch cushions on the floor---there is literally not even room for an air mattress. And they knew this was the case before they came. It was an exhausting weekend.....and I loved every second of the memory making even though I was panicking about hostessing properly.

Your family sounds almost way too obliging (which is great! I just wouldn't expect it as normal for everyone), while his sounds way too demanding. There is a proper middle ground where you sacrifice as the hostess, and they sacrifice as the guests. If there is an issue where they are being too demanding, I would talk to your DH about guidelines and boundaries that you want to set with family----and DON'T base this entirely on what is normal for just your family. Boundaries are absolutely good for your sanity, but you need to be willing to compromise as well! Family exists to complicate our lives, but life is better with them.

R.Wilsonny · December 2013

EastCoastBride said:

Fair enough on the jetlag. And don't get me wrong- I wouldn't want to host family right after a big trip too. It's just all her excuses piling up... it starts to get a little eye-rolley. His family is WRONG!!!! Mine is RIGHT!!!

There DO have to be boundaries - and her DH needs to help her. His brothers come? Fine, but HE has to help make them help - i.e. cleaning up after themselves, at a minimum. Whoever is there and want to do nothing all day? HEr DH needs to support HER in that "Hey- we have plans. See you later." instead of sitting around.
His family is used to staying with family - that I can respect. And I think this is what she has to start working on. But the rudeness/ laziness? Her DH needs to start working on that aspect of it.

Of course, and this is where I agree with you. I´m pretty sure most of us here have some complaints - whether big or small - about our spouses family. That's just a given - different families, different lifestyles, etc. But it all comes down to picking and choosing battles. If you are constantly complaining/making excuses, or whatever, when the REALLY BIG stuff comes up, your spouse is just not going to take you seriously because why should they when you constantly have a problem with everything their family does.

EastCoastBride · December 2013

R.Wilsonny said:

If you are constantly complaining/making excuses, or whatever, when the REALLY BIG stuff comes up, your spouse is just not going to take you seriously because why should they when you constantly have a problem with everything their family does.

YUP! I had this own experience myself a few years back. DH is mostly on the same page with me when it comes to his parents, but I took the complaining too far once and he was basically like "why does it matter? My parents can't do anything right".

That was a HUGE wake-up call for me. I kind of relate it to the Little Boy who Cried Wolf. You moan and bitch over the little crap w/ your ILs, when something truly worthy of being upset happens - your SO won't care.

arhayden1 · December 2013

You know the more I think about your post the more I see that you are just coming off as a "I'm to good for you judgemental woman." I also happen to take alot of offense to you calling his family crazy because they like to stay with family when the visit, granted I do see that his family may take slight advantage but that is where boundries come in. I would never ask my family to stay in a hotel if I had room. I think you are being selfish and whiney. When you married your husband you took on his family too and if they aren't truely being crazy let them spend time with their son and if you don't like it go spend time with your friends

R.Wilsonny · December 2013

^ excuse me, you are forgetting the vow 'forsaking all others', so no, when you marry someone, you are not 'marrying their family too'. Doesn't mean you completely write them off, but let's not get things confused here. If it is not convenient for family to stay in their house, or if the family is notorious for imposing and being ridiculous, then OP has every right to say that it might not be a good idea for them to stay. Just as her H has every right to say that she needs to be open to compromise.

BulgariHeart · December 2013

R.Wilsonny said:

^ excuse me, you are forgetting the vow 'forsaking all others', so no, when you marry someone, you are not 'marrying their family too'. Doesn't mean you completely write them off, but let's not get things confused here. If it is not convenient for family to stay in their house, or if the family is notorious for imposing and being ridiculous, then OP has every right to say that it might not be a good idea for them to stay. Just as her H has every right to say that she needs to be open to compromise.

Totally agree. No way marrying someone means to marry their parents and relatives. It means to form a brand new unit FFS.

Tofumonkey · December 2013

I agree that in a sense when you marry someone you take on their family too - especially in the context of this post because I think that if you were to reverse the roles here it would come across as nearly abusive - OP is kind of separating him from his family.

If a man was doing this (if her family wants to come they have to stay in a hotel, they have to work around MY schedule, they have to buy me meals, everything her family does is wrong, they have to work on my house and they can only come when I am well rested and feel like having her family come to visit) it would be raising red flags for abuse - separating that person from their family and support network, controlling when they can see them, for how long and where - right?

I could be way out in left field but hey - this to me is sounding pretty overboard.

I stand by jetlag being a ridiculous excuse (which further leads me to state what I did above) and say that even though jetlag sucks you sometimes have to just get over it. You've not even experienced jet lag with kids yet - this is just jet lag with two young, healthy adults having just traveled back from a holiday (not a funeral or intensive business trip). We travel to visit family for 1-2 week stints internationally and let me tell you, when we get back to Canada there is no "I need to lay around and not do anything for a week because of jet lag". It's more "I hope you guys like brownies and Kraft Dinner because I'll be up at 4am making everyone lunch."

OP is piling on the reasons that his family visiting doesn't work for HER. Her food preferences. Her jet lag. Her schedule. What about him?

In this sense you marry someone and you also marry into their family - you become family, and you need to accept that your husband's family matters to him, and should also matter to you.

I formed a new nuclear unit, yes, but not to the complete exclusion of our extended families.

cloudymeatballs · December 2013

Okay, yours and his families have different ways of things. Of course, all families are different. They may seem rude to you, but this is also the norm for him. I understand here you getting a little upset and not agreeing with the way they do things. But, I don't see the problem. So when your family comes, they help around the house, where his does not. My Mom is the same way, but I think it is because it is MY MOM. She will come over and help out too yet his mother wont. Perhaps His doesn't want to overstep boundaries, and your family feels more comfortable. If his family wants to stay over and he is fine with it you figure out a way to deal. You two learn what works for BOTH of you, not just you, not just him but Both, as a unit. You need to stop getting so over worked about his family and do remember that this is where he came from and you did marry into it. Doesn't mean you need to be fine with everything they do, just be able to listen and remember that it is his family and you ever making these sorts of problems such a problem he may start looking at YOU in a different way. It may not be good, but you and him have a sit down and decide together. Not ME ME ME, I want this, I want that. But what works for both. Like maybe they come, they stay, but he talks with his family before about what is and isn't okay. I would never tell my family they need to get a hotel if we have room for them to stay. You are being a little selfish here and need to work on this with your H.

cloudymeatballs · December 2013

Okay, yours and his families have different ways of things. Of course, all families are different. They may seem rude to you, but this is also the norm for him. I understand here you getting a little upset and not agreeing with the way they do things. But, I don't see the problem. So when your family comes, they help around the house, where his does not. My Mom is the same way, but I think it is because it is MY MOM. She will come over and help out too yet his mother wont. Perhaps His doesn't want to overstep boundaries, and your family feels more comfortable. If his family wants to stay over and he is fine with it you figure out a way to deal. You two learn what works for BOTH of you, not just you, not just him but Both, as a unit. You need to stop getting so over worked about his family and do remember that this is where he came from and you did marry into it. Doesn't mean you need to be fine with everything they do, just be able to listen and remember that it is his family and you ever making these sorts of problems such a problem he may start looking at YOU in a different way. It may not be good, but you and him have a sit down and decide together. Not ME ME ME, I want this, I want that. But what works for both. Like maybe they come, they stay, but he talks with his family before about what is and isn't okay. I would never tell my family they need to get a hotel if we have room for them to stay. You are being a little selfish here and need to work on this with your H.

R.Wilsonny · December 2013

Sorry, but I have to disagree again. You don't 'figure a way to deal' when your spouse's family decides they want to stay in your place for extended periods of time or inconvenient times when they've done so in the past. You have a discussion with your spouse first before making this kind of decision on whether or not family can stay - and come up with a compromise that will satisfy both parties. Otherwise, you wind up resenting your spouse, which is bad for your marriage.

Yes, maybe OP is a bit over the top in her attitude towards her H's family and other various complaints (so for that, I do agree with everyone here), but it is still something she needs to work out with him - not just shut up and deal. Perhaps the compromise could be something along the lines of 'hey, your family can't stay with us the week after we get back from our trip, but what about 3 weeks from then?'. And then from there, set a limit to how long they can stay - not let them stay for months at a time because they're just taking the piss at that point.

Tofumonkey · December 2013

I don't think anyone is expecting her to shut up and deal - just compromise. R.Wilsonny has a great example of a good compromise in this situation.

R.Wilsonny · December 2013

Tofumonkey said:
I don't think anyone is expecting her to shut up and deal - just compromise. R.Wilsonny has a great example of a good compromise in this situation.

Cloudymeatballs said that OP should basically 'deal'....so yea.....I don't think that is a good solution....only leads to resentment...

Painting1234 · December 2013

In some respects, I don't believe I explained the whole situation nor will I do so on the scope of this post. I don't believe she is crazy for this issue rather we (actually I have stayed completely out of this affair issue and kept my mouth SHUT) have an intense family history.

. When we got back from Israel I recovered in a day but that is an 8 hour flight.. This is a 30 hour flight. I don't expect to recover that quickly when I land and have to be back at work in 10 hours. Sorry. The last thing I want to do is be expected to have a clean house and have three meals a day prepared for two teenage boys.

I don't expect my family to come cook and clean. They always just OFFER. My parents WANT to help us when they come. They OFFER, I don't expect that of them... I guess I would think that being a mom.. you would want to help your children rather then hider them. I don't understand how leaving your college children with two teenagers for a week is really kind or loving. I do expect them to ask in advance due to our work and class sch. We can't drop everything at a moment when you just 'drop in'.

Last time we allowed his brothers to stay, they are home schooled, it went from staying for a week to a month. I was forced to run around like a chicken for a month taking care of them. We had a one bedroom TINY apartment. I don't want to open myself up to this EVER again. Period.
My husband doesn't have the time to entertain his brothers and that is the problem. He would spent time with them when he could but it ended up on ME.

The issue is that we can't seem to agree on what boundaries are for families. I wanted to get an outside perspective on what others do.

Painting1234 · December 2013

I am an intense person and my husband is extremely easy going. We are talking about it. I am not demanding anything from him right now. We are just talking. I am frustrated that my-laws believe they can 'dump' (what I feel is dumping) their teenage sons on us. They will have anything planned for them.. they will just allow them to run.. smoke pot.. drink ect. If they don't have any rules at home (since the divorce everything has gone out the window).. it is hard to establish visiting.

Painting1234 · December 2013

Will not sorry! will not have anything planned and my mother-in-law will be an hour and a half away staying with his aunt.

Sillygirl45 · December 2013

Ok, teenagers drinking and smoking pot in your house is a totally different issue. Your H needs to grow a pair and learn when to put his foot down. As I said, he needed to send them home the last time it turned into a month. This part I don't think you're over reacting about.

The two of you need to figure out when his family CAN come, have him tell them, and stick with it.

Painting1234 · December 2013

Thanks for commenting everyone! I can see many people have very strong feelings. This has been an issue for many people it appears. I am happy that many of you have such great relationships with your in-laws and have worked your differences. Thank you for sharing.

Sillygirl45 · December 2013

I don't think anyone thinks their demands are ok. Your original post sounded like you just don't really like them. They come to stay with you and you feel put out. No, I don't think you should have to cater to them, provide all their meals, entertain them, and clean up after them.

If the teenagers can't abide by rules, you have every right to say they do not stay on your home...certainly not alone. They can stay with their mom and aunt if they want to drink and smoke weed.

I really think you need to separate this issue from the rest of what you don't like about them and put your foot down with H. As @EastCoastBride said, maybe you have overstepped a bit with your dislike for them and now he's not listening when it counts.

After reading all this, you have an H problem. The IL's may "know" they are visiting at an inconvenient time for you, but it's up to your H to tell them..."That doesn't work for us, we are very busy with work and school. We'd love it if you could come during spring break this year."

If he's not going to do it, I'd suggest counseling. You both need to compromise. Maybe it would be easier to have a third party help with that.

erollis · December 2013

Having family/friends stay over and hosting them is one thing. Making sure their stay is a good when.

Having them outstay their welcome and being slobs (never picking up after themselves, not tossing away trash, etc.) is not exceptible.

I feel the compromise, or whatever you want to call it, needs to be family can only stay in your home x number of days (no more). They pick up after themselves but don't need to help out with chores/ cooking/ projects. If they offer great. If not it's ok.

All of our friends and family have stayed with us in our small home. Some will offer/ insist on doing chores for us (laundry, cooking, dishes, vacuuming) because they want to. The others will just pick up after themselves (toss out trash and put dishes in the sink) and nothing more. I cook for everyone or we all go out to eat no matter who stays with us.

The thing is everyone stays for the length of time we agreed on. And we do not let anyone stay in our home if we are not up / unwilling/ unable to host them at that time. Letting people stay in our home is a joint decision by H and I.

erollis · December 2013

Also if you are able to afford it at any point offer to put them up for a couple of nights in a hotel. They will not sleep in your home during that visit. Why? Because you invited them to visit you (they do not invite themselves). This keeps the visit with you shorter and hopefully less stressful.

BulgariHeart · December 2013

OK so now that you've given us more details we have established that you have an H problem, that's who you need to direct your attention to. Your MIL is conveniently using you to take a break from parenting because your H ALLOWS her. Little teenage brothers need to stay with their mother at aunt's house, they don't get to play college frat boys at your place. Period. I don't know why your H didn't put them at the door the very second they smoked pot and drank in your home. If your H is okay with you turning into a house maid/substitute mother for the benefit of his parents and brothers than I suggest you address this issue with him ASAP; as this is the sort of dynamic that can drive a dangerous wedge between spouses. Get a third party counselor involved, like a PP suggested, to work this out if you need to.

Crazy In-laws

Re: Crazy In-laws

Choose Another Board

Search Boards