Holidays
jrholbrook
member
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Breaking Family Traditions
in Holidays
My hubby and I have been married for a little over 3 years now, and have been together for 9 years. We don't have children. All of our siblings and parents live within half an hour of us. Our holidays have been hectic for the past several years...spending time with my family, as well as my hubby's mom's side and dad's side. It leaves us feeling more tired than ever. And on top of that, we have never established our OWN traditions...even decorating our house seems stupid, as we're only there to sleep during the holidays.
Christmas has especially been stressful. As a child, my family would "camp out" on the living room floor by the fireplace and the tree on Christmas Eve. Then early Christmas morning, we would wake up and open gifts one by one and spend time together.
I now have 9 nieces/nephews...and this has become their tradition as well. We all show up at my parent's house around 6 or 7 on Christmas Eve. We have dinner and a ping pong tournament. Then we watch a movie, sleep, and wake up and open gifts all together. Since we don't have children, we have simply "gone along" with the tradition. I was a little surprised that my siblings didn't feel the need to do Christmas morning on their own.
Regardless, my husband and I have felt that we want to do our own thing on Christmas morning. We want to sleep at our own house, wake up at our own house, and do what we want to do. I sent out an email to my 4 siblings and parents to let them know that we won't be sleeping over. We tried to be very sensitive. We said we would still do Christmas Eve...even come earlier in the day, and stay pretty late. We were just hoping we could open family gifts on Christmas Eve so we could establish our own traditions. We even asked if anybody has thoughts or suggestions on how we could plan to fit in everybodys' plans.
I wasn't prepared for the backlash. How frustrated they are that I'm ruining the traditions.
My little sister said it would be more understandable for one of my siblings that has children to do this....but why me? Basically suggesting that I have NO reason to establish my own traditions without kids.
She, being the only unmarried one, also asked for me to consider her feelings...being alone with mom and dad on Christmas.
I tried to explain that we would still be having a family Christmas....just not on Christmas morning.
I also tried to explain that everyone could still spend the night if they wanted to. We just wouldn't be joining in for that part.
Now everybody seems to be saying, "Screw it, let's just not do anything." I'm extremely frustrated that it has come to this. I only wanted to keep Christmas morning for us...even if we did an overnight on a DIFFERENT night. I just don't know what to say about it anymore. I feel as if I'm the bad guy here...and nothing will be resolved unless I back down, which I DON'T want to do.
Any suggestions?
Christmas has especially been stressful. As a child, my family would "camp out" on the living room floor by the fireplace and the tree on Christmas Eve. Then early Christmas morning, we would wake up and open gifts one by one and spend time together.
I now have 9 nieces/nephews...and this has become their tradition as well. We all show up at my parent's house around 6 or 7 on Christmas Eve. We have dinner and a ping pong tournament. Then we watch a movie, sleep, and wake up and open gifts all together. Since we don't have children, we have simply "gone along" with the tradition. I was a little surprised that my siblings didn't feel the need to do Christmas morning on their own.
Regardless, my husband and I have felt that we want to do our own thing on Christmas morning. We want to sleep at our own house, wake up at our own house, and do what we want to do. I sent out an email to my 4 siblings and parents to let them know that we won't be sleeping over. We tried to be very sensitive. We said we would still do Christmas Eve...even come earlier in the day, and stay pretty late. We were just hoping we could open family gifts on Christmas Eve so we could establish our own traditions. We even asked if anybody has thoughts or suggestions on how we could plan to fit in everybodys' plans.
I wasn't prepared for the backlash. How frustrated they are that I'm ruining the traditions.
My little sister said it would be more understandable for one of my siblings that has children to do this....but why me? Basically suggesting that I have NO reason to establish my own traditions without kids.
She, being the only unmarried one, also asked for me to consider her feelings...being alone with mom and dad on Christmas.
I tried to explain that we would still be having a family Christmas....just not on Christmas morning.
I also tried to explain that everyone could still spend the night if they wanted to. We just wouldn't be joining in for that part.
Now everybody seems to be saying, "Screw it, let's just not do anything." I'm extremely frustrated that it has come to this. I only wanted to keep Christmas morning for us...even if we did an overnight on a DIFFERENT night. I just don't know what to say about it anymore. I feel as if I'm the bad guy here...and nothing will be resolved unless I back down, which I DON'T want to do.
Any suggestions?
Re: Breaking Family Traditions
My advice is to ignore their childish reactions. Formulate a response, and stick to it. "Husband and I decided to do our own thing on Christmas morning, but we'll still see you on Christmas Eve if you would like." You do not owe them any explanation for your decision. If they want to cancel everything, that's their problem.
Don't let them manipulate/ guilt trip you into changing your plans. Stick to your plan.
They can get over it- or stay mad forever. Their choice.
I agree, stick to your plan. Don't let yourselves get manipulated and feel guilty about trying to establish your own traditions.
We are just approaching our 1-year Anniversary, but this will be our second set of holidays as a married couple, and I'll admit that I'm the one having trouble with the thought of breaking my family's traditions.
We are doing what we did last year: Thanksgiving, we go up to H's parents house for actual Thanksgiving Day (4 hours away from our home, but we drive up there the night before Thanksgiving) and then leave that afternoon to go back home and have Thanksgiving leftovers with my family. I then go on my traditional Black Friday shopping outing with my mom and sister. Then for Christmas, we're going to his parents' the weekend before Christmas. We will be up there for 4 days. Then we'll be with my family for actual Christmas Eve/Christmas.
All of this seems to work right now, but I'm not sure how it will work once we have kids. That is a little bit down the road, so I try not to worry about it...but OVERALL: HOLIDAYS CAN BE EXTREMELY STRESSFUL. :-)
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Remember this is your holiday too. You and your husband are more than pawns through which others get to enjoy themselves during the holidays. You guys are also your own family and can truly do whatever you please. Really you can. You can go on vacation, you can sit at home and eat Chinese and watch Kung Fu movies all day, or you can enjoy a small intimate gathering with just the two of you. You don't need anyone's blessing or permission to do so. Stay at home on Christmas morning. They might get upset but the world won't end. Trust me, they will be ok.
However, on the other hand, I would drop the whole " let's open the family presents on Christmas eve" thing. They don't want to do that ( and I don't blame them, I wouldn't either), so just let that one go. Bring your gifts with you for Christmas dinner and then everyone can open what you brought and you can open your own gifts.
FWIW, I believe that upsetting your family is a part of growing up. My dad wasn't happy when we said we wouldn't be coming down for Christmas morning, but he got over it.
The first year that I moved out and was living with my now DH, my mom called us on Christmas morning (even after i told her we wouldn't be over til late morning) asking if we would come over, insisting i could even come in my pjs. I told her no, we are opening our gifts together and as we discussed we will come over for brunch. She was angry and i had to hang up on her. But by the time i got to her house she was fine.
I agree with disneygeek, this is all just a part of growing up and starting your own family. Everyone will adjust in time.
Dearest Writer,
I have to tell you that it makes perfect sense as to why you dread the holiday festivities! Because that's what you came to become accustomed to since childhood as you said...it was always stressful. Well my advice is that you don't let STRESS become your holiday tradition. I would zap that thought process first and quick! It doesn't have to be that way. Granted, they make movies like National Lampoons Christmas Vacation for a reason...because everyone has some kind of family drama during the holidays but consider trying to turn that into a part of the charm. I know, I know. Sounds crazy. Totally understandable. BUT if you try to look at it from a humorous perspective you might not only surprise yourself by having more fun, but you might make it contagious for others to do the same and follow that lead at least a little bit. Which would be a huge improvement. And if they don't, well that's on them. Your fun doesn't have to be ruined. I too, have been with my husband for nine years, (five of those years married) and let me tell you, it's no easy task at first to organize things during the holidays but it IS worth it. Taking the time to make your own traditions now, will help you to enjoy all the rest in the long run. DH came from a home where Christmas decorating etc. wasn't too celebrated even though they did the basics, they didn't get all excited about it. My mom was a single mom and did the polar opposite. She had us kids get into cookie batter, read the nutcracker, decorate the tree, and even went so far as to hide our presents at the neighbors house until Christmas Eve to keep the santa story going. I had to get DH into the spirit of Christmas through the years and he is so happy about it now. And any time we get frustrated with family stuff, we tune out for a minute and watch National lampoons Christmas vacation to remind ourselves, we're not alone. If we can't slip out to watch it, we share a little line from the movie and have our own little "traditional" humorous Christmas fun even with an inside joke. Just try not to make it so heavy on yourself, expectations aside, decide you are going to have fun together even if the rest of the gang isn't on board. Start small. When we were dating, we started by going out (like my mom did for my siblings and I as kids) and selecting one special nice Christmas ornament to put on our tree to carry on the tradition each year. His family even developed a Christmas game! They call it Naughty Bingo (sort of like that Santa game where you can steal each others gifts but it ends up really funny with all sorts of cheap little finds and everyone gets a laugh) ...sometimes you don't have to look too far to create your own fun. Just work with what you've got, where you are. Much love.
It's completely ok do to your own thing. Hey, you were compromising by saying you would come to dinner. As far as gifts go, are they really important? Explain to your family that you rather spend time with them than do gifts. Isn't that what the season is all about?
We used to go to Hs parents for Christmas Eve and my parents for all of Christmas (I have younger siblings). But Hs parents stopped decorating, my siblings got older, and we needed a change. We are much happier this way. I know my mom still misses seeing us but it is what it is. I do know that with what we already have established will make Christmas easier for us. We do miss seeing our parents but even with invitations extended they don't visit.
In order for my sister's schedule to become the priority when she just got married, I had to make the sacrifice of accepting, and adapting to her needs. I did, because I love her, and I didn't give her a guilt trip about it, but it still did take a few years to really become comfortable with some of the changes.
Similarly, remember the feelings of your family, and the sacrifice that you're asking them to make for you. The sacrifice of changing the schedule, and opening gifts the day before, or the sacrifice of missing your presence during your family's lazy-morning holiday tradition. Because whether or not you intend for them to, your changes affect them. Maybe the thing that is hard for your family to accept about it, is that they don't see the value in being able to sleep at home, instead of with them. Have you explained your reasoning to them?
I don't think you should feel guilty about wanting your own time, and I'm sorry that your family is having difficulty accepting the new changes. Just be patient with them, and listen to them. If you're willing, It might not be a bad idea to meet them half way this year, and "ease" them into it. Maybe spend the night at home, but then go back to your family's house for an hour before heading off to spend time with your husband's family. It's also possible that tempers will cool, and they'll be ready to accept your changes after they have time to process the new information....hopefully!
I know that sometimes it really is important to put your foot down, and stand your ground, but only you can determine for yourself (that is...you and your husband) if it will really be worth it in this situation.
I'm glad that you have family that loves you SO MUCH that they LOVE spending time with you!