Family Matters
Tofumonkey
member
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
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Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Advice on family and facebook?
I'm having a hard time with my mother right now and facebook is making it worse, despite knowing full well that I'm displaying the maturity level of a 12 year old.
Long story short, my mother came to visit just over a month ago and now I think she is no longer talking to me, though it's not the kind of thing you want to straight up ask. I'm okay with that part, if she needs a break from me that's fine - I'll be around when she's ready. I live very far away and only see her once a year or so - I'm not able to fly right now so haven't been home for over two years. Anyway, she came to visit, stayed with us for 4 days and it was fine but on day 3 we were chatting and she was pushing me to tell her who gets my children when (not if) I die. I was trying to avoid it because, well, my mother is very opinionated and I knew it would be a problem. She kept pushing until I told her that the girls would be going to a friend of ours, not her.
That did not go over well at all. She flipped, ripping apart my decision, demanding to know why they wouldn't go to her as she would be the best candidate, obviously and then wanted to know why if not her then why not at the very least one of her siblings. Then started crying, told me I was incredibly hurtful and stormed off - giving me (and my family) the silent treatment until 5pm the next day when we had a tense meal out and then a heart to heart about how all of my opinions are wrong, everyone in the family is better than me in every possible way and how I will never be successful. It was pretty awesome. Then they left.
Here is where FB comes in.
On their trip they went to another place as well after visiting us and her FB page was full of constant updates and pictures about how great it was, best trip ever, love that city (fair enough, I'm really pleased they had such a great time) but not a single thing about us, our kids (their only grandchildren) or anything at all about the trip with us. Even on the good days. (yes, I am being an immature 12 year old). So that stung a bit. But whatever, not a huge deal.
Now she isn't commenting on my statuses (which is kind of a blessing, as most of her comments were always very negative). I de-friended her and my sister a couple of years ago over something that had gotten out of hand and she completely flipped out, how could I be so hurtful to her and my sister, I was a horrible person, blah blah blah. It was pretty epic. So I'm reluctant to do it again as if I do I'm sure it will cement my dis-ownment (sigh). But, I feel like FB is weird in that it's like giving someone a view into my own little world and if they are trying to hurt my by cutting me out should I be giving them that little view? I'm going through chemotherapy right now and am nearly finished my masters as well and it's like everyone comments on that but my mother - who I can't help but feel is not commenting passive aggressively. (or I am again being a 12 year old girl and need a reality check - if so, feel free)
It shows up in my feed when she comments on my sister's statuses and things... how can I hide the both of them so that I just don't have to see it? It's like I get a little cringing sting when either of them come up in my newsfeed knowing that they've cut me out again.
So a few things:
1. How can I hide them, or are there other settings that I should adjust to spare myself the visual?
2. Am I just being ridiculous?
3. I really love her sisters but feel myself pulling away because of the association with that hurt - any advice on this?
4. This sucks.
Long story short, my mother came to visit just over a month ago and now I think she is no longer talking to me, though it's not the kind of thing you want to straight up ask. I'm okay with that part, if she needs a break from me that's fine - I'll be around when she's ready. I live very far away and only see her once a year or so - I'm not able to fly right now so haven't been home for over two years. Anyway, she came to visit, stayed with us for 4 days and it was fine but on day 3 we were chatting and she was pushing me to tell her who gets my children when (not if) I die. I was trying to avoid it because, well, my mother is very opinionated and I knew it would be a problem. She kept pushing until I told her that the girls would be going to a friend of ours, not her.
That did not go over well at all. She flipped, ripping apart my decision, demanding to know why they wouldn't go to her as she would be the best candidate, obviously and then wanted to know why if not her then why not at the very least one of her siblings. Then started crying, told me I was incredibly hurtful and stormed off - giving me (and my family) the silent treatment until 5pm the next day when we had a tense meal out and then a heart to heart about how all of my opinions are wrong, everyone in the family is better than me in every possible way and how I will never be successful. It was pretty awesome. Then they left.
Here is where FB comes in.
On their trip they went to another place as well after visiting us and her FB page was full of constant updates and pictures about how great it was, best trip ever, love that city (fair enough, I'm really pleased they had such a great time) but not a single thing about us, our kids (their only grandchildren) or anything at all about the trip with us. Even on the good days. (yes, I am being an immature 12 year old). So that stung a bit. But whatever, not a huge deal.
Now she isn't commenting on my statuses (which is kind of a blessing, as most of her comments were always very negative). I de-friended her and my sister a couple of years ago over something that had gotten out of hand and she completely flipped out, how could I be so hurtful to her and my sister, I was a horrible person, blah blah blah. It was pretty epic. So I'm reluctant to do it again as if I do I'm sure it will cement my dis-ownment (sigh). But, I feel like FB is weird in that it's like giving someone a view into my own little world and if they are trying to hurt my by cutting me out should I be giving them that little view? I'm going through chemotherapy right now and am nearly finished my masters as well and it's like everyone comments on that but my mother - who I can't help but feel is not commenting passive aggressively. (or I am again being a 12 year old girl and need a reality check - if so, feel free)
It shows up in my feed when she comments on my sister's statuses and things... how can I hide the both of them so that I just don't have to see it? It's like I get a little cringing sting when either of them come up in my newsfeed knowing that they've cut me out again.
So a few things:
1. How can I hide them, or are there other settings that I should adjust to spare myself the visual?
2. Am I just being ridiculous?
3. I really love her sisters but feel myself pulling away because of the association with that hurt - any advice on this?
4. This sucks.
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
Re: Advice on family and facebook?
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
http://notesfortheirtherapist.blogspot.co.uk
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
http://notesfortheirtherapist.blogspot.co.uk
I also agree- part of this is finding acceptance in this is who she is. That doesn't mean you have to "take" her behavior (I'll get to that in a minute) - but it might help YOU to better navigate her if you can find a way to really just accept that this is who she is.
As far as "taking" her behavior - I really almost LOLd at the fact that she keeps telling you how hurtful you are. I feel like the next time she says that, I'd respond with "Ah, yes, of course. Because you're never hurtful..." and just let it sit there.
Have you ever seen a counselor about this? I might suggest that in order to find ways to deal w/ her. Or if not a counselor, just do some of your own searching to find ways to handle her.
And if part of that means just stepping even further back from her, then do it. Or if it means finding ways to bring up HER behavior to her (the whole flipping out over not leavin gyour kids to her? I'd have wanted to say (ironically) "Yes, mom, this, right now- this is exactly the kind of person I want my kids to grow up around....".
It can also mean "walking away". She flips out? Gets mad? Whatever.... you can hang up, you can say "I'm not going to listen to this", you can literally turn your back and walk away. Don't give her an audience. It might take some of the wind out of her sails.
As how to block/ not see- if you hover your mouse over her name, a box will come up. There is a button that probably says "friend". Click on it and you can UNselect "Show in news feed" and yo ucould also "demote" her to acquaintance - I feel like they show up less than my friends.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
As for the tantrum - yeah, the irony was not lost on my husband or I. Yeesh. I am doing much better, previously her not speaking to me or treating me like this would have resulted in me at the bedroom door moments later assuring her that she would of course get the kids and I was so sorry to have upset her, etc. Yeah, I have issues and they are pretty deep rooted. Me even just being cool with her cutting me out is kind of a big step. (I know, I know)
Now that it hurts so much less it may be easier for me to hang up and tell her that I'm not going to listen to this. She really doesn't realize (okay, she probably does) how hurtful she is - everything she says and does is under some heading of her being wonderful.
Gah. I once told her that I sometimes wish we lived at home. Her response was that if I moved home I would be on welfare because I have no skills and the best job I could get would be at a gas station, or Walmart if I'm lucky. Um... thanks mom? (she's just being realistic according to her, and getting me to think of what is best for my family. For what it's worth I'm the breadwinner in my family and actually do very well professionally, but whatever. It's lost on her)
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
http://notesfortheirtherapist.blogspot.co.uk
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
http://notesfortheirtherapist.blogspot.co.uk
Meh...it happens to the best of us, really. There's been a few times I've literally wanted to reach through the computer screen and smack people for some of the stuff they say. My facebook is weird because I use it both for personal and music industry related stuff and I've gotten into some (very) heated arguments with people on there. Then I realize how ridiculous it all is that I'm getting so worked up over something that was said - online - and so, I either delete the offender or just remove them from my newsfeed. It all depends on how I'm feeling that day
And btw - I especially understand how it feels dealing with family on there. My 18 year old cousin unfriended me because he didn't agree with my views on gun control (he thinks the US should be a free for all wild wild west when it comes to guns - I clearly do not agree with this). My mother stalks my fb. For example, I go away on vacation and if I post up a photo, and she will comment 'must be nice'. There's more, but that's her in a nutshell. It's like some passive-aggressive type of bs too. Then there's the other nonsense with my inlaws....I physically blocked my SIL because I was tired of being tagged in photos from her 2 ginourmous weddings more than a year after the fact, her engagement photos, photos that neither me or my H are even in. (she's mega-super AW and it's become very obvious in the last 2 years since she married my H's brother). Oh yea, and my H's cousin unfriended all of us because she doesn't agree with him marrying outside of their culture, even though she did too, making her a big fat hypocrite. So yea, I feel your pain
hahaha
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
http://notesfortheirtherapist.blogspot.co.uk
I know you talk to most of your family on FB, which I get. I found canceling my account altogether was too much, but I did a mini FB account and got rid of a lot of crap. I also started to tailor my FB account to becoming friends with new people in my area. I really don't care about people I haven't seen in 10 or 20 years. So I think you can use FB (even though it is an unwieldy double edged sword) and try to point it in a positive direction.
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Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
http://notesfortheirtherapist.blogspot.co.uk
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
http://notesfortheirtherapist.blogspot.co.uk
Tofumonkey, I know you have been dealing with your mother for a long, long time now. My heart really goes out to you.
However, I do want to give you a kudos or a pat on the back. In a few years here on the Nest, I have seen you become much more brave and for that I commend you. That took a lot of guts to even choose another guardian for your children knowing it would upset your family. You have your priorities right where they should be.
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
http://notesfortheirtherapist.blogspot.co.uk
Your MOTHER asked about WHEN you die while you're currently going through chemotherapy? Uh uh. No way Jose. Unfriend that biacth NOW. Don't look back, don't feel bad. Focus on you, your health, your degree, and your kids. When your mom wants to apologize, decide if you want her in your life. Otherwise, ignore the noise.
I remember you saying something about her giving you a hard time when you were pregnant and I think when you first moved to England. My heart truly goes out to you.
I think you are doing as wonderful job as a mother and I commend you for putting your children's happiness and well being above your mom's.
I am still trying to get to a point mentally/psychologically/emotionally where her emotional guilt can no longer effect/affect (not sure which one, sorry) me. My mother has done so much crap to me that it makes your mother look like a saint.
Anyways, your mother sounds very manipulative. I can understand she was hurt at first when you told her she wouldn't be getting the kids but to carry on the way she did. Yeah....that is just plain immaturity. She is upset because things are not going her way so she is making the situation about her. Making it sound like YOU are the one who wronged HER. It's not right at all...
I am glad you stuck up for yourself. You need to. I would say listen to what other PPs said.
I just wanted to chime in and let you know that you are not the only one out there with a mother like that. Stay strong and I hope things turn out for the better for ya. As for facebook my mother isn't on there neither is my dad. I have suspicions my uncles tell my parents what I am up to and my mother takes it the way she wants to take it. That's on her, not me.
I've come to understand that nothing I ever do will be good enough for her and that's fine - I need to live my life for me, not her.
And yes, my pregnancy with her was pretty amusing, to say the least. She fought to be the family here for the twins' birth, then was on a Thames River Cruise during my planned cesarean, showing up at the hospital 20 minutes before the end of visiting hours and throwing a fit with the nurses. It was pretty awesome. Then guilted me into taking the twins to Harrods for the day to shop, 10 days after my c-section.
Like I said, awesome.
@CL1242009 - thanks. That is exactly what she does. I wronged her. At everything. You are absolutely right, the way she takes things is on her, not me. She had another fit recently where I emailed out something to family about our recent trip to Disneyland and I fat-broke a ride. I thought it was hysterical, my family all thought it was hysterical. She was horrified, my weight isn't funny and I should be humiliated, not laughing about it.
When in reality, it was actually very, very funny. (turns out I didn't actually fat-break it as I am nowhere near that kind of large but I thought I did and made a huge scene. Humiliating and yet oh so funny)
It has been 7 weeks since she has spoken to me and you know what? Feels kind of good. I'm building up a bit of righteous anger too, and really think I've turned a corner here. (well, one can hope)
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
http://notesfortheirtherapist.blogspot.co.uk
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
http://notesfortheirtherapist.blogspot.co.uk
I'm glad that you are staying strong and realize that your decisions regarding your children are in their best interest - and not caving to your mother's antics to appease her.
I second quitting fb if it's causing this much drama....you don't need that stress in your life.
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
http://notesfortheirtherapist.blogspot.co.uk
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
http://notesfortheirtherapist.blogspot.co.uk