Family Matters
Melrdson
member
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MIL wants me to call her Mom
My MIL is a very nice and living woman. She has 2 other daughter in laws and they all call her Mom. She only had boys so to her we all feel like daughters to her. I have been married for 8 mths,and am slowly building a relationship with my in laws. Over the holidays while visiting us for the weekend my MIL pulled me aside and didn't merely ask me to call her Mom, requested it and told me she feels awkward if I call her by her name and gave a huge guilt trip of how it would honor her if I called her Mom, that she understands if she has to earn that relationship but that the day I married her son I became her daughter and that she is my Mom. She also wants me to call his father, Dad.
I have a very close relationship with my mom and not only do I feel it disrespectful to call someone else Mom, I have one Mom..so I'm never going to call my MIL that. Also my father passed when I was 15, her request for me to call my FIL Dad is too close to home.
My husband completely understands and was bothered that his mom would make such a request and told me to call them by their names as I felt comfortable.
The problem is my MIL has made it awkward for to call her anything but Mom becuz she made it clear how much she dislikes hearing me call her by her name. On the one hand I appreciate that she feels so much for me to consider me her daughter so quickly though on the other it feels like she is trying to force a relationship. Yes the other 2 daughter in laws call them mom and dad and did that on their own, but I just can't do it.
I've seen her once since the conversation and felt so awkward, I didn't even call her anything, just avoided having to use a name, lol. I feel like this is precedent setting for our relationship as to how I'm going to respond and if I'm going to give in..my husband offered to talk to her, which is not a bad idea though I'm concerned it could back fire.
Anyone else had this issue?
I have a very close relationship with my mom and not only do I feel it disrespectful to call someone else Mom, I have one Mom..so I'm never going to call my MIL that. Also my father passed when I was 15, her request for me to call my FIL Dad is too close to home.
My husband completely understands and was bothered that his mom would make such a request and told me to call them by their names as I felt comfortable.
The problem is my MIL has made it awkward for to call her anything but Mom becuz she made it clear how much she dislikes hearing me call her by her name. On the one hand I appreciate that she feels so much for me to consider me her daughter so quickly though on the other it feels like she is trying to force a relationship. Yes the other 2 daughter in laws call them mom and dad and did that on their own, but I just can't do it.
I've seen her once since the conversation and felt so awkward, I didn't even call her anything, just avoided having to use a name, lol. I feel like this is precedent setting for our relationship as to how I'm going to respond and if I'm going to give in..my husband offered to talk to her, which is not a bad idea though I'm concerned it could back fire.
Anyone else had this issue?
Re: MIL wants me to call her Mom
BUT that being said, it's fully your choice on whether you want to call someone else "mom" or not and she's in the wrong to try and make you feel guilty about it.
I would leave the "disrespectful" argument out of it, but I think that you (with DH being there) should address this w/ her. Tell her that you appreciate her request, you're glad she feels that close to you, BUT it's just not something you will be able to do - at least not now, perhaps not ever. What you said about your father - that I would absolutely bring up. It's just too close to home/ too painful.
I would also tell her that you want to respect her but you need for her to respect you too. She doesn't like you using her name. Does she have any other suggestions? (Or do you have another ideas?)
And if she gets upset/ pushes the issue, that's where I feel your DH may need to step in. I think she may need to hear it from him too that she can't force this and that he backs YOU up.
The two of you can still have a close relationship. It's kind of up to her to what degree she lets this be "AN ISSUE".
My sister in law flip-flops calling them by their first names and calling them Mumma/Papa(Last Name). My parents are also OK with this.
I would suggest the Mom/Dad (last name) to them.
I called my then MIL "Ma R." She liked it.:)
Who said this?
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
It's definitely weird that she did that. IMO, if you really feel that strongly about it, YOUR DH should be the one to talk to HIS MOM about it. It's his job to run interference with his relatives and stick up for you.
But honestly, who cares? This doesn't in any way diminish your relationship with your mother. If you can't say "Dad" - try "Daddio" or other some such nonsense. Refusing causes unnecessary drama. Over a 3 letter word. My opinion is that this doesn't have to be a big deal.
Or just agree and "forget". Next time she mentions it, smile and nod and say "Oops, sorry, forgot, I'll have to work on that!" and then just keep calling her by her name anyway. "Sorry, just hard to get used to!" is a fine answer. You can probably just agree and get away with almost never saying Mom for the rest of your life. Once you have kids you can call her "Grandma" and the whole thing will be over anyway.
DMoney will be a kickass big sister
It's a big deal to the OP. You don't care? Good - you can call your MIL "mom". But the OP is far from the only person who has an issue w/ this. She shouldn't have to compromise her feelings on this or play a game of "forgetting".
I think her MIL guilting her over this also causes "unnecessary drama".
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Again, absolutely nothing wrong with not feeling comfortable/right calling her mom. It's a personal choice.
Married since 2003
Mom to 2 daughters, ages 6 & 4
It's NOT a big deal to call this woman the name she prefers.
What if her name was Betty but one day she decides everyone call her Candy ? Would you refuse because it's not her "real" name!
I asked my ILs what they would like to be called. I'd have called them anything they liked. Because in the grand scheme of "in law issues" this just isn't one. And their presence in your life together is up to you anyway, and unfortunately temporary. My MIL was a delight. Not like my own Mom but lovely and I miss her . Damn I wish I could have made her happy more. Fil is 85 and a bit of a pill. But he raised a great man and I will do anything for him the time we have with him. That's perspective.
One day you may just look back and see that you were foolish to refuse this very simple, very easy request. Save your confrontation for something that actually IS important. Calling her mom won't hurt you or any of your relationships . But it sounds like it will hurt the feelings of your MIL, who at least seems to be coming from a living place.
Sometime love is doing something you don't wanna do for someone else . Hell, marriage is A LOT of that. Well, if you 're doing it right.
Seriously, build a bridge here and get over it.
DMoney will be a kickass big sister
I certainly don't feel comfortable calling my MIL mom because 1 - she's not my mother and 2 - she's done shit to me in the past that make me feel that she doesn't deserve that title - at least not from me. IDK, would you feel comfortable calling someone 'mom' who disrespected you and then told your H 9 months before your wedding that he should 'delay the wedding' because you wouldn't let her have control then caused all sorts of unecessary drama the day of your wedding for all to see? I don't think so.
Just because someone demands or guilts you into doing something doesn't automatically mean you should do it. It sends the message that they can do this with other things if you allow them. Some people you give an inch and they take a mile....
In this situation the MIL is "nice and loving" and this appears to be a welcoming thing as part of the family. Heck, everyone else calls her mom! It's her identity!
This does not appear sinister or a test of manipulation.
This is making a bigger deal out of an awkward situation than it needs to be. Mom is not a sacred word. It has been requested as a loving acceptance which makes this not a big problem. Scroll around a bit and you can read about truly awful ILs and you can see that this mil, while maybe misguided, is one others would kill for! Make her happy when you can and be a sweet dil. There's a difference between sweet to your mil and being a pushover. Choose sweet.
DMoney will be a kickass big sister
And it is the right thing to do a bit of work to please ils. Accepting some customs and traditions is part of the deal.
Am you would do ANYTHING but call her mom? That's a bit dramatic.
You know why mils and dils don't get along? When both just want their way or nothing . Give a bit. It works.
DMoney will be a kickass big sister
And btw - I do get along with my MIL, despite the initial bullshit with her, which we put behind us, and I am cordial and respectful towards her, but that doesn't mean I will ever call her mom, because again, she is not my mom.
My guess is that being respectful takes effort but you do it for your dh, which is admirable and the right thing to do.
Lucky for the op, her situation with her mil sounds much better, easier, and lacks drama. No need to create any over the mil's moniker. I imagine your efforts might seem almost Herculean compared to this minor task.
The mil here had boys. My guess is that could have something to go with it. A mother yearning for and not having a girl can be so powerful. Calling her Mom is a kindness. Easily given.
Unless this family is at Downton Abbey, and you are together daily, it's an occasional situation at worst anyway.
DMoney will be a kickass big sister
DMoney will be a kickass big sister
The fact is that the terms "Mom" and "Dad" mean different things to different people. Some people are fine using them with their ILs. Some people think they are reserved only for the people who raised you. I will never call my MIL "Mom" because she's not my mom. I have one mother and that's it. She earned her title. I love my MIL. She's a sweet woman. But she's not my mother and she never will be. And my kid uses a different name for each of his 10 grandparents and great grandparents. None overlap. They all earned those titles.
If none of that is a big deal to you, that' s fine. But I don't think having a more serious respect for those terms makes you uptight. I know that if I ever hear my son calling someone else "Mom" I'll be sad.
Perspective on what? "People die so you have to do what they want"??
As others said, people having a different view on this doesn't make anyone uptight. For all the talk of making people happy and respect, it's a two way street.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Perspective on what? "People die so you have to do what they want"??
As others said, people having a different view on this doesn't make anyone uptight. For all the talk of making people happy and respect, it's a two way street.
Seriously, if I did everything my MIL guilted me into doing just because she's 'going to die one day' or she 'might be upset', then I would be upsetting myself by forcing myself to do something I don't want to do. And sorry, but I love myself more than I love her, so she can get over herself.On the surface, my MIL is 'nice', but she is also very manipulative. In the 11 years that I've been with my H, I've learned this about her. So I put on a happy face when I have to, but both she and my H know that if she steps out of line with me, I have no problem putting her in her place. Thankfully it doesn't happen often, but my H backs me up.
And it's true - respect IS a two way street.