MIL wants me to call her Mom

na41313 · January 2014

I don't see anything wrong with not calling her mom. My parents just have my sister and I. My husband doesn't have a relationship with his family so he calls my family mom, dad, etc. My sister's husband, however, has a fine relationship with his parents. He feels its a bit awkward for him because of this so he prefers to use first names. My parents love that my husband feels so comfortable in our family, however they also understand my brother in law's feelings to respect/honor his relationship with his parents. I would call her what you're comfortable with and hope she respects your decision.

tiffanysbride · January 2014

Continue using their first names and have DH mention to her that she is overstepping. He needs to point out that she is being disrespectful of your opinions. I do not call my MIL/FIL by anything other then their first names. I love them as in-laws and extended family but they are not my parents, period. I get along very well with my MIL, we talk twice a week on the phone and I genuinely like her. That said, I am an adult and people don't get to force me to do something I am not okay with.

2012FutureMrsB · January 2014

Melrdson said:

Wow thanks so much for the honest feedback, obviously this is not just a first time issue with MIL's and DIL's, so it's nice to read about past experiences! The truth is it does make it hard whenever your MIL is a very nice and loving person, but I agree with the comments about not losing yourself and giving in to something you're not comfortable with. I can definitely see how it is not a big deal for some people, but to me it is strictly a name reserved for my own mother and father. Especially having already addressed this with my mom, and knowing that she would be hurt if she heard me doing it, adds weight to the issue for me and assures that it would never be done, we are just too close to call another person Mom, especially to call my FIL Dad, that name is sacred and respectful to my deceased father. My MIL likens it to the fact that she is a Mother and per her words when she asked me she said, " I am a mother, I am your mother in-law, so I am your mom.just like you Father in law is a father, I know your Dad passed, and so now Joe is your Dad!"..those words along with the guilt trip made the awkwardness.. I will definitely need my DH to help me break it to her, perhaps a nickname will be suggested to her. Thanks again, it's very interspersing to see that this is not a isolated issue that only I'm dealing with or have dealt with from the MIL

This sort of thing always makes me wonder, especially the way the last part is worded "so now Joe is your dad." It's almost like she's forcing you into an adoption. If she's your "mom" and she's your DH's mom, then that makes you and DH siblings-in-law. . . . . obviously that's not what we call it, but it does make one think.

I'm also in the boat of not calling my MIL "mom." I did call her that once, but that was right after the wedding ceremony. I said it to her in the receiving line as an acknowledgment that I am now officially part of her family too, but I've never called her that again. We're not very close, but we are nice to each other and spend time with the three of us (MIL, DH, and I). She's never said anything, but if she did, I would explain that I don't feel comfortable calling her "mom" because she's not my mom, she's my "mother-in-law," which is not the same thing, in my opinion.

A mom is someone who raises you; a mother-in-law is exactly that, a mother in the eyes of the law (and even though she's a mother by law, she still has no authority over you because you're an adult, just like your mom doesn't have any authority over you).

Ilumine · January 2014

Calling someone who is not parenting you a parental title is pretty much infantizing the daughter-in-law.

I am far from one of those "DILS are always right and MILS are always evil" people. I actually believe that in many cases, the DIL is the one who starts and perpetuates the fighting.

But that is because there is not mutual respect on both sides. Asking someone to do something that infantizes them (if it naturally happens, that is great. Demanding it and then guilting the other person when it doesn't happen is not great) is not starting off with mutual respect.

Tofumonkey · January 2014

Call her Mommy and see how long it takes her to ask you to use her first name again instead.

mjpatzwa · March 2014

I totally understand this. My in laws always sign their emails "Mom Lastname" or "Dad lastname" and it makes me super uncomfortable. My husband calls my parents by their first names, as does every other married couple in our family. I find it extremely rude to expect me to call them Mom and Dad-- especially when they've done nothing to earn it. I would rather call them by their first names. Mr and Mrs. makes it sound like i'm being punished or demoted.

emily1004 · March 2014

Wow! I can't believe how many of you hate your in-laws. No, my MIL, isn't my favorite person in the world, but she hasn't done anything awful to me. She's not trying to take the place of my mother but it makes her happy when I call her "Mom." Geez, whatever happened to respecting your elders?! Especially when they've done nothing wrong other than ask you to call them Mom & Dad.

Ilumine · March 2014

emily1004 said:

Wow! I can't believe how many of you hate your in-laws. No, my MIL, isn't my favorite person in the world, but she hasn't done anything awful to me. She's not trying to take the place of my mother but it makes her happy when I call her "Mom." Geez, whatever happened to respecting your elders?! Especially when they've done nothing wrong other than ask you to call them Mom & Dad.

That goes both ways. Why can't the inlaws respect their sons and daughter in laws as adults and be perfectly ok with being called by their first names...as all of their other acquaintance, co-workers and friends do? Why are their children's spouses expected to have a lesser relationship?

emily1004 · March 2014

Ilumine said:

emily1004 said:

Wow! I can't believe how many of you hate your in-laws. No, my MIL, isn't my favorite person in the world, but she hasn't done anything awful to me. She's not trying to take the place of my mother but it makes her happy when I call her "Mom." Geez, whatever happened to respecting your elders?! Especially when they've done nothing wrong other than ask you to call them Mom & Dad.

That goes both ways. Why can't the inlaws respect their sons and daughter in laws as adults and be perfectly ok with being called by their first names...as all of their other acquaintance, co-workers and friends do? Why are their children's spouses expected to have a lesser relationship?

I totally get what you're saying. Respect is earned. But OP isn't gaining any respect by going against her MIL's wishes. I got the impression that OP's MIL hasn't done anything wrong to deserve to be disrespected. I guess I don't understand where the "uncomfortable feeling" is coming from.

Disneygeek77 · March 2014

Respect does not mean giving in to every wish, whim and demand. In fact, I venture to say you are showing respect by showing someone that you are comfortable enough in your relationship that you can be honest with them. I respect my parents, but I certainly wasn't disrespecting them when I told them my family won't be there for Christmas morning.

And the OP wasn't disrespected at all. She was simply told that the OP wouldn't grant her wish to be call Mom and her FIL, dad. There is no way that is being disrespectful. Doesn't matter if you understand it or not.

emily1004 · March 2014

Disneygeek77 said:

Respect does not mean giving in to every wish, whim and demand. In fact, I venture to say you are showing respect by showing someone that you are comfortable enough in your relationship that you can be honest with them. I respect my parents, but I certainly wasn't disrespecting them when I told them my family won't be there for Christmas morning.

And the OP wasn't disrespected at all. She was simply told that the OP wouldn't grant her wish to be call Mom and her FIL, dad. There is no way that is being disrespectful. Doesn't matter if you understand it or not.

When you go on a public forum asking for advice from strangers then yes it's helpful to know where OP feelings are coming from. It matters what OP's MIL thinks, and if SHE feels disrespected then I'd say OP was being disrespectful. OP needs to get honest with her MIL and tell her why she is uncomfortable. Especially since MIL has done nothing wrong.

Nik842 · March 2014

I'm with OP - I would feel so weird calling my in-laws Mom and Dad... I feel like it's reserved for my Mom and Dad both out of respect for the 37 years they have spent being my parents but also because they are literally my 'mom' and 'dad' according to the actual definition of the words (the people who raised me).

Basically, while I agree that I now have a lifelong relationship with my husband's family I think that just because we're married his mother doesn't actually become my mother... any more than my SIL is my actual sister or his cousin is my cousin.

Not that I ever have to worry about this... my husband's family is Latino and very formal - I'm expected to call them Senor y Senora so even calling them by their first names would be bizarre... if I called MIL 'Mom' I think she would have a heart attack!

BulgariHeart · March 2014

emily1004 said:

Wow! I can't believe how many of you hate your in-laws. No, my MIL, isn't my favorite person in the world, but she hasn't done anything awful to me. She's not trying to take the place of my mother but it makes her happy when I call her "Mom." Geez, whatever happened to respecting your elders?! Especially when they've done nothing wrong other than ask you to call them Mom & Dad.

You're an adult, married woman, your MIL is your peer NOT your elder. If something makes me uncomfortable I will first of all respect MYSELF. Giving into someone else's entitled demands means to be a doormat with zero self respect.

emily1004 · April 2014

BulgariHeart said:

emily1004 said:

Wow! I can't believe how many of you hate your in-laws. No, my MIL, isn't my favorite person in the world, but she hasn't done anything awful to me. She's not trying to take the place of my mother but it makes her happy when I call her "Mom." Geez, whatever happened to respecting your elders?! Especially when they've done nothing wrong other than ask you to call them Mom & Dad.

You're an adult, married woman, your MIL is your peer NOT your elder. If something makes me uncomfortable I will first of all respect MYSELF. Giving into someone else's entitled demands means to be a doormat with zero self respect.

Where did I say bow to every demand? And why should MIL respect you, if you don't respect her?

R.Wilsonny · April 2014

emily1004 said:

BulgariHeart said:

emily1004 said:

Wow! I can't believe how many of you hate your in-laws. No, my MIL, isn't my favorite person in the world, but she hasn't done anything awful to me. She's not trying to take the place of my mother but it makes her happy when I call her "Mom." Geez, whatever happened to respecting your elders?! Especially when they've done nothing wrong other than ask you to call them Mom & Dad.

You're an adult, married woman, your MIL is your peer NOT your elder. If something makes me uncomfortable I will first of all respect MYSELF. Giving into someone else's entitled demands means to be a doormat with zero self respect.

Where did I say bow to every demand? And why should MIL respect you, if you don't respect her?

I think for most people, it's not so much about hating MIL as opposed to designating the title of 'mom' to the woman who gave birth to and raised you - not to mention your own comfort level. Calling your MIL 'mom' is a very personal, private decision - if you want to call your MIL mom, more power to you, but some of us do not feel comfortable doing so for our own MIL's - and for them to essentially demand that you do this when it makes you feel uncomfortable is not only rude, it is disrespectful to your feelings. So in this instance, why should you respect her if she does this? Does not mean we like them any less (okay, maybe for some of us that's not the case). My MIL & I get along, but I will never ever feel comfortable calling her mom. Because she's not my mother. She is my H's mother.

EastCoastBride · April 2014

emily1004 said:

if SHE feels disrespected then I'd say OP was being disrespectful. OP needs to get honest with her MIL and tell her why she is uncomfortable. Especially since MIL has done nothing wrong.

Totally disagree. Just because a person "feels" disrespected doesn't mean they are actually being disrespected! I think it's also disrespectful to try and force someone to do something they aren't comfortable doing.

No, there is nothing wrong w/ MIL ASKING to be called "mom", but there is also nothing wrong w/ OP simply saying "I'm not comfortable doing that".

If she was calling MIL "hey bitch", THAT is disrespectful. But calling her by her first name or last name isn't.

Using the titles of "mom" and "dad" is clearly a very personal thing. Some people are comfortable using it for their ILs, others aren't. NEITHER group is wrong and NEITHER group is being disrespectful.

respect is a 2 way street, and when it comes to a personal issue like this, the person who would have to change how they do things is the person who gets to say whether they want to do it or not.

J1006 · July 2014

If you don't feel comfortable calling them Mom and Dad don't do it. There is NO way I would call my in-laws Mom and Dad. DH called my parents by their first names after we had been dating for a couple of years, so he was comfortable with that. I always felt awkward calling my in-laws by their first names. They never really gave me the permission to call them by their first names anyway. Luckily, BIL and his wife had a baby before DH and I were married, so now we all just call them Grandma and Grandpa. Unfortunately, I had an easy solution.

If she makes a big deal about you not calling her Mom, just explain your reasoning. She may respect your decision.

Ilumine · July 2014

emily1004 said:

Disneygeek77 said:

Respect does not mean giving in to every wish, whim and demand. In fact, I venture to say you are showing respect by showing someone that you are comfortable enough in your relationship that you can be honest with them. I respect my parents, but I certainly wasn't disrespecting them when I told them my family won't be there for Christmas morning.

And the OP wasn't disrespected at all. She was simply told that the OP wouldn't grant her wish to be call Mom and her FIL, dad. There is no way that is being disrespectful. Doesn't matter if you understand it or not.

When you go on a public forum asking for advice from strangers then yes it's helpful to know where OP feelings are coming from. It matters what OP's MIL thinks, and if SHE feels disrespected then I'd say OP was being disrespectful. OP needs to get honest with her MIL and tell her why she is uncomfortable. Especially since MIL has done nothing wrong.

emily1004 said:

Ilumine said:

emily1004 said:

Wow! I can't believe how many of you hate your in-laws. No, my MIL, isn't my favorite person in the world, but she hasn't done anything awful to me. She's not trying to take the place of my mother but it makes her happy when I call her "Mom." Geez, whatever happened to respecting your elders?! Especially when they've done nothing wrong other than ask you to call them Mom & Dad.

That goes both ways. Why can't the inlaws respect their sons and daughter in laws as adults and be perfectly ok with being called by their first names...as all of their other acquaintance, co-workers and friends do? Why are their children's spouses expected to have a lesser relationship?

I totally get what you're saying. Respect is earned. But OP isn't gaining any respect by going against her MIL's wishes. I got the impression that OP's MIL hasn't done anything wrong to deserve to be disrespected. I guess I don't understand where the "uncomfortable feeling" is coming from.

But that's just it. You honestly feel that the MIL's wishes must be followed to somehow gain HER respect.

While I am sure that the OPs MIL did not intend to infantilize this other, EQUAL adult by asking her DIL to call her a name that, traditionally/historically and legally (there are a number of custody orders out there that specifically address anyone other than the bioparent from being called the mother/father name) indicates an subjugative relationship...That her motives were pure.

That does not mean that the OP is being rude or disrespectful by just saying NO. One never has to GIVE IN to gain respect.

Ilumine · July 2014

emily1004 said:

BulgariHeart said:

emily1004 said:

Wow! I can't believe how many of you hate your in-laws. No, my MIL, isn't my favorite person in the world, but she hasn't done anything awful to me. She's not trying to take the place of my mother but it makes her happy when I call her "Mom." Geez, whatever happened to respecting your elders?! Especially when they've done nothing wrong other than ask you to call them Mom & Dad.

You're an adult, married woman, your MIL is your peer NOT your elder. If something makes me uncomfortable I will first of all respect MYSELF. Giving into someone else's entitled demands means to be a doormat with zero self respect.

Where did I say bow to every demand? And why should MIL respect you, if you don't respect her?

Please please please please (because you have yet to explain this) why telling your mother in law that you do not want to call her Mother is being disrespectful.

You seem to think that just because the MIL didnt have any mean intention by asking, that saying NO is being disrespectful. And that is just not true. If it were, then everyone including you would be DISRESPECTFUL on a daily basis.

emily1004 · July 2014

Just because I didn't explain something to YOUR liking, doesn't mean I didn't explain it. I'm not going to change your mind, because you're already set in your ways. I disagree.

Ilumine · July 2014

emily1004 said:

Just because I didn't explain something to YOUR liking, doesn't mean I didn't explain it. I'm not going to change your mind, because you're already set in your ways. I disagree.

There is a difference between disagreeing with someone and insinuating that the other person HATES some thing/one because they do not follow your belief system.

Explaining why you think I am a hateful person because I won't call my MIL "mom" would go a long way in helping your cause. Because right now, you look pretty silly thinking that I hate my MIL for that one thing.

emily1004 · July 2014

I see where you got confused by that statement. First, this isn't about you. The "hate" in-laws statement came from reading other posts and the post of "Who actually likes their In-Laws" It was not a personal attack on you or any one person.

But back to your original question: Once again, just because I didn't explain something to YOUR liking, doesn't mean I didn't explain it. But, I'll try again: If OP's MIL felt disrespected, then OP disrespected her. When did you become the keeper of OP's MIL to determine what she thinks is and what isn't disrespectful? This is where I disagree with you and other PP.

Edited

MIL wants me to call her Mom

Re: MIL wants me to call her Mom

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