Relationships
jacobsgorgeous
member
Dear Community,
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Staying friends with the person you lost your virginity to
OK. First off: this isn't about me, it's about my husband. Secondly: I need both sides to weigh in on this because I know that a lot of you will be on my side, but I want to understand HIS side more. I just don't get it. We've been married over a month and he brought up wanting to reconnect with his ex-gf, Tiffany, because before they were bf/gf they were friends. I said no. And I don't see why I'd ever change my mind.
Fact: He lost his virginity to her.
Fact: They were supposedly engaged before she broke it off.
Fact: While dating they sext-ed each other.
Opinion: She stomped all over his heart repeatedly because she broke it off, dropped off the face of the earth, and only bothered popping back in when a new relationship goes awry like a child with a security blanket.
Fact: She's now married and has a child.
Fact: We're married and planning on having kids.
Question: Why does he want his friendship with her so badly? Why am I not willing to give it to him when I trust him?
Re: Staying friends with the person you lost your virginity to
I agree, I need to know this information before I could give an opinion. But overall, I wouldn't trust anyone who suddenly wants to "reconnect" with an ex if they haven't been in touch this whole time. It just sounds like a recipe for disaster. And if they were sexting while you were together, then he's been a completely untrustworthy dink, and I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him.
It is possible that now that she has a family, she has changed her habits, but I understand your worry. You want may want to discuss with your hubby about how you're worried about her hurting him him, and not so much about his being unfaithful. That might make him a bit more understanding of your position.
You could also meet up with her as a pair of couples, to feel out the situation a bit more.
I fully understand why he wants to friends to be friends with her. I'm not currently friends with the person to whom I lost my virginity, because we found that we couldn't be compatible friends. We tried for a long time, losing touch and reconnecting over years. It's partially nostalgic. It's partially that it's a special emotional bond, especially given the nature of their relationship and the engagement. He may be hopeful that friendship is possible so they can look back on the good times together, without reenacting them.
Again, I advise asking him to think about why he wants to be friends and discuss it.
In that case, I think you're overreacting. I mean, how can you be mad that he lost his virginity to her and that they sexted each other while they were dating?? They were a couple, that's what a lot of couples do. You can't get mad at someone for having been involved with other people before they met you. I didn't meet my DH until I was 31, so we'd both been around the block. I can't imagine him getting mad at me for sexting my previous boyfriends, or for losing my virginity. You say you trust your husband, but you're not acting like it. Unless you have a real reason to believe that something inappropriate is going on, I don't think it's fair to punish your husband for having been with people before you. And it doesn't sound like you have any reason to dislike her, and you're blaming her for things she hasn't done, just because she's married to a military man? Honestly, I think you're just feeling insecure and need to deal with your own self-confidence. If you really trust your DH, you have nothing to worry about. Good luck!
Honestly my instinct here is that you're newly married and he's panicking a little about how permanent that is and he's looking to reconnect with who he was. Not necessarily looking to cheat but looking to be reminded of his former life. I'd want to have a bigger conversation with him about why exactly he wants to contact her now.
Just for the fact she was nasty to him -- and i don't care if this was an immaturity thing --- he needs to not contact her at all whatsoever. What is the point???? No point at all, if you ask me. Let a sleeping dog lie.
I guess I'm still curious as to what his reasoning is for wanting to reconnect with her. What has his explanation been?? Did she perhaps help him through a difficult time in his life? Was she a part of some major event (other than losing his virginity)? You said they were friends before they dated. Were they close friends? Childhood friends? Was there a long history there prior to any sexual relationship?
You asked originally "why does he want his friendship with her so badly?" -- well, only he can answer that. And if you're asking him the "why" then you need to hear him out, even if you disagree with his reasoning. You're "irate" that his desire to reconnect with her hasn't been extinguished simply because you don't want him to... but if it's something he genuinely wants to do, that's not going to magically disappear simply because you disagree with him.
You say you don't trust her. Ok, that's understandable. But do you trust him? Do you trust that IF she were to make any attempt to bring the conversation into the realm of inappropriate that he would squash it immediately? If you do, then not trusting her shouldn't be a factor. If you don't, then the trust issues between you two need to be addressed.
DH and I don't keep in touch with our exes... mostly because there was no friendship there prior to the relationship... and the ones that did have a prior friendship ended so badly that there's no desire to keep in touch. But that is something we both agreed to. We discussed it at length to ensure we were both on the same page or to work it out if we disagreed. I feel like the "agree to disagree" resolution that you two have come to is only going to cause unresolved issues to crop up again down the road...
If she is able to "bulldoze" over him, or "take advantage of him", that's as much his fault as it is hers. No guy is so sweet that someone else is able to have sex with him without his consent or desire. If he did something inappropriate with her, that's his fault for being an untrustworthy and unfaithful partner. The fact that you think someone could convince your husband to cheat shows that you don't trust him. I don't know if he deserves your trust or not, but that's a huge issue that you two need to work out. He may be pretending he doesn't see the problem so he doesn't have to deal with it. Either way, leave the other woman out of it and focus more on your relationship and trust issues with your husband.
Clarify if you will.
He lets people take advantage of him because he hasn't got the guts to say no or because he's got some kind of a self esteem problem. "Sweet"? Nope, that's not it at all.
You can't even blame this on a maturity thing. No matter what their age is there are some guys are oh so very funny about that first little piece that they managed to get; I don't know what it is but they seem to hold that person in high regard forever more.
Be forewarned: it may also be entirely possible he never got over breaking up with her, nor has he gotten over her, period.
He is only 22 and this happened, what, 4 years ago? I am curious: did you know about what kind of past he and this other young woman had -- I mean when you were still dating your now H, what did you know about him and her and the extent of their relationship?
Considering what transpired between them and that what transpired was a fairly recent occurrance, it would have been better if you moved on from him --- who wants to be a rebound girl --- or waited a good long while -- a couple of years minimum --- before you considered marriage to him.
I guess I'm still missing why she would even want to be friends again if he cut off contact because his girlfriend told him to. I had a super close friend in high school who was male. We never did anything. There was nothing even remotely romantic between us. We stayed friends through college and beyond until he dated someone who was uncomfortable with him being friends with a woman. So he cut off contact. If he showed up again now and wanted to be friends, I would assume it was because he was having relationship issues and no longer cared about her opinion. And I'd be annoyed that he felt it was fine to dump me when it suited her and then come back later and try to be friends again.
I realize this situation is a bit different since they have a romantic history but the same principle still applies. Has your H explained WHY all of a sudden this is an issue for him again? I just find the timing really suspect since you just got married.
So, stop trying not to say this, and come right the hell out and say this to him, because the longer this goes on, the harder he's going to have to work to make you feel without a doubt like you're the love of his life. And at some point, it will become impossible.
Ha --- how does her H feel about this??? I'll bet you that nowhere in this scenario does she talk on and on about her H and what a wonderful husband and father he is. She isn't over the moon over her husband. Guaranteed.
Something is rotten here.
You can tell him to cut off contact with her but here is where the crux of it all is: he's too interested in reestablishing contact with her. This isn't a "friendship" at all.
How long are you married? Not long, you said? a MONTH???
Why, as a PP said, is he so intent on recontacting her now, of all times???
I don't want to be the one to jump the gun or hollar divorce but wow, where do YOU stand on all of this? How do you figure into the picture?
What do YOU want to do?
I don't see this contact between him and this young woman heading down a good path.
You are going to have to decide which way to go.
He'll insist from now until next Christmas that this is all innocent fun. I don't think so.
All I can do: Keep a close eye on things. And trust your gut.
I don't want to say Show him the door and get this marriage annulled but it turns out you might have to do that after all.
And above all: do NOT catch pregnant, either accidentally or on purpose. This is no time for a child to come into what's a shaky marriage.
This sounds like great advice, also:
He's making you feel like she was his first choice and you were the backup plan he settled for, and you don't like it one bit. So, stop trying not to say this, and come right the hell out and say this to him, because the longer this goes on, the harder he's going to have to work to make you feel without a doubt like you're the love of his life. And at some point, it will become impossible ^^^^ THIS exactly!!!
Never ever be a rebound girl.
This is going to get even uglier than it is. For your sake, don't stand for this "friendship" he's got with her.