Family Matters
JulienC
member
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Neighbor issue
I have to admit I'm not very thrilled about my neighbor's character and his attitude towards my son. He has a son the same age as mine (9) and they got along until the neighbor called my son fat. When my husband confronted him he said he didn't mean it in that way it's just that he noticed my son had a "large appetite" when eating dinner with their family. I was pretty angry but I let my husband handle it. We let some time pass before he was allowed to go over there again. I know, I shouldn't have but my son really wanted to be friends with the neighbor kid. It wasn't long before my son informed me that the neighbor kid told him that his dad thinks my son is a cry baby because he got punched in the stomach by a 4 year old (that happens to live next door) and cried. Therefore, he doesn't really want my son at his house anymore. I wasn't there but just because the kid was 4 and my son 9 doesn't mean it didn't hurt him. Again, I bit my tongue although I really wanted to go over there and say something but refrained because really it sounds petty after thinking about it. So I let it go. Now I won't allow my son to go there and the neighbor kid stopped coming around months ago. My son pleads with me to go to their house but I don't trust the guy so I have to tell my son no. However, they do play together when my son goes next door to play with the 4 year old (the one who punched my kid). My son and the neighbor kid have been enrolled in the same martial arts class for the last several months. Well, a lot of times the neighbor sends his kid to my house to ask me for a ride when he has to work late. I have given him one each time he's asked. However, I have noticed that when my son asks the neighbor kid to play outside he never wants to play with my son. He prefers playing with the little boy next door which I find odd since he's 5 years younger. Often time, my son is upset because he wasn't invited to play with them and then he mopes around feeling hurt. If he knocks and asks if he can join in a lot of times the lady allows him in but I also try to set boundaries since I don't know if she really wants him there or not. It's kind of hard to say no to a kid so she may feel like she has no choice. I have noticed though that even her kid stopped coming around by us so I don't know if the neighbor mentioned the name calling incident to her and sided with him. A lot of times these kids don't think twice to play with my son until one of them isn't available and they have nobody else to play with but my son. That's when they come around which is once in a blue moon. So, I was thinking why should I give the neighbor kid a ride if he doesn't care to be friends with my son and his Dad dislikes my son? The funny thing is his Dad doesn't know that his son snitched on him about calling my son a crybaby. I also think that if you're going to sign your child up for an after school activity then it's your responsibility to get them there...not anyone else. Most of the time the lady next door drives the neighbors' kids to school in the mornings as well as to the martial arts class but that's her choice. She is also great friends with them so I'm assuming she just does it to do the family a favor. But when she's not home then I do it. Since this guy is really rude to my son and his kid has no interest in ever coming out and playing with him should I feel obligated to drive him anywhere? I know it would sound awful if I were to tell the kid no the next time he asked for a ride but then again their actions are pretty disrespectful towards my son. The kid has an older brother and a mother who can't drive but if it were me and I didn't drive I would walk 15 minutes to get my son to the class instead of having him ask people for a ride. Even if there was a neighbor with a kid in the same class, I'd still walk him. So, what would you do? Say no or give the kid a ride?
Re: Neighbor issue
But - if it really bothers you, then say "no". You definitely don't owe them anything.
I will say, though, I don't see the big deal about a 9 year old playing w/ a 4 year old. We have good friends whose son is 4 years older than DS (so 5 and 9). They play GREAT together. Their son is really sweet w/ DS and they have a nice friendship. I think older kids playing and getting along w/ younger kids is actually a good skill to have.
You don't want your son to lose a friend but you sure don't want the friend's father to treat your son like he's a little nobody.
The neighbor kid with the nasty dad sounds like he sure can use a friend. I'll bet that kid's father is just as nasty to him and his sibling and probably also his wife/the kids' mother. The buck doesn't stop at the neighborhood kids.
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Leftie22: I'm not sure what YOU'RE freaking out about? I asked a question, didn't like someone's response, then you feel the need to tell me to quit freaking out? People come here to ask questions, to vent, as well as to bully others. I have seen enough of the responses on this forum to know that there are those who actually come here to help others out and there's those who come here to jump at anyone just because they can hide behind the computer and make the most rude comments. Why did you take the time to respond to my post if you thought it was too long and complete nonsense? Why waste your energy being negative? If you read the previous comments you would have seen I received enough input by others who gave me sound advise without the need to ridicule me. Why do people get so bent out of shape over a post? Better yet, why do people on here feel the need to tell people what they can or can't say.
Sillygirl45- I don't think you're comprehending my posts any better than I am yours. Please just stop making comments and pretending as if you're not trading insults. Just stop it. I'm done communicating about this subject with you. Everyone else, thank you.
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
http://notesfortheirtherapist.blogspot.co.uk
this is where I am now. Wow.
If the neighbor doesn't want my son at his house because he was a crybaby when kicked by a 4 year old that's fine but he should have told me that to my face. Instead I heard it from his kid when I asked him directly (after he told my son that) if his dad said that and he said yes but he said that he doesn't know why his dad is mean like that. So it's not a secondhand remark, it came straight from his kid. My question to everybody is why would you allow your child to hang around an ADULT MAN who has no respect for a child? That is what this is all about. How can you deem me as the unreasonable parent who is overreacting?? There are plenty of kids who get molested and they don't tell their parents because either they're scared or they don't want to get someone they know in trouble. This guy has given me reason enough not to TRUST him around my son. And what I failed to mention is that I suspect alcohol was involved when he behaves this way because it was obvious to me that his speech was slurred when I picked up my son and his family used to invite us over to drink but we declined. However, they drink all the time. The lady next door comes home drunk all the time after leaving their place. We live in a military community (duplex homes), we can hear everything from our bedroom window, that's how close we all live to each other. She is clearly drunk and very loud. So, I'd rather not have my kid around a man who runs his mouth while drinking. So, can every single person who has defended Sillygirl45 who also happen to have precious babies on their profiles HONESTLY tell me they would be OK with sending their kid to a house where you never know what the ADULT will say? Or when your little girl is all of 8 years old and comes home upset an adult told her she was fat, are you going to tell her it's ok the guy didn't mean it that way so keep on going back to play there. Sillygirl45 you asked me if FAT is the worst thing a neighbor can say to my kid and after thinking about it I do think it's up there. What else can he say that's worst? Should I wait until he tells my son he's stupid or gay or let his son tell my son that? Or should I wait until something worst happens because the neighbor thinks I'm a pushover and he can go ahead and violate my son? Really as a parent it's your job to look for red flags and this guy has certainly raised some for me. My son has friends at school and there are plenty of his classmates who have said pretty mean stuff to him but I don't get into it because I'm not going to defend him for every little thing. He knows he has to handle almost everything on his own. He doesn't come home and cry everyday. He tells me things when he and I casually talk at night. Most of the time they are things that happened a few weeks prior but just remembered to mention it. My response is shrugging my shoulders and telling him kids can be rude but just to make sure he doesn't do the same thing. Like I said I've already told the neighbor I don't want to give his kid rides anymore and I think he knows why. Nothing has changed. Our kids just don't play together as usual and he has no reason to come here. Also, his kid never looked comfortable even asking for a ride because it was his dad forcing him to ask me. He may have taken the ride but clearly he wasn't comfortable so I'm not sure why the dad forced it.
JFC. No one is telling you that you're WRONG nor are they defending the dad.
There are two points people are trying to make:
1- your getting some of this from a KID. Kids lie, kids misspeak. This:
"Instead I heard it from his kid when I asked him directly (after he told my son that) if his dad said that and he said yes but he said that he doesn't know why his dad is mean like that. So it's not a secondhand remark, it came straight from his kid."
That is the DEFINITION of a secondhand remark!!!! Just because it came from his KID is moot. You didn't hear the DAD make that comment, so therefore it's a SECONDhand remark. It came from a second person.
2 - And there are 2 sides to every story. we're only hearing yours, and I think you're only seeing what YOU want to see. You keep coming back w/ more reasons why this guy is a douche.
O.k.- so fine, if he REALLY is that big of an ass, then just draw the line and have nothing to do w/ him or his kid.
But w/ some of what you're telling us- from an OUTSIDERS perspective (which we all assume you want since you came here) is that there might be more to what is going on that what you've heard from the KIDS.
You're so deep in this that you can't see it any other way. And if you want to pitch another fit and tell us how we're all wrong, then have at it. it's your life, your kid, your neighbor. we have absolutely no stake in this at all.
ALL we're trying to do is point out that the situation may not be quite as black and white as you seem to believe it is. This doesn't mean let your kid play w/ his kid or give his kid a ride. It ONLY means that things may not be 100% as YOU think they are.
And again- KIDS really aren't the people to put ALL your belief in. Whether they lie, or mis interpret, or.... whatever - to put all your eggs in the basket of "but that's what his KID said he said!" doesn't paint YOU in a reasonable picture.
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
http://notesfortheirtherapist.blogspot.co.uk
There is no word or phrase anyone could call me or someone I love that would cause me to react the way you have. Bullying to the extreme is a completely different situation than you are in and my advice would be quite different if that were the case.
In your previous response your neighbor has gone from a jerk to an alcoholic and possibly a child molester. Every response has some nonsensical escalation of "what ifs". You have me telling parents of suicide victims it is their own fault. What the fuck?!
I am seriously beginning to think you are at least a little unbalanced.
I will go ahead and bow out if your little thread now before you decide I am the anti Christ, planned 9-11, and likely pinch babies.
Yes, so very much all of this. This is what had me doing a double take as I was reading this thread. First it's "he said __ about my kid", now he's an alcoholic, possible child molester.
Erm.... o.k..
And I didn't get into this before, but I'll say it now - I REALLY hate the "are you a parent?" crap. Parenting isn't rocket science. People who don't have kids might actually still know a thing or two about kids. Yes, there are aspects of parenting that you can't fully understand until you become one, but the general concept of dealing w/ kids, understanding kids, etc, isn't some secret that only parents know.
I have a good friend who is the aunt to 4 nephews. 2 of them in particular, she spends a LOT of time with - like watches them for entire weekends. I absolutely take her opinion into account and I feel she has very good insight into the nature of kids. Especially boys!
I can't ever imagine telling her "you don't understand, you aren't a parent".
VOR, are you buddy buddy with Sillygirl45? Anyone whose posted after her sure is sticking together and making snarky comments by the minute trying to add fuel to the fire. Sure, I do believe there are people out there that are good with kids that aren't parents yet but Sillygirl45 doesn't seem to be one of those. She's been trying to give me her silly opinion and sadly no matter how hard she tries I won't take it. I really like moonprincissd's advise. She's right, he's not my kid nor my responsibility and he's not friends with my son so I shouldn't give the kid a ride. anymore. Period. And I don't know what you are all talking about but the only place I have overreacted is on here. My husband only talked to the neighbor once and all he told him is he can't talk to a little kid like that. But he did that because my son was upset. I've spoken to the guy maybe 3 times and nothing more than a "hi, is my son there." I have never had an argument with any of my son's friends parents. Like I said I keep to myself, he's been picked on before and I stay out of it. I've even told him myself he can't let things get to him and he needs to toughen up. But I don't trust my son being around the neighbor. He's an ass and I simply don't trust him. He has the right to say whatever he wants in his home which is where my son was at the time so it's best he just doesn't go there. He has other friends, so does the neighbor kid and I'm not going to force a friendship.