Staying friends with the person you lost your virginity to

TarponMonoxide · February 2014

And if it was a decade ago, maybe I wouldn't be so on edge about it. But it wasn't. I'm 20 and he's 22. He dated her while he was 18 and she was 17. So it was about 4 years ago and it was because of lingering feelings towards her that it took almost a year for him to realize he cared about me when we first met and started dating.

18 and 17 is a casual high school dating thing --- when you're in high school you're just beginning to test the waters with dating and what you want in a future relationship.

And imo he and you got married way too young. You should have given it a few more years at the very least before you could even think of getting married at all.

Leftie22 · February 2014

I think you're making it confusing, because you say you trust your husband, but you don't trust HER. My response to that is that no woman can make your husband cheat without his consent and participation. So if there's a "snake in your boot", it's your husband, not this other woman. So I would stop blaming her and start looking at whether or not your husband is trustworthy. From what you've described, his behavior sounds more inappropriate than hers.

jacobsgorgeous · February 2014

And it is because I am young that I went to seek advice from supposedly older and more experienced wives. But age is just a number and our maturity level was there and we were ready. The wedding went fabulously and we budgeted under 2000. We still have 2000 in savings and we just finished furnishing our new apartment for under 800 and we love over half of the items we bought. The argument that we're young is really invalid when divorce and stupidity are equally nondiscriminatory. Take any of the characters on HIMYM or Big Bang Theory. Or take my brother that is divorced after a 2-year marriage. The point is that my age wasn't part of this equation, my inexperience was.

ReturnOfKuus · February 2014

I'm in my mid-thirties, if that helps.

GilliC · February 2014

jacobsgorgeous said:

And it is because I am young that I went to seek advice from supposedly older and more experienced wives. But age is just a number and our maturity level was there and we were ready. The wedding went fabulously and we budgeted under 2000. We still have 2000 in savings and we just finished furnishing our new apartment for under 800 and we love over half of the items we bought. The argument that we're young is really invalid when divorce and stupidity are equally nondiscriminatory. Take any of the characters on HIMYM or Big Bang Theory. Or take my brother that is divorced after a 2-year marriage. The point is that my age wasn't part of this equation, my inexperience was.

Please tell me that you didn't just try to defend you maturity by citing fictional television characters as empirical evidence?

Oh, the irony.

TarponMonoxide · February 2014

GilliC said:

jacobsgorgeous said:

And it is because I am young that I went to seek advice from supposedly older and more experienced wives. But age is just a number and our maturity level was there and we were ready. The wedding went fabulously and we budgeted under 2000. We still have 2000 in savings and we just finished furnishing our new apartment for under 800 and we love over half of the items we bought. The argument that we're young is really invalid when divorce and stupidity are equally nondiscriminatory. Take any of the characters on HIMYM or Big Bang Theory. Or take my brother that is divorced after a 2-year marriage. The point is that my age wasn't part of this equation, my inexperience was.

Please tell me that you didn't just try to defend you maturity by citing fictional television characters as empirical evidence?

Oh, the irony.

There are very few people who are ready to marry when they are in their young 20s.

I still say you needed to rethink whether you wanted to keep dating him when you more or less saw that you were dating somebody on the rebound.

Sillygirl45 · February 2014

What?! How I Met Your Mother isn't real?!

Oh FFS...you're not helping your case by showing your "real life experience" is from shitty television.

TarponMonoxide · February 2014

And I thought The Transformers were real.:(

jacobsgorgeous · February 2014

So you're telling me in real life that none of you have every met someone who acts almost exactly like a character from a fictional tv show. If you want real life examples here: my parents, my brother, my sister, his parents, and several other people that still divorced after marrying at a number that society deems appropriate like 25-35. And maybe using a fictional character that everyone has "met" is slightly more relateable than listing personal family experiences that aren't your's to know.

Age really is just number. Your experience is a lot less quantifiable. And on the other hand, I'm one of the few posters on here that hasn't used a whole bunch emoticons and stupid texting abbreviations. I also haven't insulted anyone, nor did we get married in Vegas.

To end this line of question about second guessing, of course I second guessed, and we have extensive communication on most issues. But I prayed about it and spent time with him and let him prove to me that I was his first choice. Yes, bringing up Tiffany again made me insecure, but through talking with him and to answer everyone's "why now?" he thought that since he's shown me and he's committed to me, and we're married that I would feel more secure now than I did when we were dating. I thought the same as a lot of other posters that it was inappropriate, but the other side brought up whether or not I trusted him. And finally my decision was swayed. We're going to go talk to a marriage counselor and if he (the counselor) doesn't see a problem with it, then he (H) has my permission to see if she (Tiffany) even wants to be friends. But it's a one-shot thing. If she doesn't want it, then he's never bringing it up again. If she does want it, then I'm going to get to know her too and make it VERY clear that he's my husband and that she has a kid by her husband.

Sillygirl45 · February 2014

What does getting married in Vegas have to do with anything?

You have to go to a counsellor to decide if your H should reach out to an ex? Huh?

I'd get packing now. This chick already has WAY too much pull over your husband and she's not even in the picture.

I just can't fathom going to counseling over an ex that neither H or I are in touch with...or have any reason to be.

VOR · February 2014

Everyone, and I mean EVERYONE, thinks they are "mature for their age" when they are in their 20s.

And honestly- your DHs need to reach out to this woman, who really WAS a high school girlfriend, kind of shows a certain immaturity here. You don't seem to have gotten an answer from him as to why he wants to do this. This isn't about YOUR security/insecurity with it. why does HE want to reconnect with her? Especially as he is now married and committed to you. why does this girl from his past need to be actively in his life?

jacobsgorgeous · February 2014

We have other reasons for bringing in the marriage counselor, but that's more for education not mediation.

Leftie22 · February 2014

Why would you let a counsellor decide if it's okay for your DH to talk to his ex or not? If your DH respects a counsellor's opinion more than your opinion, you still have a problem. And most good counsellors aren't there to tell you what to do, they help to open a conversation between the two of you about what you want and why. If the ex is enough of a problem in your relationship that you're considering counselling, that should be enough for your DH right there.

ReturnOfKuus · February 2014

It sounds like he did one helluva snow job on you.

Look, you probably WOULD have felt comfortable and secure now that the two of you are married, had he not just started actively making you insecure again by trying to bring his ex back. You don't need to be "right" in order to not be okay with this, and you don't need a licensed professional deciding whether you should have to put up with something you know damn well you aren't okay with.

I am not impressed with your husband taking you sharing your feelings about how his request made you feel insecure by not only not reassuring you one damn bit, but actually trying to manipulate you into letting his ex back in your lives even though he knows you're not okay with it. I am not impressed with him one bit.

TarponMonoxide · February 2014

The bottom line is that he needs to say goodbye to her once and for all.

And if he will not do this? I suggest you rethink him and rethink him, hard.

From the looks of it, she will be in his life forever; do you want a fifth wheel in on your marriage? I don't think you do.

jacobsgorgeous · February 2014

Our counseling appointment was today and it felt good to get a fresh perspective especially one that could help me empathize with how Jacob felt, but even more so think about the process we're using to solve things in our marriage and whether or not that process is working. I like counselors because unlike family, they have no reason to hold back what they think (unless it is unprofessional). At the end of this discourse, it became apparent that compromise and trust needed to be involved in this issue. So Jacob has my utmost trust and respect and I will not limit who he can be friends with, but in order for me to feel more comfortable I'm going to have to make an effort to befriend her as well. All in all, the fighting stopped a while ago in anticipation of this meeting and now that we've reached a pathway we're relieved that the other is still smiling. Thanks for all thanks for the good advice, some of it really made me think harder on my decision.

TarponMonoxide · February 2014

jacobsgorgeous said:

Our counseling appointment was today and it felt good to get a fresh perspective especially one that could help me empathize with how Jacob felt, but even more so think about the process we're using to solve things in our marriage and whether or not that process is working. I like counselors because unlike family, they have no reason to hold back what they think (unless it is unprofessional). At the end of this discourse, it became apparent that compromise and trust needed to be involved in this issue. So Jacob has my utmost trust and respect and I will not limit who he can be friends with, but in order for me to feel more comfortable I'm going to have to make an effort to befriend her as well. All in all, the fighting stopped a while ago in anticipation of this meeting and now that we've reached a pathway we're relieved that the other is still smiling. Thanks for all thanks for the good advice, some of it really made me think harder on my decision.

Boy but are YOU in denial.

He has your utmost trust and respect. it is too bad we cannot say the same for him, when it comes to you.

The timing of this "friendship" is unnerving: why after a month of marriage was he hell bent for leather to become her friend again???

My spidey sense tells me that it may be possible he has been having an affair with her all along. And if not that, he's never gotten over her.

Another reason, like I said, for NOT marrying at your ages. His immaturity is showing and how.

YOu say he will end contact with her. The thing here is this: you do not trust him and you have no assurance this friendship he's got with her will be over and done.

And even if she is gone as a friend of his, you still have her ghost to cope with. He never got over her; like I said, never ever be a rebound girl. SOrry, but that is what you are: a rebound girl.

jacobsgorgeous · February 2014

Well I've seen how off base your spidey sense is. Besides a physical affair between the two of them is impossible since she's on the other side of the country. As for the timing, he'd apparently wanted to hold onto her friendship, but because he knew I was uncomfortable and insecure he cut it off. It's been about 2 years since then and he hoped that I'd be more secure now that we're married. His timing was off, but this is nothing new for me. And I realize now that these boards are a lie, most of the responses are trolling and I should not have put my marriage in the firing zone. I do not think he has had an affair or will have an affair. But thank you for your concern.

ReturnOfKuus · February 2014

Okay, so how is he reciprocating your consideration by making you feel like the one and only love of his life? Because you befriending her seems like it's you who has to do all the work to make these shenanigans okay.

You do know this is fuckery, right?

VOR · February 2014

Most of these boards are trolls, but you're the one who came here and put ths out there? Um, ok. Keep those blinders on. Good luck to you.

Sillygirl45 · February 2014

jacobsgorgeous said:

Well I've seen how off base your spidey sense is. Besides a physical affair between the two of them is impossible since she's on the other side of the country. As for the timing, he'd apparently wanted to hold onto her friendship, but because he knew I was uncomfortable and insecure he cut it off. It's been about 2 years since then and he hoped that I'd be more secure now that we're married. His timing was off, but this is nothing new for me. And I realize now that these boards are a lie, most of the responses are trolling and I should not have put my marriage in the firing zone. I do not think he has had an affair or will have an affair. But thank you for your concern.

Why, why, why does he need her in his life? She lives across the country, he's had no contact with her in years, and she makes you uncomfortable. She likely doesn't give a shit about him, you, or your life. He needs to leave her alone.

We trolls aren't doing a darn thing to your marriage. We can't hurt you or your marriage. The only damage being done is by your husband who has no respect for your feelings and your dip shit counsellor who is saying that's ok and you should trust him and be friends with this chick. Give me a break.

Kimbus22 · February 2014

So anyone who doesn't agree with you is a troll? Okay then.

GilliC · February 2014

jacobsgorgeous said: Well I've seen how off base your spidey sense is. Besides a physical affair between the two of them is impossible since she's on the other side of the country. As for the timing, he'd apparently wanted to hold onto her friendship, but because he knew I was uncomfortable and insecure he cut it off. It's been about 2 years since then and he hoped that I'd be more secure now that we're married. His timing was off, but this is nothing new for me. And I realize now that these boards are a lie, most of the responses are trolling and I should not have put my marriage in the firing zone. I do not think he has had an affair or will have an affair. But thank you for your concern.
@jacobsgorgeous I think you're a bit confused about what trolling on The Nest means. Allow me to give you an example.

Exhibit A: http://forums.thenest.com/discussion/12012570/my-single-friends-are-mad-at-me-i-need-some-advice

jacobsgorgeous · February 2014

It wasn't about agreeing with me. It was about sharing your opinion. And the trolls are the ones that decided to insult my age, my intelligence, and belittle my marriage. He's conceded to several things about this including not discussing the things that would make me uncomfortable and until I feel like I know her more, letting me monitor discussions as much as I need to. And at this point even though he finally was given the green light, he still hasn't taken it.

ReturnOfKuus · February 2014

Hrm. You have to work on not feeling uncomfortable with something that inherently makes you uneasy AND actively try to become friends with a woman you have no real interest in befriending, and all he has to do is to not have inappropriately personal conversations that he shouldn't be having anyway? This does not sound like an equitable arrangement.

Tofumonkey · February 2014

This doesn't even sound like a decent marriage.

VOR · February 2014

jacobsgorgeous said:

He's conceded to several things about this including not discussing the things that would make me uncomfortable and until I feel like I know her more, letting me monitor discussions as much as I need to. And at this point even though he finally was given the green light, he still hasn't taken it.

This girl is taking up a LOT of space in your marriage. And this "friendship", that doesn't even exist yet, is taking a LOT of effort and energy.

You still really think this is going to work out well?

Maybride2 · February 2014

I'm still totally lost as to WHYWHYWHY he HAS to be friends with her. Why? I mean, if she were such a great person they'd still be together, right? And this is all his idea - he wants to pursue a friendship with her, she has given n indication that she even wants to hear from him. You know why you feel uncomfortable with it? Because he's being sleazy and pathetic. Those things should make you feel uncomfortable. But contrary to what whoever counseled you said, you don't deal with sleazy and pathetic behavior by forcing yourself to accept it - you "deal" with it by telling him to knock it the eff off. Have some respect for yourself, FFS.

Maybride2 · February 2014

And seriously - the day that I have to monitor conversations that my husband has with any of his friends is the day that I punch myself in the face for being such a dimwit in a crappy marriage.

luvjme · March 2014

I completely agree with this reply. If they remained friends all this time that would be one thing. But for your husband to want to reach out to her out of nowhere seems odd to me. You should be his best friend, I don't blame you for being upset. I feel this is not a deal breaker but worth a talking to your huz. Why does he want to be in touch with her if she broke his heart, wouldn't he want to move on from that? It seems like he needs to grow up a little and realize he should always respect your wishes. Good luck

Staying friends with the person you lost your virginity to

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